The Divorce Chapter

11. Post-Divorce Depression

• Sarah Elizabeth • Episode 11

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In the latest episode of the "Divorce Chapter Podcast," I dive into a crucial yet often overlooked subject: post-divorce depression. It's been a challenging period for me, and I wanted to share my personal experiences, insights, and strategies for coping with this difficult journey.


The world is undoubtedly going through a lot right now, and adding the weight of a divorce on top of it can make things seem overwhelming. 


During the episode, I share my personal battles, including significant postnatal depression after the birth of my first child and my struggles following the breakdown of my marriage. There were times when I felt like I was barely holding on, and the thought of not being around seemed easier.


Antidepressants became part of my journey, and I discuss the debate around their use post-divorce. Sometimes, when you're at rock bottom, a little bit of help is needed to even start feeling and processing. 


However, the episode isn't just about the struggles. I also share some coping mechanisms and healing strategies. We discuss the significance of talking therapies, mindfulness practices, journaling, exercise, and the impact of alcohol and sleep on post-divorce depression. 

I can't emphasise enough the importance of reaching out to your support network, be it friends, family, or professionals.


I believe it's essential not to suffer alone. The aftermath of a divorce can be incredibly challenging, and when you're at your lowest, reaching out to someone, anyone, is crucial. My DMs are always open, and I'm here if anyone needs a listening ear.


If you're experiencing a tough time post-divorce or know someone who is, I encourage you to listen to the podcast episode. Remember, you're not alone, and reaching out for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.


Stay strong, and remember, seeking help is the first step to healing x


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Hello, and welcome to the divorce chapter podcast. How are you doing? I hope all is okay. I just wanted to head up this episode with a bit of a trigger warning that I'm going to be talking all things depression. And if that is not something you can deal with right now, then I completely understand and hope to see you back next time for the

00:29

next episode.

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There seems to be a lot, a lot going on in the world right now. And when you're in the middle of your own shit, on top of a divorce, it can just feel too much. And so I wanted to talk a bit this week about depression and especially during or after the divorce, and when the inevitable grief of the breakup might turn into full blown depression. I for one, I haven't been feeling great. I've been feeling so exhausted since my move, and I just can't seem to shake it. Because I have Crohn's disease, part of the issue is low vitamin B 12 levels as my fucked up digestive system doesn't absorb it from food. So I have to have injections every 12 weeks at the docs. I mean, after about eight weeks, I noticed that I really noticed the difference when it gets low, like extra exhausted, extra stiff way more than usual. Now I know my age doesn't help these things. And my friends of a similar age tell me that they also walk like an old woman if they get up in the night to do a wee, so I know that doesn't help. But I know once I have the injection, I start to feel at least a little bit brighter, not much,

02:02

but a little bit. So I started to alternate the NHS jabs with paying for one privately and that way. I've got a top up every six to eight weeks. And as the body is supposed to expel what it doesn't need I figured that can work. I mean, apparently in Australia, they get a B12 jab for a hangover. And it did seem to work when I started doing that earlier this year. But since the move fuck me, everything is hard, bloody work. And the b 12 isn't even due for the six week one let alone the fucking 12 And what I've also noticed since I started to unpack and started to settle, I suppose is that I've also been really bloody tearful and emotional too Now again, that might be my age. Although Aside from this, I honestly don't seem to have any other menopausal symptoms. And I do plan to get a menopause expert on the podcast as a guest. But anyway, I digress. It just struck me how bloody low I feel. And I think as a result of exhaustion, and it made me think about how extreme tiredness is a sign of depression, right? But it's often puzzled me as to which comes first. Are we exhausted as a result of depression? Because that's the side effects anyway? Or is it that being exhausted makes us depressed in the bloody first place?

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Forget chicken and the bloody egg.

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Does depression come first or tiredness? It's a question I've wondered about several times over the years as I've suffered depression on several occasions and so I just thought even aside from all that is going on in the world, it might be a good topic to talk about this week. Because I think that depression during or after a breakup or divorce is often a lesser discussed subjects like it's supposed to happen. Now as you know, if you've listened to the podcast from the start, I first suffered significant postnatal depression after the birth of my first son when I was 19 It hit me really fucking hard and it made me feel completely inadequate. And thankfully, social media was not a thing then as I think that would have caused so much comparison itis and I just saw all these other mums looking happy and I just felt utter shit. And at the time, I made it mean that it was because I was young and a teenage mum, so I wasn't good enough and blardy blar. But the reality was, it happens at any age regardless of the situation. But again, that's not widely talked about. And they say that depression is a normal response to a depressing situation but you're supposed to fall in love instantly with your baby and live happily ever after or something. Not that I didn't love my son but it definitely was not all smiles and fairytales. And when I got pregnant with my second son two years later, my, what they called obstetrician was good friends with a psychiatrist who was pioneering a new drug, which, when taken within a few hours of birth, could reduce the risk of postnatal depression. So I saw this psychiatrist, but he said that because I'd been depressed in pregnancy, it would be highly unlikely that I'd also suffer post pregnancy as apparently women tend to suffer one or the other, but not both. Of course, the part that he missed was that whilst Yes, my depression was present during my second pregnancy, it was not pregnancy related, but rather a continuation of the previous postnatal depression. So of course, the full on depression bloody continued. 

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And it was really, really hard with a baby and a toddler with such debilitating depression. But because I was so obsessed about not proving everyone, right, that I couldn't cope as a teenage mum, I somehow soldiered on, i don't know i That's why I took the decision as a result of the postnatal depression to be sterilised that just 23 I couldn't face going through it again. Although that in itself was a battle because of my age, they didn't give a shit about my mental health, quite frankly, they just saw me as too young to make that decision. I went to the GP about every month following on from my six week check Now bearing in mind, I was 21 when I had my youngest you can see how long it took to convince them. But ironically, you know, what did it in the end, but I took my ex husband, who reassured the GP that I was serious. It was crazy. I then I took two appointments with a consultant who asked questions like, what if I divorced and remarried? And it was? The point is, I don't want any more children, because I can't go through this fucking depression again. What if my children died, so I could have another 100 children, I wouldn't replace the ones I've got would they, I'm sure the interrogation is not usually so vigorous. But nonetheless, I passed their tests. And they did it in the end, although they never actually gave me the choice of the method of sterilisation, they gave me what they thought at the time was the easiest to reverse. And I only knew that because someone I knew, who was sterilised around the same time, and who was 15 years, so older than me had a subsequent ectopic pregnancy. And it turns out that she chose what was, at the time considered the most reliable, but later, it was found at the moment, that was the safest. Anyway, I digress again. Sorry I do go off on tangents. So from the point I was sterilised, the depression lifted. And I often thought about whether it was down to stopping the other contraception, like I'd had the pill I'd had the injection, so taking away the hormone side, but whatever the reason, I felt better. 

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And then unfortunately, the Depression hit, again, following the death of my parents, but again, lifted fairly quickly following a bout of antidepressants. And I think that's what they call the situational depression, that depressing situation and all that, but it whatever it was, it didn't last too long. 

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But then the breakdown of my marriage aged 40, and I've talked about it before, but I was an absolute fucking mess. I felt completely done. I was done. Throughout all of my periods of depression, how I was how I presented was a bit changeable. And some days, I actually thought I'd be better off dead. I was never able to actually contemplate suicide, I guess there was still some part of me that had something left a tiny spark or whatever. And in both my personal and professional lives, though, I'd experienced the effects of suicide on families. But being completely honest, I have had periods of thinking that if I died naturally, in some way, it would solve all the problems. And I know that's an absolutely fucking horrendous thing to think when there are people dying every day from the most awful things. But in those depths, I just had those times when I felt I had no strength to carry on, but I guess there must have always still had something tiny within me, as I managed to get through it each time, 

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But after my divorce, it was like the whole spark had gone. I was in such a mess. I've said it before. My youngest son had to literally carry me to the doctor's. He had to talk for me. I was I couldn't even speak. It was utterly horrific. And truly the very lowest point of my life and I just wasn't functioning at any level. Now I was prescribed Prozac now that you know, if you've ever taken antidepressants, they are no magic wand and they do take time to kick in. But once they did, let's just say it helped. It helped me at least. And I stayed on them for about two years, maybe three, and then gradually weaned off of them. I know technically as well, depression is not usually diagnosed, unless you've had periods of experiencing the symptoms for two weeks or something. But you know, for me, at least, I was clearly not in a good way. And so I can say, looking back exactly why the doc gave me the drugs now. I hear a lot of people make judgments about antidepressants, especially after divorce. Like they say, it's a period of massive grief, so of course, you're gonna feel shit, which is true. Back to that situational depression thing. But how do we know when feeling shit turns into something more, or we hear, but you need to process those emotions. And you can't do that if you're drugged up now, I do absofuckinglutely agree that you do need to process emotions, absolutely. However to do so, does mean that at some level, you are doing so because you know, you will come out the other side, you need to be functioning at a level to be able to recognise that. But when you are at such an absolutely low place where there is zero ability to even contemplate a future, then I'm sorry, but I'm all for antidepressants just to enough to take the edge off enough to actually allow you to start feeling and processing. Because if antidepressants can't help you in your darkest of times, what the fuck are they for?

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I've got Crohn's disease too, right? I need medication for that to stabilise my bowel. Before I even start to think about how I could improve my gut health or whether I could change my diet or if there are things that I could do to holistically help me. So why the hell are antidepressants consider differently. I know the pharmaceutical companies profit massively from this. But if they work as an interim measure, just to get you to a place where you can start to find other ways to naturally help yourself, then isn't that worth it? In those times where you do need to consider them. I'm 100% an advocate not forever, just to get to a point to light the spark again. 

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I also do get that sometimes they can be given out way too easily with no follow up whatsoever. Just chuck out a repeat prescription. I think there are massive issues for services for mental health in the UK. Antidepressants should not be just a one stop shop and there should be way more support available and I do think it has got somewhat better since my experiences at least but still the focus does tend to be on medication and nothing else. I often think the NHS is supposed to be the National Health Service and promote health. All they seem to do is firefight illness it's more like the National ill health service. And there does need to be way more alternatives to getting people to take control of their health and find other ways to naturally heal where they can so that we can come off medication where it's possible and where it's been necessary to use it. 

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Now as I said at the start, I have been feeling really low lately and I'm not at that point but I do get days now where I just don't want to get out of bed and just want to hide away from the world despite all the tools I have as a coach to work through shit, all the things I know will naturally help me it does still take a real push inside to got me moving sometimes. And as I started this episode this week has definitely been one of those weeks. But how do we know when a period of feeling a little bit shit which let's face it is pretty damn likely after a breakup. How do we know when it turns into something more something we may just need some extra help with?

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Can we recognise that turning point? So what are the signs of depression?

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As I've already touched upon in the chicken and egg situ, the extreme tiredness is one of the main symptoms now. Other ways you might feel, you might feel down upset, tearful, restless, agitated, irritable. You might feel guilty or down on yourself or empty and numb You might find yourself isolated and unable to relate to other people or find no pleasure in life, or the things that you usually enjoy when everything just feels hopeless. And that might present itself in behaviours like avoiding social events or activities. You might start to self harm, or it might be difficult to think clearly or make decisions and you might have no focus, you might smoke more or use alcohol or other drugs more than usual, definitely have difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much. No appetite and losing weight that divorce diet eh or you might eat more than usual and gain weight, more physical aches and pains and no obvious causes. Now, if you have been feeling any of this, and as I've said, if you need to seek medical support and or medication to get the spark lit and do what you need to do fuck what anyone else thinks or says. 

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And when you are then ready, on to other ways to think about healing depression after divorce. What can help? First off talking therapies now, one of the most commonly used by the NHS, when you do find a decent GP is CBT, which stands for cognitive behavioural therapy. This looks at your current problems and how you think and behave. It kind of recognises the links between thoughts and feelings and actions. And in some ways, it's similar to some coaching techniques used too . 

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For those who aren't sure about the difference between coaching and counselling. I describe this as like being in a car now, with counselling, the car has essentially broken down and you're in the backseat looking out of the rear window to see where you've come from and how you ended up here and how to get moving again. With coaching, the car is functioning, you're in the driving seat and the coach is in the passenger seat just holding the map. But you're the one that's looking at the front windscreen deciding where you want to go up. You're the one telling the coach which map to use, like do you want the scenic route? Do you wanna know where the roadworks are? All of that stuff. And that coach then uses that to help you steer yourself forwards. So I hope that kind of helps. Butoften after divorce, it can be really helpful to have both as they complement each other in many ways. But definitely for depression. talking therapies like counselling or CBT can really help.

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Another way to naturally help depression is using mindfulness. Now, this can be super hard post breakup as you have what feels like a million thoughts a minute. But meditation and mindfulness techniques can really helped to just breathe and slow down the nervous system just enough to reset. A really good free app for this is called Insight Timer. And it has all sorts on there from guided meditations to breathwork. And it sounds a lot but honestly, the impact of divorce on your nervous system is unreal. I genuinely think my divorce led in some way, to me developing the Crohn's. There's something like 80% of women with autoimmune disorders like Crohn's that have experienced trauma, it's a massive thing. And I can focus an episode on the nervous system if you would find that helpful. But in the meantime, please know that mindfulness is seriously good therapeutically. 

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Now, you know I love a bit of journaling. I love a bit of journaling. Although it can feel like a bit hard work when you think your feelings are fucking obvious. It can be so helpful to release this and get some insight into what's really going on behind what you think might be so obvious. And I go in depth on this in the journaling episode, which was I think episode five so do go back and check it out. The brain dump style of journaling particularly helps when you're feeling very low in so much as getting it all out. 

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Next up exercise now fuck me this is always a hard one as we feel so ridiculously exhausted. It seems almost impossible to get out of bed let alone physically move our body and believe me I'm not at any level suggesting you run a fucking marathon but honestly, this is one of the things that helps me on the regular is getting out for a walk in daylight. Again, there's a whole lot more on the seasonal impact on mood of there not being much daylight and all that shit but for the purposes of thinking specifically In divorce related depression, as much as you can do to move really does help. And a gentle walk, if that's all you can manage really will work wonders over the long term, even if all you can manage is just a two minute stretch or shake, which sounds weird, right? But the reasons for this are again linked to the nervous system. If you think about an animal in fight or flight, when the fear is over, when they're free from the danger, they shake it all off don't they, which sounds ridiculous for humans. But if all you can do is physically shake your body, then trust me, it works. 

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Okay, onto alcohol. Now,I'm gonna do a whole episode on this at some point, as I have still somehow, somehow not drunk alcohol at all so far this year, which is a friggin miracle in itself.  before that, and post divorce, jeez, it was my crutch numbing the emotions through alcohol. Now, if that was an Olympic sport, I'd be a gold medalist, believe me. And I'm not gonna go on about it too much today, but alcohol is in itself a depressant. So if you're already feeling lonely, feeling sad. And as much as you think it'll help, it's only going to make it 10 times worse, believe me, and linked to that 

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sleep, alcohol fucks with your sleep. And if you have depression, your sleep is fucked. And after a divorce, sleep is fucked, don't want to keep adding to it with alcohol. And then I know I keep talking about further episodes. But when I asked in our divorce chapter Facebook group which expert they'd like on the podcast, a sleep expert got the most responses so I will try and look into that. But do, keep trying to get the sleep you need. Your body is wanting to shut down in depression so just be kind to yourself. 

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And finally, the thing I'm always banging on about using your support squad, talk to your friends and family as much as you can. Whether that's as well as or instead of professional help your people know you. They understand you and your true friends really do want to be there for you. I know that my friends have been amazing for me in times of depression and more recently too. So please don't isolate yourself. Seek help where you need it. 

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OK so that was a real quick whistle stop on some of the things that you can do to naturally help when you are feeling depressed. And I hope that helps least a bit if you're suffering from post divorce depression it's fucking hard. I know. I know it is so please reach out as much as you need. I'd love to know how you manage your mental health post breakup, what's worked for you in the past but especially after your divorce. Please do let me know all the ways to contact me are in the shownotes as always, thank you so much for listening. And please, please please take care of yourself I know its the hardest, hardest time of all post divorce and when there's just no spark, it can feel just shit. So please make sure you reach out to someone whether that's to me, a friend, your doctor just don't suffer alone. 

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Now this has been a bit of a tough one this week. But I think it's a really important one and I can't say enough to get help if you need it. My DMS are always open too so that's all from me for now. So until next week, I hope you manage to have a good week sending you loads and loads and loads of love from me


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Sarah Elizabeth

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