23. From 'I HATE YOU' to indifference: Letting Go of the Divorce Anger

In this episode of the Divorce Chapter podcast, I am exploring the challenging process of letting go of anger, hurt, and resentment after a divorce. I go deep into the complexity of emotions post-divorce, and the importance of moving past the destructive emotions associated with betrayal and actively choosing a path of healing and growth.

The lasting impact of being lied to, cheated on, and manipulated by someone supposed to love us is fucking HARD, but in the episode we talk about the damage that holding onto anger can cause…. and so it’s about ‘choosing the hard’. I’d love for us to shift the focus from seeking revenge to reclaiming power over our lives.

Throughout the episode, I share practical tips and ideas for managing anger and challenging negative thoughts and feelings. The ultimate goal is to reach a state of neutrality, not fuelled by hatred or love but ‘just’ indifference. The aim is always taking small steps towards creating a new, positive chapter in our life after divorce.


I hope you enjoy the episode

Sarah 🌸

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Chapters

• 1:05 'Forgiveness', Letting Go and Anger intro for this week's episode
• 2:45 TW: Rape.... the 'big lie'.... an article that TRIGGERED my anger
• 5:20 Intentional deceit to hurt others
• 6:52 The anger as a result of questioning your whole marriage as a lie
• 8:50 Choose your hard?
• 10:23 Anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die
• 11:25 No justice, no consequence for him.... he doesn't give a shit
• 13:08 Neutrality and Indifference
• 15:07 Challenging the thoughts and feelings
• 18:15 Keeping the fire raging
• 19:05 Hiring the Bouncers in our VIP area
• 20:36 Releasing the E-motion (energy in motion)
• 23:23 The best revenge is a life lived well?
• 25:02 The Divorce Book Club - get Excited!
• 25:40 Don't forget the freebies

Transcript

00:00

Hello, hello, thank you so much for downloading this week's episode of the divorce chapter podcast where my mission as always, is to support you in creating a life you don't want to escape from. And with that in mind, this week, we are going to be looking at some sort of forgiveness. I mean, I say forgiveness. But that probably may be a step too far right now, so more like letting go of the anger, the hurt the resentment, and all the other bars and negative emotions that our ex has inflicted in order to actually live a freeing life. I sort of figured after the lies and the gaslighting episode a couple of weeks ago, that this might be a good follow up topic. Because if you're anything like I was for so many years, that anger about the way they treated you just continues to bubble away under the surface, like an unexploded volcano waiting to erupt, like almost eroding us at our core, you know? Now, I'm not saying I'm perfect at this at any level, there's still clearly something about it, that triggers me. I really value honesty and integrity. And it really pisses me off when people are deliberately deceitful, when they intentionally hurt other people. 

01:44

But this reminds me of something I read, which I did send to my email subscribers last week, and do hit the show notes if you want to be added to those five emails. But I digress. So I read this article about people who got divorced after 20 plus years of marriage. And it cited, I suppose 27 People with a brief outline of their stories, but one of them really fucking got me. Now, this may carry a bit of a trigger warning for rape. And so if this is likely to affect you, please, please, please skip forward, maybe 30 seconds a minute to get past this bit onto the actual forgiveness bit. So this guy had written 'my wife of 20 years told me that she was raped at a party when she was 17. I could not handle the information I left to live elsewhere. She then divorced me after five years separation. I paid a non court ordered support during separation because I had an older daughter's living at home.' Well, aren't you fucking brilliant?  Anyway. He says, 'I then applied for and received a Catholic annulment of the marriage. Now, after 13 years as a single man, I just wander from one short relationship to the next. Not good for a 65 year old man. I think I never got over the big lie'. And it's that last line that did me, 'I never got over the big lie', now some of the comments did back up my initial thoughts that this guy has taken his wife's horrendous experience as a victim as a victim of crime, and somehow turned it into his own trauma. Now there are all sorts of reasons why she may not have felt able to tell her husband about this. And we'll never know for sure what they are, you know, there's two sides and all that I know. But the thing that hit me the most was that this guy has somehow made this out as his wife telling a big lie. And I just think, she was a victim of an awful, horrific crime, and we can't begin to understand her trauma related to that. But he has now positioned himself as the victim of a liar. He's now the victim not her. Which I don't know for me, I just think when you've experienced lies from an individual who has actively gone out to destroy a relationship and cheat. Feels pretty fucking shitty if I'm honest, the pain that they leave you with when they've done that to you and manipulated you and made you doubt your own fucking existence. That feels very different. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. I'm not saying that been lied to is a competition as to the size of the lie, but I feel that someone deliberately telling lies in an actively deceitful way. So as to cover up their misdemeanours should surely not be in the same category. As someone who seemingly was so traumatised by what happened to her that she didn't feel able to trust her husband, with holding her emotion. You know, I don't know, I suppose it's about the intention of the lie. But you see, you know, that shit triggers me still. So there's something in me too. I'm not making out like I'm bloody perfect. 

05:51

The point is, when we've been lied to cheated on manipulated by the person who is supposed to love us, the most. It's shit. The person we married, has deliberately gone out of their way to destroy us. And that's how it feels right? They say if you want to truly know someone, marry them, but actually, to truly know someone is to divorce them, because then you see who they really are. I often question if I was just in love with an actor playing a role, I was the leading lady without a goddamn script, you know, it leaves us questioning who they really are. It leaves us questioning every single thing in the marriage as to what was real. It leaves us with so much anger. Which is why this week I wanted to focus on trying to get past the anger and learning to at least start to let go. Which I am not saying is easy by any means. I feel like I say on repeat on this podcast that this shit is hard. You know, I say hard a lot. Because some of the other words just don't seem to cut it, like, difficult makes it sound like it's a solvable thing, which when we are in it, we don't see that, it  doesn't feel solvable. Challenging sounds again, almost like there's an end. But for many of us, that doesn't feel like there's an end to the pain. So yeah, when we're in it, it's hard. And we want an out, but the way out is poxy hard too 

07:48

I guess it really is a case of choose your hard. It's hard to live in pain, not trusting yourself, let alone anyone else. Full of doubt, anger, sadness, grief. That's really fucking hard. But it is also hard learning to heal from that pain, to let go to grow from it to take responsibility for our lives moving forward, that shit is hard too. But if you had to choose your hard, which one sounds better, because to me, the first option sounds like a life sentence without parole. The second feels like it has a little bit hope at least no? Also, as Buddha reportedly says, said, whatever, in the words of Buddha right, holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. I'll say that again. I'll say a bit louder. For those at the back. Holding on to anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. So what does that actually mean? So imagine if your anger was a giant vat of rat poison. Huge, potent stuff. All the anger against your ex. Holding on to that anger that is drinking that poison from that vat yourself. Your ex, he aint suffering if you drink the poison, no matter how much you might want him to. And your ex is not suffering as a result of your anger and your pain.

09:47

Only you are my love you. The anger doesn't affect him at all. It's got no bearing on his behaviour. It doesn't get you justice. It's Got no consequence to him? Only to you that Justice point you want

10:05

someone to justify that. You are right. And he was wrong for him to acknowledge that he was wrong. He won't. He won't. Unless there is something in it for him. He won't. So think of it like this, are you now going to let him ruin the rest of your life? Because actually, from now on, it's down to you. This is a bit of tough love here. Because now, continuing this anger, it's you ruining your own goddamn life. It's not him ruining your life. It's you. I completely get it's a result of his actions. But staying in that angry place is on you really Do you really want to let him have that power over you? Wouldn't it? Feel better even just to go fuck you. I'm not letting your shit destroy me. In your head, obviously, you know, even if it starts in that way as some kind of revenge in your head, when you can truly get past that anger and not even want revenge anyway. Oh my god. That's brilliant. That's when you've done it. Got there. 

11:29

It's almost like getting to a place of neutrality. It's not love. It's not hate. It's not sadness. It's not happy. It's not anger it's not joy. Just pure indifference. Wouldn't that feel better? It said that the opposite of love is not hate. It is indifference. Doesn't that feel somehow much nicer? And it's not it's not about condoning what he did. Because let's face it, there are just some things that are just not okay. However you frame it, right. And I think this is something that can get a bit confused when we talk about air quotes, forgiveness, or letting go. Because the language kind of implies that we're condoning it when someone has hurt us. We're like, it's like we're freeing them. But firstly, that implies that we have some control over their emotions, which we don't, we can only control ourselves. And it's not about lording it over them like you're some higher being than them, you know, I forgive you your sins, you know. Secondly, this is not about freeing them from their shit. It's solely about freeing ourselves, they don't ever even have to know about it. It's not reconciling a relationship or anything. It's not about them. It's about us, it's about being just free from the emotion around it. And I say just flippantly because I know it's not an insignificant, easy thing to do. But it's learning we have the control to decide. 

13:24

Because how we think or feel is gonna determine the action that we take. Now, whether you think first or feel first, it kinda doesn't matter because they're so closely linked and they together determine our reality anyway. So if we stay angry and vengeful then guess what our life is gonna look like as a result? Yes, he did you wrong? Yes, we can call him all the names under the sun. Yes, he's fucked up your life as you knew it. But let's stop giving him the power to carry on fucking it up eh? Let's try and break it down a bit. So, say you feel angry. Anger is a feeling right? Where? Where are you feeling it in your tummy in your chest? What does it feel like? Because we tend to feel anger. Somewhere in the top half of our bodies. It's like it's our brain coming down into our body exploding us you know, it's that emotion linked to the brain and the nervous system. And it's said that emotion is energy in motion e-motion? What is that energy? And then going a bit deeper. What's your thought behind that feeling? Is it something like how could a I fucking hate him for doing this to me to us? You know, go deep and inquire ask questions. Not just accepting shit. Not just accepting that this is how you have to feel. This is how you have to think question it challenge it. Because do you want that emotion in your life forever? Because also with that anger probably comes fear, it probably comes shame, some sadness, and all the feels, and we have to feel that in getting through the grief. And we talked about that in a previous episode, but it's about when we get stuck on anger. That shit is holding us back. He doesn't give a shit. Sorry but he doesn't. And I know that's hard to hear. But he's done. He's moved on. And the really sad part about it is that he probably moved on during your marriage when you didn't even have a fucking clue. He processed this a long time ago. So in his mind, it's done. He's got no emotion. It's done. He dealt with it before you even knew about it. And we have to feel and process that. But I hear so much about anger lasting for years and years about wanting revenge, always looking for something to get him back. And listen, I get it. I'm not judging any level any level. But I also see what damage it does. And I've experienced that damage. I see that it has no consequence for him. Only you only us. It's like, He lit a fire a huge fucking fire granted, but just a fire. And what we're basically doing by staying so angry, is pouring fuel on that fire, keeping it going. Now, if we were indifferent about that fire, just let it go. The fire goes out. Because having a fire like that raging in you, it's no life. And it's not even him doing it to you. Now it's you doing it to you, you know. And this is all I'm trying to do is making you think about where you're at and why you're feeling what you're thinking and how we can start to move past it. 

17:26

There's a coach called Erica Kramer. She is known as the confidence coach. And she uses an analogy of a nightclub as a way to try to control her thoughts. So imagine there's a doorman right a bouncer on the door. Who decides who's coming in? They've got the decider on who's coming in. Now that nightclub is your mind your brain. And there's the bouncer so up comes I'm not lovable. Are you letting that fucker in? And then up comes? I'm not enough. All dressed up? I'm not enough. Fucking you might look good, but again Do you want that in your VIP area? Do you want anger in there hate pain. We want only the best in our VIP areas. You know, and this is how we can start to let go and work towards that neutrality. As I've already alluded to, it's starting to firstly become aware of your thoughts and then challenging the fuck out of them banning them from your VIP area. Getting the bouncer to chuck them out the feelings what are they telling you? Is that true? Is that even true? Or more importantly, is there another way I can think or feel about this? That would be a better benefit to me. 

18:57

Now you know I was banging on about journaling because it is the best way of making sense of your thoughts of doing that self inquiry stuff of asking yourself some questions to understand yourself more, call it the bounces tick list if you like what you're letting in and what you're letting go. And when you are in the midst of a surge of anger some quick ways to shift that emotion remember its energy in motion. So it's about shifting that energy state and releasing it from our bodies. Punch a pillow scream, fucking scream it out. Let yourself cry let yourself feel but get it the fuck out of you. Rip paper into a load of small pieces rip up photos of him if you have to. Go to the bottle bank and smash a load of bottles I love that one. Always a good one imagining its his head. You know it's getting that shit energy out of you because having it stuck in you is just damaging you. You know, I talked in the nervous system episode about adrenaline and the heart basing, tensing muscles, anger's basically being stuck in fight as a trauma response, you're permanently in fight mode, ready to attack. And if we stay stuck in that place, it can compromise the immune system, the cardiovascular system. It fucks us up. Even shortens our life, fuck him. Are you really gonna continue to do that to yourself love please, under some guise that he's done it to you. Because remember, from now on in this is about what you are doing to you. 

20:58

And he, is not worth that. Is he worth that? Do you really think he is worth that? Because even if you can't quite subscribe to the concept that we do have the power to manage our thoughts and feelings, even if you continue to want to place all the blame on him and not accept any responsibility for your own healing even if all of that it's not affecting him. He probably doesn't even give a shit right now. So what benefit is it to you to keep this anger challenge your thoughts release your feeling let go of the emotion. 

21:43

And then then we start to get to that place of neutrality. That really is a whole new blank page to work from in writing our next chapter. It's not a page that's been ripped up in anger and glued back together. It hasn't got angry scribbles on it. It's a beautiful fresh page for you to create the next bit of your life and make it fucking amazing. Isn't that better? Although there's also a saying isn't there? The best revenge is a life lived? Well, if you must see it as revenge. Fucking live your life well. Or as a meme I saw said something like forgiving you means I no longer dwell on what an asshole you are. It doesn't mean you're no longer an asshole, you know, nothing changes. What he did was wrong. But staying focused on that doesn't change that does it? So breathe. Sorry, if that was a bit of a ranty one week, I feel like that was a really ranty one, I just feel so passionately that we've got a chance to make something so good for ourselves out of something so shit. You know. So I hope you take something from it. Even if you just think about bouncers and VIP areas and fires and drinking poison. If something sticks. Just try and think about that when you're having an angry 'fuck him' moment. Yeah. 

23:23

And talking to moving forward and living our best goddamn lives. I'm still moving forward on the divorce Book Club, which I think will also help with this stuff. Because we'll be looking at divorce books, relationship books, healing books, as a group as a community that really helps us to grow and learn this shit and do this shit together. And fucking smash divorce, right? I'm hoping to get everything in place to start in March. But you know, I'll let you know the details as and when I still get to sort the shitty tech bit out. But until then, do remember too that there's a link in the show notes for some freebies for you. That may also help with the letting go side of things. There's some free journal prompts, which are great when you can't really get on side with the whole journaling thing, or where to start. Because it gives you a bit of a guide. There's also a quiz to help you find the best healing habit for you. All the links are in the episode underneath this in the show notes thingy. And also look online for letting go meditations because there's some really good ones like even just on YouTube, just type in letting go meditations. And actually, they're really quite good. I did one and that is really like kind of changed things because if I think of the moment and the person that I was so angry about when I now think of that person, I imagine something completely different. I imagine like a clown character. It's like you have to go through the meditation to get it but try it you know, anything that helps us grow and learn. So that I think it's probably me for this week. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you as always for listening and I will be back in your beautiful earbuds again next week. I will try not to be so ranty. Have a great week with loads of love from me.