35. Sass Levels unlocked: Rebuilding Confidence after Divorce

In this episode of the Divorce Chapter Podcast, we explore the theme of confidence after divorce. Drawing insights from the wisdom of the Queen of Confidence, Erika Cramer, we delve into what confidence truly means post-divorce.

Whether you're just starting your journey or you've been navigating life post-divorce for a while now, this episode is for you.

We'll explore what confidence truly means in the aftermath of divorce, how it intersects with our sense of self-worth, and practical strategies for reclaiming your power and embracing your inner sass. 

So if you're ready to step into your power, straighten that crown and show the world the amazing person you are becoming in this next chapter, then this episode is a must-listen. (It's a bit of a pep talk too 🤣)

Sending you so much love

Sarah x

🌸

CONFIDENCE FEELS LIKE SHIT BOOK:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1925452301/ref=nosim?tag=thedivorceb00-21

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Chapters

• 0:00 Confidence feels like shit
• 7:48 What does confidence mean to you?
• 10:58 Getting the evidence using the 4 minute mile
• 14:10 Choosing differently (and what we can change)
• 18:00 Telling the shitty committee to shut the fuck up
• 22:06 Be it until you see it
• 24:32 The Divorce Book Club

Transcript

00:01

Hello, and welcome to the divorce chapter podcast where this week, we are looking at confidence. And specifically, what does confidence mean to you after divorce? Now, I'm coming at this partly because I'm currently reading a book all about confidence. It's called How to Be confident by James Smith, which goes pretty deep into the sciency and research stuff. But I also wanted to talk about confidence because, as you may know, my blueprint for moving on after divorce the story arc, if you like for this next chapter, the divorce chapter is called The blossom method. Now I can do an episode breaking down each of the components of the blossom method if that would be helpful. But for the purposes of this episode, I'm focusing particularly on the first S, which stands for sass, which is also quite personal for me, because my mum used to often call me sass, potentially because I may or may not have been ever so slightly sassy. But there we go, we move. Now, traditionally, sass apparently means kind of being a bit rude and a bit disrespectful. But I like to think of it as you know, like having that bit of sass that ability to be themselves, I think of a sassy chick, as someone who isn't afraid to speak her mind and has an air of energy and just air of confidence. Now, I probably always had a bit of a sassy edge, clearly, as my mother used to call me it. But I think for me, the sass hasn't been linked to self worth, as that's historically been shit. So maybe I was just a rude cow after all, but I have to say that especially after my divorce, I lost all confidence in myself, and what little self worth I had. And I think probably my sassy edge may well have been kind of almost like my public if you like mask, so that people really didn't see how shit I felt about myself, I don't know. But it's why I suppose it was important for me to include it in the blossom method, which is overall about working through our thoughts and our feelings and our behaviours, and increasing our overall confidence in ourselves and our lives and learning to love independence and single life with so much hope and excitement for the future. That's what the blossom method is all about, and why I think confidence is probably somewhere at the core of all of that. But what does confidence actually mean? Because I think we have this idea of confidence as equating to someone extrovert taking no shit, speaking up. But in reality, it's my view that confidence, sass, whatever you want to call it is way more nuanced than that. I guess, at its simplest confidence is the belief in ourselves, whether that's in who we are or what we're doing. And after divorce, that's rocked in so many fucking ways. So I think it comes back down to what does confidence mean to you? How do you think you've lost confidence? Where do you think you need to rebuild some confidence, if at all? But what does confidence mean to you? Now, it could be getting yourself out there dating again, or having sex again, heaven forbid, it could be eating alone or going to an event on your own it might be I don't know, just confidence overall in our self worth, it might just be confidence in choosing what to have for fucking dinner or what kind of paint to buy because it's all been taken out of you. By him in the past. Only you can decide what it means to you. Which is why it's important to first understand that when I say to you, do you feel confident? Where and when do you automatically jumped to in your mind when I say that, do you feel confident? What's your first thought? An amazing woman I follow on Instagram and I listen to her podcast as well is a woman called Erica Kramer who's known as the Queen of confidence. And she's written a book as well on this subject called Confidence feels like shit. A title I love because it kind of grabs you, doesn't it? Confidence feels like shit. But then in her first chapter, she explains why confidence feels like shit. And I want to just read to you what she says. Okay, she says, here's the thing. It's such hard work to become confident. And the journey you gotta go on to get there is an absolute rite of passage that knows no boundaries when it comes to feeling embarrassment, shame, discomfort, fear, and self doubt. It sucks home girl. But here's the flip side. When you create more confidence, and I mean, True Confidence, you enter the space where you retain 100% of the power to choose how you feel, what you believe and how you want to experience your life. Being confident, allows you to transcend all sorts of bullshit that holds you back. Because it puts you in a place where you learn how to truly let go of what others think, say, and believe about you. Fuck yes. I think that's why she's the queen of confidence. I'll leave a link to her book in the show notes because it's a real good and and I love her style, if you couldn't tell. 

06:46

But anyway, with that as our baseline today, then I want to ask you, where in your life, would you like more confidence? Where do you want that power to choose? Where would you like to feel that level of not giving a fuck what others think of you? And then how the hell do we get more confidence, right. And I do think though that where there is a lack of confidence, there is also a massive link to self esteem, and also to fear. Because, as I said, I think half the lack of confidence stems from that low self worth and from fear, fear of the unknown. Fear of being single fear of getting down and dirty with a new bloke fear of all sorts of shit. It's fear. For me that drives the lack of confidence. So what can we do? Well, first up, it's starting to break out of the comfort zone, step by step and proving it to yourself first, setting small stepping stones on the path to the end goal. But where is that end goal for you? You need to set that first? Is it that you want to get yourself on the dating sites again? Is it that you just want to feel okay naked in case you end up in bed with someone? Is it that you want to walk into a somewhere on your own into a party into a pub? Is it that you want to just feel excited in your future? Or is it maybe just an inner sense of calm? And knowing and trusting who the fuck you are? So where is it you want to get to? Where is it? You're starting from? Because we kind of need to know both to get going. We need to know the end goal. But we also need to know the starting point. Think about it right? If I was trying to get somewhere to meet you. And I got lost. I call you and I say I've got no idea where I am. The first thing you'd be likely to say is Well, where are you now? you'd asked me to point out things I could see or signs or whatever. And it's much the same for when we're creating this new part of us setting this new goal for who we are a level of confidence. We need to know where you are now where you're starting from as well as your destination to work out the route and getting there.

09:57

And then is it the scenic rout with lots and lots of tiny little steps, Or are you zooming down the motorway and risking getting flashed from the old speed cameras? Only you know where you're lacking confidence now, and the sass level you are aiming for only you know, how fast or slow is viable for you to get there. But that's really what today's episode is about, I want you to think about all of these questions I'm putting out there. And think about what that means to you, and how you can move forward. Let's say, I don't know, you want to feel more confident walking in somewhere on your own. So wherever you now, can you go into a coffee shop on your own to get a takeaway? Can you do that, if you can do that, one small step could be still getting your coffee in a takeaway cup. But then sitting in there for five minutes. And then when that feels a bit more comfortable, make it 10 minutes. And then when you can do that comfortably, then get the coffee in a proper cup. And what you're doing is showing yourself very, very slowly that it's possible. You're learning to trust yourself, you're getting confidence in that you can do it. taking small steps and proving to yourself that you are able to do it is getting the evidence that you've smashed that step out the park. Because once you've done something once it's possible for you again, I'm sure we've all heard the stories about Roger Bannister running the four minute mile. That historically it was widely believed that running a mile in less than four minutes was impossible. It was considered unattainable. Much like climbing Everest had been till Edmund Hillary did it. Then in 1954 70 years ago, Roger Bannister only went and goddamn did it didn't he? Despite that, he'd been told it was not only impossible, but downright dangerous for his body. But he smashed it. He showed it was not impossible at all. And you know what, once he'd done that, a month later, someone else did it. And in the three years that followed, a further fifteen runners went on to do the same and who knows how many others have done it in the seventy years since it's because they knew it was possible there was evidence. And once it's possible, once it's possible again, and again and again. So where can you take one small step and prove to yourself that it's possible, so that you too, can do it again and again. 

13:09

And again. I think of confidence, a bit like a muscle that needs to be trained. So it's working out whatever area of your life you want some more confidence, and then working through what steps are needed to get you to the end goal. And practice, practice, practice. Show it to yourself that you fucking can, you can and in working out that destination and end goal where you want to increase confidence it's also important to focus on what you can change because let's face it right? Is not what we fucking planned, is it? We did not walk down the aisle in a white frock and expect to be later getting a divorce order to cancel out the bloody wedding certificate did we? It's shit, it's shit that we can't have the future we planned it is. But we can spend time ruminating over what's been, a bit like I said in last week's episode about a depression about the past. Or we can choose different Yes, he used to go to events with you so you didn't have to do it on your own or meals with you or whatever. Yes, he knew your body so you didn't have to worry so much. Yes, he may well have initially at least made you feel good about yourself. But unfortunately my love he has chosen differently now. And you can spend your energy choosing to look back on something you no longer have. Or you can choose differently. And I know that sounds super fucking harsh and I I'm sorry, I'm truly sorry, that might be a bit of a kick. But I see so much more for you and I want you to be able to focus on what you can change? And what you can choose? We need to choose we get, you know, we get to choose confidence or we choose fear. Which one are you going to give the power to? Please just ask yourself that the next time you feel a lack of confidence, just stop and ask yourself, can I choose to be my power here? Can I choose differently? I heard someone say something recently right and although it's perfectly obvious, for some reason, it hit really differently. For me, and really stuck. She said, The future doesn't exist yet. The future doesn't yet exist. Wow. If it doesn't yet exist, there mate it's in our power to create. How bloody powerful is that? So I'd love for you to think about that the next time you let confidence in any given situation, if the future does not yet exist, where can I choose differently? Where can I choose more. 

16:20

And another thing too, in developing our confidence and finding our personal sass after divorce, it's so so fucking important to be kind to yourself, I want you to try and think of something by an area in which you lack confidence. Have a think of something that's personal to you. Then think of all the reasons that fucking shitty committee in your head is stopping you. All of them, every reason, say 'em out loud if you can. Let me try and think of an example to try and help. Okay, let's say you've been invited to a friend's 50th birthday party, you're dreading going alone. So you've taking yourself off shopping to buy a new outfit to make yourself feel a bit more confident. Okay? Only everything you see, feels too young. You've got no idea whats in fashion anymore. So you go into a shop and you know, you manage to find a couple of bits and head to the changing rooms try on. So you put on a lovely dress and as you catch sight yourself in the mirror, you just think eeuurggghhh so you say to yourself, fuck, my stomach looks fucking huge. I look like mutton dressed as lamb. Fuck I look old. Everyone's gonna laugh at me. I'll never be someone who could wear something like this. I can't go can I? I'll have to tell her I can't make it. I can't possibly go looking at this. Et cetera, et cetera. I'm sure I'm not the only one who's had this changing room internal dialogue with myself. So whatever thing or situation you were thinking of have in mind, all those types of things the shitty committee in your head would be saying okay, now I want you to think about the situation or thing again, only this time, a friend is the one in that situation. So now what would you be saying to her? Would you be repeating the shitty committee to her? Let's go back to the changing rooms situ. So your friend tries on the dress and comes out saying that she looks like shit. I can bet you say stuff like, oh, wow, I love it's oh my god, it looks gorgeous on you. That colour looks amazing. It really suits you. And when she tries to rebuff your comments and you'd reassure her and remind her that changing room lighting is always dodgy as hell. And we all feel like that in them. You know? I very, very much doubt that you'd agree with her. When she says she looks like shit and can't possibly go to the party and that, would you? You'd be her biggest cheerleader in that moment. No? So why the fuck? Can't you do the same to yourself? Seriously, it's one of the biggest things that can help you build confidence in whatever area that is you're thinking. Be your own bestie Be your own cheerleader. I know, I know, it's hard, I know that. But remember, we get to choose, right? 

20:27

We've talked about choosing differently. So we've talked about that we've talked about getting the evidence to prove it to yourself and be your own bestie. So one more thing I just want to cover. Be it until you see it. Now, I talk about this quite a lot. Because in order to become the person we want to be, we have to start embodying it now. So think, again, of the thing, the area, the situation where you'd like more confidence. What does someone who already has the confidence level that you want? What do they do? Who do they be? How do they act? Think about them that type of person. And think about whether there are things that you can take from that, and emulate now in the small steps that you're taking to prove it to yourself. It's a little bit like fake it until you make it. And again, getting the evidence that you too can be Who the fuck you want. So think of the type of confidence or Sass that you want. Wonder Woman energy, if you like, where can you start to give off that energy and step into that person. Because again, keep repeating keep practising, and you get the proof. You're her you are her. I want you to own your power. In this situation, area thing, whatever you're thinking. Because divorce may not have been what we planned, but we sure as hell can turn it into something that works for us. We really can stand up to that toxic bullshit that we've probably faced for years and saying that that straighten our goddamn clowns, no fucks given we can turn divorce into our superpower. You fucking got this my love. And that is your pep talk for the week ahead, right. 

22:53

So on that super positive note, shall we end there? But let's end on a high with getting our sass back on. Go out there be your own cheerleader. Take the small steps towards an exciting new future. And what you can change be it until you see it choose your power. No fucks given zero fucks given, love it. Now we can cover a sassy confidence book in the book club if you'd like I do actually think the queen of confidence book will be bloody perfect for it anyway. And if you haven't signed up for the divorce book club yet, why not? What are you doing with your life? If you're listening to this episode, on the day or the week it comes out. We're starting next week. So run, don't walk, run. Get in there. All the links are in the show notes and I can't wait to see you. I can't wait to get started. Let's do this shit together. And so ending on a high with SAS levels unlocked. That's a wrap for this week. And thank you as always for being here. I'm sending you so much love. And I will be back in your beautiful earbuds again next week.