The Divorce Chapter

37. Swipe Right, Proceed with Caution: The 'Divorced and Dating' Handbook

• Sarah Elizabeth • Episode 37

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Welcome to this episode where we dive into the murky waters of dating post-divorce. Whether you're contemplating it, already dipping your toes in, or happily single but keeping an open mind, this one's for you.


I'm no dating expert as you’ll hear in the episode 😂 but I've had my fair share of post-divorce dating mishaps, so I figured it's a topic worth exploring.


In this episode we talk about when to start dating (and when it just may be too soon). We talk through setting up dating profiles online  and then all the way through to what to look out for in their profiles, photos and the all important messages (including managing unwanted dick pics 🙄)


Dating after divorce, whether online or in-person, presents unique challenges, especially for those of us over 40. With a limited pool of potential partners (going by my very rough calculations!) there’s a lot to think about past whether they are over 6 foot and bearded or not 🤣


The key thing is protecting oneself from deception, recognising red flags, and prioritising personal safety. Maintaining clear boundaries and staying true to ourselves while detaching from outcomes can be really fucking hard but worth it if we want a fulfilling dating experience. 


I hope you enjoy the episode ❤️


With so much love,


Sarah x


🌸





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00:00

Hello, and welcome to the divorce chapter podcast where this week we are going to be talking about the hairy scary concept of dating after divorce. Hmm. So are you thinking about dating again after divorce? Maybe you have started dating already. Maybe right now you can't even think about it. But also don't quite want to rule it out. Because as much as you can't face the whole dating scene right now, you also can't imagine the rest of your life alone. Or you're like me at the moment, and just too damn content and peaceful as single and have about as much interest in dating as you do stabbing yourself in the eyes with fine needles. You know, that wherever you are on the dating question. It's one that keeps popping up a lot. Hence the reason for this episode. Now, believe me, I am no dating expert. But I have made a few fuck ups in dating after divorce. Let me tell you. So I figured this might be a good subject to focus on and talk about when to date, how to date, because if you're anything like me, dating sites like bloody Tinder didn't even exist when you last dated pre marriage? And what are the things we might need to watch out for and think about? Okay, does that sound like a plan Stan? Whoever Stan is. I've got quite a long list of notes here. So this could be a bit of a longer one. So get yourself a brew and let's get started. Let me tell you a little bit about how I got into dating...... badly. So my ex and I split just after Christmas 2012 after I'd gone away for the one night to think. Just the one night taking only my PJs, a bottle of wine and my makeup. And he took the chance to end it. January I was pretty much on the floor. By the February March time, all the shit was coming out about the affairs and the financial shit show he left me in. And by the first week of April, I was seeing a solicitor for my free first advice session on getting the divorce rolling. So by May obvs I was totally ready to start dating again. Right? Yeah, wrong, except I didn't bloody know it was so wrong at the time, did I? I was a mess. In every single area of my life. My self esteem was non existent, I had more trust issues than I'd had hot dinners, I was vulnerable as fuck, and an emotional wreck. So of course I was totes ready. NOT, and thereby running headfirst into a series of fuckboys and crazies, which is not what one needs in this crucial, vulnerable period of one's life. 

 

03:25

So, with that in mind, I want to talk about when to date. Because we do need to be ready and have started healing at least a little bit. Right. Now we've talked about grief and the various cycles of shock, anger, sadness, etc. On previous episodes, and all the shit we need to go through first to get to the acceptance part, otherwise known as the meh part. Just meh. The whatevs stage, the bit where we have fuck it energy. Now I'm not saying we have to be totally there quite yet. But it does, perhaps help. Think about if you're still at the stage where you're alternating between snotting into your sleeve because you've run out of tissues again and then hurling your phone at his latest bastard text. I'm just going to put this out there that you might just might not be ready quite yet. And I know, you know it all sounds so I don't know what appealing may be at this stage because quite frankly at this point in we're often terrified of being a sad single. We've been quite comfortable in our marriage thank you and the thought of having to do life alone is just not a life worth thinking about. So we just want to try and move on. We're so used to Having someone by our side that we think we need to have someone there. And plus, if you've been cheated on the self esteem is non existent. And we 100% believe that the resolution to our rejection issues is to replace the cause of the problem. You know, because at this point, we see the solution to our grief as being in another relationship for some strange reason. You know, we think if someone else can love us and pay attention to us, then it can't be asked for it. You know, it makes us all right, it validates us, because we still think it must be us deep down, we can't possibly realise yet that our beloved ex has a flawed character can we? It must be us. So let's try and fix this. And let's try and replace him and we can brush any healing that we need to do firmly under the nice pink fluffy rug. I'm sort of joking, but sort of not, you know, because the problem is when we go in sprinting, all in into dating, when we're not ready, then all that grief and shit we haven't dealt with, will most certainly come back to bite you firmly on the ass with the next bloke and the next and the next. Until we properly deal with it. You might have heard people talk about dating replicas of their ex, like he might wear a different style of clothes, or have had a different haircut. But on the inside, he's the same. It might be that he has the morals of a low life like your ex. It may be that he likes to play victim like your ex, it could well be that he's love bombing you. And it reminds you of how your ex was at the start, which was lovely. Until it wasn't and you just forgot how that shit show ended. There's a saying that the situation will keep repeating itself until you learn. And I think that's never truer than in relationships. Now, I'm equally not saying you need to be totally and thoroughly healed, either. Because, you know, are we ever completely healed from everything. Whenever we up level to the next level, in this game of life, there's always a new bloody devil, you know, new level new devil, healing is a long game. And also, to a point, it may be that you need to sort of test out your healing and learning a bit. Like how you might deal with conflict differently. How, now you've healed a little bit, you might have changed a bit. So how do you deal with that now? Or how you might have stronger boundaries? Now? Sometimes we need to learn on the job, you know, I came back to my master's in social work, right? I learned all the theories, all the concepts, all the ideas and suggested practice. But nothing and I mean, nothing can prepare you quite like physically having to remove a child from its parent. Seeing a newborn baby withdrawing from heroin, taking a child to a sexual abuse, medical, seeing a kids bedroom covered in human faces. No amount of education was ever gonna prepare me for the reality. And it's kind of the same in healing and learning and developing in relationships. There is only so much healing you can do before you need to test it out a bit, you know. So it's definitely definitely a balance between too soon and leaving it too long. So how will you know? And I think, I guess one of the questions to really ask yourself is, what is it that you think a relationship can give you that you can't give yourself? Because, you know, I think that's an important one. And I'm not talking about sex, because there's all sorts of contraptions to help out on that front love. But what is it, you're really wanting from a relationship? Because I think this is a really good starting point for working out if it's a good time to start dating, or whether you just need to wait a little bit longer and do a little bit more work. And another thing to think about what are the boundaries you set yourself? Because you really do need to know this.

 

09:52

You know when I rushed into dating too soon, quite honestly, it was a case of anyone that wants me will do. They could've been a fucking serial killer for God's sake and I'd still have probably seen it as my responsibility to rescue them, or some bullshit. I still saw it as my job to change to meet a man's needs because it's, it's me that's wrong right it was me that was at fault. So it must be my job to change. So if a man isn't right it's my job to change that. I never fucking realise that any man worthy of Me, wouldn't expect me to fucking change. And it's a long, hard lesson, but a really valuable one in owning your space in the dating world, and knowing what you will and will not accept. And I'll talk in a second about thinking about this and how to start dating. But just quickly, I also want to mention one other thing in when to start dating. Now, it's not a thing in the UK, because in the UK, we have no fault divorce. But I'm aware that in the US, there are some states in which if you were to start dating, prior to the legal divorce going through, it could still be considered as adultery and therefore affect the legal proceedings. Now, there's a whole other argument about morally, whether it's adultery, if you've been separated a good while because you was the victim of a cheating wanker. But I'm not going there today. All I'm saying is if the actual divorce hasn't gone through yet, you might want to just check out your legal position, wherever you live in thinking about whether to start dating, prior to the legal stuff going to. Okay. 

 

11:51

So how to start dating then. Okay, we think we're ready. So how was where we'll really start, I think it's a really good idea to have a list of non negotiables as well as what you're looking for in an ideal world. Its not being overly rigid. But what it does, is keep you on track for the right kind of man, and stop you heading down a dead end with a wrong 'un, you know, so a good rough plan is to start with a list of what you want. And I'm not just talking about looks, because you know, we seem to all want a man over six foot with a beard. But apparently, only about 25% of men in the UK are actually over six foot let's forget the beard for a minute. Only about 25% of men in the UK are actually over six foot, it's even less in the US right I looked it up. And then when we deduct the ones that are already in relationships, it doesn't leave much even if you are flexible on clean shaven or not. Although seemingly, the average height for men in the Netherlands is six foot so maybe go there if it's non negotiable. But seriously, right when I say what you want. I'm talking about how you want a partner to make you feel? Is it that you want him to make you laugh? Is it that you want someone who enjoys the same hobbies as you? Is it someone who loves the holidays, whatever you want, write it down. But think in an ideal world, this list is wants so it shouldn't be an absolute deal breaker. Unless of course, it really is a deal breaker. Which then means we move on to the non negotiables on what you need. So you've had your want list. Now you've got your need list. And this is a bit more of a have to have. So it might be that commitment is vital. So ending up with a commitment phobe avoidant as I did is not a great plan. It might be that you need to have honesty, you need integrity, loyalty, or you might need them to have financial security that might be a big need for you not just a want a need. You know if like me you've experienced financial abuse that might be really fucking important. Are you concerned about children because please do not start dating a man who has kids if children are a massive no for you. That's not okay. These are more like the deal breaker things that could stop you wasting time and energy with a bad match you know. And then once you've got your lists of wants and you've got your list of needs, then finally create a list of absolute no no's for you. Like seriously the qualities on this list are the ones to make you run for the hills before you get sucked in by the height and beard shit. Like for me, rudeness to waiting staff is a massive no for various reasons. It's a massive no I can't tolerate that. That's an absolute no no. So if I went on a date with someone that was rude to the waiting staff you can fuck right off there and then, we're done. It might be the it's someone who Gamble's or has a dependent personality that might be a no no for you. It might be that they're shit with money or a shit dad or just shitty person. Maybe convictions are straight, no for you, whatever the conviction is, a conviction is a no, no. You know, whatever it is, try to break it down into wants needs and absolute no no's. Because having this in mind before you start really helps keep your focus before you get caught up in the giddiness of attention. 

 

15:49

Because believe me when you first go on dating sites, you will get untold attention, you will. I kind of liken it to being a piece of rump steak entering a lion's den. That's how it feels, fresh meat. There are a lot of people on these sites who have been on there a long time with no success. To be honest, once you start talking to them, you realise maybe why. But anyway, maybe they are just discerning, but by the way, they jump on to messaging you quicker than Usain frigging bolt perhaps suggests otherwise. So just be aware of that and choose your sites first, because each of them kind of have different nuances. And I haven't been on them for a while. So you might need to do a bit of research on this. But, you know, like Tinder, for instance, nowadays, is pretty much a hook up for sex site, rather than looking for long term. And on that long term thing, most sites when you go on there will have a questionnaire type thingy that asks for a bit about you, including whether you're looking for long term relationship. Be honest, it's no use saying that you're looking for hookup if you're looking for husband number two, or three, whatever. Though that's also on the list to watch out for in men too, because generally in my experience whilst they might say they're looking for long term, the dick pic landing in message three implies that maybe that isn't the case, but we'll get onto that and dick pics in a bit. For now, just focus on getting your own setup. True to form true to you . Be honest with your age, be honest with your intention too, put up decent photos. Photos are an odd one actually which we'll also get onto with what to watch. But I think it's good to have a few maybe at least one headshot style, type one, you know, just head, head face and one full length. Use ones that show the real you whether that's laughing or social one or hobby one, you know, just make it authentic. Do not though, do not put up any photos of your kids or grandkids or even mates actually, you know what, try and keep it just to you so they know which one you are. So then there's a bio bit Again, my advice is to play about with this until you find something that feels authentic to you and honest. But without giving too much away. It is hard. And there are all sorts of tips and shit that you can Google and get online but and you can edit this if it doesn't feel right as you go along. You can keep it short and sweet to start add to it, whatever you know. So you've got your photo, you've got everything your age, your height, your photos, your bio all the lot, right. 

 

18:59

So now once you're set up, you can get swiping. Now, most of the sites now are swipe left or right and it's usually left to lose right to receive, it's a good way to remember it. Get rid of them swipe left, right, oooh yes please. It's brutal. I'm not gonna lie. It's brutal. You know like when you're doom scrolling on social media and you scroll past some posts without bothering to look because they just don't even grab you. They don't feel like something you're even interested in. And it's the same principle. Which means ultimately, that no matter how much you say you're only interested in how they make you feel it's the basic instinct of are they six foot with a beard that is likely to implement the swipe into action in the first place. And, you know, I guess when you think about that's also what prospective partners are doing right back atcha it's brutal, which actually is another point on being ready to date, you know, because you need to be able to tolerate rejection, which is realistically based on your photos, and maybe your bio, but more likely your photos. And it doesn't say anything about you. It's just their preference. Just as if you swipe left on someone, maybe the nicest bloke on Earth. But if there's no initial physical attraction to perk your interest, then it's just probably not likely to motivate you to continue to show an interest is it. And it's the same for them doing it right back at you. It's not personal, it's just not a potential match, right? So once you've swiped by on them, and then they've also swiped right on you, too. Kerching. It's a match. 

 

20:59

And this is where shit starts to get real. And we get on to messaging. So different sites have got different things, as I said, so like, bumble, for instance, once you've both swiped right on each other, and it's a match. Then on Bumble, the woman has to message first, which I used to quite like, because it put me in control. But on the flip side, it does mean that you're always the one responsible for coming up with witty hooks and questions to start a conversation. Which can also be painful in itself, it does help if they've got a bit of a bio about themselves, where you might be able to pick out something or to talk about ask about how to know. But often there's not even that. So it's down to you to think of something. And the bumble does its best to help or at least it used to when I was on it by giving suggestions that you can tweak and say at least it used to. And I think some women do prefer to have that control to message first, you know, but then there's other sites like plenty of fish, where any fucker on there can message you. Again, this was back in when I was using them. So do check. Even if you haven't matched, they can fucking message you and they do, which can be equally painful and demonstrates that whilst there may well be plenty of fish, some of them are best off staying at the bottom of the ocean. Thanks. You know, what is hinge which gets you filling out more of a questionnaire about likes and dislikes and shit which does help to maybe filter out those with perhaps similar interests or not. And the question often asked is should you pay for dating sites? I don't know I've done both free and paid some on the same site like match, for example, you can get the free version. The argument is that if people pay for it, then it weedles out the fuckboys who have zero intent for relationship. But I don't know, I'll be honest, I don't truly know if that was my experience. A commitment phobe that I was with for example, he paid for match before and after me. But I guess it does at least show more intent than the freebies. But that's up to you. And do you know what? I know is I'm conscious as I'm talking that I sound really cynical of dating sites. I um, I don't know, I guess for me, I feel the problem is with many of the dating sites, I think in your 40s and 50s particularly is that the people on there are genuinely some variation of your ex because I think the secure people who can sustain a relationship, the decent secure ones, right? They're by and large not on there because they are still in the said safe, secure relationships. So what you ended up with is a variation of your ex on there or maybe even your actual ex on there or they're fuck Boys in their twenties and thirties who lie about their age because they want the fantasy of an older woman. Of course, that's not always the case as shown by the very fact that we are also on there as good people secure people seeking a relationship. But I guess it's just a matter of taking your time and keeping that list of wants needs and no no's very handy because it can take considerable time and energy and the need to kiss way more than necessary frogs. But it's also still far better to wait for the right person than just take what's left. You know, it's not the bargain basement rail at TK maxx or TJ Maxx if you're in the States, you know, there are success stories, I'm putting my cynical bit aside, there are success stories. But you do just have to protect yourself. Of course, there's also the option to meet people in actual life, you know, kind of what we used to, in the old days, how you probably met your ex like I did. Back in 1990. When I met my ex, we didn't have mobile phones and apps and shit. You had the so called Lonely Hearts page in the local paper, but by and large, they weren't utilised by normal people in those days. So the only option was meeting them in real life, which is okay, when we're under 30. But I think, perhaps when over 30 a hell of a lot harder. Because yeah, let's go back to the bearded six plus, for example, shallow, but humour me, we can forget the beard, the beard, just go back to the six footer, just humour me. Now, if we've said that, over six footers of only 25% of the population, and we've said that three quarters of them probably are in relationships. So let's say we have about 6%. Ish, that are single, right? From a very rough bit of a search very rough mind, it seems that there's around 15 point 6 million adults in the UK, aged 40 to 59. Now, if around 51% ish of the population are women, very roughly, very roughly, we're talking about seven or 8 million men. In that age category. I'm aiming this at men and women, because I'm a woman, I would be looking for a man, so I'm aiming that but you know, skew the figures to what you're looking for. So we're talking roughly seven or 8 million men in that age category. Now, if we're thinking at least three quarters of them are in relationships, then we're talking probably less than 2 million men in this age group that might be single, in the whole of the UK. And then when you take out fuckboys take out gay men, there's probably not that many left, you know, and these are spread out amongst the whole UK. So all I'm saying and I know I'm a cynical old bird and definitely not a data analyst so don't come at me on that. But by my very, very loose calculations, the chances of meeting Mr. Absolutely perfect who also ticks the non negotiable list in your local pub at exactly the moment when you're in there on a Friday night is perhaps a little slim. I don't know, you know, so I know I'm supposed to be promoting dating here. I forgot the purpose. I'm trying, I'm trying but, you know, this speed dating, speed dating in real life, there's that there's supposed to be fun. I've never done one. So I don't know, I'm probably not being helpful. I'm gonna move on. Okay, but we're moving on. 

 

28:24

However you choose to start dating, whether it's online, or in real life, the most vital thing is that you still have to protect yourself. Which brings me on to what to watch out for. Now, I've just looked I'm up to half an hour already. This is going to be a long one. So I'll whiz throught But yeah, sorry, I think it's really important because this is actually probably the most critical part about what to watch for. So I'm gonna start this part with just saying this. The problem happens when we fall in love with the idea of who they are, or where it could go. I'll say that again. The problem happens when we fall in love with the idea of who they are, or where it could go. We fall for the romantic outcome rather than them. We think we're going to get the Disney ending and get so goddamn caught up in the excitement, the fantasy that we miss some serious indicators of trouble ahead.

 

29:38

So first up back to the dating sites, particularly right now, just as I said in the photos and bio bit, just watch out for these couple of things. Because men seem to know that we all seem to want a man over six foot and so many, many have been known to lie about their height. And also, as I mentioned, many fuckBoys can lie about their age actually do you know what is not just fuckboys older blokes who want a younger woman lie about their age, too. So when you're setting up your age preferences, and you're searching, so let's say you're 49, and you set your searches at 45 to 55, for example, right, up comes Alfie, who says he's 46. But he's actually 26. But he likes an older woman, or Bert, who comes up as 54. But it's actually 74. And likes a younger woman, they'll come up on your searches, and it's really hard to spot at first. Usually, their photos are the best giveaway for this if they've used recent honest ones. And clearly, they think they are so wonderful that you will overlook the fact that hes a lying bastard. But try not to overlook it my love, you know, because if lying is the first brick in the foundation of a potential relationship, it's hardly a nice sturdy one is it is a bit fucking crumbly, you know. And similarly, you might not know about their height until they woo you into a physical date. And then you realise he must have typed six foot two by accident, complete Miss type, but he should have put five foot so it did by accident, his finger slipped. Again, they clearly think they can lie and charm their way into seeing you and then it's magic. And the risk is though, that you do end up going, Oh, but you seem so lovely. Maybe I could overlook it. And I mean, what you're doing is basically putting it out there that you will accept dishonesty from them. And I mean, you know, if you put down lying wanker on your wants and needs list then go for your life, but I'm just saying it's not a good start when they lie. And photos are another funny one on dating sites, you know, because I may or may not have been known to swipe left because I didn't like the top they were wearing. I know. I know. And we wonder why I didn't like datingsites right. But genuinely just the thing to watch out for in photos, right? There's a bit of a joke about half naked men holding a giant fish of some description as they're dating. Now, I don't know about you, but that doesn't do it for me. But, you know, there are things that you can see in photos like if smokers are an absolute NO, NO for you on your nono list, then you might want to swipe left on someone holding a ciggy, for example, or the other thing to watch in photos is when there's only group shots, and you can't work out which one is or him and a mate. That's that's a common one. They usually just put loads of photos of two people, them and a mate, same mate usually one who's far better looking. So that's the one you think you're getting and then find the mate was actually click bait, swipe bait, you know, generally, if you can't work out which one he actually is then maybe not bother. Also, it does really make me laugh. But there are also an awful lot of people on dating sites with no pictures. Nothing nada. Now, yes, I know, we're not supposed to be shallow. But you  kind of got to give us something to work with no. For me, kind of weirdly defeats the object. But again, what do I know? So then we'll get past that bit and onto messages. And I said before about starting messages. But if you get past that and get to message three, and all you still get is hi, then I'm not sure this one's going to be a talker. conversation can be complicated on dating sites. And again, for me, I dunno it slightly negates the point of getting to know each other on a dating site. Because how are you going to progress to a date if all you can say is hi? But if we do get to know each other, and things are looking promising, at what point do you exchange phone numbers to WhatsApp? You know, I don't think weeks and weeks to be honest. But equally, I'm always a tad wary of those that are straightaway under some guise of oh it's easier to message on WhatsApp. Or I just want to get off the sites. Again, I'm cynical, but in my experience, you get the ones who want to whatsapp straightaway. And then yeah, you get a message and new message on the dating sites from someone else. So you go on and check it out. And then you get a load of shit from WhatsApp guy because they've seen you online on the sites. Well, dickhead the only way you know I'm online on the sites if you are too, prick,  but yeah, actually do you know what, on that point, when do you become only talking to the one person? Because some of these guys on dating sites want you very very quickly to say you're only speaking to them and nobody else then they then they speaking to loads people but you they want you only speaking to them as if you already know he's the one and taking yourself off the market. I mean, I would suggest a few dates first before you start coming off the sites love. You know, you're not gonna find out if he's Mr. Perfect that quickly. And we'll come on to love bombing unreasonable expectations again on that in a moment. 

 

35:46

But while we're still on the messaging point, just quickly, dick pics now. It seems to be the in thing for men to send dick pics. I've been sent a fair few in my time. And I mean, why? They're not exactly the most appealing visual organ are they? But anyway, I digress. All I'm gonna say is what do you think that a bloke who sends a dick pic before you've even met is after? When they turn the conversation to sex, otherwise known as sexting by message five. What sort of sex are you into? Do you like anal? Like all that sort of shit. Fuck off with your dick pic mate and worse when they start with the Oh I've sent you mine now send me a pic of you naked slash your boobs or some shit. Do not feel obliged no matter what shit they spout to you. Oh, just want to check if we'll be compatible sexually. Whilst he sat over there wanking over your pic, which he then shows his mates, fuck off. And I'm sorry if that sounds really crude, but this is the harsh reality of what we're dealing with nowadays. Hence, the pool is small and full of shit. I couldn't help do you know what I couldn't do an episode with dating shit with any integrity if I didn't warn you of the dick pics. And just to also let you know that following the Online Safety Act coming into legislation earlier this year, sending a dick pic without consent is actually a crime. So if some dick send you a pic of his dick, when you haven't asked for it, in the UK, that is actually an offence so just be careful. This is one of the biggest pitfalls of dating sites in my very humble opinion. Some jerks just want to jerk off on sexting and erotic pictures, you are not free porn my love. So please, please, just watch out and protect yourself. And never give out your address or identifying details until you can be really sure of the integrity of the proposed person. It really is just unsafe. And on proposed person, you do need to be mindful of cat fishing too, which is where a really dodgy person uses fake photos and information to lure someone in it can be really dangerous out there. And I don't want to put you off, I really don't. But you have always always got to think of your safety as a first priority. I don't care how desperate you are for a date, quite frankly, or for love or whatever. Just protect yourself. And if you do progress to a physical date, whether with someone online or someone you may have met in real life, please always tell someone where you're going and preferably share your location with a trusted friend. You just never know. And also, just whilst we're on the serious stuff, we turned serious. Whilst we're on the serious stuff. In the UK, again, it's a UK centric one. But we do also have Claire's law. And that gives anyone the right to ask the police if they believe that they or someone they know is in a relationship with an individual that could be abusive towards them. So if someone has a criminal history of domestic abuse or There's been loads of police calls that call out to alleged domestic violence, you can ask the police for disclosure on that shit. Though I just want to say if that is something that you're feeling about a bloke that he may be abusive. That is a massive red flag in the first place. Why do you want to potentially be with someone who you're fundamentally unsure about your safety with and just brings me on generally to red flags and more of the things to watch out for whether dating online or in real life and when we're moving into physically meeting each other. You know, a red flag is a warning of danger and like said, if you're worried about a blokes presentation or behaviour, just be bloody careful. Keep your list of absolute no nos on you and do not be afraid to use it. Because often I think we can google a behaviour and and ask Is this a red flag. Mate if you have to google or ask if something is a red flag, then I would respectfully suggest that it probably is, and that you need to get the fuck out. And this is again why we have to be at least a little bit healed. And at least in a good place with good boundaries when we start dating because we are vulnerable, especially if we've experienced rejection on the back of a divorce. We just want to be loved, we just want to feel a man by our side. So we ignore red flags, even though it looks like a freaking circus. And we overlook that they may not be what we need at all. If there's a flaw, we think we can fly in and save them. And also when we're in that lovey dovey first bit, you know, the honeymoon stage, if you like we can be so desperate for it to work that we look for the good even if it's few and far between. It's called confirmation bias, we search out only for evidence to prove the hypothesis. We want it to be and ignore the bits we don't want to face. And another example of this is love bombing right? Where they'll literally shower you with attention affection, with gifts with words of affirmation, and we lap it up. Because we've so missed that we crave it. Please remember that love bombing is the first stage in the narcissist cycle of abuse. Once they've sucked you in and got you where they want you. Then the devaluing starts putting you down belittling you criticising you, often under the guise of It's a joke, or Yeah, I'm only joking. At first, that shit becomes very real and very toxic. If a bloke is giving you a keys to his house on date three, and wants your keys back, or if he says I love you really goddamn quickly, by the end of the first date, they need to be with you all the time and want to know where you are when you're not with them. Are they overshare every last detail of their life by the end of the first date, you know that shit is not normal. And it might be that you've come out of a trauma bonded relationship. And this is what your body senses as normal, but it is not normal. And I come back to where we started about being ready to date. And keeping in mind at the start what the non negotiables are excessive love and attention too quickly is not likely to lead to a secure and calm relationship, safe relationship. So watch out for that. 

 

43:39

And you know, just probably actually going back to that first date. And what to think about. You know, I think a lot of the anxiety around a first date is because you're thinking of the outcome. You already quite like them, however you've met, you're quite like them and you like them enough to go on a date. But then what can happen is we jump ahead, you know, from what they've told us so far, we can see ourselves in a relationship with them. So in our heads, we've introduced him to the family and the friends. And we've started to think about which of the two houses you might live in making space in your fucking wardrobe. Maybe even plan the entire poxy wedding. I don't know, you know, we jump to the outcome of the whole goddamn thing, not just the first date. So it's really important to detach from the outcome. But right now, this is just a person that so far seems to tick a few boxes and seems like a nice person and you fancy him a bit and you go for coffee or a meal or a walk whatever the first date is, you know, that is all that's all you're doing right now. That's it. The only outcome you need to think about is enjoying yourself in the time that you're with them, and staying safe. That's it. If it's a shit date, well, then you know, it's not the right person, it has nothing to do with you, it just wasn't a match after all. And if anything, is extra evidence for your what you do want and don't want lists, right, a date, what not working out, or if a message is not leading to a date in the first place is not a reflection on your worth. At any level. You know like work colleagues I think sometimes when we're working with them, they become our work besties like we tell them everything, we're really close. And then when we leave jobs and move around, we might stay in contact with some ex colleagues and they become friends. And that's nice, but there's plenty more that we don't. And that's not a reflection on you or them like you had a really good work relationship. But you might just not have clicked enough to take a work friendship into a true long term friendship. And it's kind of the same with dating, you can think you're gonna get on and you do sort of get on, but then you're don't. And that's absolutely okay. It doesn't equally mean you're going to be on your own forever. And because you tried once, it's never gonna happen. Just detach from the outcome. And please, also don't change yourself or compromise who you are. I did that shit. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that because they might want you that they'll some how do like, we lower our standards for them. No sacrifices here my love nothing. You are a goddamn prize only worthy of a winner. And don't bloody forget that. You have to remember what I said, at the start of this section. The problem happens when we fall in love with the idea of who they are or where it could go. Just enjoy it for what it is in the here. And now. So like I said, I'm no dating expert. And, you know, I'm not. But I have learned a thing or two. And I hope this can now help you if you are thinking about or even started dating and helped you to think about if you're ready, how to do it, things to watch out for. And the main thing for me, the biggest takeaway is to know your boundaries, stick to your boundaries and stay safe. Have fun, yes, mate. But stay safe and stay true to you and your wants and your needs. And still keep doing the work too. Like I said healing is a long game. And there may well be new lessons to learn in dating or new relationships. You know, have clarity on what your triggers are, and how to manage them so that you don't repeat the same old shit with the same old type of bloke. So there we are dating tips and advice for what is worth from me who's single. I'd love for you to share with me any other dating tips that might help listeners any advice that you have for those of us that do want to date after divorce? Maybe we'll think about doing a dating book in the divorce book club too. I think Paul Bronson's latest book is supposed to be really good. And wherever you are on the dating journey, just stay safe lecture over. I do truly hope that helps those of you thinking about dating, and I hope I haven't put you off too much. I know I'm a cynical old bird. But honestly, it's because I just want the best for each and every one of you because you really do deserve it. So that's it for me for this week, if you have liked the episode, please, please, please do rate and review and subscribe to the show and all the shizzle it really does help the podcast to grow and reach those who need it. And even if you've rated and reviewed before, if you do each episode, it really does help it as like, don't count. You don't have to just do once. That's what I'm trying to say. That's what I'm trying to say. But that's what I'm trying to say.So, yeah, thank you all for listening. Oh my god. It's been a long one huh 50 minutes or so. Thank you for still being here if you've lasted this long. Thank you. I will be back in your beautiful earbuds again next week. Sending you so much love from me.

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Sarah Elizabeth

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