The Divorce Chapter

EP39 From Lover to Stranger: The Mind-F**k of Cognitive Dissonance in Divorce

• Sarah Elizabeth • Episode 39

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In this episode, we dive into one of the biggest mindfucks of divorce—cognitive dissonance. If you've ever struggled to reconcile the person you married with the person you're now divorcing, this episode is for you. We explore why this psychological phenomenon occurs, how it impacts your healing process, and practical steps you can take to move forward.


Key Highlights:


🌸 What cognitive dissonance is and how it manifests in everyday life.

🌸 The unique challenges of dealing with cognitive dissonance in the context of infidelity.

🌸 Steps to rebuild your self-trust and show yourself compassion during this difficult time.

🌸 Why letting go of the need to understand your ex's actions is crucial for your healing.


Please do share the episode on Instagram if you’ve found it helpful and tag me in it

https://instagram.com/thedivorcechapter

Also, in the episode, I mentioned that in the Divorce Book Club for June, we are doing the book ‘The Art of Being Alone’ by Renuka Gavrani


Check it out here:


http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0C5L2384H/ref=nosim?tag=thedivorceb00-21


Until next time, sending you loads of love


Sarah x



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00:00

Hello, and welcome to this week's episode of the divorce chapter podcast where we turn that unexpected divorce plot twist into a new and improved happily ever after. And with that in mind, this week, I want to look at something that seems often to stop us from moving forward to this happily ever after. Or at least delays the process. And that is trying to make sense of who he turned out to be. Because so often, the man we are divorcing is not the man we married. But it's so fucking hard to understand that and work through it all, isn't it? I'll say it again, the man you're divorcing is not the man you married. And coming to terms with that is truly I think one of the hardest things in moving on because nothing makes any sense. We spend hours, days, weeks months, going over and over and over and over it. But still, it doesn't all add up with that lovely, kind, gorgeous man you fell in love with. And that's because at the root of all of it, especially when we've experienced infidelity is something that is called cognitive dissonance, which loosely translates in my brain to complete mindfuck. But essentially, cognitive dissonance is what it's called in the psychology world, when we have two sets of thoughts and beliefs that completely contradict each other, and which are then inconsistent with actions and behaviours. And what this then does is cause an extreme mental discomfort, because what you believe to be true, and what's actually happening is the polar bloody opposite. So I thought I put some life examples in to show how cognitive dissonance can play out to try and make sense of it. So say you absolutely love animals, right? But you also absolutely love eating a nice, juicy ribeye steak or a bacon double cheeseburger, you can't stand the thought of an animal being killed, it breaks your heart. But when given a choice in a steak restaurant, you convince yourself that the animal already died, right? So it's not like you physically killed the cow. Or, another example. You know, you absolutely know that sunbeds are really fucking bad for you. But then you've got a party coming up and you've put this really beauts strappy short dress. Maybe just a couple of ones won't hurt will they? You see, like that you've got two conflicting thoughts, beliefs or actions like, you know, sunbeds are bad, one thought or the opposing thought you want to look hot and tanned because brown fat is better than white fat, right? So you hate on one hand animals being slaughtered. But on the other. You love a steak. The thoughts beliefs and actions contradict each other so much. And that's what cognitive dissonance is. It's that conflict. And so what we try to do, what we tend to do as a result is to attempt to comfort the discomfort if you like. So we may feel some shame. Like we don't tell anyone we've gone on the sunbeds especially that friend whose partner has skin cancer or we can feel some guilt we'll go to the farm and see all the beautiful animals and feel so shit we might be trying to eat veggie for at least a little while until the burger calls again. Another thing we do to ease the mental discomfort is try to justify our actions and almost rationalise what we're doing. Like saying, well, the cows already died. So it's not like I killed it. Or if sunbeds were that bad, surely they'd be illegal. No? You see, these are perhaps  like lesser examples than a marriage breakdown depending on your perspective. But I use them to try and explain what cognitive dissonance is. Right? 

 

04:50

So how does this look in a marriage breakdown? And how can it play out particularly after infidelity? And I think with infidelity and cheating, particularly right, I think it's also relevant to note that the cheater, also known as the lying wanker, or the fuckwit, may also experience cognitive dissonance not that we give a shit. But just for completeness, I'll just mention it. Because they want to see themselves as a good person, they believe they're fucking amazing. Maybe, I don't know, maybe they saw their own dad cheat on their mum even, whatevs. They do entirely know and entirely understand the impact. But they also feel entitled to screw someone else. So that inconsistency can cause them discomfort too, and they may well feel some guilt or shame at the dissonance. But But what the cheaters tend to do instead is to try and rationalise their fucked up Ness with bullshit excuses, which usually looks like blame shifting on to you. It's because you let yourself go. It's because you're focused on the kids. It's because they felt so stressed and you didn't pander to them. And so when the nice barmaid threw herself at him he just needed the love that you weren't showing him et cetera, et cetera on the bullshit. So first up, just know that this is their cognitive dissonance playing out and it's zero whatsoever to do with anything you did or you didn't do. Because they can't possibly look like the bad guy can they because that doesn't fit with how they see themselves. But I don't want to waste any more time focusing on the cheating lying wankers, I was merely explaining why they might blame shift on to you and why that is all bullshit that you don't need to take on. Because, frankly, you've got enough of your own cognitive dissonance to deal with. 

 

07:05

So let's move on to that then what can it look like? So on the one hand, you remember the gorgeous guy who wooed you, you know, the way he looked at you on your wedding day, the one the one who knew you were scared of spiders and got rid of them for you even though he didn't actually even like them either. The one who cuddled you all night. Even though he was hot. The one who let you put your cold feet on him to warm up. He bought you the most gorgeous flowers every year on the anniversary of your first date. You get the picture that sweet, beautiful man to whom you said I do. Then on the other hand, we have this man who didn't give a shit about you when he was screwing some tart in a hotel room while you're at work. Who spent your family money on wooing her. Who text her on your anniversary telling her how much He loves and misses her. The one who used to be such a loving dad but now can barely be bothered to even talk about your kids let alone see them. The man who has been telling you for months that you're nuts for doubting him, has belittled you criticised you told you he doesn't love you. how just how for the love of God, how can this be the same person? It makes us question everything. It's like they've single handedly rewritten the entire history of our marriage. Did we ever really know him? And I don't know about you. But I found that, that feeling, like did I ever really know him? I found that one of the most horrific feelings that he turns everything into a goddamn lie. 

 

08:55

You know, in the divorce book club this month, I've said we're reading the book leave a cheater gain a life and the author Tracy Schorn, unpick some of the lies and bullshit excuses that the cheaters make. As well as some of the ways us chumps as she calls us. Try to justify and rationalise this crap. That's what we try and do is she says a chump is a kind hearted soul who's been played for a fool, but deceived. And you can't be conned without a con artist, right? But we don't always see that straightaway because we're so desperate for the unicorn of reconciliation. And so we end up excusing all manner of crap. We can't see him as a con artist, because it doesn't align with the husband we knew before all of this and one of the things she said actually, which has been a massive takeaway for me, but I think it's also relevant here is that when we find out about infidelity It's almost a sort of relief in some really weird way. Because for months, we've been driving ourselves nuts. His actions and behaviours suggests he's been cheating. But what we know of him, and then him telling us, we're crazy as well, it just doesn't add up with those behaviours. So we convince ourselves we're wrong. But then we still have these behaviours he's doing like, like suddenly having a new found love for taking the dog for walks for hours on end. And you suspect but he's convinced you You're nuts. And it doesn't really match with the guy that you knew, nothing adds up. So in some ways, finding out the truth means we're not nuts after all we were right. But that recognition is very quickly taken over by another form of driving ourselves nuts in other ways. By the way, we go digging in, we want more, we're looking for more, we're asking questions, we're trying to pull it apart, we want to know all the details. Because even though in some ways, it sort of makes sense. Now we know it still doesn't add up. Because we've now got this cognitive dissonance that we don't know this new version of the man we've spent years with and who we thought we knew inside out. It wouldn't have done this. He loves me doesn't he? You get the idea. 

 

11:37

And one of the other takeaways in the book leave a cheater gain a life is that when we discover infidelity, we desperately, desperately try to control the outcome, even though it's fundamentally out of our control. Which is such an interesting thought. And I've not really thought about it in this way before. Like when everything fell apart with my ex, I convinced myself ]he had been taken over by a midlife crisis. But if I could find a reason, then maybe I could make it all better, because it just didn't add up with who he was. I spent hours and hours reading up on midlife crisis desperately searching for happy endings. But because everything in my life was fucked up. I was clearly desperately trying to grasp some tiny bit hope, or just trying to take some control in an otherwise completely uncontrollable situation. Maybe that was it. Only I had no control over anything. He made the decisions he did. Regardless of me. He had complete control, whatever the impact was on me. But that also didn't align with the man I married, the man I loved. I just couldn't understand how he could have done this who even is he? And that my love is how cognitive dissonance plays out through infidelity and divorce. We have all we thought we knew about the love of our lives entangled up with an absolute bastard, who you just don't even recognise, it's a true mindfuck. 

 

13:27

And this is made worse when the relationship has ended up toxic. And we've developed these trauma bonds. And you might remember in a previous episode, I've spoken about trauma bonds. And they're essentially when we've become so attached and fallen in love with this person who then goes on to emotionally destroy us. But because we're so hooked on the original version, we're like drug addicts desperately holding on for fix of Mr. Nice Guy, even though he's the one who's bad for us. Like heroin, not that I really know because I've never done it. But initially, it's said to give such a high right. And then whilst it's gradually destroying the user in the process, so it gives the high but it's destroying the user. But by now the addict is desperately seeking out more and more heroin to try and find that original high. But it never comes. And that's basically what a trauma bond looks like in a relationship. And again, is that cognitive dissonance at play, right? So what what can we do about it? 

 

14:37

I mean, well, first up, don't ask them. Don't go asking them. How could you do this to me? Because it will either end up with them turning it round on to you. Or else they'll just mumble I dunno, I dunno. Looking to the person who broke you to be the one to fix you, just ain't the way and one of the most important things is to rebuild your trust in yourself. And I talked about this at length in Episode 21 on gaslighting so do go back and check it out. And actually gaslighting is yet another way in which they create more cognitive dissonance in us. It's utter bullshit. But that's why rebuilding our self trust is so important so that we can learn to identify where there might be disconnect in what we're thinking, and what we're seeing and believe in ourselves, again, to recognise the bullshit and re establish firm boundaries. 

 

15:50

So aside from rebuilding our trust, it's also really important to show ourselves compassion and understanding. Because none of it makes any sense. And it's so fucking unfair, because they are the ones who cause this mindfuck. Yet, they seemingly are the ones who somehow get away with it. And it makes us want to throw ourselves on the floor and scream, it's not fair, it really does. But ultimately, it's also quite freeing when you can really do the shit to heal from this. But be warned, because that process also can then become another mindfuck in itself. Because what can then happen is that in grieving our past self and our past life, it can cause conflict in knowing what we want now, because we thought that's what we wanted, then I thought he was everything I look at that fucking turns out. So showing ourselves compassion and understanding and working through this shit is absolutely essential. And learning that our worth and our value was not inextricably tied to him. That's a massive lesson. Definitely a vital one to understand. Because ultimately, it's recognising and accepting that you may never understand this version of the man that you believed to be different. And making peace with that. Rather than constantly fighting to make sense of it all and trying to decipher the mixed messages. It's a bit like trying to do two completely different puzzles at the same time. Imagine it so you've got 1000 piece puzzle, which has a beauts country scene. And then you've also got a 500 piece, double sided number with the ocean on one side and a beach on the other. And then putting all the sets of puzzle pieces together and trying to make it fit in a coherent picture. It just ain't happening. And it's here where we need to show ourselves the compassion and understanding in setting aside the puzzle pieces and recognising that there is absolutely nothing you can do that can fit those fucking pieces together. And that's not in any way a reflection of you. It's purely reflection that sometimes we can't turn the impossible into possible. Sometimes we've got no option but to let go. Let go of trying to make sense of it. Let go of trying to connect the man you married with this monster who's now in front of you. Let go of who you thought he was. Which brings us right back down to where we started and they've done it in that the man we're divorcing is not the man remarried. And I'm not saying it's easy, it takes work and it takes healing. It does. This is not any quick fix. We've spent years loving a version of them that doesn't exist anymore. And it's important to grieve that it really is But just don't get stuck there hung up on trying to make sense of all these different versions of him of the different versions of the narrative trying to make it add up. He might not have been honest with you, but now it's time to be honest with yourself. And you've got this you really have I know it doesn't always feel like it, but you have. You know I say it all the time but genuinely the complete peace. I feel now compared to that utter chaos of his lying and cheating. I wouldn't give it up for the world that peace to me is priceless. So I hope that you too can find peace When what you're seeing and experiencing doesn't add up when you're experiencing this cognitive dissonance that you recognise it for what it is. And keep going. I believe in you even if you don't quite believe in yourself yet. 

 

20:17

So I hope that's helped a little bit in unjumbling some of the mess. And and now we're nearly at the end of May now. But all the back catalogue of past books will be there in the divorce book club. So if you do want to go back and look at, leave a cheater gain a life, all the episodes are there for you. And honestly, it's such an amazing book for unpacking more of the bullshit, it really is. I might do a summary episode on it next week, actually, as well, because there really are so many takeaways in moving on after infidelity so many. And also actually over in the divorce book club, we've chosen the book for June, which is called find it the art of being alone by Renuka Garvani, it looks like a self published one. So let's big up for the self published gang whilst healing and learning together when when it says on the back. We've got a bit about Taylor Swift, which is you know, anyway, it says it's a complete myth that being alone means being lonely. Being alone, it doesn't mean you're lonely. Being alone means you are with yourself. It's ironic how we wasted our entire lives waiting for an imaginary person, while ignoring our own souls just to realise that the only person missing from your side was you. Through my book, I want to take you on the journey of being cool. With being alone. I know it's tough to be lonely. But I promise it's fun to be alone. And it's even more amazing when you use your alone time to build your dream life, achieve your goals, and fall in love with yourself, which sounds bloody good to me. So I'll leave the link in the show notes, if you want to check it out and join the book club for June. And I think that's about it for me this week. except one thing. And that's it's a bit of a weird one. But I don't know if you want life updates and shit from me. Because when I started the pod, I sort of followed the model of other podcasts that I listen to where they spend the first few minutes of an episode giving life updates or chatting shit about what they've been up to. Only I sort of then though a few episodes in that for new listeners who may not know me yet, it probably wouldn't make any sense. And they'd be like, get to the fucking point, sare. But then I wondered if you can get to know me without any sort of updates at all, and I'm waffling. But basically I was thinking that I can add some life stuff at the end. If you want that and you want to get to know me better. And those that don't want it can just switch off at the end after the because it's at the end. So I don't know, let me know if it works. And if you'd like that drop me an email sarah@thedivorcebookclub.com Because I just don't know if that's what you want. I'm not that exciting mind you but you know, let me know let me know and so, on that note, I will leave you again for now and I will be back in your beautiful earbuds next week. So I will see you then. With loads of love from me

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Sarah Elizabeth

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