The Divorce Chapter

EP40 Pet-nups and Break-ups: The Fallout of Divorce on our Furry Friends

• Sarah Elizabeth • Episode 40

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In this episode, we explore the often-overlooked topic of pets during separation and divorce. I share my personal experience with my beloved chocolate lab, Jexi, and discuss the emotional and legal challenges that pets face in the midst of marital breakdowns. We dive into the importance of pets in our lives, the concept of a "pet-nup," and practical tips for ensuring the well-being of our furry friends during such transitions. 

As always, I’d love to hear your thoughts and stories. If you have any pet-related divorce experiences, please do share them with me over on Instagram @thedivorcechapter

And a quick reminder, our Divorce Book Club is starting a new book for June, "The Art of Being Alone" by Renuka Gavrani. 

Check it out here:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0C5L2384H/ref=nosim?tag=thedivorceb00-21

Until next time, sending you loads of love

Sarah x

🌸


P.S. I’m dedicating this episode to my gorgeous Jexi. He may be gone, but he’ll never be forgotten. 🐾💕




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00:00

Hello, how are we? I hope all well. Now this week, I want to ask you, did you have a pet whilst you were married? And have you had to make arrangements for the custody of said pet? Maybe you had to lose your pet in the shitshow of the separation. I ask this because I think it's frequently the case that pets, despite being such a huge part of our family lives seem to be another thing that's caught in the forgotten fallout of a breakup. And I was thinking about this because a colleague in the day job last week, collected her new beloved puppy. So she's got an adorable, beautiful golden lab, she's utterly gorgeous. And I am beyond jealous, but I'm super happy for her because a couple of years back, she had to say goodbye to her beloved Chocolate Lab. And at the time, it made me feel all sorts of feels because I too, had a chocolate lab who I had to say goodbye to in January 21. Now, when she lost her dog, her manager had then asked me about the compassionate leave policy, because she couldn't face coming into work. But I already knew it from a time before when another colleague had taken sick leave when his cat died, and he couldn't face it. Pets don't count. Yep, pets don't count in the compassionate leave policy. But sometimes I think fuck the damn policy, like, it doesn't provide for any bloody context does it. It doesn't recognise that pets are part of our family as much as humans. This colleague that's just got a golden lab and lost the chocolate lab, she treats her dogs like babies like her dogs are her children. And I just felt like who am I to say that losing one doesn't count. I think it massively underestimates the power of animals and pets. And what they do for us as humans they are hugely significant. So I let her have the leave and I'm really happy for her and her new baby now because it's so exciting and this puppy is beautiful. 

 

02:48

But you know, you know talking about losing pets and whether they count or not and whether they are forgotten. It takes me back to my own choccy lab Jexi, J E X I, Jexi. He was he was such a beautiful soul. And he went through the divorce with us. So the background to Jexi was that my younger son was always obsessed with dogs and always wanted one as a little boy. But my ex husband was so against it even though he'd grown up with Black labs. He just didn't want us to have a dog. But then my son wanted to go to grammar school and for various reasons I was against tutors and extra help for him to get there but my ex agreed that if he got there, off his own back, he would get a dog and he got in. Of course Jexi ended up being all of ours, not just my son's and we all absolutely adored him even the ex, he was such a gentle thing. The dog, not the ex. And he just like always retained his puppy head with the softest hair which was so cute. And just everyone loves Jexi, like he turned a number of people who previously did not even like dogs until they met him. One friend had two daughters who were absolutely terrified of dogs until Jexi got to them and they've been devoted dog owners and dog lovers since. But you know for my doggy and bringing it back to pets in divorce. I guess. He became quite symbolic of everything as the relationship broke down. I mean, first off my ex husband used to take him on extra dog walks when he was finding excuses to speak to his skank so poor Jexi must have heard all sorts, but and then when we separated. After about six months, I ended up moving out of the family home as his mum lived with us there. And it just became difficult for various reasons to live there in what I called  the Museum of our marriage, but where I moved to was a rented property, and I wasn't allowed dogs. So having to leave my dog behind was honestly just devastating. It felt like I was already losing everything. And even my gorgeous Jexi, part of me at that time, I fucking hated my ex, for making me lose my Jexi on top of everything else, it felt like Jexi was the one who saw everything but was still there for us all, when it was just heartbreaking to leave him. And then sometimes he looked really sad too and it must have been so confusing. But literally every time I saw him anytime anyone went here, in he'd bound up, bring in a toy, like a gift as he did to everyone who went in the house. And then my ex husband managed to go bankrupt and lose the house. So Jexi ended up then moving and living with my mother in law, because she'd obviously had to move as well. And she adored him. And I was so lucky that I could still have a relationship with her where I could go and see him a lot. And my son used to bring him to me for visits as well. Though my house was significantly smaller than my marital home and I swear he'd like cover it in about three steps. But anyway, um, you know, when it was eventually time to say goodbye to Jexi he was nearly 16 And my mother in law called my son and I take him to the vet and fucking hell it was horrendous. But, you know, even at the end, as I was crouched by him crying, he was licking my tears away, even though he must have felt so wretched. He just always showed the love and losing him, I think was weirdly also losing the last connection to my marriage and my home like even though I'd long moved on from the divorce, it was just on a poignant I suppose that that was the last part, gone. You know, so I felt like, Please don't tell me that pets don't fucking count like the companionship they give you especially when you're feeling sad and heartbroken. It's truly like a magical healing power, it's their superpower. We know that loneliness is one of the biggest risk factors for health. It's been said over and over again. And pets just provide something more. I know of so many newly divorced women who found exactly what they needed in companionship in a pet. And I still rent and I'm not allowed to have another dog sadly yet, but when I do get to buy my own home again, you know, I might be 80 but when I do, I can promise you a dog is first on the list. 

 

08:37

And it wasn't meant to be sad, woe is me, story, it was just meant mainly just to highlight how bloody significant pets are in our lives. And how the suggestion that losing one doesn't impact you is so goddamn wrong. And also show what magical healing powers and how much I loved being a dog mummy for Jexi. And, you know, I was so sad that he was another fallout of the shitshow of my own divorce. And now in other breakups, there's been some ex couples who've split custody of the dog and where there's been co parenting of the dog and I think that's a super hard arrangement. Like it's hard enough when you've still got to see the bastard for the kids, let alone the dog. And I'm talking about dogs particularly but it isn't just dogs either I've just focused a bit on dogs as that's my main experience, although I did have a tortoise too. I could get another tortoise in rented I don't know. Anyway, anyway, pets in the fallout of divorce. I don't know it just maybe struck me thinking about my colleague getting a new puppy. Even though that wasn't a divorce related one but are they maybe forgotten about?

 

10:01

I checked out a bit about what happens to pets in the legal divorce as well though, as always, I'm not an expert, so do secure legal advice on this.

 

10:13

But apparently, it seems that the law is really clear about who owns a family pet, at least in England and Wales from what I've seen because a pet is classed as a chattel. And a chattel is an item of personal property. So, technically, the person who bought the pet and to whom it was registered is the one who gets to keep it. Unless I think from what I could read, if there's an exception to this, if there was clear evidence, I suppose that the pet was then gifted to the other person. And, you know, obviously, because pets are such a huge part of our families, the legal people say that custody of the animals is often such an area of conflict that it adds an extra load of hostility and bitterness and shit in an already high conflict, divorce, or maybe even turn a previously relatively smooth divorce into a high conflict one. And in my research for this episode, it seems that one in four divorces now involve some batshit battle over custody of a pet and seemingly as a result, the Law Society, I think this is just UK but I don't know. Wherever you are, check it out. The Law Society has recommended entering into a pet-nup. Now I've never heard of this, but by God fabulous idea. Like, I mean, I've never been quite sure actually where I sit on the whole prenup thing. Is it? Is it a good thing to do? Is it the right thing to do? I don't know. Is it like expecting that the marriage is not gonna last? I honestly don't know where I sit on the prenup thing. And of course, you've got the whole postnup thing too for couples who reconcile after infidelity, which is a whole other ballgame in itself. You know if the cheater continues to cheat, like, its not worth the paper it's written on is it but anyway? I don't know. But yes, a pet nup. It's a goddamn thing. So Blue Cross, which is an animal welfare charity in the UK. They say that four pets a week, a week, fucking week four a week are taken in due to relationship breakdowns. And they say dogs and cats are the most fought over followed by horses, rabbits and guinea pigs. Tortoises didn't make the cut. But yeah, it's such a thing and this pet nup thing that Blue Cross have teamed up with divorce lawyers to offer free pet nup document, which they say sets out the rights of ownership and covers ongoing pet care. They do add that there are some parts of the agreement that a court can't enforce. Such as who takes the dog on holiday or how the cat should be cared for. But it covers the main things like who gets to keep the pet. You learn something new every day in this world of divorce I'm telling you.

 

13:34

So what happens then when you're in the middle of a divorce shit show and you haven't got a pet nup? Well, family law partners in the UK so that if it ends up in court, a judge would have regard to these things in trying to settle disputes. So they think about who purchased the pet. If the pet was a gift, who the pet was gifted to whose name the pet was registered in, whose name was on the microchip, who has funded the pets care, like food vets insurance and stuff. Which party is financially stable to support a pet and who has the most stable home. I mean for Jexi it was pretty much me for most of them. Apart from that technically, he was a gift for my son in the first place. But anyway. So they say that where both parties have cared for and financially supported the pet jointly, the love and attention afforded to a pet may carry some weight. But ultimately the court would base its decision on a case by case basis. And they do cite some case law, which is case laws, like certain cases that have been through court that almost like set a precedent for how future cases might go. So there's s v s in 2008, which was in the England to Wales High Court number 519. And the court had regard to the wife's wish to keep her horses, they noticed that it would have been unreasonable to have awarded her sufficient means to enable her to keep up her life with horses, if the party's means had been insufficient to permit the husband comfortably from accommodating such spending, so as long as the husband's income was well, able to permit him to continue to finance it and aspects of the wife's life that had been integral to the marriage, such an award was not unfair. However, if the husband were to be made redundant, or he retired, the horses would become an unjustifiable extravagance. And the wife should plan accordingly. So basically, this wife, as I read that, I'm not a lawyer, this wife wanted to keep her horses, the husband was in a financial position to be able to support her to keep those horses but if he ended up in a financial position, he wasn't able to she wasn't he wasn't able to support the horses, then she'd have to work out to keep em herself I think that's what that means. And there's also RK versus RK with 2011, which was in the England wales high court 3910 where the wife made a claim to one of the family dogs and the judge said he did not consider it appropriate to make any order in respect of one of the dogs because on the evidence he'd heard they had been looked after principally by the husband, so the wife is obviously making the claim but all the evidence pointed to the husband actually doing the main care with the dog so it's all some big shit to think about in what happens to pets after. Like, maybe they're not quite so forgotten after all. 

 

16:56

And I think I don't know just looking at this and putting it all together I guess the main thing to think about is what's right for the pet. Not for us or the ex not for spite or revenge, you know, it's not like just take the pet because it pisses him off just purely about what's best for the pet. And you know, actually I knew for Jexi the right thing was for him to stay in the house with my mother in law like she lived there. He lived there she'd been part of his life and then when she moved she kept him with her and that was right for him like it wouldn't have been my for him to be in a tiny house and you know, with my work patterns and it wouldn't have been right for him to be with my ex either because the lifestyle that he had like it was the right thing for him to stay with my mother in law. 

 

17:48

And you know, you know, I said actually sometimes Jexi looked a bit sad when I first had to move out but it does actually seem that pets can be emotionally affected by divorce and that that is mostly dogs it seems more than any of the other animals so mostly dogs and they can suffer from depression and anxiety as well which makes me really sad. And it said that their stress can show in behavioural ways like aggression  and excessive barking or in their health, which can show up as skin rashes and hair loss and the like. Thank fuck Jexi never changed that much like he was still up to cuddle and wagged his tail endlessly which just makes me sad. When you think about the dogs feeling that too and it makes you think about like when a marriage is breaking down, like if there's arguments and I don't know door slamming and shit like the dog's living in that, like, That's fucked up in it that when you think about it. 

 

18:50

So what can we do to try and ease things for pets. And so I was thinking about like housing. So like I said, for Jexi . In our previous home where we stayed for a while with my mother in law, it was really spacious with a massive garden. Whereas when I moved to a princess cottage, it was tiny in comparison with a tiny garden and I swear he could get from the front door to the back door in about three strides. Or if you've got cats, are they going from a quiet lane to like a busy main road, for example, like what needs to be thought around housing for pets. Also, for example, in like cases where there is shared care, co parenting style with the pet, what's the impact on that pet to have gone back and forth between two homes and how can that be managed in the best interest of the pet? And I think the main thing is to try and keep to the animals routines. Like if you are going to change things up and introduce new routines or environments or whatever do it in a planned way. so that it supports them especially for cat's too and letting them out if they're not house cats like you know they need to get to know their their area and shit don't know and for dogs walking them at the same sort of times the same sort of places that I think that can help dogs know that goddamn Park and the other dogs say like the back of their paws you know. And work schedules too like is one of the pet parents got a better schedule to adapt to the care with the pet like horses don't they have like massive daily needs and requirements and like if you work away two days a week it's not good is it? It's like loads of people got dogs in the pandemic and lock the lock downs and that and then didn't quite think so much of what happens when they went back to the bloody office did they which and lots of dogs ended up in bloody shelters and stuff is shelters the right name I dunno, you know what I mean. And travel like if you travel a lot what happens to the pet when you're away so I do think like keeping to a similar schedule and trying to minimise the impact of that when you're working out the best arrangements for pet like, who has time to do the walks because I think probably who did the walks before and it's probably a pretty good sign that the will is there to continue doing the walks especially when it pisses it down in the UK, and keeping consistency with food too, I think like for Jexi for example when we got him from the breeder she'd been feeding him like this specific dry food that was basically chicken and rice and suitable for sensitive dogs and bloody expensive and all but hey he was worth it. So I just kept him on that and then I think probably because he was only on that, later on anything else you gave him literally gave him the shits. Although he did love a bit of grated cheese. He loved it cheese, like literally didn't matter where Jex was in the house or the garden the minute the cupboard opened where the cheese grater was he was there waiting waiting for a couple of bits to drop out the cheese grater bless him, but yeah, anything else pretty much gave him the shit so if he'd end up going with my ex and he gave him some other shit which he would probably have done because it would have been cheaper for him. It probably wouldn't have been pretty so yeah, definitely shit like that shit literally pays to be consistent. And another thing to consider who's paying for what because like insurance vet bills and the like fucking adds up don't it and like I did the vet bills and insurance and shit for Jex because it wasn't fair for my mother in law to do. Oh, and apparently my ex chipped in occasionally too but never to me directly. So I don't actually know because obviously he'd never give me any fucking money back would he? Well, yes, if finances are already hotly contested as mine were, chucking in a dispute about pets and then who pays for them, I think probably adds to an already shitty situ. That's all I'm saying. 

 

23:06

So I think there's probably loads to think about in the who the where the how of pets. And if you really want to go all in on this. I even found online a pet custody consultant. So there you go. And as I said, maybe pets aren't such The Forgotten Ones after all, which does fill me with so much more hope for our little furry friends or with shells, or they're mostly furry aren't they, mostly furry. And yeah, I hope that's helped if you're going through a breakup with a pet buddy or two in the mix, and do share your divorce pet stories as well tag the episode on Instagram. Show me your lovely animals to cheer me up until I can get a new puppy. Not that Jexi will ever be forgotten. I've still got his photos up everywhere when in fact, let's dedicate this episode to my gorgeous choccy baby Jexi. To Jexi my beautiful dog. So that's it. For me for pets in divorce. I think I do hope that was a useful one for you. 

 

24:13

What else did I need to say on my list? Oh, yes. June's book, over in the divorce book club that starts on the first of June which I think if you're listening to the pod on the day it comes out is tomorrow. And yeah, the book we're doing is the art of being alone by Renuka Gavrani. And as always, I'll leave a link in the show notes but it looks a good one for making being single absofuckinglutely amazing. And so looking forward to that that starts on the first of June and you can always catch up if you're a little bit late. Don't worry because all the back episodes are there for you in the kind of a storage bit that you can always go back and listen to again and again again. So that's the divorce book club and is that it? 

 

25:01

Oh, if you do want any life updates and shit for me, actually have I got any? Probably not that much actually. Apart from that I'm loving spending time with my newest granddaughter little baby granddaughter, grandchild number five, and a weird one actually connected to that, which was nice. A friend of mine said that she looks like me, which doesn't sound huge to anyone else, I get it. But as an adopted person, I didn't obviously have any blood relatives who I could compare to until I had my own children. And then I kind of always thought that my eldest looks more like his dad, and my youngest looks like his paternal granddad, who died before I met him. I think there's been a couple of people in the last few years that said, you know, there's bits of both of them in me, but genuinely, I've never really had the experience of anyone looking like me. Which is a bit weird. It sounds a bit egotistical, but it's not. It's just like having, I suppose is that belonging, isn't it? I don't know. But anyway, the mum of this new grandchild, she first said it that she thinks my youngest son is a spit of me. I don't see it, but she thinks he really looks like me. And the baby really looks like him, the baby, really looks like him. So it was actually really nice that another friend said that she can really see me in my newest granddaughter. And it's I dunno, it's funny the things that probably most birth, children, people, people that have been raised in their birth families probably never normally think about, but I don't know, I guess it's an adopted person growing up because I never looked like anybody it was it was probably a bit weird. So yeah, it was it was nice. And it's also funnily enough, probably why I've got a bit of a thing about I've got a thing about remembering times of birth as well like because until I got my adoption file a couple of years ago, and I specifically asked what time I was born to be included in that. I never actually knew what time I was born, which is a stupid little thing, but it's like a part of you that's missing, so I don't know. Anyway. So yeah, that little life update is that maybe I do actually have somebody in my life who resembles me, which is sort of nice and comforting, I suppose. So is that it? was something this book club, me, oh shit just saying book club again, I think last week Did I did I say last week that I'd do an overview of leave a cheater gain a life this week? Did I? Am I imagining that? I don't know if I did or didn't fucking hell? Well, you got pets instead. I'm just gonna make a note that to do that, the next week, and I'm like, okay, so obviously too as well. If you ever do want me to cover anything specific on the pod, do drop me a message and let me know because I'm happy to do whatever you want. Really, I'm here for you. So if you're still here, after all that waffle, thank you so much for listening. I will be back in your beautiful earbuds again next week. So until then, sending you so 

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Sarah Elizabeth

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