The Divorce Chapter

EP41 Ditching the Cheater: The Playbook from The Chump Lady

• Sarah Elizabeth • Episode 41

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In this episode of The Divorce Chapter podcast, we talk through an overview of the hugely impactful book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" by Tracy Schorn, aka Chump Lady. 

You can find the book here:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0762458968/ref=nosim?tag=thedivorceb00-21

This book was highlighted in the Divorce Book Club in May and is an utterly invaluable resource for those dealing with infidelity.

What You'll Learn:

📚 Key Terms & Concepts: Understand the language of betrayal with terms like "chumps" and "cheaters" that help frame your experience more objectively.

📚 It's Not Your Fault: Discover why being cheated on is never your fault and how to reclaim your self-worth.

📚 Cheater Tactics: Learn about the manipulative behaviors cheaters use and how to see through their deceit.

📚 Avoid Common Rookie Mistakes: Get super practical advice on avoiding common pitfalls when dealing with infidelity.

📚 Reclaim Your Life: Tips and strategies for moving forward and rebuilding your life authentically.

Tracy Schorn's no-nonsense approach and empowering messages are exactly what we need to hear as we navigate this challenging chapter of our lives. This episode is packed with insights from the book that will help you transform your heartbreak into strength and set you on the path to your new happy-ever-after.

If you found the episode useful, please do come over and join us in The Divorce Book Club. 

This month, we're reading "The Art of Being Alone" by Renuka Gavrani. It's never too late to join, and you'll have access to all our past book discussions and resources.

You can find the book here:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0C5L2384H/ref=nosim?tag=thedivorceb00-21

Until next time, sending you loads of love

Sarah x

🌸





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00:00

Hello and welcome back to the divorce chapter podcast where we turn the divorce plot twist into a happy ever after. And if you're new here, just welcome. So this week after promising a couple of weeks ago and then completely forgetting about it, (I blame the menopause), we are going to cover an overview of the book leave a cheater gain a life by Tracy Schorn, who is also known as the chump lady. And we read this book over in divorce book club in May and it was bloody brilliant, it gives so much value in getting our heads in such a better place after infidelity. Now I've questioned many times before, whether cheaters have some kind of school they go to, or some kind of textbook because they all spout the same bullshit and all do the same bastard things, all of them without fail. And Tracy Schorn clearly agrees as she introduces the book as our very own playbook, which I love. It's playbook time. So she starts off introducing some of the terms around infidelity. And starting with chump as that is what she calls those of us who've fallen victim of the lying, cheating fuckwit and she defines a chump as just a trusting soul who was played for a fool and lied to. But as she also points out, there are no chumps without con artists. And for the con artists themselves, she uses the word cheater, or fuckwit. She says that she wanted to change the language away from wayward spouse and betrayed spouse which is the most commonly used because she says firstly, we're way more than the experience of being betrayed. And secondly, not all chumps are spouses. And she also says wayward sounds like a dim witted soul who got lost and wandered into a snowbank rather than what they are - adults with agency who make choices, grownups. 

 

02:51

So with that intro in mind, she goes straight in the first chapter, talking about how cheaters are somehow often glorified, especially on TV or in books or in the film. Compelled by love, as though it's a crushing indecision torn between two lovers thwarted by the cruel forces of monogamy. All they want is to be happy. And somehow that ends up being the chump's fault for blocking their happiness. And the chump ends up being portrayed as the failure who wasn't meeting the cheaters needs. And the book repeats this concept throughout, but starts very strongly with that being cheated on is not your fault. Even if the cheater is blaming you for it. Hell, even if you're blaming yourself, being cheated on is not your fault. You do not have the power to compel someone to act. We don't make people abuse us. We can't make people abuse us. She says and I quote, Our inadequacies, real or imagined do not compel our cheaters to create dating profiles or developer hooker habits. Those choices are completely on them. 100% You're cheater had an entire decision tree of options, beginning with difficult conversations, therapy and divorce lawyers. They didn't choose these things. They made a deliberate choice to fuck other people and lie to you about it. And the book goes on to be very, very clear that infidelity is abuse. She says you can't cheat on someone without lying to them. gaslighting them. And that's without the mindfuckery of the subsequent blame shifting and minimization, that's not even starting on the huge risks to your health and your family life, right. But she says that chumps often accept responsibility for the cheating, because it gives us some control, which I've got to be honest, is a perspective that I hadn't even considered until reading this book. Like, if it's my fault, then I can fix it. So when everything else in our entire world is completely out of control, the earthquake as I call it, we desperately grab hold of anything, to try and take some control back. But the book is really clear on this, we cannot control what others think, say, or do. We can, however, control how we respond. And that starts with recognising that cheaters chose to do this. And the other takeaway from this chapter, which I bloody loved was that people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing, which is so goddamn true. I've used it before, it's so true, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. 

 

06:37

And the book then goes into rookie mistakes of the recently chumps. And by God, I wish I'd read this book at the outset of my own shit show because I definitely did a fair few of these, right. So like, running on empty, because, you know, we're so focused on piecing together affair timelines and checking out social media and checking phone bills that we forget to eat. And don't even get started on the lack of sleep, everything goes out the window, and we have nothing left to give, or mistakes like confronting the ex too soon. Or not getting your finances in order or not consulting with a lawyer. Or, like giving them time to decide, or a biggie, ending up feeling sympathy for the cheater, because don't they just know the ways to tug on the old bloody heartstrings don't they? Expect sympathy from the person that they just gutted. And the book goes on for this one to explain that disordered people have three channels of manipulation after discovery. And they use this to get to us and we, must be, with chumps we make the mistakes, we fall for it a bit, right? So there's charm, as in, I'll do anything to make this up to you. It didn't mean anything. Rage, as in screaming at you, blaming you threatening you. And then self pity, which she describes as throwing you off the scent of their misdeeds by distracting you with their pain. I got the bloody lot from my ex, I swear. But the summary of the rookie mistakes. And what she's really clear about is that we need to have solid, robust boundaries and take care of ourselves. They're the biggest takeaways, which I get is really fucking hard in the midst of the chaos. And which is why it's a great book to have on hand as guidance through those mistakes. 

 

08:59

The book then talks through finding support and safe spaces to overshare because you know, that's all we can do is think and talk about it in the early days. So where to do that safely. But also about how so many so called therapists are putting themselves out there as affair proofing marriage, which is just bullshit when you only have one half of the partnership interested in the fucking first place. And chump lady talks us through infidelity quacks who operate from she says flawed assumptions and I have to agree. Like that assumption that people cheat because of something lacking in the chump. Rather than actually that people cheat because of their entitlement and what is lacking in them. Or that you can nice people out of cheating, which doesn't maccount for that cheaters know what the rules are. They just don't think the rules apply to them. It's not about how nice we are. It's how entitled they are. And as chumps are so full of hope we arm ourselves with the infidelity books, we book the therapy appointments with the quacks, we do the fucking homework for them for the fuckwits. All whilst they continue to lie, use any therapy sessions to further manipulators and generally continue being fuckwits. And as Tracy Schorn says, You cannot save a marriage. If one person is actively not participating in the marriage. You cannot save a marriage if one person is actively not participating in the marriage. Honestly, I can't tell you how much sense this book makes. 

 

11:00

She then talks through the way that cheaters do things and she introduces three key concepts which then reverberate throughout the remainder of the book, right? And these are ego kibbles. Cake and the Pick me dance. Now, ego kibbles are another way of thinking about what shrinks called narcissistic supply. And she says that cheaters need to feed and in a bag of ego kibble food, there's flattery, attention, easy sex, infatuation, shallow attachment, fantasy and centrality. And she says this is preferential to love as that requires reciprocity and connection kibbles are easier than love and it validates them and their little egos. I think ego kibbles just sounds like dog food, which when you think about it, it is innit, treats for fucking dogs. They are utter fucking dogs anyway. And cake, or the unified theory of cake, as she calls it. Tracy Schorn writes in the book, cake eating is the preferred nirvanic state of the unrepentant cheater, where the cheater enjoys the attention of both the affair partner or partners and the spouse as in having your cake and eating it. And she says that chumps often go painful round after painful round, as the cheater commits to the marriage swears to be faithful and then is found again with the affair partner getting all the cake in from both sides and making sure they maintain that And she says that cheater stay in cake through an insidious kind of manipulation in the pick me dance. As in Pick Me Pick Me Pick Me Please choose me please. Which of course, the cheater actively encourages, because it's cake right? So this pick me dance is described as mounting a defence of the marriage and trying to hard sell the cheater on what you have together. It's eating the shit sandwich and not bringing up the affair. shoving your emotions as deeply hidden as possible so as not to upset the cheater with your distress. Or, it's making a deal believing that if you try harder to fix it and make them happy, then they won't cheat. Which can also manifest in the Super spouse pick me dance which looks like hysterical bonding sex and dressing hotter to win the cheater. Some fucking prize. She says the pick me dance is doomed to failure because it turns the marriage into a contest rather than commitment. 

 

14:05

And she goes on from this to talk through stupid shit cheaters say and how to respond likeI love you but I'm not in love with you. Or I didn't intend to hurt you. To which chump lady writes. Cheating is about as deliberate as a NATO airstrike. It takes a lot of planning and premeditation to cheat. What was unintentional was you finding out about it. Or there's you weren't meeting my needs. Or I need time to decide. Or, we could have an open marriage because monogamy is unnatural. Why did you sign up for that then you prick? Or there's I don't understand your hostility. I don't know why you're mad at me. Or the classic but I loved you all along. There's loads more loads more with utterly brilliant responses. And this chapter is worth its weight in gold, for ramming home the stupidity of these fuckwits and helping us to see through the bullshit. And she talks through then why reconciliation is a unicorn as in a mythical creature that we want to believe in, but it's rarely sighted. And the book goes through what real remorse looks like actually proper remorse in humility and honesty, and initiative and patience. And she reminds us that sorry is as sorry does, and I always love that saying, because it is so true, isn't it? Sorry is as sorry does. Or the other one I always say is that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. 

 

16:02

And the book then goes on to unpick why chumps can stay stuck. And she introduces spackle and hopium. And spackle is the miracle substance we use to cover the unsightly blemishes in our relationships, filling the gaps and creating a smoother surface pretending it's all okay. Despite not having a fucking clue who this person is anymore. We make excuses for them. It's like papering over the cracks on the wall, right? It's like the foundations fucked but let's just cover over it. Because we want to believe it. Which then leads on to hopium, which Tracy Schron says that spackle is the gateway drug to hopium. So when you can't spackle any longer, you have to hit the harder stuff. Delusional hope, or hopium is a powerful hallucinogenic that makes you see potential in the grimmest of circumstances. Which then leads her on to talking through chump fears and why we don't see through it and why we cling on and stay addicted to hopium. Because we have so many fears, don't we? And she talks through them all, about children, about financial shit about failure, or the biggie that I see a lot, scared to be alone. That's a huge one. And she talks through each of these fears at length. And she concludes that we should trust that they suck and trust that we do not suck, and we deserve better. 

 

17:43

And the book then goes on to talk through not obsessing over the affair partner and also about why No Contact is the way forward. Although she does also cover later chapter on how to manage it when you've got kids with a fuckwit, which is so useful if you've got littleys. And she then talks through the pain of questioning what was real, which is a bit like we talked about on the mindfuck cognitive dissonance episode a few weeks back, because it is the biggest mindfuck when we lose our story innit right, but the book and Tracy Schorn reframe this really well. And I'm gonna read some of this bit because it does explain it so well. She says was my cheater a fake? A con artist? Did he ever truly love me? I have no idea. I have to simply conclude that I was real. And in the end. That's the only person I control, me. I brought my A game. I committed to that marriage. I tried to work it out. I meant my vows. I don't need his story to tell my story. I'll never know all of what was going on with him. I know enough to know it's disordered and dreadful. And everything to do with him. And nothing to do with me. I wasn't living a lie. He was living a lie. Was it real? You're real. Does it matter? You matter. All we take forward from infidelity is what we learned from it. And when you survive, that makes for a damn fine story. Absofuckinglutely couldn't agree more with all she said there. Our story is our story. And what's more, we get to write the rest of the fucking story exactly as we want to. Which was the entire concept for this whole podcast which I bloody love by the way. We get to write our happily ever after now because it's in our control. So yeah, the book goes on then to talk about getting to meh, which is the liberating state of acceptance and she says When she's asked, When will the pain stop? She replies on Tuesday. I don't know which Tuesday it will be. I only know that your Tuesday is out there waiting for you. Not revenge, not forgiveness either. And she goes on to talk about forgiveness in much more depth just meh. She goes in depth too about managing family and friends. And when they say shit, like, oh, there are two sides to every story. I like you both, I just want to remain neutral. You know, if you could just work a little harder, you could save this. I'm so glad Betty would never cheat on me. We don't want to judge or the biggie most of us have got at some point. It's about time you got over this. And the book also covers people who knew about the affair and covered that shit up, as well as relationships within laws. And it covers shame and telling people too, which does also include a great section on telling your children and why it's so important not to lie to them. As she says after all, we know exactly how it feels to be lied to right? And she talks through telling children in a calm and age appropriate way that is factual. 

 

21:29

And then finally, the book ends with what we're all aiming for after infidelity, right. Gaining a life gaining a goddamn life. As she talks through loving again and trusting again and about fixing your picker and knowing our worth and not allowing the cheater to break you. That's that's the big message not allowing the cheater to break you. And she says and I'm gonna read this bit: there is a freedom in losing everything and knowing you survived. Bring it on universe I've faced worse. Rejection is your superpower. You've stared that motherfucker down and you won. So when an opportunity presents itself now, say YES. Stand up and read to the class. Reach for that promotion. Ask that nice girl out. What you think someone's gonna point and laugh at you? You think that's gonna break you? Your heart was forced in a blast furnace. You've got this. We don't get the lives we expect. But ultimately, that's okay. If you maintain your integrity you get an authentic life which is more than your cheater can say. You're gonna survive infidelity. I've every confidence in you What is there to miss exactly? Being treated like a concession prize? The disrespect? The pick me dance? The humiliation? Gain a Life. Tuesday is waiting. Tuesday's waiting, I bloody love that. 

 

23:12

So yeah, that's a very, very quick overview of the fabulous book leave a cheater, gain a life. It's impossible to do it justice for the purposes of this episode just as an overview, but in the divorce book club throughout May I recorded a full private podcast, for each chapter, I was reading through kind of the salient points and then adding my own take on things as well as bring it to life with my own stories and my own experiences my own shitshow right and getting through that and gaining my own life. And all of those episodes remain available to all divorce club members as long as they're members. So if there's something you need a reminder on, or if you're triggered by your cheater again, which often happens, believe me I can still get triggered now. In fact, I was over the recent bank holiday weekend I was watching the Ashley Madison documentary on Netflix. And I'm going to do a whole nother pod episode on that shit show because yeah, I was triggered. But anyway, as a member of the book club, if you are triggered or whenever for whatever reason you can go back and listen as much as you need as many times as you need so if you need to hear the responses to the stupid shit that cheater say you can go back and get it on repeat, or even the rookie mistakes go through them because they're a good 'un and all. So yeah, that was leave a cheater gain ar life and that was may in the book club. And for June we started our June book on the first but it's not too late to join anytime, because everything remains available to you Right. The June book is the art of being alone by Renuka Gavrani. And it's going good. So far, I've had a couple of disagreements, but you know, it's going, going all right. So you know what to do. And you know, just as if you have enjoyed hearing all about the summary of last month's book and want to join up and get all the juicy full version of leave a cheater gain a life for either for both. The links to join the divorce book club are in the show notes as always, or you can head over to patreon.com and just search for the divorce book club. So, that's all for me, I think for this week, just a bit of a quick one as an overview, and, you know, if you've enjoyed the episode, if you've enjoyed hearing about the book, and you want to share it with someone that you think would get some benefit from it, go do Share, share, share away. And until next week, when I will be back in your beautiful earbuds with more things writing our next chapter in our story, and our happy after, do take care of you. And I'm sending you so much love from me

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Sarah Elizabeth

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