The Divorce Chapter
This podcast is for you if you have found yourself unexpectedly single and absolutely shitting it.
The Divorce Chapter is all about writing the next bit of your story and remembering, this is just one chapter… it’s not the end or miserable ever after.
I am Sarah Elizabeth, and I am a divorce coach and mentor and founder of The BLOSSOM Method®, passionate about supporting and empowering women to create a much happier life post divorce. Each episode is your inspiration to explore your emotional, psychological and practical needs outside of the legal process.
I’ll be sharing stories, tips, learning and ALL the things every Friday, to help you make this chapter the best goddamn one yet and turn the divorce plot twist into a happy ending.
The Divorce Chapter
EP44 Behind Closed Wallets: Understanding and Overcoming Financial Abuse
In this episode of the Divorce Chapter podcast, I dive deep into the often overlooked and insidious issue of financial abuse.
I share my own experience of being financially controlled and manipulated by my ex-husband and discuss how financial abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of age, gender, or economic status.
You’ll hear about the various forms it can take, from controlling access to money and sabotaging employment to accumulating debt in someone else’s name.
I delve into the warning signs to watch for, the profound impact it can have on victims, and the steps you can take to protect yourself or someone you know.
Whether you’re currently experiencing financial abuse, suspect it might be happening, or simply want to be informed, this episode is packed with valuable insights and resources.
Women's Aid: Offers support services and a directory of local domestic abuse services.
Refuge: Provides emergency housing, support, and advocacy for women and children escaping domestic violence.
National Domestic Abuse Helpline: A 24-hour helpline offering confidential support and advice.
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/contact-us/
Turn2us is a national charity offering information and practical support to people facing financial insecurity.
Tune in to understand how financial abuse works, how to recognise it, and most importantly, how to protect yourself and seek help.
This episode is a must-listen for anyone wanting to learn more about this critical issue and how to safeguard against it.
PLEASE reach out if you need support 🌸
Sending you SO much love
Sarah x
🌸
P.S. For more on moving on a creating our new chapter, we have chosen July’s book over in the Divorce Book Club; it’s How to Do You by Jacqueline Hurst; you can check it out here -
http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B098GSZ11T/ref=nosim?tag=thedivorceb00-21
I’d love to see you over there 📚
We start 1 July.
Link to join below ⬇️
THE DIVORCE BOOK CLUB
https://patreon.com/thedivorcebookclub
FREE Guide to the 10 MUST read divorce books after divorce
https://thedivorcebookclub.com/free-resources/
INSTAGRAM
https://www.instagram.com/thedivorcechapter
00:00
Hello, and welcome to the divorce chapter podcast where we turn the unexpected divorce plot twist into happily ever after. And this week, we're going to talk about when we've been financially fucked over and what financial abuse looks like. So, financial abuse is a form of domestic abuse. I don't know that people always recognise it as such. But it is, it's where one partner basically controls the others access to financial resources in some way, which means it prevents the victim's ability to support themselves, it forces them to depend on the abuser financially. Now, to be clear, this type of abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of their age, their gender, their economic status, it can happen to anyone. And because of that, it's rife. And as I said, I'm not always sure it's recognised as abuse. And so I figured it would be good to look at what financial abuse looks like, how it impacts victims, and explore a few ideas and resources to help those affected. But as always, I am not an expert, I'm definitely not a financial expert. So do always get proper advice. And I'm gonna give you some resources and shit I've written down in the notes to give you at the end and they will be in the show notes as well.
02:02
So, first up, let's look at financial abuse in a bit more detail. Because it can take many different forms and look like different things. So there's like controlling access to money and bank accounts. And that might be keeping your card from you or withdrawing shit without you knowing. Or it might be withholding money or giving you an allowance you know, like a kept woman or something, or man. It could be stopping you from working or else fucking up your job for you sabotaging your employment in a deliberate act to prevent you from having your own dosh or, it may look like getting into a shit tonne of debt in your name, stealing money, property, inheritance, or more widely manipulating financial decisions to benefit the abuser. And generally, financial abuse happens alongside other forms of abuse like emotional or physical abuse, which kind of creates this fucked up web almost as a trap, which makes it really goddamn hard to escape. And when you're financially dependent on them as a result, it's super bloody hard. Now as it can be really fucking difficult to spot as well. What are the signs of financial abuse? So as an example, there's like unexplained lack of access to funds so suddenly your pin might have changed or you try to withdraw cash and it doesn't let you or you go to pay for something in the shop and your cards suddenly declined and you stand them all like faux arguing or confused I'm sure there's money in my account you know, that that feeling? Or, it might be that bills and debts are accumulating without your knowledge, which was me, tick, or being denied information about household finances which was also me or it could be having to ask for money for basic needs. Maybe they tell you you're useless with money and it's for your own good or some other bullshit they make you believe it whether it's fucking true or not right, or maybe you're forced to justify every expense you know, like there's the jokey hiding away yet another ASOS shop and denying its new,, like this, I just found it in the wardrobe you know, that kind of line. But this goes beyond that to a pint of milk, a loaf of bread, you know. And so it's so important that if you recognise any of this, any of these signs or just general nagging concern, just a little bit about whether it's in yourself or in someone else, please get some help, because this kind of abuse is so insidious. And I keep saying it's hard to spot because now, I can see, my own experience of some of this in my own marriage. Some of it not all, but at the time, I did not have a fucking clue. Not a clue. I just thought, I dunno kind of, oh, we're married right, you know, what's mine is his and vice versa, sort of thinking, you know, only now looking back it was ever so slightly fucked up. And I know now that anything like this done to me, without my consent is still cheating is still fucking cheating. Right? Just that is cheating. It's not only infidelity, only infidelity, you know what I mean? It's still cheating, and was still abuse in and of itself.
06:39
And, you know, I'll tell you a bit about my background. So early on in our marriage. Well, in our relationship, it was probably clear, he wasn't super with money. But then his mum, had often bailed him out. She bought him a brand new BMW when he was 17. And when he wrote that off, she went and got him another sports car, so he'd not really had to learn a budget, and all that kind of shit. You know? Obviously, I was only young too. And whilst I did pay my mum and dad, token, housekeeping. I'd never been exactly brilliant either, right? I liked clothes, and makeup and shit and just generally spending, you know, my dad used to tell me, money burns a hole in my pocket. Heard that one? And money doesn't grow on trees. You know, all that kind of crap. I do think is it any wonder that most of us adults need to do so much work on our money mindset with that kind of financial education. You know, just saying. Anyway, we learned about Pythagoras theorem, we didn't learn how to look after our bloody money did we. Anyway, anyway, I digress. The point is, neither of us were great with money back then. And early on, very weirdly, because it was really early on. We set up a joint savings account. Just really early on, but we kept our own existing current accounts. And that never changed. When I then got pregnant at 18, we moved into a rented place. And I was made redundant at seven months pregnant. And he wasn't earning brilliantly. I mean, we're talking maybe nine or 10 grand a year maybe. And although we're talking 1991, so the average salary was probably only about 14 or 15 grand anyway, but the rent was about 600 quid a month. And you know, it didn't leave much scope. And things were tight as fuck. And in the early days oh God, it was so hard. My mum and dad used to buy like clothes for our son and they bought our meat every week, they'd go to the butcher and get our meat every week. His mum used to buy nappies every week. And our eldest son, he used to throw up milk all the time, and we'd tried so many different things, so much so that in the end, the doctors put him on prescription soy milk, which saved us a fucking fortune. I was like oh what a good boy saving us money but you know, I joke, things were hard things were really, really hard and within about eight months, maybe we'd exhausted what little savings we'd had and we couldn't pay the rent and eat at the same time. You know, we had to do one or the other. So we ended up moving in with his mum in attempt to save some save money. And after about a year there, we managed to buy a nice little semi on a shared ownership basis. And then we had a second son and it was hard and I did all the jobs I could to work around the kids I did Ann summers I did Avon I sold indoor cricket space, which sounds a bit weird, but that's where we'd actually met. I'd taught line dancing, I'd work on the door at the local community centre in the evenings. I did a shit tonne to try and boost funds and still be a stay at home mum as such, but it still never seemed to get anywhere. And we never ever had any money. We still had those separate bank accounts. He never wanted a joint funny that innit but it was shit. And I used to walk around the house when bills came in, wondering what I could sell. I always say it's a fucking good job, eBay didn't exist back then as there's there'd be nothing left.
11:00
But I'm telling you all of this to give you kind of backgrounds and to make you maybe see why I didn't necessarily challenge things later on. But anyway, when our youngest was about four, my ex decided that the only way we were going to get anywhere and make some decent money was if he started his own business. So initially borrowed some money of his mum and bought a franchise and then went out on his own later on. And in the early days to try and support him I got a part time job at the local doctor surgery dispense the meds, but I was also a receptionist where I was a bit shit because I just gave everyone appointments. But anyway, I also did a bookkeeper course at night school so I could do his books for him. But a little while after he went out on his own, he decided he wanted to do his own books, and I guess that's where shit got real. Things started to change, I think from that point. And then after a few years financially, things looked to be getting better. They seemed to be looking up and seemed being the operative word as I never really had a clue. I every time I asked to see the books, not often at first because I was enjoying having a little bit of money for the change, you know, he'd shut me off and find an excuse. And we then moved into a new home which we had bought halves with his mum and we started fostering children and then I started doing my open university degree so you know between kids fostering studying all the shizzle, life was busy so I didn't really go digging. But again, our finances seemed again seemed to be looking up and I maybe I didn't want to challenge it. It was nice to have money after having fuck all right you know he bought a new car we started to go on amazing holidays like went to the Maldives went to Dubai, our home was gorgeous. our lifestyle got good. And I didn't really have time to think about it or ask too many questions. Maybe I didn't want to know maybe I didn't want to know who knows. And then my parents died two years apart closely followed my my grandad and I got an inheritance. And we took the kids to Disneyland Florida I got a brace for my teeth that always wanted to get my teeth done. Then a fair chunk went on building an extension on the house with a beautiful new kitchen. It was the kitchen of dreams. I fucking loved that kitchen and my mum and dad loved cooking so it was all very fitting for their inheritance.
14:06
And then the bailiffs turned up first up for a VAT bill that he had apparently not paid. To which I gave him 10s of 1000s of pounds to bail him out for my inheritance. Then a few months later, another load of bailiffs turned up for unpaid tax, which I bailed him out again, again to the tune of 10s of 1000s. So much so my remaining inheritance basically went on bailing him out of tax debt. So my parents worked their entire lives for him to fuck it. Yes. Anyway. So by now because of the balance, I now started to up my requests to see the accounts and shit all right. And I'd often use the example, I think I might have said this before, but I'd often use the example of like going shopping for a new dress, right? He'd say, Buy whatever you want love. Yeah, buy whatever you want. But I didn't know whether I was going bargain basement in Primark or a day trip to Selfridges to buy fucking Versace, I didn't have a clue what financial situation we were in. And every time I started to dig, it ended in a row with him having a go at me for not trusting him for not believing in him. I was in the wrong, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I said a couple of weeks ago in the Ashley Madison episode that I then started to get credit card statements in my name that I knew fuck all about. But for all of this, all of this, even with the fucking bailiffs he was splashing the cash like he was loaded and still stopping me from accessing anything to do with so called marital money. And I even said with you know, I'd given him so much of my inheritance to bail him out. I was basically an investor in his goddamn business because if nothing else, I had a right but nothing, nothing. I didn't have access to the mortgage account. The bank accounts nada, nada. So my wages went into my account my current account. And that's basically all I knew for certain what was coming in. And to be fair, he never fucking touched that. But the rest of it I was prevented repeatedly from having any access, even when a lot of it was in my name. You know, for my 40th birthday a few months before we split up, he bought me a Chanel watch. Except after we split up, I realised that this was on a credit card in my name, so I basically bought it myself. And then, you know, after the shitshow of the breakup, just as it was all started into come out about the affairs. Bailiffs brought a letter to the house. And I just knew he'd done it again. I mean, now I do question whether all the money I originally gave him, even did pay the tax debts, but I'll never know that I never know that the bailiffs stopped coming, so I'll never not I'll never know. I mean, let's face it, the only person who can really tell me can't tell the truth to save his goddamn life. So you know, so back then, this letter came for the bailiffs. I called him up, I lost my shit And he spun me some line that it was air quotes, only 50 grand only, only only 50 grand, then later that increased to 100 grand and later still,
18:05
Oh well actually in between that as the divorce was going through well trying to go through on my part, I made the decision to move out of the Museum of our marriage. And it was then another 18 months after that before the divorce went through, and he went bankrupt. And the house was sold to go into the bankruptcy. And as the house was being sold, it was actually the estate agent who told me that he had signed an IVP, which is a Individual Voluntary Arrangement agreement to pay debts to creditors, right. I didn't have a clue, even though I was still his legal wife, not a clue. And by then, because he didn't stick to said IVA he was subsequently made bankrupt for nearly half a million. With a quarter million of that being to tax it wasn't 50 grand. It wasn't 100 grand. It was 500 grand. Hence, I'm not sure what the fuck happened with that money I originally gave him. But the house was sold and went into the bankruptcy which was then when I found out he'd not bothered paying the mortgage in the time since I'd left which Yes, I know technically was as much my responsibility as it was still jointly in my name and all that. But I'd even less access to shit after we split than I did when we were together. So not only had I lost everything, including my mum and dad's kitchen. My credit was then fucked for seven years because of the mortgage non payment. Plus of course I had the credit cards in my name with his shit that I still had to pay for from the little that I did have. And because the divorce had taken so goddamn long, because he had not responded to anything. It cost A fortune to keep chasing him. So the divorce costs went up and up and up and up. And despite that, the judge ordered him to pay the costs because of that. He of course didn't. And so I had to pay that as well, which did then mean that I could claim in his bankruptcy and become a creditor, which was how I eventually managed to see all what he actually owed, as opposed to his bullshit version of accounts, literally. And because my claim was so tiny in comparison to everyone else, at the end of the first year, I got a dividend cheque for 27 pounds. And 27 pence, I didn't even fucking cash it, what an insult. But anyway, I went off there on a complete tangent. So that was quite therapeutic, getting all of that out. You think, you'd think right that after all of that, any decent person who is now financially sorted, the last time I saw him, he was driving a fucking Tesla. But anyway, you'd think a decent person would say, Sare, I fucked you over. And I'll never be able to pay you back everything I owe you. But here's a little bit every month until the day I die to try and pay you back. Show you how sorry, I am for screwing your parents over as well as you. I know, I know. I'm delulu. I'm delulu. I know it will never happen. But you know, I guess it all shows him up to be the lying cheating wanker we all know he is right? But yeah, I went off on a complete tangent there to tell you my very long experience that was 23 years crammed into about 10 minutes, purely, because it shows how insidious this financial shit can become, how much it creeps up on you. But how much it can destroy you the damage it does, it has such a huge impact in so many ways.
18:45
Like economic instability, right? No idea where the next fucking penny is coming from. That's an impact. I was lucky in a lot of ways as I was able to make enough money to support myself in my job. But it's still hard, you know, we'd made this agreement, I would be a stay at home mum for so many years, and the business was supposed to be our fucking pension. You know, I'm still renting as although mortgage wise, I'd be okay, I haven't got a deposit. Because you know, my whole salary, it's just me paying for the lot. So, you know, my pension will be impacted. I'm nearly 52 I don't own a home. You know, it's still not great. And I'm one of the lucky ones because I had subsequently got my career, but there's so many others who've continued to stay at home for a long time. And they're fucked, it's shit. So economic instability, there's not often a short term solution to that one right. Or other damage it can cause, like there's loss of financial independence too. And like I've said, I was pretty lucky in having my own career to fall back on. But had this come out earlier like when I was still doing my degree or even my masters, I might have been even more fucked than I was. And as I said, as many of you listening who've continued to stay at home and made a joint decision with him, that he'd be the breadwinner. And this shit leaves you completely dependent on a person who's already shown you that they cannot be trusted. Or worse, they've got you so trapped, you can't even leave the bastard. Like me there might well be damage to credit scores and just genuinely your financial reputation. And that's all without the psychological and emotional stress. This all causes It's horrific. But that lying and cheating was so exciting, wasn't it, so worth causing this level of damage to the person you once claimed to have loved? Often the mother of your children great role modelling as well, you know, Definitely still have some legacy of anger from the financial shit over here. But yeah, the damage is huge. The impact is huge.
23:00
So what can you do if you're experiencing financial abuse, if you can spot the signs or if you can see it in someone else? If you're feeling the impact and the damage it's caused? Well, firstly, please, please, please reach out for help. There's so many organisations that can provide support and guidance for all abuse, including financial abuse you've got like women's aid, they offer support services and a directory of local domestic abuse services. You've got refuge, which provides emergency housing and support and advocacy for women and children escaping domestic abuse. You've got the National Domestic Abuse helpline, which is a 24 hour helpline offering confidential support and advice. And I'll leave the links for these in the show notes as well, obvs they're UK based. But please check your own country, wherever you live. And try as much as you can to document the abuse. And I know believe me, I remember how bloody hard that is to do when Great Lengths have been gone to, to prevent you accessing the information you need. But please don't do as I did for so long and trust that you husband has your back. financial abuse is abuse, it's all without your consent, and someone who goes to those lengths to go behind your back just cannot be trusted. So document what you can keep records of everything you can financial transactions, communications about money, get it in writing, any incidents of abuse, get it all documented. Remember what legally Nik said in last week's episode it's all about the evidence, evidence evidence. And if you can try and get some legal advice, there are laws in place to protect victims of domestic abuse, including financial abuse. And legal advisors will be able to help you understand your rights and your options. And if you don't know where to start, start with Citizens Advice because they offer free advice on legal shit, financial shit, all other all other shit, right? So Citizens Advice. And also plan as much as you can for safety, if possible, if it is possible, safely to do so. Open a separate bank account, secure the important documents if you can. But make a safety plan for leaving the abusive situation as well
27:13
make it safe. You know, when I started my current day job a few years back, a very happily married colleague told me about her escape fund. She said that she loved her husband fairly much. But she needed to know that she was safe financially. And he earns extremely well she has an amazing lifestyle where actually she doesn't need to work at all. But she's basically squirrelled away, I think well over 100 grand over the years it fascinated me, because I'd never even heard of an escape fund until then. And another friend of mine, she went through a bit of a crisis when she found out her partner of many years not married, was texting other women. And from her perspective, she's like, it's so hard. She's like, I'm over 50 had nothing in her own name. So how on earth was she going to be able to manage? So she decided to stay and start building this escape fund. And you know, she's, she's building that shit up. And honestly, it blew my mind because I'd never even considered even knew about, let alone considered an escape fund. But by God, would I be in a better position had I done it right. So if you're in this position, then do what the hell you need to do in order to plan your way out safely. Right. And also, if you do need it, access financial assistance, there's lots of grants and benefits available to help victims of domestic abuse. And if you haven't already got the gist financial abuse is domestic abuse. So organisations like turn to us can provide information on financial support, and help people access welfare benefits, charitable grants and support services in the likes. I've looked it all up and I'll put the link in the show notes. Again, UK based on these I'm really sorry to anyone listening in other countries, but do check what's available to you locally, too.
29:24
And that my loves is probably about the extent of help I can offer in the medium of a podcast, when I'm no financial expert, as you have heard. I'm definitely no expert. Although I do have lived experiences as they say and all that. Sorry. I went on a bit there but it was quite therapeutic so thank you for listening. But and I know I'm sort of digressing now, I know it's been a bit of a heavy, serious episode. But that's because financial abuse is a heavy, serious issue, but there is hope, and there is help available. So if you or someone you know is experiencing this, if you spot any of the signs, even if you're just thinking, oh there's a couple of red flags there. Oh I hadn't really thought about that, please, please, please reach out to these resources I've mentioned today. And remember, you're not alone there are people and organisations ready to support you. Okay. So I do, really, I really truly hope that has been a bit of help today. Please do as always write a review of the episode if it has been of some service to you as it helps others who may be in the same boat and also need a bit of help steering it or rowing it or whatever, you know, oh, I'm for extra help in that old boat, rowing whatever. We've chosen July's book over in the divorce book club. That's some segue, huh? It's how to do you by Jacqueline Hurst who I just bloody love. She's one of the UK's leading life coaches. And I've followed her for a few years. And she talks so much sense. And the book is a practical guide to understanding ourselves and making positive changes in our lives. That is really delivered in a friendly, approachable, you can do it kind of way. Like a hype girl for those of us ready to start creating our best goddamn lives after divorce, you know, so do get yourself over there ready to start on the first of July. Just go to patreon.com forward slash the divorce book club, or else the links as always are in the show notes. So that I think is all from me. Thank you so much for listening to my therapy session this week. And thank you as always for listening to the divorce chapter pod. I honestly cannot tell you just how grateful I am. So thank you. I will be back in your beautiful earbuds again next week. So until then, sending you so much love from me.
