EP47 When Independence Goes Too Far: Tackling Hyper-Independence

In this episode, we take a look at hyper-independence, a common but often overlooked issue that many of us face after going through a divorce. 

It maybe starts as a new found independence and autonomy after breaking free from a co-dependent toxic relationship…. But soon ends up going to the other extreme where we refuse to ask for help, and become SO self-reliant…. To the point it can just get too overwhelming.

If you’ve ever found yourself feeling like you need to handle EVERYTHING on your own, this episode is for you.

What to Expect in This Episode:

• Understanding Hyper-Independence: What is hyper-independence and how does it differ from healthy self-reliance?
• I share my own journey from codependency to hyper-independence and some of the lessons I’ve learned along the way in getting back to healthy independence.
• Learn actionable strategies to strike a balance of healthy independence.

Divorce can be a challenging journey, but you really don’t have to navigate it alone. 

This episode is packed with insights and advice to help you find your path to healthy independence and emotional well-being.

I hope you enjoy it 🌸

(and if you do love it then please please please could you rate and review the episode too 💕)

Sending you SO much love

Sarah x

🌸

P.S. For more on moving on a creating our new chapter, we have chosen August’s book over in the Divorce Book Club; 

It’s Not You: How to Identify and Heal from Narcissistic People by Dr Ramani Durvasula. Dr Ramani is an expert in narcissistic abuse (including non-intimate relationships like a parent or your boss!) 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1785045024/ref=nosim?tag=thedivorceb00-21

I’d love to see you over there 📚

We start 1 August

Link to join below ⬇️

THE DIVORCE BOOK CLUB
 
https://patreon.com/thedivorcebookclub

FREE Guide to the 10 MUST read divorce books after divorce

https://thedivorcebookclub.com/free-resources/

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Chapters

• 0:00 From Co-dependency to Hyper Independence (Princess extremes!)
• 6:02 What does Hyper Independence look like?
• 10:27 A way of reclaiming control?
• 13:23 the Downside of Hyper Independence
• 18:02 What is Healthy Independence?
• 21:05 Practical Steps to Healthy Independence
• 26:10 Letting the Guard down
• 28:01 Pat ourselves on the back
• 29:47 It's Not You

Transcript

00:00

Hola and welcome to the divorce chapter podcast where we turn that unexpected divorce plot twist into happy ever after. And this week after looking at codependency, a couple of episodes back, I thought we'd look at the other end of the dependency spectrum if you like, and think about hyper independence, when we might be considered too independent, because we all know right that the divorce shit show can be a complete and utter life changer. Like it doesn't just air quotes just change our relationship status, it rocks our whole fucking identity, which includes how we relate to others. And also often, as we talked about a couple of episodes ago, as a result of a self love deficit. We can find ourselves in unhealthy codependent relationships. But equally, once we're out of those toxic places, the balance can then sometimes shift to the other extreme where we can't we just cannot depend on anyone else at all, we have to do every single fucking thing ourselves. Ringing any bells?! Which is why today, I want to look a bit more into this other end of the dependency scale and why we struggle to let anyone support us. And whether finding a balance of healthy independence is as straightforward as it seems. 

01:58

So as you might have worked out by now, hyper-independence is when someone's need to be independent goes to an unhealthy extreme. Someone who is hyper independent will avoid asking for help or support even when they really fucking need it. Like they'll avoid it like the friggin plague. Now I know for me when in my marriage, I was hugely codependent, massively. My self worth was non existent, and I placed my entire value on how my ex was towards me, but also practically too, I've joked before that Sarah means Princess and I may have been a bit of a princess as well, you know. In fact, one of my besties commented a little while after my divorce, that she'd been really worried when I was first on my own because she didn't know how I'd cope. Now this friend had been mostly single as a mum of three for many, many years. And probably at that stage was hyper independent herself. And she says how me and another close friend of hers, we'd both been a bit princessy and both been through divorces after 20 plus years of marriage. And she'd noticed then, how both of us divorcees apparently had an air about us that made other people want to care for us, help us. And she thought she didn't have that. That's what the discussion was. back then. It was based on her dating and not letting anyone in like she felt she didn't have the air. The irony being is she is now very happily married. And me on the other hand, shifted into full on hyper independence mode over 'ere. So you know, I hate asking people for shit. Although saying that there are some things I don't mind asking for, like gardening, I fucking hate gardening. When I lived at Princess cottage, my old house. My friend Barbara was a neighbour and she did all my pots. She watered them every day she fed him every fortnight they looked bloody amazing. Everyone talked about my bloody pots. And recently, despite me now living half hour 45 minutes away from there, she still came and did me summer pots and weeding which I'm super grateful for. Massive shout out to Barbara she does listen to the pod as well. But yeah, I don't mind asking for that. But anything else. Fuck that. I just ended up doing it all myself or paying someone because I'd rather pay someone than ask for help. Which is weird probably shows I'm ever so slightly hyper independent after all.

05:00

Anyway, so what does hyper independence look like? Well, it can look a bit different for different people. But the main ways it kind of shows up is like, over achieving that hyper independent people are likely to over commit to work or to projects or whatever it is, always striving for more and more and more, even if it's fucking killing them in the process. And most likely, there'll be a perfectionist streak in there as well, because nobody else can do the job quite like them. But not in a big headed kind of way. Not not nobody else can do the job like me, not in a big heavy kind of way more in like, Oh God, no one else can do it, like more like an internal fear that everybody thinks that they can't do it so that someone else has to take over, you know what I mean? Nobody else can do the job. But I have to do the job that kind of almost like an impostor syndrome type of mindset. So they have to do it all and be better to try and prove it to themselves if nothing else, it but another form of lack of self worth in and of itself, you know. And another way hyper independence can show up linked to that overachieving is absolutely refusing to ask for help, or support, and never delegating jobs to anyone else. Heaven forbid, even if you get completely overwhelmed, I will do this myself. I know in the past, if there's been something new I've needed to do, especially in the house, like those traditional blue jobs, rather than someone who may be much better placed  than me, I'll either leave it altogether, or I'll spend hours trying to work out how to do it, and then probably botch it anyway. Like, it's taking empowerment over the edge and smothering it. And also, because hyper independent people struggle so much with this delegating or asking for help and support when they need it, they will sometimes then take on way more than they can handle, which can then lead to even more stress, which then fuels the need to do more, be more, be better, be even fucking more so that they can show everyone that they can do it all, even if it means collapsing in exhaustion. And hyper independent people are so guarded, in relationships too, even with friends and family they want let their walls down if they can help that. I know before it's been said that I use makeup, a bit like a mask as though I don't let anyone see the real me. But this guarded place also can mean that those who are hyper independent, can be reluctant to share too much personal information, you know, in case it might be used against us or something. And because they are then unable to open up to other people, it can be really difficult for hyper independent people to form and maintain friendships as well as intimate relationships. And it's important to note that hyper independence can also be a trauma response, which for those of us who have experienced betrayal, trauma from infidelity will more than likely totally resonate with that. Because it means that there's often a significant mistrust of others, generally, because we're fucking terrified of further betrayal, which then impedes relationships even more. We won't let anybody in we do everything ourselves, overdoing it trying to overachieve, and we can't possibly trust anyone to show any vulnerability, can we because we wouldn't want to be seen as needy or anything. Don't show any weakness. So that that wrapped up pretty much sums up hyper independence.

09:27

And after divorce, it's so common to experience this drastic shift from codependency to hyper independence, where codependency often involves that excessive emotional or psychological reliance on someone. Hyper independence on the contrast is characterized by the intense need to rely solely on oneself. From putting all of our self needs onto another person to not possibly letting anyone near our self. And as I said, hyper independence can be a trauma response, a defense mechanism, a way to avoid the vulnerability and more importantly, the potential hurt that comes with relying on others. If we don't let anyone in, well, then they can't let us down, can they? They can't possibly hurt us. If we stay dependent only upon ourselves. It's a way to avoid the fear of repeating past mistakes, God, what If I let someone help me? And they think I'm needy? Oh. It's like a desire to reclaim control over our lives, especially when we've been betrayed. And our entire lives have been destroyed by lies, where we've got zero control over anything that's happening. Well this way. At least we get some control back Yeah. Is that why hyper independence can feel so appealing? I don't know. Because initially, at least it does provide that sense of control and empowerment. And after the divorce shitshow, proving to ourselves that we don't need anyone, I guess can be a way of reclaiming our strength and finding autonomy, like newfound independence can really boost our self esteem and help us rebuild our lives on our own terms. Like what became my mantra, I get to do what I want, when I want and how I want, which I do bloody love. But we'll kind of skip that bit because I'm supposed to be addressing hyper independence, not promoting it. But the point being, I suppose, is that whilst it's completely understandable, after a fucked up divorce, hyper independence can also bring with it other new challenges. But it's got its downsides. Apparently, I think this episode might be one that I need as much as any listener. 

12:20

But anyway, so one issue with hyper independence can be isolation. By refusing to rely on others, we can push away friends, family, and even potential new partners. And that can lead to feeling alone, even though we know that being alone doesn't have to equal lonely, but it leaves us alone with a lack of emotional support. And we do benefit from a support squad around us through divorce. Right? It's finding that balance, I guess, but humans are social creatures after all that plus doing everything on our own, as well as it been isolating it can be exhausting. A bit impractical. And oh, like I've said, the amount of jobs I've botched because I point bloody blank refused to ask anyone for help. Which ends up meaning I have to ask for help, because I've botched it, which is a double whammy of not over achieving perfection not over achieving perfection and being bloody vulnerable. It's that triple whammy. I'm sure you've been there too, reassure me it's not just me! Like, but if you have to try and handle every aspect of parenting, all the household shit and be a career boss bitch or whatever, without any support. It's pretty bloody overwhelming and stressful now. I mean, that's just like the practical stuff, but also the emotional burden of never sharing your feelings or your struggles with anyone. The weight of this shit can be a fucking lot. And you know, I've also been seen a lot lately about masculine and feminine energy. And no that's not what a man has versus what a woman is. We all have levels of both. But masculine energy is all about the doing, the achieving the goals, the action, whereas feminine energy is more about the flow, the creativity, patience, calm the empathy. And I'm sure you can all picture a bloke you know that that's an alpha male with zero feminine energy versus another guy who's in touch with his feminine side as the saying goes, and hyper independence in women is 100% channeling masculine energy, like alpha female, the feminine In energy after the divorce shitshow and you find yourself on your own kind of seems to be all out. Like we might have had an abundance of feminine energy in our marriage but find ourselves out in our lonesome fighting for survival, the big gun masculine energy takes over. A Like I've said the shift from codependency to hyper independence can be wild. In a codependent relationship, we've often lost ourselves, placing our partner's needs and opinions over our own, our sense of self worth became intertwined with a relationship and making us feel incomplete without that other person. And then after a divorce, the pendulum kind of swings dramatically in the opposite direction. And the fear of falling back into a codependent relationship can drive us to hyper independence, like we think to ourselves. I'm never letting no fucker do that to me again. Or I'm never letting anyone get close to me again, in case I get hurt, like that mindset can be even more intense. If the divorce was because of betrayal or significant emotional pain over and above a normal average divorce I was gonna say normal average divorce is there even a normal average divorce but you know what I mean. But that extreme shift just isn't sustainable either. And I think that's the first thing we probably need to recognise is that neither extreme is healthy. And moving from codependency to hyper independence may be a necessary part of the healing process, a rite of passage, if you like at the start a survival mechanism. But it can't be the end goal, the aim has got to be to find a balanced, healthy form of independence, the balance of masculine and feminine energy as well, I guess. 

17:01

So what does healthy independence look like? It's the middle ground between codependency and hyper independence, like imagine a set of scales, codependency tips, one end, hyper independence, the other and healthy independence, just that nice bit in the middle. Healthy independence involves having the confidence to stand on our own in our goddamn power, whilst also valuing and asking for support when we need it. And that kind of balance is good for our emotional well being, it's good for healing, it's all round good. It allows us to maintain our autonomy and our self respect, but also allows for meaningful connections with other people. It's like knowing that asking for help, doesn't diminish our strength, they could actually enhance it. So achieving healthy independence means self sufficiency, and being able to manage your own needs and responsibilities with interdependence, and recognizing the importance of mutual support in relationships. Plus, managing your emotions without relying entirely on others for validation, all of that, along with setting and respecting boundaries to maintain healthy relationships. So how do we do that? What are some practical steps, tapping into that masculine energy in a hyper independent state? We're currently in practical action, doo doo doo. This is actually you know what I'm saying this. This is reminding me of one of those coloured things exercise colour exercises, what they called, I've done it in the day job on training like a personality test type things. Think based on Carl Jung, like reds are fiery action takers who are results driven. And is it green that value lead and empathetic and yellows, social social butterflies, and I think blues are I know blues analytical. Anyway, that just sprung to mind because the first time I did it, I was yellow red. But the last time I did it, I was straight red. And I wonder now I guess that's my hyper independence coming out a bit in the workplace, but I think I need to find myself some green energy. So I'm with you on this. What do we do? I definitely need to practice what I preach. So let's have a look at a few practical steps that we can take to achieve Healthy independence.

20:03

So first up, have some self awareness and reflection around why you might feel the need to be so self reliant. Are you avoiding potential pain? Are you scared of getting hurt? Again, no judgment its purely understanding the motivation around this extreme level of hyper independence, and also asking whether there is something in your thinking around what it costs you to let people in, or the cost of not asking for help. Like we've said, the cost to mental health, from that emotional detachment and isolation, the cost to our physical health, from the stress and the risk of burnout of doing every goddamn thing. When we're struggling to ask people for help or support, I guess, it's weighing up the potential cost to us of asking, versus the cost of not asking, like, we might feel a bit needy, perhaps. But when we weigh it up, oh, what's worse? I think often we have to choose our hard. Is it harder to be thought of as a bit needy? Or is it harder to end up in a burnout full of depression? And even then, whilst we think the person we ask will think we're needy, in reality, they probably aren't thinking we're needy at all. It's only our thoughts that are thinking that, which are not necessarily true. And that's a big focus, actually, of this month's book in the book club. How to Do you where the author, Jacqueline Hurst goes, goes deep into that. Thoughts are just a mental construct. They're not facts. And do you know what, even if the person you asked, did think that your needy as fuck? Still, what's worse? Anyway, I take a bet they're just happy to be asked, aren't they? Like, if someone asks you for help? Do you think oh piss off you needy fucker? Or are you more than happy to help? Just something to think about, I guess.

22:30

And then when we can bring ourselves to ask for help. It's starting small. Ask for the odd little thing that maybe has no consequences either way, because ultimately, it's about building trust, right. And normalising that asking for support is not a sign of weakness. It's a start, I don't know, with reconnecting with friends and family that you do trust as a starting point, maybe I get its hard. And I get that trusting others, especially after we've been betrayed is super fucking hard. But building or rebuilding trust in others, is pretty crucial for getting into healthy independence. It's about that mutuality of the relationship. It's give and take, not just taking, not just giving, give and take. And so if we start small, those tiny things that we might have to take, they start to add up and it strengthens our relationships with others when we're giving back. And also perhaps it reduces our fear of vulnerability maybe, like if we ask for support and the world doesn't end. Maybe we get to say that it's not that bad after all. Because as hard as it is to hear and believe me, I'm here with you on this. We do need to learn to have a bit of vulnerability about us if we're ever going to have deeper relationships, and truer relationships as well, right? Because if like my makeup mask, people only ever get to say surface you, the outside hardshell is a way then doing is perpetuating the shitty limiting beliefs about ourselves anyway. So I think there probably is something around being emotionally available and starting to let the old guard down a bit at times. 

24:32

And we also probably, in a weird way, being more emotionally available and showing some vulnerability. Doesn't that kind of also allow us the opportunity to test our boundaries? Maybe we've never had boundaries before. Let's be honest, and codependency we probably had zero boundaries because we were all Love me Love me Love me Love me, I'll do anything. And now we've gone so far the other way we've guarded ourselves with a, an imaginary 100 foot wall. But if we're doing the work to move away from codependency by setting new boundaries with doing that anyway, how will we ever really know how bloody good boundaries are if we never test them? Does that make sense? So by being a bit vulnerable, and letting someone in just a tiny bit, we can get a sense of when any boundary might be been stretched or crossed. And then we'll be aware to find that shut up. No. Because healthy independence does involve knowing your limits, right, knowing that it's okay to say no, and it's okay to prioritise your well being. So ways we might be able to practice setting some boundaries in small ways, like saying no to invitations, when you need bloody rest, you're too knackered, but otherwise accept it. If you do feel you will know. Or not over committing at work, and being able to say, enough is enough. And by doing that, it helps us create this more balanced approach to independence.

26:21

And there is a need to let go of some of the perfectionism too as well, like, what's the absolute worst thing that could happen? If you ask someone for help or delegated a job? Ask yourself whether done to a good enough standard is all that's actually bloody needed. And I know I totally get that's so easy to say and much harder to do. I'm a recovering perfectionist over here with frequent falls off the wagon, so I get it. Or is it that you do think people will think you're needy, which then comes back to that thought loop again and allowing yourself be vulnerable. Because this shit is hard. Because we should be celebrating our goddamn best, bad ourselves. Celebrate small wins. Because honestly, every single tiny step towards healthy independence has got to be worth celebrating. Whether it's asking a friend for help or setting a boundary, acknowledge it, say well done to yourself, give yourself a pat on the back, because these small little victories build confidence and momentum. But to be more independent should not be about never needing anyone. It's more about knowing when and how to seek support, whilst maintaining our sense of self. Because life's challenges have got to be easier to face with that balanced approach to independence as well. And balancing that masculine and feminine energy to I guess. But also be kind to yourself along the way. Please know that asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. 

28:08

I hope that's helped. I think it's kinda helped me. I'll have to listen back to this episode as a listener, you know, maybe I need to leave myself a review and all. And on that note, please, please, please. If you have enjoyed the episode, could you do your girl a solid and rate and review it on Apple or wherever you listen? It honestly helps me reach more people who might benefit from some of my waffle a little bit. But thank you, that would be amazing, if you could, and thank you as always for listening. It means the world to me. So thank you. And so I think that is all. Have I got a life update? I don't actually know that I do. You know, most of my very limited gossip. My life is very limited in gossip. But I give most of that over in the divorce book club. So do head over there if you have FOMO. And we've chosen next month book now as well. It's super exciting. It's called it's not you by Dr. RAMANI Durvasula. We've come from How To Do you to it's not you. But honestly this looks another cracker. Dr. Ramani is an expert on narcissistic abuse. And the book blurb on the back tells us that we'll learn to spot the telltale signs of a narcissist. Confront toxic cycles, protect your energy, create realistic boundaries, and reclaim and embrace your true self. So if that sounds a bit of you a bit of what you need in your life, head on over all the links are in the show notes, which is the bit underneath the podcast picture where you listen to the episode if you wasn't sure what the show notes are. Seriously, it's a tenner a month that's got to be the best first investment you can possibly make to truly turn the divorce chapter into the best goddamn one yet no? You don't even have to buy the bloody book if you don't want to. You just have to listen a couple of times a week and you get my shit as well. What an offer. I do hope to see you over there though because it truly to me feels like the best investment we could make into turning that divorce plot twist into happily ever after which is what we want. Right. So that is it for me. I will be back in your beautiful es again next week. So I will see you then. With loads of