EP48 Happily Ever After: Divorce to ‘I Do’ for Marriage 2.0?

In this episode of The Divorce Chapter, I look at finding "happily ever after" after divorce, particularly focusing on the potential for new relationships and maybe even saying ‘I do’ again. 

Inspired by my goddaughter's wedding today, I reflect on the value of love and commitment, even after the heartbreak of a failed marriage. My marriage broke down because my ex-husband didn’t value marriage as I did, not because marriage itself is screwed as a concept.

In this episode, I share some personal anecdotes, practical advice, and uplifting insights to help you think about navigating the world of new relationships post-divorce.

Here’s a sneak peek of what we cover:

- The importance of taking time to heal

- Rediscovering and loving yourself first

- Setting boundaries and knowing your worth

- The necessity of vulnerability in building new relationships

- Practical steps to move forward with an open heart

“Every relationship is unique, and just because one marriage didn’t work out doesn’t mean the concept of marriage is flawed.”     

I honestly believe that our past doesn’t define our future, and there’s always hope for a beautiful new chapter in our lives. Whether you're resolutely single like me or if you do want to venture into marriage 2.0, this episode has something for everyone.

I hope you enjoy it 🌸

(and if you do love it then please please please could you rate and review the episode too 💕)

Sending you SO much love

Sarah x

🌸

P.S. For more on moving on a creating our new chapter, we have chosen August’s book over in the Divorce Book Club; 

It’s Not You: How to Identify and Heal from Narcissistic People by Dr Ramani Durvasula. Dr Ramani is an expert in narcissistic abuse (including non-intimate relationships like a parent or your boss!) 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1785045024/ref=nosim?tag=thedivorceb00-21

I’d love to see you over there 📚

We start 1 August

Link to join below ⬇️

THE DIVORCE BOOK CLUB
 
https://patreon.com/thedivorcebookclub

FREE Guide to the 10 MUST read divorce books after divorce

https://thedivorcebookclub.com/free-resources/

INSTAGRAM

https://www.instagram.com/thedivorcechapter

Chapters

• 0:00 My Goddaughter gets married TODAY!
• 5:45 "You are divorcing BECAUSE you believe in marriage"
• 7:56 Not ALL men are b*st*rds
• 11:23 Learning from the 'dark' side
• 12:45 Understanding the patterns
• 16:43 Knowing your worth and your boundaries
• 19:23 The first relationship after divorce heartbreak
• 22:16 It's Not You

Transcript

Sarah Elizabeth  00:00

Hello and welcome to the divorce chapter podcast with me your host, Sarah Elizabeth. And the show where we're all about moving forward to happily ever after. In spite of any divorce shitshow. From shitshow to the greatest show, and no I won't damage your hearing by singing the theme tune however tempting that may be. So today, I, for a couple of reasons, want to focus on when happy ever after includes the potential for a new relationship. Firstly, because I think it kind of follows on pretty well from last week's episode on hyper independence and starting to allow others in and when that then might extend to not only letting friends and family or whoever in but also for an intimate relationship. And secondly, and the main reason, is that today, the day the episode drops Friday 26th of July 2024, my beautiful god daughter is getting married. She is absolutely gorgeous, inside and out like sickenly so sickenly gorgeous. She's like a daughter to me, she was bridesmaid at my son's wedding. And today, three of my granddaughters are flower girls. And also my grandson can't wait to wear his smart suit as a pageboy. It's gonna be a fucking amazing day. And I'm honestly super happy for them both. They've been together well over 10 years since they were 16. Proper childhood sweethearts, actually like her parents who've just celebrated their 32nd I think wedding anniversary. But the bride and groom for today are both utterly gorgeous, and I love them both very, very much. And the reason their wedding today has kind of inspired me and this episode is that despite the disastrous outcome to my own marriage, I still wholeheartedly believe in marriage and believe in love and commitment. I mean, to be fair, I kind of wasn't the one who stopped believing. My ex husband was the one who seemed to forget he was married when he shagged around and fucked me over. But anyway. It was also quite funny at the hen do too, for my goddaughter. There were like this advice card things to fill in, like never do something, you know, never go to sleep on an argument or something like that. Actually, just digressing slightly, a really old lady told my ex and I that on our honeymoon, don't go to sleep on an argument. It did sort of work for 20 years. But anyway, back to the advice cards, there was always dot dot dot. Remember that dot dot dot. Sometimes you have to dot dot dot, you know that kind of thing. And I was like how do I fill this in? That's my evil side or humorous as I like to say it but anyway, and then my goddaughter said that one of the groom's relatives that was also at the bridal shower hen do thingy is relationship counsellor. So they were going to look closely at mine and closely at hers. So I was good. And I was nice. And I wrote proper advice. But it is funny, sometimes with weddings as a divorcee because everyone kind of expects you to hate weddings. Actually, just after I was going through my own shit show. I was at that time, based in a building that also did weddings, which I know but you know, children's social care and weddings, I mean, obvs. That's local authorities for you. But anyway, I looked out the office window one day and saw this wedding and I was super tempted to open the window and shout don't do it. I did fine. And I joke but honestly, in all seriousness, despite my own marriage, not working out, like I said, I do still believe in marriage.  And there's a passage in the book, leave a cheater gain a life that I just want to read to you because I think this passage covers it super well. And this book, leave a cheater, gain a life. I did do an episode on this book a couple of months ago. back after doing it in the book club in May, so go back and check that out. And of course, it's still available to all current members in the book club as well. But yeah, this part on page 199 of the book says, if you've gotten to the painful, albeit liberating decision to divorce, I want you to know this, you are divorcing, because you value marriage, you're divorcing a cheater precisely because you do believe in commitment. You do believe in love through sickness and health. You do believe in family. And you're divorced, because your partner did not share those values. And you refuse to live in a sham marriage. If you feel like this divorce was forced on you, that you didn't want it that there is something to miss, get over that. You can't be with your cheater, because you aren't a good match. You don't share the same ideas about love family and relationships. To be with that person would be squelching a fundamental part of yourself, the person who demands reciprocity, honesty and fidelity in a marriage. In a way, it's nothing personal. You are just two people who have nothing in common, except shared history. A-men. Tracy Schorn, who's the author of the book Amen. So now, could it be time for you to create a new shared history with someone who does place the same value on marriage as you? There's no doubt about it like divorce shakes, everything its that earthquake again, and not only does it completely transform our outer world, it also rocks our beliefs, it challenges our hope and really can make us question the value of marriage and of love. And that's why I wanted to read that passage to you to show that it wasn't necessarily our value on marriage, that meant it had to end. I think for many of us, most of us, I hope. Marriage is way more than just a legal contract. It's a symbol of love, of commitment, and a partnership. And, you know, it's kind of important to hold on to that. Because even if one marriage ends in divorce, it doesn't diminish the value of the marriage itself. Marriage and love can still be a beautiful part of life. You know, we've got to remember that every relationship is unique. Just because one marriage didn't work out, doesn't mean the concept of marriage is flawed. It's about finding the right person and building a strong foundation together with someone who shares those values, you know. And look, again, we can tend to end up going down the all men are bastards line, especially after infidelity we go on a I'm never trusting another fucker again, and all that. But it's like with my social worker hat on, I can end up working with some of the worst humans in society, right? Like 95% of my time is dealing with complete wrong'uns. So what then happens is that I tend to assume that everybody is a complete wrong'un. Rather than kind of recognize that it's actually only a very small minority of wider society that I deal with. I just don't see the good ones on a daily basis. And the same tends to happen with dating after divorce, finding a new relationship after a breakup, because we've had one lying cheating wanker, but then we might get ghosted and gaslit by some tosser on Tinder, who isn't who he says he is and we ended up assuming that all men are lying, cheating wankers. Whereas in reality, I bet you can think of a number of good decent blokes in your life that you know, that aren't complete losers. But a lot of people, we end up feeling completely disillusioned with marriage and love after we've been through a divorce because of this kind of bias towards what we've been through. But we do need to be able to separate the experience of one relationship from the concept of marriage itself, marriage can still offer stability and companionship. But for those of us who have been through a divorce, it's also about learning from our past experiences and working with those lessons to create more sustainable and healthier relationships moving forward.  But my god daughter was sort of joking when she said about the best advice coming from a relationship counsellor and divorce coach. But there probably is a bit of truth in it, because we've both seen the other side, the dark side, and learned from it. So why not use that insight? Prevention is better than cure and all that shizzle. You know, a past doesn't define our future. We can choose to see marriage not as a failure. But as an opportunity for growth. It's completely natural to feel unsure and hesitant about opening up again after experiencing heartbreak, especially after infidelity right and when we struggled to learn to trust again, I get it completely. But, you know, as I say, Love is a pretty resilient force. And it is possible to find it again, if you choose to. And if you feel ready. Love isn't the problem. It's more about finding the right kind of love, and taking the time to heal and work on ourselves a bit and to know what we want in a partner. And let's face it knowing what we don't want is a good start and understanding what you need and how to build a healthier relationship moving forwards.  So how do we move forward after devolves into a potential new relationship? I mean, first up, take some time to heal from your previous relationship. Move through the grief of divorce, it's really important to properly allow the emotions and process each stage of grief or part of grief, and accepting that. That shit is not linear. There's no fixed time limit on this either. Like, no matter what married friends seem to bloody think, when you have to get over it by six months, or whatever fucking time they impose on it. Like there's no time limit. It's not linear, you just go through it. But once you start to get past that it is then also good to reflect on what went wrong. And what you might be able to learn from your past marriage. And that's not about blaming you, or even your ex, even if they were a complete lying, cheating wanker. But more about understanding patterns and behaviours that you don't want to repeat. You know remember the same the situation will keep repeating itself until you learn. So ask yourself what you're looking for when you date. Are you actually looking for long term commitment and possible marriage? Or is it just more about companionship and not wanting to be alone? Think about what you're emotionally ready for. And also, you know, also whether you've grieved the loss of the identity you had as your ex's wife, you know, but also, I'm saying all that it is a balance of doing some of the work to heal, but also not being completely healed if there is such a thing. Like, I'm a firm believer in testing shit out, putting ourselves out there to check and challenge our healing so far. I definitely said about this. On the dating episode, I did a while back and I think maybe even last week, as well. But basically what I mean by testing it out is that sometimes you can only learn and practice theory if you like, before trying to live it practically. I said before, I'm pretty sure it was the dating episode I said about how I had all the theoretical training to become a social worker, but nothing in the world could prepare me for actually going to knock on someone's door and tell him I'm probably gonna take them to court to remove their kid. Think back to learning to drive as most of us can relate to that one, right? You learned the highway code, you sat with the instructor telling you where the clutch is and how it works and mirror signal maneuver was drilled into you and all that but you really aren't going to learn jack shit about driving until you turn the key to start the engine and move the goddamn car. So we do need to do some healing and reflecting and learning and all of that. Think of that like the Highway Code bit. But then at some point, we need to drive the car and take a bloody test to be able to know for sure that we actually can drive right sometimes we need to take the plunge and test out out our new boundaries and what we've learned.  It is important to know your worth first, too, though, so that we don't fall back into codependency patterns and look into someone else to determine our value. Go all in on the episodes I've done recently on codependency as well as the one on hyper-independence last week, learn to start to value yourself, so you don't end up looking to someone else to do it. But also learning that whilst knowing our worth, we also need to try to be a little bit vulnerable and build some trust in others again. And we can do that too by finding us again, you know, spending time doing the things you love and reconnecting with hobbies and new interests. And, you know, building yourself first and foremost, right. And by the way, I do keep mentioning, I'm fully conscious I keep mentioning previous episodes, but it's because a lot of this stuff is really interlinked and really similar in nature. And also, I do think that hearing this same kind of shizzle in different ways and repeatedly, could truly help the shit to sink in. It's the core of neuroplasticity, and embedding new neural pathways if you like the science-y bit. So, you know, as I said, we do need to take some time to acknowledge the emotions and process it, and then start to heal and grow first. But then, then we get to play a bit with it. Go back to the dating episode, again, to be very clear, first, what you're out and out non negotiables are in a relationship. What are you want to have? What are your needs to haves? What are your absolute no no's. Because while it is important to be cautious absofuckinglutely, equally, don't let fear prevent you from exploring new relationships, be mindful and open. Because you know, you've got to remember that in any relationship, communication is key. And part of that is being honest about your past experiences and your expectations and your needs. Because healthy boundaries are essential for that mutual respect and understanding. And, you know, a lot of this may well be totally new to a lot of us, and that's okay. And use your support squad of friends and family as well. They can offer perspective and encouragement and a listening ear and all. You know. Plus, they know you better than anyone right, and they probably knew the ex as well. So they're going to have your back.  And realize too, that if your first relationship after divorce doesn't last. That's also okay. It's not really talked about. But sometimes I do think that that first heartbreak after a divorce can be a killer, because we have put ourselves out there and it hasn't worked out again. You know, it's hard. But just as I started this bit about the divorce, not changing the value of marriage, any relationship that doesn't work out, it's just that, it's just a relationship that didn't work out. It's not about you or maybe even not about them it purely wasn't a match. Because you've started to value yourself I hope you realise too, by now that settling in a relationship that isn't a match. It's just not worth it. You're worth way more than that. Settling, you're one in 400 trillion remember? You know finding your new happy ever after might look a bit different than you originally imagined. And that's okay. Different can be good, maybe even better. And whether you find joy, in a new relationship or embracing your single life, the most important thing is that you're true to yourself and open to the possibilities. Your story is still being written remember, divorce is just one chapter, not the entire book. It's not the end of your story. Take the lessons learned from them grow from them. Just remain open to the beauty of new beginnings and a blank slate where anything's possible. Love is resilient. And so my love are you. So I do hope that's helpful if you are starting to think about whether a relationship is in your future. And for a bit more on this theme. Actually we've got another guest coming on in the next few weeks who is a love and life coach. So get excited for that as well. And to come back to what inspired this episode. I just want to say a huge congratulations to my goddaughter and her husband for today on your wedding day and for your marriage and hopefully we can get a few more happy ever afters around here, whether that's in a new relationship or like me right now happily ever after single. I do love being single, but try not to be too hyper independent alpha female after last week. So yeah, do share the episode on Instagram with your own stories of happy ever after, like your story might just inspire someone else who right now can't imagine ever being happy again.  And dodgy segue time if any of you are nowhere near another relationship because you're still healing from the damage of a narcissistic ex, a whole different ballgame of healing that fucker, the book for August in the book club may well be the one for you. It's called it's not you by Dr. Ramani Durvasula. Dr. Ramani is an expert in narcissistic abuse and the book blurb the blurb on the back says dealing with a narcissist is hard. One day, their confidence and charisma pull you in the next day they gaslight, wreck your self confidence and leave you wondering what you could have done differently. Clinical Psychologist and narcissism expert Dr. RAMANI is here to help. Drawing on more than 20 years of studying, teaching and helping people navigate the challenging landscape of narcissism. You'll learn how to spot the telltale signs of a narcissist. Confront toxic cycles, protect your energy, create realistic boundaries, reclaim and embrace your true self. Packed with expert tips and detailed advice. This book will equip you with the tools to stop blaming yourself, regain your power heal and take back your life. Doesn't it sound good? And I think what's also extremely interesting in this book is that it doesn't just focus on narcissistic intimate relationships. But also if the narcissist is your boss or whoever as well, so get excited and head over to the divorce book club.com Or the divorce book club at Patreon. All the links are down below. And I am off to smuggle non alcoholic drinks into the wedding reception. This is my first wedding as alcohol free so that will be interesting. Though my goddaughter and I both do love a bit of sherry, we're like old women. So I might be led astray yet. Can you imagine one sherry after 18 months of no alcohol would probably knock me out. So if there's no pod next week, you'll know I'm recovering you know. So, Sherry depending, I will be back in your beautiful earbuds next week. Tha