The Divorce Chapter

EP51 The Hidden Red Flags of Domestic Abuse: Are You Missing the Signs?

• Sarah Elizabeth • Episode 51

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In this episode, I look into the often-overlooked signs of abuse in relationships (after touching on Betrayal Blindness too). Abuse isn't always obvious; it can be subtle, manipulative, and deeply damaging. That’s why I’ve highlighted 15 key indicators that you or someone you know might be in an abusive relationship.

1. Physical Violence

2. Verbal Abuse

3. Emotional Manipulation (plus DARVO explained)

4. Isolation

5. Control

6. Jealousy

7. Blame Shifting

8. Intimidation.

9. Financial Abuse

10. Sexual Abuse

11. Gaslighting

12. Threats

13. Punishing Behaviour

14. Digital/Technology Abuse

15. Unpredictable Behaviour


Each of these signs is a red flag in a relationship and can lead to a destructive cycle of abuse. My aim in this episode is to help recognise the signs and the patterns, whether that’s in your own relationships or in those around you. I really want to empower listeners to identify and break free from these harmful dynamics.

But I do know it’s not easy to get out and I also know that post separation abuse is another added worry…. So please please please do seek the proper support:

Women's Aid: Offers support services and a directory of local domestic abuse services.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Refuge: Provides emergency housing, support, and advocacy for women and children escaping domestic violence.

https://refuge.org.uk/

National Domestic Abuse Helpline: A 24-hour helpline offering confidential support and advice.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/contact-us/


These are all UK based ones but please do look out for support services in the country/State you are in. 

And also, this month in the Divorce Book Club we are reading It’s Not You: How to Identify and Heal from Narcissistic People by Dr Ramani Durvasula. Dr Ramani is an expert in narcissistic abuse (including non-intimate relationships like a parent or your boss) and this book is also amazing for highlighting abuse in relationships. You can check out the book here: 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1785045024/ref=nosim?tag=thedivorceb00-21

I’d love to see you over there 📚

We started 1 August (but it’s never too late to join as access to all previous books and chapters available to all members)

Link to join below ⬇️

So until next week,

Sending you SO much love and please take care of you 

Sarah x

🌸

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Sarah Elizabeth  00:01

Hello and welcome back to the divorce chapter podcast, where we turn the divorce plot twist into a new and improved happier for after and this week, we're going to be looking at the signs of an abusive relationship, because what can often happen, especially when the divorce has come as a result of infidelity or other abuse. In some way, it can leave us really fucking vulnerable to more abuse, whether that's post separation abuse from the ex, or whether that's falling into another toxic relationship, or, even worse, both. And sometimes, I think, especially when we've been so fucking indoctrinated by our relationships, and we're so worn down, we're vulnerable, our self worth is on the floor. We just can't see it. And also there's such a thing as betrayal, blindness. Now, I'd never really heard about this before, or maybe just hadn't absorbed it, I don't know, but this month in the divorce book club, we're reading it's not you by Dr Ramani dervasula, and this is all about recovery from narcissistic abuse. It's intense and it's deep, but it's so good, and there's so much stuff in there that isn't really talked about in the usual narcissistic conversations. And betrayal, blindness is one of those things that is super interesting, and Dr Ramani says it was developed as a concept by Dr Jennifer Freyd, who also developed DARVO too, which I will talk about today as well. But betrayal, blindness summed up is those words that probably so many of us have thought or uttered after escaping these relationships. How did I not see it? Why didn't I see the red flags and those feelings, those thoughts, are often then made 10 times worse by comments from frankly thoughtless friends and family, like, why didn't you just leave? Fucking idiots. Anyway. They just don't know. But that adds to the self blame, the confusion and the shame that can follow. And so betrayal, blindness is a state of denial. It's a coping mechanism that is said to be mostly unconscious, and it's a bit like a freeze response. It's like unconsciously filtering out the information that you can't face. It's kind of like a dual state of you know the information, but you don't know. It's blocked it out, it's numbing. It's ignoring all of your inner warning systems. And let's face it, abuse is essentially a betrayal too, of our trust. It's violating our boundaries, at the very least. So this week, I thought it may be helpful to look at what abuse can actually look like, and give some support in helping to identify the signs and the red flags we hear so much about. Now, obviously this episode does come with a bit of a trigger warning for domestic abuse, so please make sure you have the support around you, and I'm going to list some support resources as well in the show notes and at the end of the episode, but please, please, please, look after you in listening to this episode.  Okay, we're going to go through 15 signs that are indicative of an abusive relationship, but there will undoubtedly be more, but these are probably the biggies and the main ones. So we'll go through them here as an overview, and then we'll go through each one in a little bit more detail. So we've got physical violence, which is any form of physical harm, like hitting, slapping, choking, pushing, verbal abuse, which can look like insulting, yelling, name calling, or that constant criticism that is meant to belittle you, emotional manipulation and using guilt, shame or other toxic tactics to control or manipulate your feelings and actions, isolation and preventing you from seeing your friends or your family, control, which might be dictating what you wear, where you go, who you can see, how you spend your time or your money, jealousy and unfounded accusations of infidelity or excessive jealousy about interactions with others, blame shifting because they can't possibly take responsibility for their actions, and so they blame you for their abusive behavior, intimidation, using looks or actions or even threat to absolutely terrify you into submission, economic or financial abuse, and I did an episode on this in more depth, but it's like controlling finances, withholding money or preventing you from working, for example, sexual abuse and forcing you to engage in sexual activities without consent, or making you feel obligated to have sex and do things you really don't want to do that may also put you at risk of harm, plus sexual violence, gaslighting and making you doubt your own sanity, threats, which kind of extends beyond intimidation to actually threatening to harm you or your loved ones or themselves because they threaten to harm themselves if you leave or don't comply. Punishing behavior looks like punishing you by things like giving you the silent treatment, withholding affection, other means of emotional withdrawal, digital abuse and monitoring your phone, your emails, your social media, they might be sending you threatening messages or spreading rumours about you. And finally, unpredictable behavior, which might be extreme mood swings that just general unpredictability you never quite know where you are, that erratic behavior that keeps you right on the edge.  So let's go a bit more depth into each one of them then. So physical violence is probably I guess one of the most obvious forms of abuse, right? It includes any physical act intended to harm or intimidate you. So that might look like punching, hitting, slapping, biting, choking. It might be pinching you or kicking you or pulling your hair. It might be pushing, shoving, burning you, strangulation, pinning you down, holding you by the neck, restraining you. It might even be using weapons. And if your partner has ever laid hands on you in anger or used physical force in some way to control you, it's a clear sign of abuse, and it might start with maybe a push here or shove there, and before you know it, there's a slap, then a punch, and maybe they even apologize, but it means jack shit, because the pattern of violence just goes on and on and on. You know, for me with my ex husband, there'd been, like, 22 years of nothing, and then there were a couple of shoves here and there when we argued. But honestly, if I'm being really honest, I didn't think so much of the shoving at the time. And I suppose I don't know whether that's because it hadn't happened before. I just don't know. And then it was about, oh God, about three months after that, when he full on, hit me really fucking hard in the face, hit my fucking cheek bone. It stings like fuck when they hit there. The force actually caused me to fall over, and he never apologized. It never even got into the fucking pattern, because he never even apologized, not that that would have made it any better, but it's the principle. You know, I slept on the fucking floor that night by the side of our bed. I knew my place, and I still stayed for two more months after that because I couldn't, I don't know. I couldn't. I couldn't make sense of it. It never, ever happened before in all that time over 20 years. But now it had happened once. I don't know. You just never know. And I think that was also my background in working in domestic abuse, I knew that there was probably no going back from that, especially when he never took responsibility for it. Like there are programmes to help perpetrators of domestic abuse, but realistically, they've got at least acknowledge that they need to change, and when they don't even do that, well, it's not exactly going to be happy ever after, is it? I don't know anyway, the point being physical violence, even inverted commas, just just a shove, is never okay. If they have that in them, it's not going to go away and get better. And then we move on to verbal abuse. Now, whether it's because this is, I suppose less obvious than physical abuse. Maybe I'm not sure we always spot this quite as easily, especially again, when this escalates over time, and it might be words used to demean you, devalue you, insult you, belittle you, that constant criticism, name calling and yelling are all forms of verbal abuse that can destroy you, because verbal abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse and have just as much impact. You know, the whole Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me brhyme. A load of fucking bullshit, because I can honestly tell you that for me anyway, my ex husband hitting me was probably the least damaging thing in terms of the emotional scars. The emotional harm was the shit that has taken so much longer to heal than the bruises did. Because I think part of the damage is that over time, the constant belittling you, the mockery, the humiliation, you can end up starting to believe, the negative comments, which fucks your self worth and your confidence like you wouldn't believe and that shit takes a hell of a lot longer to heal than a bruise. But similarly, that isn't to actually turn physical abuse and verbal abuse into some kind of competition, because both are inexcusable. And let's face it, the data tells us that at least one woman a week in the UK is killed by her partner or ex partner, which inevitably involves violence, physical violence against women. But I would also question in that, how many women end their lives as a consequence of their mental health being so eroded by verbal abuse as well? Because both are utter shit. Let's face it, all of these, it's abuse. All of these are shit.  So let's move on to emotional manipulation, which is essentially a tactic used to control your feelings and actions that might be guilt tripping you, gaslighting you playing the victim to make you feel responsible for their emotions. Which kind of brings me back to that Jen Dr, Jennifer Freyd, who not only brought us betrayal, blindness, but also DARVO too. And DARVO is an acronym which stands for deny attack and reverse victim and offender, deny attack, reverse victim and offender, which basically means, in practice, what abusive people do to avoid taking responsibility for their fucked up actions. So let's say you challenge a partner for I don't know. Let's say you found out he took another woman for dinner when he told you he was working late, and your mate was in the restaurant as well, and she reported it right back at you, and you trust your mate, right? So you say to him, oh, on Tuesday, you told me you were working late, but someone said they saw you at the Rose and Crown. First, he'll deny it the deny. I didn't take anybody out. What the fuck are you talking about? I was working. I've never even been to that pub. What are you going on about? Then attack. You're always so bloody suspicious of everything I do. There's something wrong with you, then turn himself into the victim, and you as the actual victim, into the offender. I'm working so hard to pay for our home and your bloody lifestyle, and now you accuse me of this bullshit. I honestly don't know why I bother. If you loved me, you'd just bloody trust me. And that is DARVO, a manipulation of your mind in action right there. And what happens with this kind of manipulation is that you end up doubting yourself, which then makes you believe you actually are the offender, which means you end up constantly fucking apologizing and placating him.  So then we move on to isolation, which happens when your partner stops you from seeing friends or family or taking part in social activities, and they might make you feel guilty for wanting to spend time with others, or they claim that they're the only person who really, truly cares about you. You might say your family is a bad influence, or even convince you that true love means you spend all your time with only each other, but then over time, one by one. The friends and family give up and drop away, which leaves you increasingly isolated and relying solely on him for social interaction and support for bloody everything, which brings us on to number five, control, coercive control. And I'll use the women's aid definition for this, because it's really important that you understand this so coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish or frighten their victim. This controlling behaviour is designed to make a person dependent by isolating them from support, exploiting them, depriving them of independence and regulating their everyday behaviour. Now, in practice, this can manifest in various ways, like dictating what you wear, where you go, who you see, how you spend your money, how you spend your time. It's them asserting power and dominance over your life. They might go through your phone, go through your social media, basically demand the final saying every minute of your goddamn life, which ends up leaving you powerless and entirely dependent on them. And just to be clear, coercive control is a crime in the UK, the Serious Crime Act 2015 created the offense of controlling or coercive behavior in an intimate or family relationship, and it's got a maximum penalty of five years in prison, but it is still massively misunderstood. And I do know of one campaigner, Samantha Billingham, who was a victim of coercive control, and is now, as I say, a campaigner to raise awareness of this, and her tagline is, if we aren't talking about coercive control, we aren't talking about domestic abuse, because she says it underpins all domestic abuse. So next up jealousy and accusations, excessive jealousy and unfounded accusations of infidelity are really common in abusive relationships, and this can stem from their insecurity and their desire to control so they might often accuse you of cheating if you even dare to speak To someone of the opposite sex, and that constant jealousy leads to arguments and demands for you to prove your loyalty. It's only because they love you so much and they can't bear to think of being without you. And it might even extend to harassment, especially in post separation abuse, like following you, checking up on you, not allowing you any privacy, or repeatedly checking to see who's phoned you where you've been. Although I do say that with jealousy, I've also heard victims of infidelity say that their fuckwit cheaters were jealous as a kind of almost like projection, like they know exactly what they're getting up to, so they accuse you of cheating to deflect from their own shit, like not always, but definitely has been known, which also brings us on to blame shifting Now, abusive partners very rarely take responsibility for their actions. They'll shift the blame onto you and make you somehow at least feel responsible for their behavior. So whereas DARVO is more of a manipulative tactic to turn you into the offender, blame shifting is more of a general term about them avoiding responsibility and blaming you for their behaviour directly. So shit like they'll say, you make me act this way. If you didn't do X, I wouldn't do Y. It like makes out that you are the problem here rather than them, or you get the blame shifting style of apology like, I guess I should say I'm sorry, like they'll subtly shift it right back at you, like, I'm sorry you feel that way. It's not my fault, like I heard a sorry excuse for cheating as well you stopped ironing my shirts. I mean, fucking hell. So moving on. Intimidation this, it looks like kind of look like threats, but looks or actions to instill the fear. in you. You know that look, that look, and you just know, you know when you get that look, you know what it means, and it puts the fucking fear of God into you. And again, it's all about power and control, or it might be pressure, things like sulking or shit like punching walls or throwing things, it's a hint of violence, and it terrifies you into compliance. And then on to financial abuse, or economic abuse. I did a whole episode on this one, as it's often misunderstood, but it essentially involves controlling your access to financial resources in some way. So I won't go into it in too much depth here, as there was loads on it in that episode to help with this type of abuse. But it's definitely indicative and abusive relationship so on to sexual abuse and sexual violence. Now this basically includes any non consensual sexual activity or coercion, like they might tell you it's it's your duty as his partner, or some bullshit and guilt trip you or coerce you until you give in. And that might be unwanted kissing or touching, it might be taking nudes of you without your agreement, or refusing to use condoms or stealthing, which is removing the condom without you even fucking knowing. So they kind of almost prevent you from using protection against STIs. It might be unwanted, rough or violent sexual activity, and sexual violence is using force, threats, intimidation, to make you do sexual acts. It might be forcing you to look at porn. It might be forcing you into sex with other people, it might even be rape. They might drug you, and the fact that it happens in a relationship does not make it any less than if you were raped by a stranger. It's about their power and control over you. This is intimate partner sexual violence, and it's vital that this is recognized as abuse in a relationship.  On then to gas lighting. This is a form of psychological manipulation where they make you doubt your own reality, your own memories, your own perception. And I've explained it before in previous episodes that it kind of came from a term in a film in their 40s called gaslight, where a husband made his wife think she was going to be fucking cray. Cray by messing about with the gas lights in the house when she thought he wasn't home, and it was all an attempt to get her committed so he could Nick all her money, so they might accuse you of imagining things, and eventually you do start to doubt yourself and question your own freaking sanity, especially if they also know some of us menopausal girls might have some brain fog going on. It's the deliberate manipulation of someone's mind with the intent of controlling their reality. Then we've got threats, which might be implicit threats or explicit, they're overt or covert, and they're basically used again as a form of power and control. It's all this. It's about power and fucking control, and that might include threats of harm to you, your loved ones or even themselves. It might be emotional blackmail or using their physical size to intimidate you. You know, when they're tall and big and they just feel so threatening, they might destroy your possessions, your shit, like they might punch walls. They might even threaten harm to themselves, which then can look like them, threatening suicide, which puts untold pressure on you. If you don't do this, I will kill myself. And another target of threats is actually pets. There's a fair bit of research that links domestic abuse and pet abuse, and it's fucking awful, but this is all just shit to be aware of, loves, right? And then next up punishment, and that can be like silent treatment, withholding love and affection or just withdrawal with the intention of hurting you, deliberately hurting you, controlling you, which ends up making you feel super anxious and desperate to sort it out, just make it better. And then we've got digital abuse, or technology, which is basically using technology in some way to monitor, harass or intimidate you, and that might be checking your phone, sending threatening messages. It might be spreading rumours and shit about you online. They might hack your phone, cyber stalk you. They might use social media cameras, any kind of technology, to try to harm or control you trackers. That's another one. They use trackers too on your car, cameras in your house, covert cameras, and the final sign of abuse in relationships for today, as I said, there's many, many more but unpredictable behaviour which is quite hard to spot, but it can include those extreme mood swings, those erratic actions, you never know what shit is coming next, and it leaves you constantly on edge, never quite sure of what might trigger the next outburst.  So that's it. There's obviously so many more nuances within all of this. They might be dismissing you. They might be disrespecting you. They might be persistently putting you down in front of other people, not listening or responding when you talk. They might be validating you. It might be minimizing you. It might be baiting you to provoke reaction, reactive abuse. It might be a smear campaign against you. There is so much in these abusive behaviours, but there are patterns and signs. And my whole reason for today's episode is about helping you to recognise these signs when you might have blocked them out, when you might be misreading them, when you might kind of go, oh, but you know that time he did that, that was really nice. He he says he loves me. He says he saw a, you know, that kind of shit right now, whether that's in your own relationships or past relationships, or whether that's you seeing this happening for someone else, recognising these signs is the first step towards seeking help and finding a way out of an abusive relationship. So if you or someone you know is experiencing any of this shit, it's so important to reach out for support. So a few steps you can take if you do recognise that you're in an abusive relationship, but this is with the caveat that there is so much more support out there to help with this, right?  So you can contact a domestic abuse hotline or service like there's organisations like women's aid refuge or the National Domestic Abuse helpline. They all provide support and guidance for all abuse, all of these types of abuse and all of their websites have got huge amount of information with much, much, much more than I've talked about today. And women's aid offers support services and a directory of local domestic abuse services. Refuge can give emergency housing support and advocacy for women and children escaping domestic abuse. And the National Domestic Abuse helpline is a 24 hour helpline offering confidential support and advice. And I'll leave the links for all of these in the show notes as well. Obviously, as I've said before, these links are UK based, but please do check wherever you live, what support is available? There's always support available. Reach out to trusted individuals like talk to friends, family members or co workers, people that you do trust, which I know is really hard when that's been freaking destroyed, right? But sharing some of your experiences can give you some emotional support, and they might help you just to see the situation more clearly, or support you in getting the help that you need. And you need to create a safety plan as well, plan how to leave the situation safely this is so important, and that might include packing an emergency bag, having important documents ready, knowing where you can go in case of an emergency post separation abuse is huge. It's so important that you've got the right protection in place to leave safely, and that again, seek professional help, and I've talked about the support services for domestic abuse, but also counsellors therapists who specialise in domestic abuse, they can offer a lot of guidance and support and help you work through your emotions, and that plan for leaving the relationship and legal advice as well, because sometimes it might be necessary to obtain a non molestation order, restraining order, or some other kind of protective order in order to make sure that you're safe and again, just talk to legal professionals to understand your options and utilise local resources. A lot of communities have got shelters. So. Support services for people escaping abusive relationships. I know it's not right. I know it's not right. They should be the ones to stop I know that, but these resources can provide that safe place to stay and that additional support that you need. Leaving an abusive relationship can be really fucking difficult and dangerous, and it's so important that you've got a support system and robust plan in place. But if I can leave you with one key message, I suppose to take away from today, you are not alone. Help is available, and I've left all the links in the show notes for you, as I've said. So that's it for me, for today, I know it's been a bit of everyone, and you know, I apologising for that, because it's entirely necessary. Every single one of us has the right to be safe and free from abuse, every single one of us. So please do take care of you. The best care of you, my love and I will be back in your beautiful earbuds again next week with so much love from me. Bye.

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Sarah Elizabeth

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