The Divorce Chapter

EP54 Rewriting the Story of the Narcissist in your Life: A review of the book ‘It’s Not You’

• Sarah Elizabeth • Episode 54

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Ever wish you could rewrite the past? Sadly, we can’t turn back time, but we can definitely rewrite our future—and that’s exactly what we’re diving into today. 

In this episode, I break down Dr. Ramani Durvasula’s game-changing book, “It’s Not You”. This book is an absolute MUST-read if you’ve ever found yourself tangled up with a narcissist, whether it’s an ex, a parent, or even a boss. 

In this overview of the book, we pull out the different types of narcissism, and look at  how to identify these toxic traits; as well as the devastating impact they can have, and most importantly, how to reclaim your life. 

If you’re ready to stop playing the narcissist’s game and start writing your own story, this episode is for you. 

I hope you take something away from the episode, and please, if you do enjoy it, please please please help a gal out and rate and review the episode! Thank you 🥰

And if you’re wanting to go deeper into this book or any of the past books - plus get VIP access to September’s book (Getting Past your Breakup by Susan J Elliott) the link is down below ⬇️

Do let me know if you want any more details about the book club - or indeed about anything divorce/break-up related.

Until next week then, sending you loads of love,

Sarah x

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Sarah Elizabeth  00:01

Hello and welcome to the divorce chapter podcast, where we take the divorce story and flip the script into a transformative new chapter. We may not be able to change what's been written so far, but we sure as hell can rewrite the future. Although saying that about not rewriting the past couple of weekends ago, I had my two eldest granddaughters for the weekend, and we love a movie night, a bit of popcorn. I think actually one of them just shows up for the popcorn, but I'm here for that. I like a bit of the sweet popcorn, not the salty. I'm a sweet girl myself, but anyway, the movie of choice on this weekend was descendants rise of red. Now, if you haven't heard of the descendants, it's basically a series of movies based on the children of infamous Disney Heroes and Villains. So we've got the son of Beauty and the Beast. We've got maleficent's daughter. We've got Cruella's son. We've got the Evil Queen's daughter. We've got the kids of the seven dwarves. You get the picture. There was a trilogy of these descendants films, and then this one that we watched, the rise of red, focuses on red as the daughter of the Queen of Hearts and Chloe, who is the daughter of Cinderella and charming. Red, basically takes Maddox hatters watch to go back in time to change events so that her mother doesn't turn into the evil tyrant that she currently is. Off with their heads and all that. I won't spoil it, but my reason for mentioning about it is to reiterate that we unfortunately can't change the past because we haven't got a wonderland watch or a time transporter or any other wonderful movie concepts, sadly. So we can't change that we met an idiot, we can't change that they're a lying, cheating wanker, and we most definitely cannot change a narcissist, because they can't change but having a past that well, sucks in places equally does not mean that our future has to suck as well. And that's why in the divorce book club, we take a book a month all about divorce relationships or personal development exactly, to have the tools to change our divorce story, to create happier endings, to thrive through the show of breakups, or for tenner a month, tenner a month, to change your goddamn life and finally, find the happiness and contentment and peace you've been looking for. Is there a cheaper way to change your life, change your future. I don't believe there is just saying. 


Sarah Elizabeth  03:04

Which brings me on to today's episode, because, irrespective of past or future, a narcissist, as I said, cannot, and more to the point, will not change. We can, but they can't, and because often we are in this shit show and needing to rewrite our divorce chapters entirely because of a narcissist. In August, in a divorce book club, we've been doing the book it's not you, by Dr Ramani Durvasula it's been deep. Oh, it's been deep. It's been long. The podcast episode for each chapter has been over an hour at times, but so damn needed, because it's taught us exactly that about rewriting our stories of life with a narc. It's shown us that it's not us so needed, which is why I thought today I'd give you as quick an overview as I can of the book to give you a bit of the tea as is possible in a bite sized podcast episode, but if you want the whole cup, definitely go check out the divorce book club, as all the previous books are available, as long as you're a member of our VIP club. So whether you're dealing with a narc, ex, a partner, a parent, a friend, even a boss, this book has you covered with the tools to better understand and navigate these really complex dynamics. It's not you nine chapters of a huge amount of information, a lot of which doesn't in my opinion, really often feature in the mainstream conversations about narcissism. Dr Ramani is one of the leading experts on narcissism and toxic relationships, and her work has helped countless individuals reclaim their lives from the grip of narcissistic personalities. And the book starts with basically a detailed intro into narcissism, and it states that narcissism is an interpersonally maladaptive personality style that encompasses a wide spectrum of traits and behavioural patterns that present in different ways, from mild to severe, vulnerable to malignant. What separates a narcissistic person from someone who is self centered or vain or entitled is the consistency and sheer number of these traits in one person. 


Sarah Elizabeth  06:02

So what are these traits? Well, there's a good few of them. They include a need for narcissistic supply, which means they need constant validation and admiration egocentricity, which she describes as selfishness with a devaluation chaser. And she uses this really good example of that. A selfish person will choose the restaurant they want, a narcissistic person will choose the restaurant they want and tell you that they had to do that because you're too dumb about food to choose one selfishness with the devaluation chaser, consistent inconsistency. So they can be great if they're getting the supply, but turn very quickly when they're bored with that. They're inconsistent depending on that supply, but we can trust that they'll be consistent in their inconsistency, restlessness, always looking for more the next big supply, delusional grandiosity. They believe they are superior to everybody, and I mean everybody shifting masks. You never quite know which version of them you're gonna get. Entitlement. This is absolutely core in narcissism. Narcs believe they are special and rules are never for them. They do and say what the fuck they like rules are for normal people, and how very dare you suggest that they're normal, overcompensating for insecurity. They're always on the edge of inadequacy, but can't ever show it, because they can't possibly show that they're actually not superior. They're thin skinned. They can dish it out, but mate they can't take it back. They have an inability to self regulate and manage their emotions, which is why we end up walking on fucking eggshells our entire lives. They have a need for dominance and control. They've got to have that control at all times. Lack of empathy another defining feature. They can have cognitive empathy in that they get why someone may feel something, but only insofar as they can use it against them. It's like an intellectual level, but they can't possibly feel it. It can be performative to show off to others, or it might be functional to suit them and their wants, but never, ever, ever meaningful through empathy. They have contempt for others. They need people, but boy, boy do they resent that they need people and projection of shame, they're far too great to be shameful, so they'll project that shit onto us. And last but not least, they can be incredibly charming and have great gain master manipulators always. And Dr Ramani explains in the book that narcissism is not just one size fits all. Every narc has some different nuances and definitely more to what we see on social media. And I think you know, while it's fantastic that this is now more widely talked about and not hidden like it used to be this 100% so much more to it than we can grasp from a 30 second Instagram reel, and in the book, Dr Ramani, goes on to talk through the different types of narcissism and their unique traits and challenges, because understanding these types can ultimately help us identify and respond appropriately to the narcissist in our lives. So.


Sarah Elizabeth  10:00

So she goes to grandiose narcissism, which is probably the most recognized form of narcissism, and they're characterized by an inflated sense of self importance, a constant need for admiration and a distinct lack of empathy. They often present themselves as charming and charismatic, but are deeply manipulative and massively dismissive of others needs. It's all about them, then we've got vulnerable or covert narcissists who are just less overt in their behavior. They may come across as shy, insecure or overly sensitive, but beneath that exterior lies a deep sense of entitlement and a tendency to blame everyone else for their problems, they're more likely to engage in passive aggressive behaviour and are much, much, much harder to identify. Then there's malignant narcissism, which is hugely dangerous and destructive, and it's a combination of both narcissistic and antisocial personality disorders. They are manipulative, deceitful and actively enjoy, actively enjoy, causing harm to others. Their behaviour can be sadistic, and they generally show no remorse for their actions, and we've then got communal narcissists who present themselves as highly altruistic and self sacrificing. They seek their validation through their perceived contributions to society or their community, but their actions are driven by a desire for admiration rather than a genuine concern for others. So think cult leaders and even some church leaders too as well, sometimes validated for all the good they seem to do, but it's never for the people. It's for them, or they're self righteous narcissists who are hyper moralistic, they're judgmental, they're extremely rigid, and they truly believe that their opinions, their work, their life, is all far superior to others. And you must, absolutely must fall in line with their way of doing shit, or neglectful narcissists who have a complete disregard and are totally detached. They're above having to deal with human relationships, heaven forbid, they have to speak to people, have to deal with ordinary people. They've got zero interest in you as a person. And Dr Ramani explains that recognizing and understanding the nuances in these different types is crucial because each one requires a different approach. For example, like while a grandiose narcissist may respond to flattery, a vulnerable narcissist might require a more delicate approach. And Dr Ramani emphasizes that identifying the type of narcissist you're dealing with is the first step in protecting yourself. 


Sarah Elizabeth  13:08

And she also talks through different levels of this, which is really important to hear, because she, like, talks about narcissism through the lens of like, a scale, a spectrum from mild through moderate to severe. And she states that on the mild end you have your superficial social media narcissists locked into a perpetual and emotionally stunted adolescence, which may be annoying but not necessarily harmful. At the severe end, you observe callousness, exploitation, cruelty, vindictiveness, dominance and even physical, sexual, psychological or verbal violence, which may be terrifying and traumatic, moderate narcissism, is basically somewhere in the middle, and she describes it as the form of narcissism most of us are dealing with, and is what the book really focuses on and the book talks through some myths about narcissism, and then moves into the different antagonistic behaviors that we might see in narcissists. 


Sarah Elizabeth  14:11

So the traits we went through are kind of like who they are, their personalities, if you like, and these behaviours of what they do. And the title with this chapter is death by 1000 cuts, which I think chillingly sums it up. So she talks about these behaviours in terms of patterns. First up, she details gas lighting, which we've covered before on the pod, but is the manipulation of your reality, your perception, your memory, your emotions. Gaslighting is like the centrepiece of narcissistic abuse, and it's not just lying. It's deliberately manipulating the truth with the intention to distort your experience. So then she goes into patterns, right? So she talks about dimmer. Patterns, dimmer is an acronym, so d is dismissive, I, invalidation, M, minimisation, second, M, manipulation, E, exploitativeness and R rage dimmer and overall, these particular patterns are described as dimmer because the impact on us is like these behaviours dim our lights. They dim our sense of self and our beautiful identities. They're a pattern of behaviours which switches off our goddamn lights. And after dimmer patterns, we've got domination patterns, which Dr Ramani cites as domination, isolation, revenge and threats, which I say, is also an acronym of dirt and fucking hell are these dirty, nasty bastards. After domination patterns, we've got disagreeable patterns, which are defined as arguing, baiting, blame shifting, justifying, rationalizing, criticizing, humiliating, speaking in word salad, which is basically talking a lot, saying, fuck all my words, not hers, then we've got betrayal patterns, lying, being unfaithful, future, faking As in, like I'll do this when I'll change, when promising a future that will never fucking happen. And as if that all isn't enough, we've also got deprivation patterns, deprivation and breadcrumbing, never letting us have in the full loaf. 


Sarah Elizabeth  16:36

And the book then goes through to talk about the narcissist cycle of abuse, which, again, we've covered on here in a couple of episodes, which starts with love bombing. And Dr Romani says, you know, in answer to the you know question, but why didn't we see it? Why didn't we see this? At the start, she says that we don't recognize love bombing because of what she calls the C suite. And now it isn't the C you're thinking, though, personally, I think it should be. But the C suite means they can love bomb, and they get away with it and we don't spot it, because they are all the C's charming, charismatic, confident with credentials. So I continue to think that we should add my favorite C which coincidentally became my ex husband's name during our shit show. But anyhow, so the C suite gives us love bombing, and when they've got us hooked, the love bombing goes on to the devaluation stage, where they'll start to put us down and make us feel like utter shit. Then we get the discard phase and getting rid of us before hoovering and back to the start, because they need that supply, right? And then the book goes into the impact of all of this shit on the victims. There's a huge, huge, huge long list in the book, but summarizing it, it's the impact on our thoughts and beliefs, like we feel helpless and hopeless and bloody confused. It affects how we experience ourselves in the world, with isolation and shame and trust issues, the severe stress response in our bodies, as well as the impact on our sense of self from self doubt to self loathing. It fucks our emotions and it fucks the health like sleep, eating and the like, and we do all sorts of crap to manage the fuckers, like appeasing and apologizing all the goddamn time, fucking apologizing all the time. The list of impacts on us is super long, but you probably don't need me to tell you that, right? And because this book isn't just about narcissists in intimate relationships, but in any relationship, the book also explores family systems, which I found really fascinating, and how often that not even just narcissistic families, like a lot of families, there are roles that we adopt in our families through childhood, and which then tend to stay with us throughout life, like this, fixer, Peacemaker. Let's just placate everyone and make sure there's no conflict. The Helper, let's do everything for everyone, the invisible child who never gets noticed, the golden child who's on the pedestal, the truth teller who calls it all out, and then the one that makes me so sad, the scapegoat, the one who gets the brunt and blame for all the shit. And honestly, this is all so valuable in helping us to see how our childhoods may go on to influence our adult relationships.


Sarah Elizabeth  19:46

And Dr Ramani draws out these themes of what makes us vulnerable to narcissists, and puts all of this into understanding our backstories and this part of. Our backstory starts the second part of the book, The Healing part. The first part of the book went into depth on what narcissism is and what it does. The second part is all about us. As she says, there's so much focus on narcissists, but what about the victims? So as well as drawing out what makes us vulnerable, she, importantly, also shows us how we can become narc resistant as well as gaslight resistant, which is so needed, it's like giving us an invisible suit of armour. And one great tool the book gives us as a takeaway is the rule of three, which is the first time someone displays an antagonistic or negative behaviour, consider it a blip, just a blip. The second time it happens from the same person, consider it a coincidence. The third time, consider it a pattern. As in, this is a pattern of entrenched behaviour that is not likely to change. I think that's really helpful to keep this rule of three in mind, not only in romantic relationships, but also in all relationships. The first time is a blip, the second a coincidence, the third a pattern. 


Sarah Elizabeth  21:16

And one of the most powerful concepts Dr Amani introduces in the book is radical acceptance. This is the idea of fully accepting reality as it is, warts and all, without trying to change it, fight it, deny it, in the context of dealing with narcissists. Radical acceptance means recognizing that we can not change the narcissist behaviour, and instead, we need to focus on how we respond to it. She argues that many people waste so much valuable time and energy trying to change or fix the narcissist which is completely fucking pointless. Radical acceptance allows us to acknowledge the situation for what it is and make decisions instead that protect us and our well being. And part of this means identifying and accepting multiple truths, several things can be true. And so it means not just looking at all these complex dynamics and relationships to a black and white lens, like I've said before. It can be and not all the not can be hateful and you love them. Life's complicated, and multiple things, opposing things, can all be true. So radical acceptance doesn't mean giving up, nor does it mean we have to be passive. It does mean making conscious choices about how to interact with the narcissist. It looks like us setting firm boundaries and accepting that some things are beyond our control, which is incredibly liberating and empowering, especially in situations where you feel trapped or hopeless, because it makes it feel like this is an active choice, which gives us an element of control when it's all been taken away from us. And I love one bit where the book tells us to not burn our umbrellas. And I think this is a good takeaway as well. It says the good days in narcissistic relationships can undercut your realistic expectations and radical acceptance when a day comes when they are bringing the charm, charisma and some performative empathy. Enjoy it for the sunny day it is, but don't burn your umbrellas. It will soon rain again, because remember, the narc cannot change and moving into radical acceptance of that shifts things for us, and the book goes into how to manage it when you stay in a relationship with a narcissist, you know, recognizing that it's not as easy to air quotes just leave it may be because of kids or money or housing or culture or limitation of systems like criminal justice systems. It's not always as easy as saying, just leave then, and the book talks through this family members as well. It's not always as straightforward as saying you're cutting them out. And the book talks through understanding the sympathetic nervous system response and fight flight freeze as a formal response and how we can regulate this and talk through barriers to healing as well. What's stopping us healing? 


Sarah Elizabeth  24:48

There's so many tools in the book. Honestly, Dr Ramani gives us loads. I'd love for you to come and join the divorce book club and listen back to all. Episodes, truly, there is so much in terms of practical ideas that we can actually use, like there were several different ideas for various lists in fostering radical acceptance, as well as a load of grief rituals. There's also a bit on firewalling, which is a great analogy to safeguard yourself in the way that you put safeguards in computer systems to protect the malware you're fire putting that firewall in for yourself as you talk through grey rocking and yellow rocking, which, again, we've covered on this pod, but also talks through low contact, as opposed to no contact, low contact, especially with family members that you can't quite get rid of. And Dr Ramani also gives us the deep technique, which is for us to hold on to in order to protect ourselves if we end up interacting with a narc in any way. And I love this. And deep is another easy to remember acronym, which means don't go deep and stands for defend, engage, explain, personalize, so we're not going deep. Don't defend, don't engage, don't explain and don't personalize. The narcissist will manipulate anything you say, because it's essentially supply to them, right? It's like a fucking game, except if you don't play, there's nobody from to play with. Now, actually said on a social media post recently about chess, a narcissist playing with us is like the playing the game of chess. He's over there playing all these strategic moves and thinking of the next move in the next move and the next move, and how we can keep control. But if you don't play the game back, he's stuck. There ain't no more moves he can play. He can't win if you don't play. And I'm saying he might be a she. So do not go deep. Don't get drawn into the game. And Dr Ramani also talks about prepare and release, a bit like warming up and stretching before then after exercise, short, quick things you can do in preparation for and to recalibrate after interactions with a narc. And she ends the book with a chapter on rewrite your story, which is very apt, considering how we started this episode, and is massively empowering in reclaiming ourselves after narcissistic abuse. The Books littered throughout with real life examples from her clients, each with their own stories of surviving the narcissist and reclaiming their lives from toxic relationships. Every chapter has stories, and the stories really do provide extra, super valuable lessons on how to recognize and deal with narcissists in different contexts, whether that's romantic relationships or with family dynamics or workplace settings, honestly, understanding narcissism and practicing radical acceptance and healing proper deep healing is life changing. It allows us to protect ourselves, make informed decisions and focus on our well being, which ultimately will change our future. It's not you. It's truly such a valuable resource for anyone dealing with toxic relationships. 


Sarah Elizabeth  28:32

So I know today has been a bit of a super quick whistle stop tour of the book, but I hope it's giving you a snapshot of the wealth of knowledge as well as practical advice that you get with this book. And if you found today's episode helpful, please do share it with someone who might benefit from it. And if you haven't already it again, do think about coming and joining us in the Book Club, where you'll get not only the back catalogue for it's not you, but also all the other books we've done so far to truly rewrite your story. Plus, of course, September's book, which we started last week, is never too late to join. We're doing a divorce one this month with getting past your breakup by Susan J Elliott, which is shaping up to be yet another great book for flipping the script on a divorce plot twist. This is whole blueprint for healing. So do join us for that. And if you do have any questions or want to know anything about the book club, do email me, Sarah at the divorce book club.com and there's all the links are in the show notes as well down below. And also, why not sign up to the mailing list while you're at it for weekly emails of the Friday chapter, which is different to what's on here and what's on social media. So there's lots of ways to join the community and find your very own happy ever after. My mission, as always, is just to rewrite our divorce stories. And just as I started this episode, we can't go back in time, but we. Can we really can change what comes next. So thank you, as always, for taking the time to listen. And I do hope that snapshot of the book has helped you. Today, I will be back in your beautiful earbuds again next week. So until then, I am sending you so much love from me. 

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Sarah Elizabeth

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