The Divorce Chapter

EP55 Breaking Free from Traditional Roles: Divorce, Abuse, and Male Privilege

• Sarah Elizabeth • Episode 55

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OK so this week is a bit of a hopefully powerful, but definitely no-holds-barred conversation about reclaiming your strength and exposing male privilege in relationships. I may go ever so slightly off-piste on my soapbox (!) but I genuinely feel that it is important that we talk about this stuff.

We talk in the episode about how male privilege impacts not just relationships, but society as a whole. What are the ‘modern’ views on gender norms? And what does this mean for power and control of women? We touch on issues like the rise of the "trad wife" trend and how societal shifts still struggle to break free from patriarchal values.

Using the Power and Control Wheel, we look at the influence of male privilege in abusive dynamics and how this can fuel this control over women - but also how this is almost facilitated by our societal culture. 

As a bit of an intro to all of this, we also touch on why Friday the 13th is secretly a day of female power (and how to reclaim it!) 👑

Whether you’re navigating the challenges of divorce, supporting a friend through it, or simply interested in a bit of thought-provoking conversation on how women can reclaim their power, challenge traditional roles, and rewrite their stories, especially post-divorce, this episode offers some insights into recognising different forms of control and inspiring women to take charge of their lives with confidence.

This is an example of the Power and Control Wheel:

https://www.norfolk.gov.uk/article/43699/Power-and-control-wheel


Also, as always, please please please do seek the proper support: 

Women's Aid: Offers support services and a directory of local domestic abuse services.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/

Refuge: Provides emergency housing, support, and advocacy for women and children escaping domestic violence.

https://refuge.org.uk/

National Domestic Abuse Helpline: A 24-hour helpline offering confidential support and advice.

https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/contact-us/

These are all UK based ones but please do look out for support services in the country/State you are in. 


I hope you take something away from the episode, and please, if you do enjoy it, please please please help a gal out and rate and review the episode! Thank you 🥰

And if you’re wanting to go even more into taking back our power and owning our independence, why not check out September’s book (Getting Past your Breakup by Susan J Elliott) in the Divorce Book Club; the link is down below ⬇️

Do let me know if you want any more details about the book club - or indeed about anything divorce/break-up related.

Until next week then you absolute QUEEN 👑 sending you loads of love,

Sarah x

🌸

THE DIVORCE BOOK CLUB
 
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FREE Guide to the 10 MUST read divorce books after divorce

https://thedivorcebookclub.com/free-resources/

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Hello and welcome to the divorce chapter podcast where we turn the gut wrenching pain of divorce into power. From shit show to the ultimate glow, we're taking back our power as the fucking queens that we are, that you are and talking all things power. We had last week's episode, rewriting our stories from the narcissist and this week is kind of taking a bit of an element of this and looking at the power and control wheel, but in more of an in depth look at a particular part of this, which is male privilege. But first, quickly, I did want to touch on another kind of power, albeit a little bit tenuously linked to the whole male privilege thing, the power that is Friday 13th, as today, the day the episode drops, is indeed Friday 13th. Now, I don't know about you, but I've never had that much of an issue with Friday the 13th. And it may be because my youngest son was born on the 13th, although he was also born at 333, as in half the devil. But we move. My mum also had a 13th birthday, as does my eldest niece. So I don't really have an issue with it, but I know so many people do have such an issue with it. So because I'm a bit random, I looked up the history of Friday the 13th and got that there was even a name to describe the irrational dread of the date. paraskevidekatriaphobia or something like that, spell that's when you're pissed. It's a specialised form of triskaidekaphobia, which is a fear of number 13. Who knew? So there you can sleep at night now knowing that. So the date of Friday the 13th is often associated with bad luck and superstition, but did you know that its origins are actually quite empowering for women? The fear surrounding Friday the 13th actually has roots in both pagan and Christian traditions, but much of this fear was influenced by patriarchal societies trying intentionally to suppress female power. Shocker, so in pagan cultures, the number 13 was revered as a powerful feminine number. It corresponds to the number of lunar cycles a year, and was closely associated with female energy, as well as the menstrual cycle, because our goddamn menstrual cycles tie in with the moon. So 13 is great for women and in ancient societies, the goddess Freya, from whom we get the name Friday was celebrated on this day. Freya was the Norse goddess of love, fertility and magic. Her day, Friday, combined with the sacred number 13, actually made Friday the 13th, a day of celebration and female empowerment, but always a fucking but with men, with the rise of patriarchal structures, these positive connotations were well and totally stamped out, because God help us if women have power and so the number 13, and particularly Friday the 13th, were recast almost as symbols of bad luck and evil as part of the bigger picture to diminish the power and influence of women in society by turning a day that celebrated female strength into one that's feared and avoided so the old patriarch could further control and subdue women, couldn't they? And actually, although Friday 13th may feel like a rare phenomenon, our now Gregorian calendar decided by some Pope in the 1700s to change our entire fucking calendar from what it was, which was always in alignment with the natural world. But anywho the calendar now does actually mean that for 13th of any month is slightly more likely to fall on a Friday than any other day of the week. And apparently, because I well and truly went down a Google plug hole with this one, Friday 13th is also not a universal superstition. In Greece and Spanish speaking countries, it's apparently Tuesday the 13th, that's considered a day of bad luck. While in Italy, it's Friday the 17th that's met with fear. Who knew? So maybe, as with all other beliefs that it's down to the meaning we've attributed to something. It doesn't mean its bloody true. So whether you see it as good or bad, unlucky or magic, however you've seen Friday the 13th, we can actually reclaim its power as a reminder of our strength and our connection to natural cycles and our ability to overcome societal constraints as women go us, and so we can choose to go back to the empowering roots of Friday the 13th and use it as a symbol of resistance against the goddamn forces that try to hold us down. And speaking of resistance and empowerment. Now we've had the history spiritual lesson that nobody ever asked for. Let's move into the main theme of today's episode, the power and control wheel, and in particular, male privilege. Now the power and control wheel is a tool that is great for understanding dynamics in abusive relationships and reclaiming your power. So whether you're coming in a difficult situation or looking to support someone who is the power and control wheel, offers us some valuable insights and practical strategies to help us. And it was developed by some people called Ellen Pence and Michael Dahmer as part of a domestic abuse intervention project in Minnesota in the 80s. And it's a tool that highlights the tactics used by abusers to maintain control over their victims. Now, some of this we did cover a few weeks back in the episode about the hidden red flags of domestic abuse, but I really do think it's so important to keep reminding ourselves of this in different ways and think about different ways of looking at it and help it really become, I suppose, easier to recognise and understand. Right? And after last week's episode on narcissism and looking at some of those traits and behaviours, I figured it was worth another look from the perspective of this power and control wheel, as it covers the patterns that can underpin abusive relationships. So this wheel was divided into several segments, like each representing a different form of abuse or control. And it's really useful because it helps to identify the various forms of abuse that might not be immediately recognized in a focused, easy to understand format. Like so, many people still think of domestic abuse solely in terms of physical violence, but the power and control wheel really highlights that abuse can also be psychological, emotional and economic, and as I always say, understanding these different forms of abuse is crucial for recognising and addressing them.  So let's just touch very quickly on all the other elements of the power and control wheel to kind of understand some of the tactics used by abusers and how we can recognize and address them. And then we're going to focus a bit more on male privilege. But as I said, I did focus more on most of these a few weeks back. So do go back and check out those episodes. Also in the show notes, I'm going to leave a link to an example of the power and control wheel to there's one that I found that was used by Norfolk County Council in the UK that kind of shows it pretty well. So I'll leave that down below in the show notes as well. So the first part of the wheel we're going to look at is using intimidation, which involves using fear to control the victim, and that might be destroying property, displaying weapons, making threatening gestures, or using a threatening tone or making that face. So if you find yourself constantly scared shitless of your partner's reactions, or feel like you're walking on eggshells, this could be a sign of intimidation. So in terms of managing that, it's really important to try to safely document incidents of intimidation and get support. So whether that's from your support squad or professionals, consider as well, developing a safety plan if you feel physically threatened, because that's really important. And again, I'll leave the links in the show notes for agencies in the UK that will be able to help with this. Next up on the wheel. We've got emotional abuse, which involves undermining our self worth and self esteem and might look like name calling, criticism, humiliation. If your partner's words or actions make you feel worthless and just depressed, you may well be experiencing emotional abuse. It's important to practice self care, and again, you. Get support from your support squad. And it's definitely also worth trying therapy too to help kind of rebuild that self esteem and give you some coping strategies. Then we've got isolation, which is controlling what we do, who we see, who we talk to, where we go, and that can also include limiting outside involvement, so they might insist on spending all your time together, or stopping you from having contact with friends and family. So if the partner restricts your interactions with others, monitors your activities, that could be a sign of isolation. So you do need to stay safe if you're going to secretly maintain connections with those friends and family and use technology discreetly, plan safely. Next on the wheel we've got minimising, denying and blaming, because abusers often minimise the seriousness of their actions and deny that any abuse occurred or blame The victim for their behaviour, and I explained Darvo back in that previous episode too, where they deny everything, attack you instead, and turn you from victim into the offender trying to make themselves as some kind of innocent in the situation. So if your partner frequently downplays your concerns, denies their abusive behaviour and or says it's your fault you may well be experiencing this abusive tactic. So do try and keep a record of incidents and your feelings, because having that kind of documented evidence helps to validate your experiences. When you do get help, right? Then we've have using children to manipulate you or make you feel guilty about the children, or using the children to relay messages, like using the children in some way as a kind of pawn. And again, it's all about the control, and it probably is going to be necessary to take legal advice with this one, to get your rights, and again, make sure you document everything, which I know is super, super hard, but you do need to try and keep it as factual as you can, because when the kids are involved, it heightens the emotions more than anything else. And if we if we're going to be able to fight back properly, we need to get our wits about us. Then we've got financial or economic abuse and controlling our access to financial resources, which makes us completely financial dependent, or in my case, completely screwed. And again, I went in deep on the whole episode on this one. But if your partner controls all the finances, withholds the money, prevents you from working, you may well be experiencing economic abuse. So try, if you can, to open a separate bank account, start saving money discreetly, take what opportunity can to get some financial independence. Next up on the wheel, coercion and threats making and or carrying out, threats to do something to hurt you, threatening to leave, threatening to end their life, reporting you to social services, again, it's all about the power and control and if your partner frequently threatens you or uses threats in an attempt to control your behaviour, this is coercion. So again, get some legal advice, create a safety plan, get the support from the domestic abuse agencies and document all threats as it may well end up with you needing to consider some kind of restraining order, and I'm really conscious that I super quickly whizzed through them, because, as I said, we've done previous episodes on all of that. There's episode 44 which was on the financial abuse, and episode 51 on the other areas of domestic abuse. So do make sure that you go back and check them out in detail, and do make sure you get the help you need. And the risk of repeating myself again, I'm going to leave all the links in the show notes.  Now the last segment, if you like, of the power and control wheel, and the main one I wanted to focus on today is male privilege. So what exactly is male privilege in relation to this power and control wheel? It essentially involves treating you like some kind of servant. They'll make all the big decisions, they'll act like the master of the fucking castle and basically be the one to define men's and women's roles in the relationship, and this male privilege is a critical aspect of the power and control wheel because it really, I guess, represents how societal norms and gender roles can be manipulated. And to maintain some kind of dominance over women, and this form of control, really, I think, stems from deeply ingrained patriarchal values that have given men inherent advantages in various facets of life, but including relationships and in an abusive dynamic, male privilege manifests in several ways. The bloke will often assume the role of the ultimate authority within the household. They'll make unilateral decisions without consulting you. It might involve controlling your finances or dictating your daily activities, but making significant life choices without considering their female partners input. It's that coercive control. Again, it could be a man dismissing or belittling our achievements and ambitions, because by undermining our confidence and self worth, they maintain control, and it ensures fucking subservience, right? This kind of behaviour essentially, kind of reinforces the idea that the man's opinions and desires are paramount. They're top dog, the women's contributions are completely devalued. And I think this is the thing, the thing that keeps coming out. It's the devaluation of us in relationships that is a key factor coming out time and time and time and time and time again.  But also, and I think that's the part of male privilege I kind of wanted to focus on today is it also about the devaluation of women in society, more generally, and also for women going through a divorce as I think this adds to this kind of shame bullshit that's almost put on us, like there's this kind of view, almost, that women should tolerate all sorts of shit in order to stay married. And I call bullshit on that. Fuck that. But more widely, again, it's this patriarchal society that we've been raised in that has so heavily influenced our culture and our society so goddamn much, it's like it's indoctrinated us, as well as the blokes. And this male privilege is in the sense of this power and control element, also often around the expectation of traditional gender roles, like he may insist that the woman performs all the domestic duties, all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the childcare, regardless of her personal preferences or professional commitments. It creates dependency on a man. I mean, do you know what it was only in 1974 1974 1974 in my fucking lifetime, the women could get a mortgage, a bank account, a credit card, without a male signatory. Until 1974 they had to have a husband or a father. I mean, What the actual fuck? Oh, that's the 50th anniversary, 50th anniversary of female financial freedom. Thank fuck, jeez. But I suppose that was in an era coming out of where women were expected to be, housewives were expected to be dependent on men. Because I suppose the traditional role of the wife has potentially undergone pretty significant evolution in modern society, right? Like there's broader changes in gender roles and economic structures and social norms, where historically, women were primarily seen as homemakers and caregivers responsible for managing the household and raising children, while men served as the primary breadwinners, and that kind of division of labour was deeply embedded in patriarchal societies, where men held authority and power, both in the public sphere and within the family home. So in a patriarchal society, the dependency of women or men was both a cultural expectation and an economic necessity. Women had limited access to education and employment opportunities, which reinforced that financial dependence on their husbands. And like I said, this was backed up by law that restricted women from owning property, having a credit card, let alone a woman, heaven forbid, to divorce a man for being a complete lying, cheating abusive wanker, they just had to put up with it. This legal and economic dependence meant that women had little to no autonomy and were often trapped in marriages, regardless of the quality of that marriage or the treatment they may have received. So male privilege in this context was huge. Men controlled resources, they made decisions, they enjoyed freedoms that were denied to women, and this privilege was not just personal, but institutional societal structures favoured men in virtually every aspect of life, from the workplace to the home and the traditional wife role substantiated this freaking male privilege by maintaining a system where men were the providers, women were the dependents, and we thank fuckity Fuck that shit's changed, I mean, to a point, has it changed? I dunno I think there's still some legacy of all this. It's still got a long way to go, I think, but I suppose, at least now we as women have got much better access to education and career opportunities, which helps our financial independence, and this alone has enabled us to make choices about marriage and about divorce that were not available to previous generations, although it does also bring to light the ongoing issues of economic disparity as women, particularly those who had to take time out of the workforce to raise children, may still face financial challenges post Divorce, and that's even without the gender gap in most jobs, even in 2024 but I'm ranting a bit, but the impact of these changes on male privilege is still really complex, because men still often benefit from societal structures that favour them, the increasing economic and social independence of women challenges these traditional dynamics of power and dependency, and that shift forces a reevaluation of gender roles within marriages and families, which a lot of men don't like.  And don't even get me started on fucking Andrew Tate, basically, some kind of weird influencer promoting dominance, manipulation and violence to women and young boys and men are following this shit. I talk about young boys. When I lived in my previous house, I'd go for a walk every day, and this meant often going past the local secondary school. Now, I generally tried to avoid the end of the school day for my walk, but sometimes with meetings and whatever it was unavoidable. And so when I was caught up in the school throw out time, what I began to notice was that if I was walking against the flow of kids, girls in a group would tend to move to the side of the pavement and allow me to pass. Boys did not fucking move. They would push past me rather than move. One kid, I remember, one kid knocked my coffee cup out of my hands, spilling coffee all down me, one really fucking roughly pushed against my arm. It was like this whole air of disrespect from these boys of me as a woman, and it honestly made me wonder how they behaved in the school. Do they walk around the school just pushing fucking girls out the way, like the boys come first. It's almost like a kind of mentality. And why? Why is that? Where does that come from? Is that a generational thing? And you know, where were women in this you know, I know there are still so many countries in this world today where women are subpar in society. Still, they can't go out without their husbands. Women can't do this, they can't do that, they can't wear this, they can't wear that.  And we are so lucky in the western world that we've had strong women fighting for our equality, though, sadly, in my view, sadly, anyway, there does seem to be this rise again in young women seemingly wanting traditional wife roles. Are they choosing this? I can't tell. It's called the Trad wife trend. It's actually a movement where some women, young women, are seemingly choosing to embrace traditional gender roles and going completely against the more progressive feminist ideals that have taken so long to get given granted in modern society. So the term Trad wife is short for traditional wife, and it refers to these women who focus on domestic duties like cooking, cleaning, caring for the kids, while their husbands take on the role of breadwinner and the ideal of stay at home wife is central to this, and it seems from my research anyway, that many Trad wives are rejecting these modern feminist principles, particularly those that advocate for women to prioritize careers and independence over traditional family roles, and appear to argue that feminism has devalued the importance of homemaking and has contributed to the breakdown of family structures. And this shit is huge on social media platforms where influencers sharing their lifestyles and homemaking tips and philosophies, and these platforms have really helped to popularise the movement. And look, of course, it's about choice, but there is a bit of me that wonders where it came from. Where did this start? Then maybe for men? I guess I've always fought a bit against the Trad wife shit. I don't know. Maybe it's just me, I suppose. For me, I guess my mum was maybe a bit ahead of the game as she went back to work and was not a Trad wife. And for me, actually, as a child, that pissed me off, because I wanted actually, it wasn't just my mum. I wanted. I wanted my mum or dad to be available. But I hated it on school trips and shit. Everyone else always had a parent. My mum and dad never bloody came. But I think it wasn't about the gender of the parent. It wasn't about wanting my mum or my dad. It wasn't about the gender. I just wanted a parent available. So when I then had kids, I made the choice for me to be at home during the day with the kids, be available to them in the younger years, anyway, but I suppose I also had the standards set for my mum to be a working mother, and so I still also chose to do all sorts of shit around them in the evenings. I worked and I was available. That was my choice. Thank fuck I had the choice. And then when my kids went to school, I then did my degree, then went through my master's, then in my career, and that was the way that my ex and I chose to do it. And when I started my career, it was actually him that then adjusted his business to make himself available after school and be there for the children. It wasn't about the gender, it was about the choice. And maybe these Trad wives are choosing it, I don't know, but what else comes with that choice is, I suppose, what worries me, can you have that kind of 50s lifestyle without male privilege, eking out into power and control? I don't know.  And I guess, too, it's about role modelling. I like I was role modelled by having a working mum, and then I role modelled that too for my kids. And you know, I think part of the thing is about our parenting and or adulting, and what we're role modelling, whether it's working or anything else, like, what examples are we setting our children, our grandchildren? Are we staying in a marriage because of a traditional role or generational beliefs about a woman's place bullshit. I guess I'm just really conscious in this space of divorce, infidelity, domestic abuse, where women see themselves, and what power men then take in that arena. And I guess I feel like we as women and divorced women have got a responsibility, actually, our daughters, our granddaughters, our great granddaughters, even if we haven't got kids, I'm talking metaphorical daughters, the world's daughters. I've got two sons, but I raised them. I wanted to raise my sons in a way that they're respectful to women, that they treat women well and appropriately and support choice. And in fairness, as much as I've knocked him on this podcast, my ex husband, for most of our marriage, did treat me well with respect and and I was always a strong woman with my own independence outside of the marriage as well, always had to have my own independence, although, actually, you know what, I had a date once that told me that that's maybe why my marriage ended. But you know what? If that's the case, I'm fucking glad it did, because I'm not having any man change me to fit into some fucking traditional role that I have to be subservient to a fucking bloke. Do you know what I remember once, when I was married, we built an extension from my parents inheritance, and I was designing the kitchen to go in it. We had this bloke round from some company. It went through all the design of this proposed kitchen with me. Pretty much ignored my ex, that whole bit, except when it came to talking. Money. This prick turned his back to me and looked at my ex, who, to be fair, went it's no good looking at me. She paying for it. This bloke could not get it. Needless to say, he did not get a sale out of me. And as I see it, I don't know it's purely my personal view, this whole Trad wife movement thing, does it just serve to reinforce patriarchal structures, promoting a return to gender roles that limit women's opportunities and freedoms, women in the kitchen, men in the business, and in doing that, in this tradwife trend, are we somehow going back to a time where women will take all sorts of shit from a man just to stay married, from some kind of rose tinted spec lens of the 50s or something, but completely ignoring the inequalities that women faced during those times, including limited legal rights and lack of economic independence. For me, I don't know. I just think it's a huge step backward in the fight for gender equality, and I don't get it. It, you know, is it not somehow reflecting some kind of belief that men are better and smarter than women?  Which takes us back to this whole power and control thing, which ends up feeling that it can feel like men are somehow always competing with us. I don't know what they're proving. They're fucking bigger or better or something, and I realize these are massively, massively complex dynamics in the face of hundreds of years of male privilege and power and control, and it's messy, and I'm jumping around different parts of this, but I don't know, just somehow I feel it's all connected, because it's it's not just in these gendered roles in the home, but it spills over into violence as well. There's a huge amount out there right now about violence against women and girls, including domestic abuse. And you know what? You can guarantee that if this is spoken about in the media in any way, there's always, always comments from men, going, Oh, but what about the men? Nobody is disputing that anyone can be a victim, and absolutely male victims should be equally able to access support. But there is no denying the fact that this is a gendered crime. This is gendered violence. I got sent these stats in an email from women's aid right. In the year, I think this is UK, in the year ending March 2023 in domestic abuse related prosecutions. 92% of the prosecutions were men. 78% of the victims were female. In 74.7% of female domestic homicides the suspect was a male partner or ex partner, whereas in male domestic homicides, 66% of the perpetrators was a male family member. Violence is by and large, by men on women. But what? We're not allowed to talk about it, because men don't like it? Oh, but what about them? I've had this nuts too, in the whole Black Lives Matter thing as well. You'd get idiots going. Oh, but what about the whites? Like, honestly, that's white privilege. I support Motor Neurone Disease Association because my mum died of it, and it's a fucking horrendous disease. I pay money. I support them. I don't pay money to British Heart Foundation, not because hearts are not very important, not because they don't do great work as a charity, I just can't physically or financially support every bloody charity. You don't even hear a mental health charity going, Oh, but cancer gets all the attention. Do you? I don't know it just don't make sense to me. But anyway, violence against women is gendered, and I can't help but feel that a lot of this is from some kind of inherent culture of women being subservient to men. Men don't have the control that they used to, but there's still this generational belief that has infected society. So what other ways to try and retain control, and even if a man isn't violent, but also doesn't really do much to oppose this male control, this male privilege, then aren't they just a passive acceptor of this shit? Then they say misogyny benefits all men, even the quiet ones.  I've gone off on a massive tangent there, but the point is, I don't actually know what my point is as women in society. Society. What are we teaching our daughters and granddaughters about what is acceptable for men? Should they stay in marriages where they're abused? What are we teaching our sons and grandsons about how to treat women, about what's acceptable? And I'm not talking about the bloody Disney diet either, because I suppose I was like born in the 70s, coming out of this era where women had no rights and moving into having rights and but they'd played this traditional role, and then it was kind of the start of this mad Disney era. Somewhere in the crossover, there remained this stain of this idea that women need to be saved by men. We are nobody without Prince Charming, even if he's more like some evil twat behind closed doors. And look, I know it might sound a bit like it right now, but it's not about hating men like it's not, I don't hate men at all, and I suppose that's kind of almost the message that I'm trying to share. That is not about hating men, but it is about putting us on an equal footing and recognizing that we have so much about us as women, that we have a right not to be controlled, that we have a right to have some power, that we have a right not to stay in abusive relationships, that we have choices, that we can do be have whatever the hell we want and we haven't got male privilege looming over us, trying to control that and take our power away.  I don't know, I've talked about this before, but I think we're like acorns, right? You know, acorns are blueprinted to become oak trees. They're not going to be an apple tree, they're not going to be a blossom tree, they're not going to be anything other than a goddamn tree. But in order to be an oak tree, they need to be given the right environment in which to grow. You can't put an acorn in the corner of your living room and expect the fucker to grow into a tree. Can you? It's just not going to happen. It needs wind, it needs rain, it needs sun, you know, all the whatever nature, but needs all that to grow, right? And it's the same for us. And you know, I'm talking about trying to give my granddaughters an environment to grow into whatever they're blueprinted to be, but I think we're all blueprinted to grow into who we're going to be and have a destiny. But if we've been shoved in the corner of the living room because we're women, or because men want control, or because we're girls, and we're told that we can't possibly grow into that, because that's what Boy's do. That's what men do. They become the oak tree. We're stuck in the house. Then How the fuck are we ever gonna live our blueprint? So I guess, I suppose I just feel that as women, I want us to be challenging this whole male privileged thing, this power and control for men, and saying, actually, you know, let's get at the table. And it's not about pushing men off the table. It's about giving us a seat at the fucking table. That's what it's about. And some people don't get it. Some people really don't. And the people that don't are usually men who predominantly men who feel threatened and feel challenged by the rise of women, whatever you want to call it, they don't like it because it threatens their bloody status. And these men are raising sons to be like them, and raising daughters to end up with men like them, and how, how is that? Okay? Oh, so that's really what I'm all about, thinking about. There we go. I don't, I don't really know how that fits in with divorce. So it fits in with anything, but I went off on some kind of weird tangent soapbox there. I'm sorry about that.  Saying about doing, being, having what everyone recently, I was having a conversation with my oldest granddaughter, so one of the things that I would like to do is, well, I've written. I wrote. About two years ago, I wrote a journal, a guided journal for the blossom method, which is my blueprint for creating the best post divorce life. And I want to get that published. And I'm also thinking, actually about doing a journal to accompany the divorce book club, because there's so many takeaways in the books that we're reading that we need to remind ourselves of. But anyway, so I'm looking into publishing these journals. So I was talking about journals with my granddaughter has she's got a lady at her school that she talks to about her feelings and whatever, and this lady's encouraged her to keep a journal every night of how she's felt that day, and it's just like in this plain notebook. So I was having a chat with her about journals in general, and said that nanny also writes in a big notebook as a journal, but that there are also things called Guided journals, which have specific questions that you ask yourself every day to help guide your thinking. So if you're not sure what to write, a lot of people like a guided journal. And I said, Look, they're doing for kids as well. So I said to her, how about we do some research on what's out there? Think about what you would like in a guided journal, and then then I'll help you with it. And when I've learned how to do all this myself, we can publish yours as well as mine, and then you can make the money from your own guided journal and be a CEO. I mean, who better to know what kids want in a journal than a kid, right? So she's like, Yeah, okay, she heard the money bit. So I said, Well, you need to do some research, you know. So go on Amazon, have a look what's out there, what kind of things you like, what you don't like, what you want in your journal, what you think is stupid, what you think's Great. Make some notes, and that's your research, and then you can start thinking about developing your own journal and your style. So she started to look on me MacBook on Amazon, and she says to me, Nanny, can you take notes? I was like, what am I the admin? She went well, yeah, I am the CEO. And, oh, my God, I laughed. I did laugh. But actually, inside, I was like, Yes, girl, you go. You are the CEO. You can do this. I was so proud of that moment, very proud of that moment. And I don't know, you know what? What if she could be shown how to be a strong, independent, financially independent, badass boss lady, whatever she wants to be. Why not? I can show her that there's a choice. And if, if she wants to have a relationship and get married, fucking great, but she can be that too and have that too, but teach her respect how men should respect how she should be respected, teaching her that she's reliant on herself first and foremost. She's responsible for herself first and foremost. And what better role modelling is there than that?  Actually, you know what? No, I'm not sorry. I'm not sorry, because it's important we think about this stuff. I have always avoided these kinds of conversations. Always avoided them. It's never really actually been something on my agenda, because I suppose this, these whole feminist discussions, whatever. But I think that doing this work, both in divorce and work around domestic abuse has increasingly brought up this whole male privilege, this power and control thing, and kind of slapped me in the face to wake me up a bit, I guess. And where this male privilege also then sits on the power and control, let's bring it back to that. Let's get some kind of order to my man here. I think that it's really important that we can recognize male privilege in understanding and addressing and challenging these power imbalances. When we can look at male privilege for a lens of power and control over women, we can see that shit's Not okay. So I guess today's message in a very long, ranty way, with very little in the way of either structure or solution for this episode, my message, I suppose, is about trying to empower us as women, through education, through support, to do what we can to help counteract the effects of male privilege and promote equality in relationships, take back our power. If we want to be an independent woman, if we want to divorce because her husband's an arsehole, we should be able to do that with no fear or judgment, and maybe in some kind of very random way. This has helped to at least raise awareness of how male privilege functions as a potential form of power and control, and particularly, then how that within the context of relationships is really important to blow it open and challenge it. Challenge how it permeates society. And you know, look, it's just purely my opinions today. You don't have to accept them. You don't have to have them. I think it was Wayne Dyer who said, If I bought you a gift and you refuse to accept the gift, who does the gift belong to? And I'm just over here sharing a bit of random opinion, but you don't have to accept it. But I guess if there are any takeaways from today's episode, maybe we could all start to ask ourselves some of the challenging questions, how do we see the female role in marriage, in divorce? Are there perhaps areas of our lives where male privilege has some kind of power or control over us? Is there anything we can do to challenge that? If there's something more we can be doing to set the scene for our daughters and granddaughters, even if metaphorical, to live a more authentic, happy life where they're not treated like shit in relationships, where they can grow into the goddamn oak tree, is there something more we could be doing to support our sons and grandsons in supporting women to challenge male privilege. There's enough room for the oak trees here, boys, I don't know, just maybe a few questions we could ask ourselves. But look, I've rambled on endlessly for way too long. Now, I'd love to know your thoughts on this as well, but I'm going to leave it here for today as my soap box is well and truly worn out. I will be back in your beautiful earbuds next time with maybe a little bit more order and a bit less rant. But until then, stay safe. Stay strong and remember you do have the power to rewrite the story actually coming back to where we started, we can turn the pain into power. We can be fucking queens. That's it over and out. Thank you for listening. Thank you so much. If you're still here listening, you deserve a bloody medal love. Thank you very much. Until next time, I am sending you so 

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Sarah Elizabeth

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