EP57 Emotional Affairs: Healing the Wounds of Silent Betrayal

In this week’s episode of the Divorce Chapter, I dive deep into the topic of emotional affairs and the ‘silent’ betrayal. While physical affairs often steal the spotlight, 'invisible' emotional betrayal can be just as devastating, if not more so. 

I explore how these affairs often start as innocent friendships, slowly evolving into something more significant, ultimately crossing boundaries of trust and intimacy. We’ll discuss the signs of an emotional affair, the betrayal it represents, and the lasting impact it can have.

But most importantly, I focus on how we can heal after discovering an emotional affair. If you’ve walked away from a cheating partner, I share tools for validating your emotions, rebuilding trust in yourself, and creating a new future. Whether it’s self-compassion, setting boundaries, or finding closure within yourself, healing is possible—and I’m here to guide you through the process. 

Let’s talk about reclaiming your power, because you deserve better 👑

And whilst we’re all about turning divorce into our superpower…. We’ve chosen October’s book over in the Divorce Book Club.

How to Feel Better: 4 Steps to Self-Coach your way to a Happier, more Authentic Life, by Ruth Kudzi.

You can check out the book here: 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1801292582/ref=nosim?tag=thedivorceb00-21

Ruth is an amazing Coach who I’ve met and she just has SO Much knowledge ❤️

I’d love to have you join us 📚

We start on 1 October.

Link to join below ⬇️

Do let me know if you want any more details about the book club - or indeed about anything divorce/break-up related.

Until next week then you absolute QUEEN 👑 sending you loads of love,

Sarah x

🌸

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Chapters

• 0:00 Turning Divorce into our Superpower
• 3:05 What is an Emotional Affair?
• 6:36 What are the signs of an Emotional Affair?
• 13:24 The Grey Area
• 16:16 Trust is Way More than Physical Boundaries
• 18:58 So What Do we Do?
• 21:59 This is NOT on You
• 29:38 October in The Divorce Book Club

Transcript

00:00

Hello and welcome to the divorce chapter podcast where we turn divorce into our goddamn superpower. Who needs a cape when we can be our own Wonder Woman. And now this week, I want to focus on another aspect of betrayal in thinking about the emotional affair, because I think it's a topic that probably doesn't get as much air time as it should, as in emotional affairs versus physical affairs. Physical sexual affairs always seem to take the fucking spotlight. But in my view, emotional affairs can be equally damaging, and we should be talking about that now. I've got some opinions on this shocker. I get on my soapbox. If you're new here, welcome. But just to let you know, I can go off on a bit of a rant at times. But honestly, it's just because I get so fucking passionate that we as women put up with so much bullshit and I want to change that. I wasted so much of my life, my time, my energy, on bullshit for fucking idiots, and learning how to change that has truly changed my goddamn life, and that's what we're here for, right? No more bullshit for us. So with that in mind, I'm going to be honest with you, I do not believe in staying with a partner who has cheated, whether it's emotionally, physically, sexually, whatever. We're talking about, betrayal, trust and the significant fucking emotional harm it causes when that trust is broken. And you know, I don't think that's something to be taken lightly. So let's get into it. 

02:05

First off, let's start by thinking about what we mean by emotional and physical affairs. Right now, a physical affair is typically what people think of when they hear the word cheating, infidelity. Affair, it's a sexual intimacy with someone outside of the relationship, and it's it's often seen as the most clear cut form of infidelity, right? But emotional affairs also known as silent betrayal. These are more about that intimate connection with someone outside of the relationship, often in a way that replaces or overshadows the emotional bond with the actual partner. There may be no physical intimacy, but the emotional closeness, the secret communication, and often emotional dependency, is just as much of a betrayal. Unlike a physical affair, where there's a clear breach of agreed. You know, by virtue of signing up to a monogamous marriage, agreed, a breach of agreed physical and sexual boundaries, an emotional affair, though, is more insidious. It creeps into the relationship in really subtle ways, and often, it may well have started innocently enough that an emotional affair begins when one partner starts to form a deep emotional connection with someone outside of the relationship and just a casual friendship. It's an emotionally charged bond. They might start turning to this person for emotional support, for validation, even excitement that they no longer seek from their actual partner. And here's the thing, right, emotional affairs often do fly under the radar because there's no physical cheating. People can convince themselves that nothing happened, nothing happened, nothing happened, but the truth is, something did happen. They crossed a boundary, and the emotional intimacy now belongs to someone outside of the relationship. They've got it, and unlike a one night stand, for example, emotional affairs cannot be blamed on alcohol or in a bad decision making, that bullshit. In most cases, emotional affairs, purely emotional affairs aren't even about sex. They are about emotional fulfillment. This person becomes the confidant, the one they share their deepest thoughts and feelings with, and that that's the problem. Emotional affairs still involve secrecy and misplaced intimacy is in the wrong fucking place. 

05:33

So what does an emotional affair look like? How do we spot it? That emotional cheating? Well, I think unlike physical affairs, where there are clear, obvious boundaries that have been crossed. Emotional affairs probably can seem more ambiguous, I guess, but I think there are definite signs and patterns to look for, so like excessive texting or messaging, one of the clearest signs of an emotional affair is the constant communication. Now, it might start as harmless chatting, but when one partner is texting or messaging someone outside of the relationship all the time, especially at odd hours or in secret, it's a red flag. They might feel excited or anxious waiting for a response and then prioritise that, that response, that conversation, over spending time with and talking to the actual partner. They might share really bloody personal details and can find some really deep shit with someone. That might be sharing intimate fears, it might be their hopes, their frustrations, things that they should should be discussing with their partner, but instead are sharing with someone else, and that creates an emotional connection that feels almost exclusive. And also in emotional affairs, they might start comparing their partner unfavourably to the one they're emotionally involved with. They might think, oh, this person really gets me. Well, why can't my partner be more like them? And that fuels an emotional distance between the partner the actual partner. But secrecy is probably, for me, the major indicator of emotional cheating, because if your partner is deliberately hiding their relationship with someone else, deleting messages, not mentioning time spent together. Oh, did I mention that? Oh, no, I didn't mention that, downplaying the nature of the connection, but oh, we're only friends. What can't I have friends now? You know they know what they're doing is wrong on some level, and when someone is emotionally involved with another person, they tend to pull away from their current partner. There's less communication. There's fewer meaningful conversations, and it's a noticeable emotional distance. They might become more irritable, they might be disinterested in the relationship, and often will blame their partner for problems that didn't actually exist before, like, suddenly, like, this, this whole new world of shit, and we're like, What? What? What's going on, and they might start choosing the emotional affair partner over their actual partner in really small ways, like they might cancel plans with their partner to see this person, or spend more time focusing on that person's emotional needs instead of the relationship they're already fucking in. And I don't know, I think for me, one of the trickiest things about emotional affairs is that they're often rationalized as this. It's just a friendship, and the cheater might even say shit like you're being paranoid. Nothing's happening. We're just friends, but true friendships, actual proper true friendships, don't involve secrecy. They don't end up in an emotional withdrawal, and they don't have the kind of intimacy that emotional affairs do, and the line gets crossed when the relationship threatens the emotional stability of the the actual partnership, right, the proper relationship, so they might seem emotionally distant or disconnected, and they might stop opening up to you or having any meaningful conversation. Their attention is somewhere else. They've left the building. Their attention has left the building. They might be physically there, but their head's gone.They might start being really friggin protective of their phone, laptop or social media accounts and change their passwords and not let you know what it is like that shit. Red flag. That's the red flags all the way. It's not a fucking circus here love this is it? Emotional affairs thrive on secrecy.

10:39

So is your partner acting differently? Maybe they're dressing up more than usual, paying more attention to their appearance, or taking sudden interest in shit they never gave a shit about before, or because they want to impress this person that they're emotionally invested in. And if you try to talk to talk to them about this person that they're constantly chatting to or spending time with, they get defensive. That's another big warning sign in a healthy relationship, there's transparency, not defensiveness. And like I said, they might start subtly or overtly comparing you to this person, like maybe saying things like, oh, they just get me. They just get me in a way that you don't I can get I can talk to them about things I can't talk to you about. Like, those comparisons create so much fucking emotional distance. It can be really, really goddamn hurtful. And if they're constantly checking their phone, even during intimate moments with you again, huge, huge red flag. They might be emotionally checked out of the relationship and checking into the emotional bond they've already built with someone else. And it's important to remember too, that emotional affairs often develop over time. So it might, it might have started as some innocent friendship, but when that friendship becomes more significant than the relationship, yeah, ain't no longer in a sense that's gone, it's now threatening the foundation of trust and intimacy that a committed relationship is built upon.

12:23

And the thing is that emotional affairs often exist in a grey area, right? It's not quite as black and white as sex with someone else. People involved in emotional affairs may not even realise, or probably more likely not want to admit that they're crossing boundaries. They'll tell themselves, I've done anything wrong. I'm not sleeping with this person, but the emotional investment is there, and that that's what counts, that denial or rationalisation is one of the reasons emotional affairs are so damaging, because there's no physical intimacy, they might feel totally justified in continuing the relationship, even as their partner feels increasingly betrayed and isolated. And I guess this is the thing, for me, emotional affairs erode trust. It's like fucking acid eroding the trust in such a subtle, gradual way that by the time the damage is done, it's often too late to easily repair it, and that is why I feel that emotional affairs are subtle, but so fucking dangerous to a relationship, and people tend to brush off the emotional affairs. It's not as bad as sex. It's not that bad, but that, in my view, is a massive misconception. Emotional cheating, I think, is about violating trust on a deep, intimate level. Sometimes it's even worse, because there are confiding hopes and fears and dreams with someone who's not even their fucking partner. And obviously there's a trauma in both types of affairs. But I just think it's a misconception, a misunderstanding, a misplaced view that a physical affair is inherently more damaging. And while yes, the idea of your partner being physically intimate, fucking, having sex with someone else, it's incredibly painful. I know, I know. I've been there, I know, but I do think that an emotional affair can be just as traumatic, if not more, in some ways. Like I said, when someone's having a physical affair, there's this clear boundary, you know what's happened. But with emotional affairs, this is fucking grey area, the harder to spot, harder to define, and often but much, much, much harder to bloody process. Emotional cheating strikes at the very heart of your relationship. It damages the one connection that you thought was sacred, right,

15:15

Which kind of brings us to an important comparison. Because think about how we compare emotional abuse versus physical abuse. People often consider physical abuse worse, but anyone who's experienced emotional abuse knows that the scars left by emotional harm run fucking deep long after any bruises have healed. And I had both. And for me, the emotional damage was fucking huge, because it chips away at your self worth, your confidence. It leaves long term emotional damage. And the same for me applies to emotional affairs, the betrayal of trust, the lies, the fucking lies and secrecy create deep, emotional wounds that are really difficult to heal. It's not just an innocent friendship because there's no sex. It's way more than that. You know, why is it such a big issue for me? One word trust, trust. Trust is the foundation of any relationship. For me, once that's broken, relationships never the same again, ever, and that emotional cheating is so dangerous because it involves that secrecy, the breach of trust. They're sharing parts of themselves with someone else, parts that should be with you, and when that trust is broken, whether it's for emotional or physical infidelity, it fucks the very core of the relationship. And people will argue that no lines were crossed with emotional cheating. But let's be clear, trust is about way more than just physical boundaries, it's about openness, loyalty, keeping your emotional energy within the relationship. If your partner's seeking emotional fulfillment elsewhere, that's fucking again, massive red flag.

17:17

So what do you do if you find out your partner's had an emotional fear, like it's heartbreaking, it's freaking soul destroying, and it's so easy to feel lost, and I'll be honest, I'll say it again, I don't believe you should say with someone who's cheated, whether it's emotionally or physically, Why? Because betrayal was betrayal. Trust once broken is incredibly difficult to rebuild. Some people might choose to work through that shit, and that's their choice. Personally, I don't understand that choice. Why would you let someone destroy everything you know and you value and then expect them to value you again after they've devalued you in the worst possible way. I don't get it. I don't get it. For me, I don't get it. But anyway, let's try and be helpful. How do we heal from this shit? So first, I think for me, it's crucial, absolutely fucking crucial, to validate your pain and how God damn deep that pain is. It's okay to feel hurt, betrayed, angry, it's bloody normal, but because other people minimise this shit, we can end up trying to convince ourselves we have no right to feel betrayed, which is bullshit. This is betrayal, and you have every right to feel all of it. So accepting your feelings is the first step towards healing, because your emotions are valid, and it's so important to give yourself permission to grieve the loss of trust, the relationship, and even the future that you imagined with the ex. Right? Many people struggle so much to move past the betrayal because they don't fully acknowledge the weight of their emotions. It's like pinning them down, holding them back. You know you have to take the time to sit with your feelings and understand this is all part of the natural healing process, and during the aftermath of the emotional affair, it's really easy to fall into self blame or hyper criticism, and that's where self care and self compassion come in, because you need to treat yourself with the same kindness you'd extend your best mate going through the exact same situation. You wouldn't be telling them just to get over it, would you? You wouldn't be saying it's nothing to them, would you, it's. Focus on being bloody kind to yourself, focusing, nourishing your your mind, your body, your soul. You know, whether that's meditation, exercise, journaling, reconnecting, socializing, whatever it means, just start to find ways to nurture you,

20:20

and that self compassion also means forgiving yourself for any perceived failings in this relationship, because it's so common to ruminate endlessly on this crappy thought loop that we talked about last week. On last week's episode, we replay conversations or events over and over and over and over in our heads, wondering what we should have done. Could have done differently, but please, please, please remember the affair was a choice made by him. It was absolutely not a reflection of your worth. Your value remains completely intact, and the healing process is about remembering that this was his choice, not yours. Imagine, right? You're having a party at your house, right? You've got this beautiful vase sitting on the entrance table, right? I don't know, wherever beautiful vase, right? Family heirloom handed down through generations of your family, and some guest comes along, someone that you previously trusted, and whether it's out of carelessness, recklessness, they're pissed whatever whatever reason, they knock that vase flying. They smash it to the floor, and it shatters into 1000s of tiny little bits. Right. now, the fact that this person broke the vase says nothing about the vase. The vase was valuable. It was strong, it was beautiful. Before they knocked it over, they broke it, and it didn't break because of any flaw in the vase. It broke because of their actions. And the same applies to relationships. When someone chooses to betray or hurt you, they choose to they are choosing to betray or hurt you, but it doesn't mean that there's something wrong with you or that you're not worthy, just like the vase, your value remains intact despite someone else's decision to break the trust or the love that you've given them, their actions are reflection on them, not of you or who you are or your worth, right? And one of the hardest parts of healing after an emotional fail or any affair is rebuilding trust as well, right? And often, it's not just about trusting others, it's about trusting yourself. Because you might start to think shit like, How did I miss that? Why did I see that one come in and those thoughts fuck you up even more, because the path to rebuilding trust starts with trusting your own judgment. Again, it takes time. It does. I'm not going to lie to you. It takes time and a lot of energy, but if you can start to reflect on the strength that you show during and after the relationship, acknowledge the resilience it took to fucking walk away. That shit takes strength, that shit takes guts. Your values are still loyalty, honesty, integrity, just because he didn't value that doesn't change that your values still matter, and how you embody them in your own life. Start to do that helps to rebuild that foundation of self, trust, setting boundaries, taking your time. Trust like healing. It can't be forced. It's okay to be cautious while she steady yourself again, right?

23:54

And what about that bloody word closure? Again? Write down closure on me, on my things to mention, and I think, oh, good closure. But it's normal to want closure after an emotional affair, but often the true closure doesn't come from the person who betrayed you. Waiting for them to explain themselves or apologize or whatever other crap keeps you stuck, just like we talked about in last week's episode. Healing is about finding closure within you. And like we said before, one really powerful tool in this process is about reframing, instead of looking at the end of the relationship as purely a loss. Think about what it taught you about you. What strengths have you discovered? What new standards will you set for your future, for future relationships, even closure comes from integrating the lessons learned and moving forward with a deeper understanding of your own worth and. And ultimately, healing from an emotional fit isn't just about overcoming the past, getting over it, it's about creating a new future. This is actually the perfect time to redesign your life. What do you want your next chapter to look like? Your sense of self will grow stronger, and with that comes the opportunity to rediscover what really makes you happy. Don't be afraid to drink big. The end of one relationship actually opens the doors to a million other new possibilities, and your future is yours to create. It's okay to feel everything you're feeling. There's no right or wrong way here, you know. But by validating your pain, practicing some self compassion and reimagining your future, you will come out on the other side of this more empowered than ever, I promise you, you will. And look, as I always say, healing is not linear. It's okay to have good days and bad days. What's most important is that you keep moving forward, bit by bit, step by step.

26:12

And just to finish off, my soapbox, me rant, betrayal is never, ever the fault of the person who was cheated on. It's about the cheetahs lack of integrity. Focus on rebuilding your trust in your own instincts and your worth. Know that you deserve honesty, loyalty, emotional safety. Emotional affairs may not leave physical scars, but the emotional wounds can be just as deep betrayal is betrayal and trust once broken, it's fucking hard to restore. And what is the most important priority is you and your healing. And there went over, and I'll get really ranty on this, but it is because I'm so passionate about helping all of us to move forward from this shit. It's utter fucking shit. And we've taken this shit because we've somehow, over the years, made ourselves believe that that's all we're worth. And that's bullshit. We are all, every single one of us worth so much more. So that's that's why I get on my soapbox about it. Love and I'm also a bit husky. Today, I'm bit husky. I don't know, don't know that I've ever been husky, but I've got a bit of, a bit of a cold. So yeah, you know, it's added to the rant. But anyway, I do hope that's helped a bit today. I like, if you, or anyone you know, is going through this utter shit show, then please do share the episodes, and I'd, I'd love it too, if you could subscribe to follow the show, and if possible, spend some mere few seconds to leave a review, because it helps so much for people to find the podcast if they need it. It really, really does help. 

27:59

And just, while we're here, I also want to let you know that we've chosen October's book over in the devil's book club how to feel better by Ruth Kudzi. Now I know Ruth, and she is an amazing person and a brilliant coach. And let me read the blurb for this book. It says when we feel broken, we look to be fixed. We consume books, have therapy, diet, whatever it takes. But true self development is not about being fixed. It's about accepting the parts of yourself and then enhancing who we already are. Ruth will teach us about not just to read about, but truly integrate personal development work. She'll take us through four key questions that encourage both self reflection and include action oriented tasks that will help you create sustainable results. What do you want? Number one, what do you want? Number two, where are you now? Number three, how do you get to where you want to be? Number four, how do you stay there? And Ruth started her own personal development journey when studying psychology, she wanted to know what the fuck was wrong with her. She thought that she was different, and wanted to see if there was a scientific reason. So using tools that she has developed to help train 1000s of coaches. Ruth is a coach. She trains coaches to coach. Ruth will help you create a strong self coaching mindset, helping you to rewire your brain so that you can adopt new ways of thinking, feeling and behaving. She draws from a variety of disciplines, including neuroscience, positive psychology, somatic and energy work to provide a truly unique self coaching program that is totally results focused, which so all sounds bloody good to me. So we start on the first of October. Over in the book club, all the links are down below in the show notes, do come and join us if you're really, truly serious about deterring divorce into your very own superpower, my love. So until next time, take care of yourselves, and I will be back in your beautiful earbuds again next week, sending you so much love from me..