EP58 How to Be Fierce AF After Divorce: Your Guide to Reinvention

If you’ve ever felt lost, wondering “Who am I now?” after your marriage ended, trust me…you’re not alone. Let’s be real: divorce can shake us to our core, leaving us feeling like we’ve lost sight of who we truly are. We spend years filling roles like ‘wife,’ ‘mother,’ or even ‘perfect partner,’ and often forget the badass woman we once were.

But here’s the good news: divorce is your chance to reinvent yourself, and in this episode, I’m diving deep into exactly how to do that.

We explore how to shed the labels that no longer serve you and embrace the most empowered, authentic version of yourself. I’m talking about stepping into your new identity with confidence and fierceness, like Beyoncé stepping into Sasha Fierce 🔥

I’ll guide you through visualising the highest version of yourself, creating your very own alter ego to embody that badass queen inside you, and showing up as her in every aspect of your life. This is about more than just "moving on"...it’s about reclaiming your power, rewriting your narrative, and building a future that excites you.

So buckle up, and let’s learn to be it until you see it, transforming your post-divorce life into the best chapter yet.

And whilst we’re all about becoming even more badass…. We’ve started October’s book over in the Divorce Book Club.

How to Feel Better: 4 Steps to Self-Coach your way to a Happier, more Authentic Life, by Ruth Kudzi.

You can check out the book here: 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1801292582/ref=nosim?tag=thedivorceb00-21

Ruth is an amazing Coach who I’ve met and she just has SO Much knowledge ❤️

I’d love to have you join us. We started on 4 October but it’s NEVER too late to join as the whole back catalogue is available for all members 📚

Link to join below ⬇️

Do let me know if you want any more details about the book club - or indeed about anything divorce/break-up related.

Until next week then you absolute QUEEN 👑 sending you loads of love,

Sarah x

🌸

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Chapters

• 0:00 Who even are you?
• 3:04 The expectations of roles and identities
• 6:55 When we becomes I again
• 11:18 Who is YOUR Badass Queen?
• 15:29 Becoming Sasha Fierce 🔥
• 20:08 Be it until you see it
• 23:57 Fierce, Resilient, Unstoppable 👑

Transcript

00:00

Hello and welcome to the divorce chapter podcast, where we aim to take you from the depths of divorce despair to smashing life as a badass single queen. I'm your host, Sarah Elizabeth, and after my divorce shitshow, I was an utter fucking mess, and so my mission is to be who I needed back then. But who was that? And more to the point, who are you? I mean, who are you really? And are you happy with that version of you? You may well be, but this week, I wanted to talk a bit about identity, and specifically how we step into a whole new identity after divorce, because it's not just about air quotes moving on from a broken marriage. It's about shedding a skin that actually no longer serves us, and in the process, becoming the most badass version of ourselves. So in this episode, we're going to talk about how we kind of lost ourselves in marriage, and then how we can rediscover who we really are, and, more importantly, create a new version of us that we love and we're super fucking proud of because why the hell shouldn't we? Fuck societal labels? I want us to leave behind the divorced woman identity and step into a way more empowering version of ourselves. That's the aim. That's the aim. 

02:00

Because I feel like many of us went into marriage full of hope, full of dreams and a partnership, right? We thought we were going to be in a partnership, yeah? But over time, we kind of shift from that partnership into roles and labels, and in doing that, I think it's really common to have lost sight of who we truly are, especially when we do take on these roles, like wife, mother, Even the perfect partner, whatever the fuck that looks like. And then, and then we also chuck into the mix what expectations that each of you as in the partner were new the ex and you, what expectations you both brought into the relationship, like how each of you were brought up, what role modeling you had, and even whether you agree on what the so called roles and labels look like in your relationship. You know, like I was brought up with a working mum, my mum and dad very much shared working. They shared the chores. I guess. My mum did most of the cooking. My dad enjoy cooking as well, but he did the housework. It wasn't like my mum was a traditional wife. I guess thats bloody gender roles again. We talked about a couple of weeks ago. But anyway, before my soapbox comes back out to play, my ex was brought up, however, well, at least since his dad had died when he was 14 by just his mum, who stayed at home and did everything for him and his brother and sister, and I mean everything. The first time I stayed there, I was like, What? What What do you mean? Your mum's going to open the curtains and make the bed. What are you five? And then when we moved in together, right from the off, I was very clear, I am not your mother love. I was pregnant when we first moved into our first house. Now I remember once being so knackered, I asked him to cook some rice to go with dinner, and he asked me how to do it. I said, Read the fucking packet. Jesus. I mean, he did become pretty good, to be fair, and when in later years, I went on to do my Masters full time and then work as a social worker, he did adjust his business to pick up kids from school. He cooked dinner. He kept on top of the house. His mum did the ironing as we lived with her, which was a bonus, I have to say, but that's going back to the role things again. But you know, you might have sacrificed parts of yourself to keep the peace. It was kind of just easier to do shit rather than start a row or, you know, just get on and do what you needed. To do, or it might have just been even to meet societal expectations. And get me started on the whole Trad wife shit again, and blue jobs and pink jobs. We're not going to go there. I'm not going to go there. It's much more than that. It's more than these so called roles, which, again, now I look at it, does tend to fall into gender roles again, huh? But not just what you did in your marriage, more who you became, your identity as you, because maybe your dreams got put on hold, your hobbies, your passions, and they probably took a backseat, and the you that existed before marriage just became well, more and more distant and forgotten about. Who even was she? 

05:54

So what does it look like to lose your identity? I feel like it's pretty subtle at first, maybe you stop seeing your friends as often, or you stop doing shit just for you, just stuff that you liked and enjoyed, kind of goes out the window, and you adopt the we in everything. We like this. We don't do that well. We believe, and before you know it, you're more of a fucking way than an I. And the wife persona. And then, if you check in being a mother as well, both identities end up becoming so goddamn consuming that the person beneath those labels just kind of fades away. Like, if you meet someone for the first time, it was like, Yeah, I'm Sarah, I'm married and I have two sons. Well, nowadays it's more like, my name's Sarah, I'm divorced and I have two sons and five grandkids as well. But like, all of that is not all of me. They're just a couple of labels. But shouldn't have defined the core of who I was, who I am. Have you introduced yourself? What labels do you put on yourself? But then who are you really underneath those labels? Because beneath the titles, Mrs. Ms, whatever fucking name that goes on with fucking marriage, beneath the roles, beneath the labels, who is the person you were before you entered that marriage? And for me, that's that's where the journey back to you needs to start now, because I think too we have this like post divorce identity crisis, the marriage ends, and there's just this gap, and suddenly the roles and the labels that did define us, wife, partner, whatever, they're stripped away, and then what are you left with? The we becomes an I again, and we don't know who the i is. How are you showing up to the world now that you're no longer part of a we do we think we feel double act, and let's face it as well. Bloody society tries to tell us that the divorcee identity or label, whatever you want to call it is supposed to be shamed, or some other bullshit. But you know, really, how are you showing up to back it all up, maybe a bit like I was, a long time after my divorce, I was angry with me ex, angry with the world. I mean, I'm not even an angry person, per se, but I sure as hell was at the start, I was drinking too much to try and numb the pain. It's been like an older version of Bridget Jones, sad films and sad songs and, you know, all that shit, crying, wallowing like a whale. None of that was me, but it was how I was showing up in the world which probably fuelled the label of divorcee as a bitter old sad cow. Maybe you're none of those things, and actually you have got your shit together after you break up. And I hope so, I really do. But often what can happen after divorce is that it brings out our worst sides, like our worst moods, our worst looks, our worst experiences, because everything just feels utter shit. But I bet that's not the version of you that you really want to be. It's not the version of you that you want to be showing up as. But you've lost that version of you that you used to be, and now you can't even fucking find her again, because we just feel eurgh. And look like I say, society loves to pin a certain new identity on a divorced woman, didn't it? And we're supposed to be heartbroken, forever, damaged, bitter, or maybe even desperate. In the old slapper version of divorcee who ends up on Tinder with just anyone. Maybe that was just me, but that's how we can seem right to the outside world. And there's also an inherent fear of becoming the cat lady and Oh, but this divorced woman label this divorcee, identity doesn't define us either.

10:19

So what happens now? Because it feels like we can be a bit untethered, like we're floating without an anchor. We're not the person we were before the marriage, and the identity of being a divorced woman doesn't quite fit. So who are we? And this, this, for me, is the critical turning point when you realise that you need to actively create your new identity and that my love is where things get really bloody exciting. Because instead of being labeled by circumstances, you get to redefine yourself from the ground up, bitches. Because as cray, cray, as it sounds, who you were, who you always wanted to be before divorce and life, knocked the glitter right out of your fucking veins. She's still in there, even if, right now she feels like a stranger, she absolutely is still in there, I promise you. So what I want you to do now is to close your eyes for a minute only. If you're not driving obvs. We don't need to be crashing cars right now. Divorce is already a car crashing up in our lives. Just be safe. Don't need to be sued either. So assuming it's safe for you to do so, close your eyes, and I want you just for a minute to imagine the best, most, highest version of you, the absolute badass queen that you would love, love to be. Who one day, a long time ago, you were on the road to being. What does your badass Queen self look like? How's her hair? Is she wearing makeup? What perfume does she wear? What does she wear? Are we talking power suits or leisure gear, sequins, jeans? I don't know. This is your queen love. How does she show up? Is she confident, sassy? She quiet, demure? Does she have a presence when she walks in the room? How does she spend her time? What is she doing in living a best goddamn life? What are her ambitions? What are her dreams? What does she want? What are her values? What does she stand for? Who is she? Who even is she? Seriously? Get as much detail as you can about her, the badass woman that you want to be again. Who is she? Now? I hope you've got a vision of her. I want you to see her as though you're picturing her in a film in your mind, bring her to life in your head, living a best goddamn life. 

13:27

And if you say you can't visualize, okay, we're going to go there, because I bet someone somewhere is going, Oh, I'm no good at visualizing, right picture, a pink car, a pink Mini or a pink van. Can you see a pink Mini or a pink van in your mind's eye? I bet you can. Or think about your kitchen at home with your eyes shut if you're not driving, think about your kitchen at home. What? What do you cupboards look like? Your worktop. I bet you can see it with your eyes shut. Can't you? You can visualise so bring up your badass Queen identity in your mind's eye. Get as much detail about her as you possibly can, as though she's your bestie. You know her inside out. You know what she looks like, you know what she wears, you know what she does, you know what she thinks, you know what she feels. You know how she shows up.

14:32

And now, now it's gonna sound even more cray cray, but name her. Yep, you heard me name her. Because, did you know this is exactly what Beyonce did when she wanted to, well become Beyonce. She was already Beyonce, but actually be Beyonce as we know her. She was actually a pretty shy, timid chick who was terrified of being seen, but really, really wanted to sing, and she was pretty good at it. Oh, but the thought of actually singing in front of people, lots of them. Fuck that, so she developed what's known as an alter ego to step into Sasha Fierce. When Beyonce went on stage, part of her costume was stepping into Sasha Fierce. She once said that Sasha Fierce is the fun, more sensual, more aggressive, more outspoken side and more glamorous side that comes out when I'm working and when I'm on the stage. That's what she said. Beyonce, as we now know her, would probably not have come to life without Sasha, fierce. Where would Beyonce be without Sasha? Fierce? Bloody hell. Can we even imagine a world without Beyonce in it? I mean, obviously she'd still be in the world, but we might never have heard of her. She'd still be working on a checkout somewhere. And she did actually eventually kill off Sasha Fierce, because her job was done. She became her without thinking, Sasha Fierce was always, always inside of Beyonce, just maybe hidden and a bit buried. And it's the same for you too, like you might have heard the saying, fake it until you make it, or one I prefer be until you see it. And that's where we enter the alter ego. When Beyonce created Sasha Fierce, she did so because she needed a persona who could handle the stage, the spotlight, the pressure. Sasha Fierce was bold, confident, powerful in ways Beyonce sometimes wasn't, or at least not yet. So what's stopping you from creating your own Sasha Fierce? There's actually been a fair few celebrities who created alter egos to help them manage these different aspects of their career, or to gain confidence, or just explore different sides of them who they are. I was looking it up. We've got David Bowie. He's one of the most iconic examples. His alter ego was Ziggy Stardust. You've got Madonna. She seemed to create alter egos about every bloody album there was Madame X, Madame X, who Madonna described as I got the list, dancer, professor, a head of state, a housekeeper and a question, a prisoner, a student, a mother, a child, a teacher, a nun, a singer, a saint, a whore and A Spy in the house of love. I mean, there's some labels and identities for you. Nicki Minaj, she did it with Roman Zelensky, who's her male persona that she channels in her music. Eminem slim, shady, Miley, Cyrus, Hannah Montana. And these are all music examples which is a bit weird and not suggesting you go and audition for X Factor or something unless of course you want to, but what these alter egos have allowed these celebrities to do is to explore new sides to their personalities, to their identities, and grow into a larger than life persona, which for Me, I just think could, could, just a thought could, kind of mirror the sort of transformation people might undergo when reinventing themselves after a significant live event you know, like divorce, just saying, Your life is Your stage, my love, take the spotlight in your own goddamn life however you bloody want to. 

19:06

Whether you call it, fake it till you make it or be it until you see it. The idea is really simple. You step into the identity you want to embody, even if you don't yet feel 100% like that person, even if it's nowhere near yet. Over time, the act of being that person, starting to bring bits of that person to life, to reality, rewires your brain and helps you actually fucking grow into that version of yourself. How wild's that? The power of naming your alter ego, however weird It might sound, is real. So if the identity of divorced woman or whatever that conjures up for you doesn't work for you, why not create a persona? Know who's thriving, dancing our way through divorce. Turn the divorcee identity into a badass queen, someone who's bold, resilient, unapologetically themselves. So come up with a name like could be something like makes you feel strong, like phoenix rising from the ashes or something fierce like Blaze, because you're unstoppable now and on fire, the idea is to give yourself permission to be something someone new. This is probably in you. It's just buried. Maybe you don't feel like a confident, thriving divorcee yet, but adopting that alter ego allows you to try it on, practice being that person, until eventually you just ah. So think about that every single day. Back to the questions I asked earlier, when I asked you to conjure up the image, you know her, she's your bestie, got her in your head. And then when you find yourself feeling scared or lonely or angry or sad, bring her to mind and think to yourself, What would she do? What would she say? What would she think? What would she feel? How would she show up, especially if your ex is being a pain in the ass, or you having a pang of longing for the idiot, would your bad ass queen give in to the fucker? No, she wouldn't. I just think after divorce, we've got this really unique opportunity to transform and really, really reconnect with what actually matters to us, the stuff that got lost along the way and caught up in the wife identity. And that's where you get to start digging deep. What are your values separate from anyone else's expectations? I Not we. What the passions or hobbies that you used to love but haven't touched in years? Who were you before the marriage, and who do you want to be now? Are they the same? This is about more than just picking up old hobbies or dropping the wife label. It's about aligning your new life with your new values. Do you want to be a person who prioritises self care now, someone who travels, a woman who's fearless in her career? Now's the time to reimagine all of that you really can be anyone now, anyone you want to be. We just need to train our minds to believe and that is in the be it, until you see it.

22:57

You are no longer just the divorced woman or the ex wife, you are now someone who has stepped into a power and embraced a version of herself that's fierce, resilient, unstoppable. You've rewritten your own narrative just by doing this. Embrace the idea that your new identity is limitless. Unlimited doesn't even have to be perfect. In fact, it probably won't be perfect, and that's okay. Every step you take towards this new self is part of the journey, right? Maybe today you name your alter ego and start small trying on that new identity when you walk into a meeting or even when you're spending time with friends, over time, that person will start to feel more and more like you, and one day, you'll realize you've been that bad ass woman all along. So I'd love for you to just try this and step into your queen, Higher Self whenever things feel like they're never gonna get better, because I promise you, she's in you. She's in you. How exciting is that? I hope you feel at least a little bit inspired to channel your own inner Sasha Fierce, or whatever you're gonna call her, maybe brave enough do share the episode on Instagram with your stage name, darling. Tag it if you know, you know. And of tagged me in it and all at the divorce chapter so I can celebrate your royalty, my queen. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you for joining me on stage today. Seriously, I hope this gives you a little bit of inspiration and a bit of confidence to step into the new you, the new identity after divorce. Don't let the old narratives define you. You get to choose who you are now, and trust me, the best is yet to come when you find that inner power. Ah, oh my god. So I'm just gonna end it there on a high today, go out there with your inner power and Smash it. Smash it, you badass.

25:09

I will be back in your beautiful earbuds again next week. So I am sending you so much love. You.