The Divorce Chapter

EP73 The Secret to Reinventing Yourself After Divorce (It’s Not What You Think)

• Sarah Elizabeth • Episode 73

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💡 “If you don’t believe you’re the person who can live your dream life, you’ll sabotage yourself every time.”

You’ve created the vision. You’ve started taking action. But here’s the kicker… if you still see yourself as the struggling, heartbroken version of you, you’ll keep making choices that pull you back into that identity.

So today, we’re going deeper. 

🔥 In this episode, I’m sharing:
 ✔️ Why your identity dictates your results—and how to shift it FAST
 ✔️ How to retrain your brain using Mel Robbins’ 5 Second Rule
 ✔️ Powerful Future You Practices (that work even if you feel stuck)
 ✔️ The No More Apologies Challenge—this one’s a game-changer
 ✔️ How to start BEING the person in your vision, right now.


🚀 By the end of this episode, you’ll know exactly how to start BEING the person in your vision. No more waiting. No more wishing. Just stepping into HER right now.

You’ve got this….and I’ve got you 💪

And if you also want a chance at winning a £25 Amazon Gift Voucher, simply:


  1. Write a (preferably nice!) review of the episode wherever you listen to your podcasts.
  2. Screenshot your review
  3. Send the screenshot of the review AND tell me if you want either the free journal prompts to get your ex out your head or else the free guide to the top books to take you from heartbreak to healing after divorce (or both) and email all of this to sarah@thedivorcebookclub.com


I’ll put all the entries into a hat to draw a winner on 31 March 2025 

Can’t wait to see all your dreams coming true 💭

Loads of Love

Sarah x

🌸

P.S. Don’t forget, by using the code JANUARYSALE you get 50% off the first month in the Divorce Book Club…. So basically a fiver to change your life 🤷🏽‍♀️

Check it out here ⬇️

THE DIVORCE BOOK CLUB
 
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https://thedivorcebookclub.com/free-resources/

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Hello and welcome to the divorce chapter. I'm Sarah Elizabeth, and if you're new here, welcome to the podcast that helps you turn the chaos of divorce into the best damn glow up of your life. Think of me as your cheerleader, guiding you along your way with imaginary, fluffy, glittery pom poms. I actually did always want to be a proper cheerleader with real life pom poms. Or, well, actually, in my day, it was majorettes. Everyone who was anyone at my school did majorettes. And I had serious envy. I wanted to do that shit so bad, but I was never allowed. Sadly, I don't actually know. Why was it a cult? Was it a den of iniquity? She'll never know now, and yes, I have been talking in the last couple of episodes about how in creating a vision for our new chapter, the envy or jealousy can actually be quite a good signpost for what we truly want in life. But you'll be pleased to know that I'm sort of over it. I no longer harbor a desire to wear a sparkly leotard and throw a metal stick around, although last year I was where all the leotards and shit were ready for the British gymnasts to going to the Olympics. And man, that shit was sparkly as fuck. I did think that that is quite a cool job designing sparkles all day, right? What a cool job anyway. But overall, I'm not planning a leotard for any reason anytime soon. Though, if that is still your desire, you do you. The point is, I guess, is that what we want, our desires do change with time, and quite often that's never more so than when we suddenly find ourselves single after years of marriage. And consequently, we do have to dig a bit deep to work out what it is we want now. And if you've been following along these past couple of weeks, you'll know we've been on a journey to try and do just that. We started with creating a vision, getting really clear on what you actually might want your life to look like after divorce. Then last week, we talked about taking action, because a vision without action is just a really cute daydream. But here's the thing, the kicker, even if you have a vision, even if you are taking action, if you don't believe that you are the person who can live that life, you will sabotage yourself, yep, if you don't see yourself being the person in your vision, the type of person who does the reps to get there, then it's going to be a bit of an uphill struggle, which is why today we're going deeper. We're talking identity. And this episode is all about how to step into the version of yourself who is already living your dream life about why identity is the biggest factor in making lasting change. We're going to look at how to shift from I wish I was that person to I am that person. And also we're going to look at some practical exercises to shift your identity and fully embody your next level self.  So let's get going, because here's something no one tells you, we don't act in ways that contradict who we believe we are. We act as the person we see ourselves as. So if deep down, you still believe you're the struggling, heartbroken woman who just got divorced, you will unconsciously make decisions that keep you in that identity. If you believe you're bad with money, you will find ways to fuck up financial success. If you believe you're not confident, you won't suddenly start showing up boldly with all the SAS. Think of it like this. Your identity is like a thermostat. So imagine it in your room, right? You've got a thermostat for your heating control, if that's set at like 18. Degrees centigrade, right? And you open a window on a freezing cold day, the heat will kick back in to bring it back to 18 degrees, right? If the room is already over 18 degrees, that heat ain't kicking in for love, nor money. You get me? So if you still see yourself as the same person from your marriage and not raise the status quo on the old thermometer, your brain will pull you back into old habits, old doubts, old fears, the old level, and that is why so many people struggle to change their lives. They're trying to do all the different things while still being the same person. The fastest way to change your life, change your identity first. But how do we do that? We act as our future self now. And I know this can feel quite a weird concept, but think about it, we are human beings. We're not human doings. We're human beings. Why is it, for example, that some people will do the exact same qualification for the exact same job, but some will stay entry level forever, and others will rise up. Why? Why? Because of who they are being, they're doing the same shit, but because they're being completely different, they'll get totally different outcomes. Or, let's go back to my childhood Majorette dream. Did I really want to physically twirl a metal stick and throw that shit in the air? Did I really want to have to practice that shit, however, many times a week to perfect said twirling and throwing or was it that I had a perception of who someone that does majorettes is? Was it that I saw the girls who did majorettes as girls who were cool, pretty slim and I wanted to be that, be cool, be pretty, be slim, rather than actually do majorettes. Maybe my mum and dad saw that. I don't know. I mean, it's not like I can ask them now, is it, but I do know that I didn't as a child see myself in that way, but desperately wanted to be so that's probably why I wanted to do the thing, because I thought it was going to make me be the thing. Only, no amount of twirling was going to make me feel different unless I shifted my identity. I mean, look, I was like 10 or 11 or whatever, so you know, and I sort of jest but it's important to think about now, because likely we have spent years being the doting wife, being the good daughter in law, all the shizzle of being, but who we need to be to be single and independent is probably quite different to that. Does that all make sense? I hope so. I hope so.  So what I thought we'd do after thinking about our vision and what we want and all the habits and goals we need to make to get our vision this week, I'm going to go through how to shift our identity to be that person, because this sharing easy, you know? So I'm going to go through some practical identity shifting exercises that will help rewire your brain to be who you want to be. Okay, so number one, identity rehearsal, a visualisation. Now this works, because the brain doesn't know the difference between real and imagined experiences. It doesn't know the difference between past, present and future. So if it's safe to do so for a minute, close your eyes and in your mind's eye. Picture where in your house you might keep a lemon, might be in the fruit bowl, might be in the fridge, wherever it is, go to it in your mind's eye and pick a lemon. Doesn't matter if you haven't got a physical lemon. This is all imaginary. Pick up the lemon in your mind. Feel it. Imagine feeling it. What's it feel like? Bit waxy, bumpy, those funny little lens. What's it feel like? Now, pick up a knife and slice through that baby. Cut a nice slice off. Feel the knife go. Going through that hard outer bit into the soft and all that juice starting to come out. Can you smell it? That citrusy scent? Now, pick up that slice that you've just cut. Put it to your mouth. Feel that lemon juice on your lips, on your tongue. I bet you can smell it now. Okay, now open your eyes. What are you feeling? Are you salivating yet? Are you screwing your nose up a little bit at the tart citrusy bit seriously? If that's what picturing an imaginary lemon can do to your senses, to your body, to your mind, then can you just imagine what it can do at a physiological level when you picture the you of your vision. Seriously, this shit is the gold that makes the difference. So let's train this brain of yours to believe in your future self as though you are it now. So again, if it's safe to do so, close your eyes and visualise yourself in everyday situations of the you in your vision, talking to friends, making decisions, handling challenges, whatever it is, imagine you Are Already the confident, successful, thriving version of yourself. See yourself standing tall, smiling, speaking with certainty, what do you wear? How do you show up? How do you speak? Now, really, really feel it, and then open your eyes. And once you've got this vision of you nailed, try and practice it every morning, maybe in the shower. Get this in as a new habit, as we said last week, habits. Stack it onto something you already do, like the shower or making a cup of tea. Keep practicing imagining it, and your brain will start to accept this as your reality. It's a bit like rehearsing a role in a play, except you're rehearsing being your next level self until it becomes second nature.  Or another way to do this is identity journaling. And again, this works because it reprograms your subconscious and kind of reinforces your new identity. So for this one, choose three to five identity based I am statements as they relate to your vision and also in the present tense, because, as I said, the brain can't tell the difference between past, present and future. So it's like saying I am as you've already got it so like I am confident, I am successful. I love being an independent badass. You get the gist, and then write them down in your journal morning and night. But importantly, as you write them, journal them, feel the emotions of already being that person. Your brain doesn't like feeling unsafe, because it's the brain's job to keep you safe. So if you just repeat affirmations, and your subconscious brain doesn't believe it, it's going to shut that shit down because it don't gotta believe it. But when you feel it, be it and feel good, your brain feels reassured that it's safe to be it, and then you carry on practicing being it until you see it, be it, until you see it, reprogramme that brain of yours. You could, even when doing the affirmations and practicing being it, try the future self walk because your physiology affects your psychology. So go out and walk as if you're your future self, shoulders back, head high, confident as fuck, strut, play a badass playlist and all and mentally repeat those affirmations your body is teaching your brain when you move with confidence and sass, your brain will follow.  Or, another one to try the behaviour replacement trick. Now, old identity equals old habits, so to shift that shit, we need to replace those old habits with new, beautifully aligned actions. So how to do this? So first think about just one old behaviour from your past identity, like procrastination, self doubt, people pleasing, that sort of shit. Then choose one new behaviour that your future self would do like taking immediate action, like speaking up, like saying no, and then every time you catch yourself in the old habit, pause, reset and shift into the new one. I did an episode a while back called How to Be fierce as fuck, and basically it was all about creating your new identity and creating an alter ego, much like Beyonce did in creating Sasha Fierce to initially give her the confidence to step on stage. And it's a bit like that. You're creating your future self, Alter Ego. So when you're feeling yourself doing the old habit, you stop and you shift. You can even to think click and hair toss Beyonce style if you want. Anyway you get the point. You get the point. Maybe your old behaviour you want to stop is like overthinking. So your new habit, courtesy of your future self, she takes action. So act first, overthink later.  Actually, for this one, Mel Robbins, five second rule is freaking perfect to make the switch from old to new. Unless you've been living under a rock, you'll know we're doing the five second rule in the divorce book club this month, and Oh my freaking god, it's life changing I have so far got up every single morning when the alarm goes off, no snooze button inside. Who even is she? Serious career snoozer over here in the past, but my future self, that bad ass bitch, gets her ass out of bed and takes control of her day. This shit works. Why does it work? Because the brain is wired for survival, which, like I've said, means it wants to keep you safe and comfortable. When you hesitate on something outside of your comfort zone, your brain will talk you out of it. The Five Second Rule stops that it interrupts the thinking. It's got all sorts of science behind it, so to use it for identity shifting and being until you see it every time you feel resistance to an action that you know your future self will take, count down backwards from five, like a rocket launch, 54321, go, and then act immediately before your brain talks you out of it. Don't give your brain the chance to stop you just fucking do it. And this then starts to build trust in yourself and proves that you are that new version of you now, like I'm not a snoozer anymore. So if your future self wouldn't hesitate to send that email, sign up for that class. Say no to the ex who's trying to creep back in. The next time you feel yourself slipping into those old habits, count down, 54321, and step into your future self just like that.  Or while we're on rules, maybe try the two minute rule from the utterly brilliant atomic habits by James clear, because this one helps you take small, quick actions that reinforce your new identity, but without being too much. So instead of making a huge identity shift overnight, it starts with a micro action. So choose one thing your future self does and do it for just two minutes. That's it like. Instead of saying I'm going to work out every morning, which might feel too overwhelming, which causes your brain to convince you not to say, I'm just going to put on my workout clothes. That tiny step is a small step out of the comfort zone, but a step that builds momentum to say your future self journals every day, open the notebook, write one sentence when you start being the person, even in tiny ways, you prove to yourself that you are them,  or I touched on earlier about a badass playlist, because music also instantly changes your state. So if you want to feel like your future self, listen to the songs that make you feel powerful, confident, unstoppable, create a future self playlist songs that make you feel like your next level vision, and then listen to it, especially before, like making big decisions or on your morning walk, or just generally, when you feel doubt creeping in, let that music shift your energy into her. If your future self had a theme song, what would it be a theme tune? Blast that shit out, let the music shift you into being her, or there's even the power of a signature perfume or outfit. Your senses are powerful identity triggers right like that lemon again, smells and clothes as well signal to your brain that you're literally stepping into a new version of yourself. You. So choose a signature scent that represents your future self and wear it every day, none of the fake shit, and definitely none of this saving it for best shit. Fuck that, and dress like the person you're becoming, even if you're just working from home. So have a think about it. If your future self had a perfume or an outfit, what would it be? And start incorporating those into your life now, and watch how it changes the way you see yourself.  And finally, I'm going to challenge you to the no more apologies challenge, because your identity is reinforced by how you speak about yourself. If you constantly apologise, downplay shit or just generally diminish yourself, you're giving off a vibe and identity of being small, of smallness. So stop apologising for the things that you don't need to own your strengths instead of, oh, it's just something small, or, Oh, this little thing. Say, I worked hard on this and I'm proud of it. Or just simply, thank you, just accepting the compliment without downplaying it. Thank you. So this week, I challenge you no more unnecessary apologies. Speak Like your future self, own, your space, your voice and your worth. Because just like L'Oreal, you are worth it. You don't need to wait until you've arrived to start being this version of you be until you see it, walk like her, dress like her, speak like her, decide like her, act like her, because the sooner you step into being her, the faster the world around you shifts to catch up.  I do get it that stepping into a new identity is exciting, but also fucking terrifying. I get that as well, and that's because of the risk of repeating myself here. Your brain loves familiarity, even if that familiarity is fucking miserable. So you might be thinking shit like, what if I fail? Future? You knows that mistakes are part of success. Keep going. Did you know James Dyson went through 5126 prototypes before success with the bagless Hoover? Did you know that? And if he'd not kept going, we might never have got the hair dryer and all. Oh, or you might be worrying if people judge you. Well, that one's easy. Their opinions don't pay your bills. They can fuck off. You might say to yourself, What if I don't recognise myself? Good? That means you're growing honestly, instead of fearing the new you get excited about her. It's all good. And here's the truth, the thing that you actually need to know, your future self already exists. She's just over there in your mind, waiting for you to catch up with her. So stop waiting and start being walk like a talk like her, act like her, and soon enough, you will be her. I've said before, this up leveling shit, and getting through divorce is a bit like moving through a computer game. You start at level one, and you have to find the way out, and you eat the monsters that are chasing you, and maybe pick up an odd reward along the way. And when you've mastered that level, you get to a new level where there might be more monsters, new monsters to get rid of, but maybe better rewards as well. On and on. You go up and up and up and up level by level, new level, new devil and all that. But before you know it, you're absolutely fucking smashing it.  It's worth putting in some effort. If you know what you want, you've got your vision. You know the steps and habits you need to take to get there, and you know who she is, to be her, put all them together, then go freaking get her, you absolute badass. Try and pick one identity shifting exercise and just try it. And then DM me on Instagram at the divorce chapter to tell me about it. Tell me just one thing your future self does you're doing today, a dare you, or dare your future self anyway. Talking of Instagram, I saw a post just before recording that said. It said, due to personal reasons, I will be shining bright like a fucking diamond, unapologetically for the foreseeable future. I freaking love that. Let that be you too, unapologetically you. And if you want more and to go. All in on creating your best self after divorce, or even if you just want to catch up and learn about the 543215, second rule, the 50% off the first month code of January sale is still available at the divorce book club until the 25th of January. So get your gorgeous badass over there. Links are in the show notes below. And also don't forget or if you missed it last week, we're starting a new thing here at the divorce chapter headquarters, a new year new thing, if you will review to reward if you could be utterly fabulous darling and spend a few seconds reviewing this week's episode, preferably by writing something nice. And then this is the important bit. Take a screenshot of your review, because otherwise I don't see it, and then email the screenshot to me, Sarah at the divorce book club.com that's Sarah at the divorce book club.com. I'm going to put all the names into act and draw out a winner at the end of the first quarter. So the end of March 2025 there's going to be a winner and a nice potential reward of a 25 quid Amazon voucher for a few seconds of your time and in your email if you also tell me if you want one or both of the freebies on the website, either the amazing journal prompts to get the ex out your head, or else the free guide to the 10 must read books to get you from heart broken to healed. Then let me know too in the email, and I'll send it or both to you, thanking you muchly, and thank you muchly, as well as always, for listening to the episode. I do hope you enjoyed it. I love making these kinds of episodes about creating our future lives, because I genuinely think it's one of the blockers after breakup that can stop us living our best goddamn lives. So let's do this, and most of all, let's be this, and I will be back in your beautiful earbuds again next week. So until then, I am sending you so much love. You've got this bye.

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Sarah Elizabeth

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