The Divorce Chapter

EP77 The Confessions of a Dating Coach Chapter: Love and Life after Divorce

• Sarah Elizabeth • Episode 77

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đź’” Ever felt lost, unworthy, or terrified of being single forever after divorce? You're not alone.

In this special guest episode, we chat with Claire Grigson, aka Confessions of a Dating Coach, who shares her journey from heartbreak and betrayal to becoming a powerhouse in dating and relationship coaching. Claire opens up about healing from an anxious attachment style, breaking toxic dating patterns, and learning to fall in love with life as a single woman.

We talk about….
 âś”️ Why the most important relationship you'll ever have is with yourself
 âś”️ How anxious attachment affects dating after divorce…. and what to do about it
 âś”️ Why romanticising your life as a single woman is the ultimate power move
 âś”️ Practical tips for building confidence and choosing healthier relationships

This episode is packed with empathy, humour, and actionable advice to help you reclaim your confidence and glow-up your dating life….on your terms.

✨ Listen in and learn how to stop waiting to be chosen, and start choosing yourself.


The book Claire mentions in the episode:

The Untethered Soul http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1572245379/ref=nosim?tag=thedivorceb0f-21

To contact Claire:

Instagram www.instagram.com/confessionsofadatingcoach/

TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@claire_grigson_coaching?lang=en-uk

Facebook https://www.facebook.com/claire.grigson.coaching

Glow Up Your Dating Bio: https://subscribepage.io/lQa3fn

Email Claire@ClaireGrigson.com


And if you want a chance at winning a ÂŁ25 Amazon Gift Voucher, simply:

  1. Write a review of the episode wherever you listen to your podcasts.
  2. Screenshot your review
  3. Send the screenshot of the review AND tell me if you want either the free journal prompts to get your ex out your head or else the free guide to the top books to take you from heartbreak to healing after divorce (or both) and email all of this to sarah@thedivorcebookclub.com


Can’t wait to hear what you think of the episode  ✨ I loved chatting with Claire ❤️

Loads of Love

Sarah x

🌸

P.S. Want to rebuild your confidence and self-esteem after divorce? Join The Divorce Book Club! February’s book is Know Your Worth by Anna Mathur, and trust me….it’s absofuckinglutely life-changing 

Literally, £10 a month (plus VAT) to CHANGE YOUR GODDAMN LIFE ⬇️

THE DIVORCE BOOK CLUB
 
https://patreon.com/thedivorcebookclub

FREE Guide to the 10 MUST read divorce books after divorce

https://thedivorcebookclub.com/free-resources/

INSTAGRAM

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SPEAKERS

Sarah Elizabeth, Claire Grigson

Sarah Elizabeth  00:00

Hello and welcome to the divorce chapter podcast, where we turn the unexpected divorce plot twist into happily ever after with me, your host, Sarah Elizabeth, and this week, we have another wonderful guest to help us with making our divorce chapter the best goddamn one yet, and that is the beauts. Claire Grigson, aka Confessions of a dating coach. Yes. Claire is a dating and relationship coach who specialises in helping you to break the patterns in your dating life that are stopping you from having a healthy, loving and fulfilling relationship, even if you're the one in situationships with emotionally unavailable blokes, Claire supports you to build a strong, badass relationship with yourself first. Like so many of us, Claire had an anxious attachment style that was driving some pretty unhealthy patterns of behaviour and choices in her love life. We've all been there.... and after her own divorce from a 14 year marriage, Claire has sorted her shit out and healed into a secure attachment, which has been an absolute game changer for Claire, and so now she loves nothing better than to support you to do the same. Welcome Claire, 

Claire Grigson  01:13

yay. Thank you for having me. I'm so excited to be here. 

Sarah Elizabeth  01:17

Oh, I'm so excited to have you. Now. You're also a vet, right? 

Claire Grigson  01:21

But I am. 

Sarah Elizabeth  01:22

That's one hell of a switch. I mean, they say never work with children and animals for you, it's probably men and animals clearly works for you. So let's go a bit into your backstory and the shift. As I know you're divorced yourself. So could you tell us a bit more about all of that and led you from being a vet to a dating coach? 

Claire Grigson  01:41

Yeah, I mean, it's, it's quite a shift, isn't it? And people always say that they're like, hang on a minute. You're a vet and you're a dating coach. Like, those two things just don't go together. And it's a bit of a story. We'll not go through the whole thing because we'll be here all day. But essentially, my background is as a veterinary surgeon. I've been in the profession for 18 years, so a long time, and in terms of my love life, I met my ex husband when I was 19, so I was really young. Prior to that, I'd been in a two year relationship, so I spent most of my adult life and a long term relationship. So my very first relationship with my first boyfriend was not a healthy one. He cheated on me, he gave me an STI he lied. I put up with a lot of really, really shitty behaviour, and then I met my ex husband, and we were together for almost 14 years, and that relationship wasn't without its challenges as well. So shortly after we got married, he cheated on me, and at that point, my reaction was more shocked that he said he wanted to leave rather than the fact that he cheated. I was like, You can't leave me. Like when this happened, I was probably 30, and I was like, we've got a house, we've got a dog. I've got this full time vet job. We go on lovely holidays, like from the outside, everything looked like picture perfect. And I was like, You can't leave me. And we ended up staying together for probably about four years after that incident, and we went to marriage counselling, and we did try really hard to make it work, but essentially, the trust was completely broken for me, and what I found was it was really hard for me to look at myself in the mirror each day, because I knew I was with someone that had crossed my boundaries and was so out of alignment with my own values in the way and the actions that I would choose to take had I been in a similar situation to him. So I got divorced Well, we split up when I was 33 so that was the first time I'd ever been single, ever been single, ever been.

Sarah Elizabeth  03:48

It's terrifying isn't it?

Claire Grigson  03:49

Yeah, it absolutely is. And I was like, Oh my God, there's Tinder. And at first I was like a kid in a sweetie shop. I was like, Oh my God, look at all these men looking at all the pictures. And I remember I'd be in, like, my vet shifts and all my colleagues be like, Oh my god. This is so funny. This is so exciting. And it was exciting, but I also had very little self awareness. So I was dating from a space of being very, very anxiously attached. I was dating from a space of having really, like, low self confidence and low self worth, even though, externally, I always presented to someone that was confident. You know, I had the good job, and by this point, I bought my own house again after my divorce, and I was very miss like independent, but the way that I felt about myself relied so heavily on my dating experiences and what men thought of me, basically. So if I was dating someone and it was going well, I was like, Oh, I feel like a badass. And if it wasn't going well, I would absolutely crumble inside. And I probably had this sort of pattern of behaviour for a good couple of years, and then I was coached myself. And there was a couple of things I realised, well. One, oh, my God, I've never had a relationship with myself, and actually, there's a lot of stuff here that I want to work on. And two, it also lit a fire in my belly for coaching when I got into personal development and spirituality and I started learning about myself, I was like, I found something that I love even more than veterinary medicine, and I knew that I wanted to go on and support other women in the same way that I had been supported. So essentially, that's how I transitioned from veterinary into coaching. I still do a little bit of clinical vet work as a locum vet. I run a veterinary coaching business as well. So if anyone is into human design, I'm a manifesting generator, right? So it's no fucking surprise I have three different income streams and three things I'm really passionate about. But yeah, that's essentially the transition for me, and I did a lot of intensive work on my own attachment style to move from anxious attachment to secure attachment, that I did with an incredible relationship coach who not all only coached me as a client, but mentored me because she knew that I was interested in working with women in a similar space. So she taught me all all the tools, all the things that I needed to know, and now I've been able to go on and support so many other women who felt the way that I used to feel, and were stuck in these really unhealthy patterns in their dating life. So, yeah, it's amazing. I absolutely love, love what I get to do that is amazing. 

Sarah Elizabeth  06:27

That's a that's a really great story from something that was so shit. Let's face it, you know, we all kind of resonate with that, you know, I totally resonate with that story I was, I was just 40 when it happened to me, you know, but it's just you find yourself just alone and just don't know what to do. So you kind of cling on and you look outside of ourselves for someone else to fix us, like as though that's going to be the magic wand. And, you know, I totally could see myself in everything you were saying there, apart from the vet bit, but attachment styles, it's such a huge thing, isn't it? And I personally have been hugely anxiously attached, like massive issues about rejection, abandonment and real low self worth that that makes that 10 times worse. And I studied a lot about anxious attachment and attachment styles as a social worker with children, of course, but it's like how much it actually affects you as an adult as well, and the relationships that you have there. So what can we do when we have got an anxious attachment, like we're fresh out of a divorce. We're terrified of being alone. What can we do? Claire, what can we do? 

Claire Grigson  07:45

Okay, this is what everybody wants to know. They're like, fix it. I want the magic pill. And I think the first thing to know is there's not like, one magical process or one magical thing that you do that is going to make you feel securely attached. It's more an ongoing process and an ongoing journey. And something that I work with my clients, with, on quite a deep level, is nervous system regulation, because what we really want to be doing is to allow ourselves to feel safe and secure within ourselves. Because when we do that, we're able to take a step back when it comes to the choices we make, the decisions, and we can go, is this something that I actually want to do or not? Because honestly, Sarah, if you heard all the decisions I made, and I was anxiously attached, like, I look back and I'm like, oh my goodness, that was wild. Like, I am absolutely going to write a book on this shit, right? Because there were so many things that now I would, I would never do that, but back then, I was just driven by my anxiety, and what that meant was that I was constantly just reacting and making snap decisions in my dating life. So I would say, if you're coming out of a divorce and you've identified, okay, I'm anxiously attached. First of all, there's nothing wrong with you. It's really anxious. Attachment style is a fairly common attachment style to have. You're definitely not on your own. And the second thing would be, please do not rush to throw yourself into dating or into another relationship. If you can come to a space where you feel more grounded and more secure within yourself, you're really going to set yourself up to have a healthy relationship moving forward to somebody else. And if you just throw yourself straight into dating, straight into another relationship, and you're still in that space, it's very likely you're going to just continue on those patterns. And this isn't to place blame. This isn't for anyone to listen to this and feel shame like, Oh my God, that's me. Or I think I've done that because I've absolutely been there as well. But this is just about becoming aware and realizing and going, do you know what? Actually, I'm just going to learn how to be more content within myself first. Doesn't mean you need to be on your own forever and ever, but I do think it's really healthy to have a period of time to just readjust and recalibrate. 

Sarah Elizabeth  10:05

Yeah, I couldn't agree more. It does, because it is that the nervous system you permanently fight flight freeze, and then if you, if you don't start to regulate that before you go into something else, you're just taking that with you, right? So, yeah, completely, completely agree. I love the idea of romanticising our own lives, and I love being single now, but I can completely that was me on the dating sites too, back then. So I love that you say that the most important relationship you're ever going to have is with yourself. I really love that. And this month in the divorce book club, actually, that we've I run it, we're doing Know your worth by Anna Mathur, and that's really golden for all of this kind of self awareness and and an understanding that our worth doesn't actually change depending on what someone else values it at but when we are feeling broken, we're feeling rejected, we've got an anxious attachment, or what we've talked about, what, what would you say would be the first step in building that relationship with ourselves? 

Claire Grigson  11:16

That is such a good question. And I think the first step, honestly, is starting to have like compassion for ourselves, like start treating yourself, talking to yourself, but also showing up for yourself like you would do a friend. And that can feel really, really alien. Like, if someone had spoken to me about self compassion 10 years ago, I would have been like, what a load of fucking bullshit. Like, I don't need self compassion, because I beat myself with a huge stick, and I'm very successful, because I've been beating myself with a huge stick forever, right? Yeah, but actually, like, learning to have some compassion for yourself and actually slowing down and being like, what do I need right now? Like, is it that actually I need to just sit down and have a cup of tea and allow myself to chill, or do I need to get my ass to the gym? Because I know that I'm going to feel better afterwards, even though I might not feel like it just now. So I think really starting to Yeah, show up for yourself like you would do a friend and validate yourself and work on that relationship first, maybe it's that you make a small promise to yourself every morning. Do you know what I really want to start meditating for five minutes in the morning and you start taking that action. And the more that you do that, the more that you show up for yourself. Sends like a subconscious message of like, I am worthy. I'm someone that's worthy of actually showing up for themselves and taking that time. So I would say just small steps in self compassion as well. It's so, so powerful. 

Sarah Elizabeth  12:46

Yeah, I love that, and it's true, isn't it? I mean, I always say sort of breath by breath, step by step, really, those small steps and building trust in yourself, that you can and that you're okay and that it's safe to do those things, right? So this episode is going out on Valentine's Day, which for many of us divorced divas, is like, Oh God, kill me now. Now, as I say, I'm all for romanticising our own goddamn lives, but what can we do if we're really like, Fuck this. This has got to be the last Valentine's Day, I'm single. What? What? What do we do? 

Claire Grigson  13:26

You know, what I would almost like, flip that energy on its head, and I'd be like, Oh my God. Like, this is the last Valentine's Day. I'm gonna have single like, this is fucking exciting. What am I gonna do for me? I'm gonna buy myself the most beautiful bouquet of flowers. I'm going to take myself out for dinner. I'm going to get the girls round for dinner. I'm going to have like, a nice glass of wine, whatever it is that you can do to feel special, because that really shifts the energy from one of like needing and almost like desperation, like, oh my god, this can't happen again to fuck this is exciting, because this could be the last ever Valentine's Day single, and how am I going to make the most of it? And I think the energy between those two is so different, like, people feel that when you're in the energy of, like, fucking exciting, other people are going to feel that too, right? So I would say that let's, like, shift, let's flip the energy and see what I love. 

Sarah Elizabeth  14:23

I love that. And it is coming back that romanticising your life. It's Yeah, it's amazing. I can love myself. I can love my life, irrespective of whether someone's in it, right? You know, because it is that, that shift in thinking from you, needing someone to complete you, to having someone to compliment you, if that's what you want, when the time comes to that, 

Claire Grigson  14:49

yeah, absolutely, there's, there's a big difference between that and also going, do you know what I'm going to wait until someone's really adding value to my life, like I think when you create a life where you're like, you know, on the whole This feels good. We're all going to have bad days, right? Anyone that's like, Oh, I feel fucking brilliant about being single every single day. No, that we're all going to have days when we're like, God, I don't know the boiler's broken. Like, God, I really wish there was somebody else here to help me with this flat tyre.

Sarah Elizabeth  15:17

It's always the bloody tyres.

Claire Grigson  15:21

Or you just feel like a bit lonely, or like, oh, it'd be so good to have a cuddle. Like, I wasn't well last week, and I was thinking, Oh, it'd be really nice just to have someone here to give me a cuddle. So we're always going to have challenging days. But I think when you can get to space where, like, Do you know what, most days, I actually really love my life, it allows you to take more risks in life as well, right? Because you know that even if you meet someone, yeah, and it doesn't work out, you're just going to come back to where you were before. And that felt pretty damn good. So I think it builds resilience as well. 

Sarah Elizabeth  15:50

I absolutely love that. It's really that's really so true, isn't it? It does build some resilience in being able to kind of manage I saw one of your Instagram posts, and it made me really laugh when you said about one of the reasons that you were attracting and choosing emotionally unavailable men, because it was just like as well you were what we attract when we're in that energy, right? So we're shifting that energy. And you said that you were attracting those kinds of unavailable men, because you weren't emotionally available either. Yeah. And I remember first reading about this in the book years and years ago. This was the book Mr. Unavailable and the fallback girl, yeah. And I read this book when I was in an absolute shit show after the divorce show with a commitment phobe. He was an absolute nightmare. And when I first read it, I was like, noooooooo I want to be with him, I do I do I do but then when you actually dig a bit, it's really true. It's like, did I you though, you know? Can you talk a bit more about this? Because I think a lot of us, and I've done a couple of episodes on this before. You're talking yourself there about being independent. We kind of go from CO dependent and needy to somewhere like Miss hyper independent. I don't need anybody vibes. And it's kind of, how do we get that balance? And somewhere in the middle that, yeah, we are in that place where we're attracting those right men, as opposed to the commitment phobes and the narcissists and the then the bastards, 

Claire Grigson  17:34

yeah. And I think it's a really, really interesting one. And I think when I speak to my clients about this most. My clients are anxiously attached, and we start working together, and we talk about emotional availability, and I'll say, do you think you're emotionally available? And they're like, Well, yeah, like, I talk with my friends about how I feel, and I'm like, I'm really kind, and I think that I'm a really good person. And then we start to dig a little bit deeper, and I'm like, okay, so this guy that you've been dating for six weeks, so you're not sure where you stand. Have you actually just had a conversation with him about it? Oh, well, no, I can't ask him. No, no, I can't ask him directly. And we have to understand that when we're not prepared to have, like, clear, honest, direct communication, that is a form of emotional unavailability, right? Because we're kind of like dancing around things and just kind of well, hoping maybe he'll bring it up first, or maybe, if I'm just a little bit different, then he'll choose me. And that is emotional unavailability. And you're also going to find that men who are emotionally unavailable, they're quite fucking happy with that, right? Because they don't need to have the conversation. Men who are securely attached, going to be like, let's have a conversation about this, stage, but I think that and also like, are you allowing yourself to feel what you're feeling? Are you someone that's like pushing down how you feel and always pretending like everything's fine? And that was 100% me. I would go into work any day of the week. I could have all sorts going on in the background. I always have the smile on. I was always making jokes. I was always like, Well, I'm really confident, because I never actually allowed myself to feel what I was feeling. I was taught very much that emotions just get pushed down in a box, and you show up and perform and you just do that. That's just how life is. And I think that emotional unavailability shows up in these different ways. So people don't always, or women, I would say more so who are anxiously attached don't always recognize that. And again, this isn't about placing blame or going, Oh my God, you're emotionally unavailable, but it's about being curious about that. And I think you're right. What can happen is we're anxiously attached, we're in a marriage, or we're in a relationship, and there can almost be a bit of that codependency. Then that ends, and then we're like, Well, fuck you. I don't need a man ever again, like I don't need anybody else. But we're doing it out of a place of fear, right? We're kind of doing it from this place of, I'm just going to put my walls up, and then I can't get hurt again, and I'll just do it all on my own. And I think it's about, first of all, recognise that in yourself and going, okay, how can I start to just receive a bit more? Maybe it's that friend saying, Hey, do you want me to come around and help you with, like, redecorating that bedroom you're redecorating. Instead of being like, no, no, babe, I'll do it all alone. You're like, yeah, that would be really nice, actually. Or the neighbour says, Oh, I'm nipping to the shops. You want me to pick anything up? Actually? Do you know what? I do need something that would be amazing, and just allowing ourselves to receive that support, having more open, direct, honest communication, and also being in touch with how we feel, and allowing ourselves to feel that and move through what's coming up. 

Sarah Elizabeth  20:37

That's so true, because I'm I'm very, very bad at asking for help, and if someone's offering to help, I'm like, no, no, I don't need anybody. I'm fine, you know, but, I mean, I genuinely am happy single, but that's taken a long time, but it's almost like this kind of roller coaster. You're going up one minute, you're needy next minute, you're you're not next minute. And it's kind of just finding that emotional balance, and, like you say, being self aware as well. One of the chapters that we just released on the Know your worth book in this month's book club. But there's, it's a great book. There's journal exercises at the end of each chapter, and kind of going through them. One of the things is all the ways in which we distract ourselves, because we do try and push down the feelings, because we're told it's uncomfortable. And one of the things in in the chapter that's just come out talking about how, as you know, when we've got children as parents, we were like, if the child is crying or, you know, as upset or want something, we try and placate them. We try to stop crying. We're like, you know, if they fall over and hurt themselves, we'll give them sweets or chocolate or, you know, it's sent this message as a child that it's not okay to feel those feelings. And then, and then, when we find ourselves in a place where we do need to feel the feels we we fight against it, and for me, for me, definitely dating was a way to distract myself from what I was feeling, as opposed to dating for the right reasons, but that was definitely a thing for me. So if we've started to do the work, we've become aware.We've started to think about, okay, maybe we want to date. We've decided we want to date. Now you've got a free guide right to glowing up your dating bio, which I love. Like, where do you start with the whole dating site thing? Because, like, I was 17 when, when I met my ex husband, I was suddenly single at 40. When I went on there, the whole dating and bio and all of that stuff, it was like a fucking wild west out there. Where do you really start with all of that? Because it, it is terrifying when you've never done it before. You know. And I did do an episode on dating, but it was very much from the hyper independent, cynical lens so give us the proper advice Claire.

Claire Grigson  23:10

And first of all, I totally resonate with that, Sarah, because I was the same, right, like when I was single mid 30s. For the first time, I was like, my god, like, how do I even start with this, and it felt exciting, but like you, I was using it very much as a distraction thing. So it's like, oh, well, if I'm busy swiping on Tinder, going out on dates, I'm not actually having to, like, process the real emotional pain, like all the stuff that's really there. And I would say, like, kind of practical advice when it comes to the apps and the websites. I would say, first of all, like, just pick one. So there's so many different apps out there. There's Tinder, there's Bumble, there's hinge, there's field, which are all the apps I'm very familiar with, because I've used them all at different points. There's also, like, the dating websites I've used match.com, previously, there's eHarmony, there's Facebook, dating. There's so many different things, but I would say, pick one and stick with that, because otherwise it gets so overwhelming. I feel like, well, I've got four apps on my phone and I'm trying to update everything. Like it's just, it's like, full time admin job, right? Unless you really want to be doing that, I would advise against it. When it comes to your bio, what you really want to be looking for is attracting less of the right type of people, if that makes sense. So a mistake that I see a lot of people making is trying to make their profile as generic as possible so they can be attractive to as many people as possible. So it's very kind of like, oh well, like, I love dogs and going for walks and going for a Sunday roast. And I'm like, That's awesome, but so does everybody else on this app. Yeah, like, nobody is going to is going to go, oh, that's something that's really sparked my interest. And I would say, What is something that is different about you? What is there, like, a niche interest? What is the thing that you actually really love, but you're almost, like, a little bit shy to share? Put that on your dating profile, because it's sharing those kind of things that are going to make somebody else go, oh, my god, me too. Like, what you want is someone to have a me too moment when they look through your profile and I won't put I won't share everything. There's so many things that you can do, but I would definitely say my feeling is like when it comes to putting photos up. First photo, clear headshot of you don't have group shots, because then everyone's going, well, who is it? And who's who which? And you don't want that right, like you want it to be clear that this is your profile. And the second thing that I see in a lot of women's profiles, and I think this is a reflection of how social media is. There's a lot of filters. And what I can tell you is the majority of guys I speak to that are securely attached, men that are really looking for a partner to settle down with, they find that massively off putting using filters. And I know that that can sometimes feel tricky, because as women, there's so much pressure on us to never age and to always look youthful. But what I would say is, really do put photos up that are representative of how you look in real life, because the right person is going to think you're a fucking babe, like they don't want to date someone with a filter they want to date you. So that would be two of the big things. Have a bio that's unique enough that someone goes, Oh, my god, me too. And second of all, have photos up that really are representative of you and don't hide behind like, filtered or edited images. And there's a lot of them. I sometimes have gone on the apps just to have a look at people's profiles and things, and I do think that it decreases the chance of finding someone who's like, like, I really, really am looking for a serious relationship, and I know what I want, and securely attached filtered photos do attract a certain type of person? 

Sarah Elizabeth  26:47

It's true, isn't it? Because it is. It's a distorted reality. And actually,you're not actually being your real self, and therefore the person isn't really with you or attracting to you, is, are they? You know, it's really true how that kind of puts a different light. But I suppose again, it comes back to our self worth and our self esteem and how we see ourselves. And there's so much you know, comparisonitis generally on social media, and then see other people doing things and looking a certain way. We all think that we've got to look that way as well. And, you know, that gets really hard because it we we want to be the one that's been chosen, yeah, and so that that's where it kind of ends up with this going down the wrong road and being chosen by the wrong men again, 

Claire Grigson  27:49

yeah. And I think the other thing to remember is that this is something I speak to my clients about a lot. They'll they'll bring up, you know, I'm just not getting chosen. No one's choosing me. And it's like, No babe, like you're the one that gets to do the choosing. Who are you choosing? Because everyone that you've dated so far has been a decision. It's been a choice that you've made to either continue that or allow that behaviour. And I think all as women like we have to remember that we get to choose. Yeah, and I don't know if you feel like this, Sarah, but I feel like we're fed so many Disney fairy tale stories as we're growing up, even now, I've got a little niece, and she's almost three, and I'm so aware that she's so into like Disney princesses and all these stories. And in all of these stories, like a lot of the characters are waiting to be chosen by the prince, it's starting to change a little bit. Now, some of the fairy tales are a little bit more modern, but when we were grown up, right? It was the story of, oh, we wait to get chosen. It's like, no, hang on a minute. We get to choose, like we get to decide who we let into our lives and who we have our relationship with. So I think that's also really important as well. But I hear you, there's so much comparison on social media, and it's hard to being a woman, when we see so many filtered images and there's so much pressure on us as well, like, not to age, we're expected to look a certain, do you know, like, well, I should look like the way I looked when I was 25 and it's like, well, no, of course, that's not gonna happen. It's just nuts. I

Sarah Elizabeth  29:17

It is such a weird sort of dynamic, isn't it? I mean, yeah, I always say about the Disney diet, it's just so I've got like, four granddaughters, and it like terrifies me that they're kind of growing up in that same mindset, in a way that it's kind of because it did, and I've said it before, you know, you know, in when I met my ex husband, I didn't think about whether I wanted him. It was that he wanted me. I didn't actually stop to question if I wanted him as well. And even, you know, afterwards with the commitment phobe, and a thing with a narcissist the last one it was, it was that they wanted me. I It wasn't that I'm actually. Wanted when I really dug deep and was like, what is it about them? Didn't actually want them anyway, you know? But it was just that fear about being not chosen. But, like, I say, it always comes back to that worth and that confidence, right? So, how do we get the confidence to put ourselves out there in the first place? Like, I mean, it's such a bit of a loaded question, because it's like, huge, isn't it? The whole confidence thing, but, but just being able to be be able to say no, this is not what I want. This is what I want, and having that confidence in ourselves to say yes or no and make that choice for ourselves. 

Claire Grigson  30:44

And you know, I think the first step is really getting clarity on what it is that you want and what's important. I speak to so many women, and they're like, Well, I want a relationship. And I'm like, Okay, but what do you really want? Oh, I've not really thought about that. And it's like when you get really clear on who you are as a person, what your values are, what are your non negotiables? What are like, your preferences, the things that would be nice, what's important to you, what like lights up your belly, what life are you creating for yourself when you have all of that? And then you decide, You know what, I'm going to start dating again, and you take action on that. It's much easier if you already have all of that in place, because it will become obvious more quickly whether someone's in alignment with that or not. I know when I started dating after my divorce, probably about six months after I'd split up for my ex husband, I had no idea what I was looking for, and the results I had in dating absolutely reflected that like there was some fucking stories, oh, my God. And when I started to actually do the work on, okay, like, what's important to me? What are my values? What kind of relationship I want to create? What am I non negotiables? The results that I had were very, very different. Like, I have been in multiple relationships with amazing, secure men. They've not been quite the right match for me, but they have been amazing people. And I think getting that clarity and that piece around confidence, I say this a lot, confidence isn't about waiting to feel something. It's about actually just taking action. And when you start to take action, you start to go, do you know what? I might not always get the outcome that I want, but I'm always prepared to learn and grow from it. Your confidence builds as a result of that, because so often women will or and men will hold themselves back from date. So like, I'll just wait until I feel really confident in myself. Could be waiting fucking forever. None of us feel 100% confident in anything, right? So I think it's about having that clarity and then starting to take the action on it, and just being open to learning and growing. And when you can see every date that you go on as an opportunity for growth, regardless of what the outcome is, takes the pressure off as well. And I would also say, I think sometimes what can happen is people go on dates and are like, right? Well, I've got my checklist of questions I'm going to ask them, and I need to see if they're compatible. I would say just see it as, like, making a new connection. Yeah, maybe it doesn't go anywhere. Maybe it does. Maybe this is a romantic connection. Maybe this is just a friend. See if you can be, like, really, really open to that and allowing things to just develop, rather than trying to push things down a path of, oh, well, do you know what? Actually, there's a few non negotiables here, but I really want to be in a relationship, so I'm just going to try and force this forward. And I know for myself, I've got a couple of really amazing male friends that I've made through meeting on the Dayton apps, going on a date with them, and being like this. We're not aligned, like, long term with things like what we want, like for a long term future, but they're great person, and we get on really, really well. So I think, yeah, you can just create opportunities for yourself when you can just be open to seeing is making connections. 

Sarah Elizabeth  33:53

Yeah, totally, totally. I say that. I say have have kind of an idea of must haves nice to have, and then absolute no nos, because definitely the the men that I've dated or had relationships with have had been on the absolute no no list, but it ignored that like a red flag. Oh, it's a circus.

Claire Grigson 34:19

I love red

Sarah Elizabeth  34:29

yeah, it's just like, you just do that, don't you? So I think that is so important to and confidence, ultimately, is self trust, and it all comes back to that again, that's taking those steps and and building that trust in yourself, that you've got this, you know, you've really, you've really, kind of got this, if, if you end up going on a date and you're not feeling it. I. What, what do you say? What's your advice in that sort of situation? Do you kind of get the hell out quickly, or do you just sort of suck it up? 

Claire Grigson  35:07

It depends what you mean by not feeling it. So if someone is saying, I'm not feeling it because I feel unsafe or there's major red flags, yeah, absolutely, get out the situation. Yeah, if it's a I'm not feeling it, because I've met this person and yeah, they're attractive, and yeah, they're seem cool, but I'm not feeling massive fireworks or butterflies. I would say, Give it another couple of dates, because when we are anxiously attached, we tend to be more drawn to people who are avoidant. And what happens is we can mistake chemistry for actually, nervous system dysregulation, so excitement for anxiety. So if it's more like, I'm not feeling it, because actually, like, yeah, like, they're attractive and they're a cool person, but I don't feel these instant fireworks and spark. I'd say maybe give it another date or two. And if nothing is growing in that time, you know that maybe that's not your person and let it go. But if it's, oh, I'm not feeling it because I genuinely feel unsafe, then, yeah, absolutely do not put yourself in a situation where you're like, No, this isn't right. But I think for like men often need to feel that kind of instant attraction for it to be something they want to pursue with women, it's nice. We can just give it a few dates. It can grow for us as we start to get to know somebody. We can be like, actually, he's kind of, like, pretty fit. I think maybe I fancy him, and we might not necessarily feel that instant attraction straight away. And I have quite a number of friends that are in, like, long term healthy relationships now, and they said the same. They're like, wasn't really that sure about in the first few days. Like, I really wasn't that Sure, and you just kind of like, grew on me, and now I can't imagine my life without Yeah, I would say, yeah. Like, if you go on three dates with someone and you're feeling absolutely nothing, like, of course, don't continue to invest time and energy, but don't write off someone who's potentially great for you that is actually attractive just based on the fact that you don't feel instant fireworks on the first date. 

Sarah Elizabeth  37:07

I think that's such valuable advice as well, because coming back to that kind of Disney diet mentality, particularly when we're anxious attached, it's kind of this concept that someone's going to fall in love immediately, and it's all going to be hearts and flowers and all love. And, you know, they tell you they love you on date three or some shit. And we fall for that, like we fall for that crap, but actually someone that is securely attached, that wouldn't be happening and it and then it grows as a natural progression, rather than that instant we look for that fire, when, actually it just needs a little bit of a tiny spark, right, to keep, yeah, get things going. 

Claire Grigson  37:56

Yeah. We just need, like, some embers, a bit of a warm glue that they can kind of, yes, spend more time kind of growing and getting to know the other person. And I say to all my clients, like, you just need to slow it down when it comes to dating. And, like, slow it down. Slow down the pace. And let somebody show you who they are, because a lot of even people who are avoidantly attached will show up very, keen for the first, you know, six weeks to three months, yeah. And then as there's more emotional intimacy growing, they get more uncomfortable, and they start to pull back. And that's when you start to see, like, oh, actually, like, they don't seem as interested anymore. And when you've just thrown yourself in something like, Oh, my God, he's amazing. We're going to get married and have three kids, and you're only, like, five dates, and then, of course, it's going to feel really devastating, but when you've kind of paced yourself, you're like, now this isn't cool. Like, I don't want someone that's inconsistent, like, I want somebody that wants the same thing that I do. So I definitely think there's a lot to be said for just slowing things down, but it also has to be growing as well. Like, I'm not saying to anyone dates someone slowly for three months, and I'm like, no, like, you can absolutely have, like, security and healthy chemistry. And it's, it's really just finding that balance. 

Sarah Elizabeth  39:12

It is that balance, isn't it? Because then we we can go the other way, where it's that kind of sunk cost, where it's like, we've all invested so much time and energy into this, like we want to try and make it work, even when it's not really working. So it is finding that balance. Claire, this has been absolutely amazing. You've given honestly, so many, like, lovely, juicy takeaways. Thank you. Honestly, love it, love it, love it. Um, hopefully they'll be getting excited about dating again, 

Claire Grigson  39:42

I hope so, just loving single life as well and just being in that energy. Like, yeah, absolutely such a powerful space to be in. Like, what if 2025, is the last year that you're single? Like, how are you going to make the most out of it? What do you. To do, 

Sarah Elizabeth  40:01

And that's very different energy, isn't it? Yeah, 100%, so Claire, if you could leave us with one key bit of advice to take away, one super tip, if you like, what would it be? 

Claire Grigson  40:17

It's always, always going to be like, the most important relationship you'll ever have is with yourself. So invest in that first, like, you're the only person you're guaranteed to wake up next to every day for the rest of your life. You're not guaranteed that with anybody else. So yeah, like, invest in yourself. Get to know yourself, and all the good things that you want are going to come from that space. 

Sarah Elizabeth  40:39

Oh, that's beautiful. I love that. I love that. It's very, very true. Thank you. I have one final, final question. I host the divorce Book Club, which is a monthly membership podcast based book club based on all things divorce, relationships and personal development.What personal development book Claire, have you read that's had the most impact on you? And why? 

Claire Grigson  41:05

Well, I love this question. This is so good, and this is maybe a little bit of a surprise for people, but it's not our loving relationship. Book, The Untethered Soul, by Michael singer, who is a really renowned spiritual teacher, and it is the most beautiful book on spirituality that I have ever met. And my copy is so well thumbed, because whenever I go through a time in my life where I feel uncertain, where there's been a challenge, where maybe I'm starting to doubt myself, it's something that I bring out, and it just brings me so much comfort to remember that like we are just like a tiny, tiny little grain of sand in the universe, like we get to have big impact, but we're so much more than just our thoughts and our belief system and like our conditioning. And it's just a really, really, really beautiful book, and it's one that I recommend to all my clients, whether I'm working with them in the dating and relationship coaching space or the veterinary coaching space. And yeah, it's probably the book that's had the biggest impact on me, 

Sarah Elizabeth  42:12

I love the title as well, untethered. 

Claire Grigson  42:14

So, oh, it's a gorgeous book. If you've not read it, I would highly recommend it. 

Sarah Elizabeth  42:19

It willGo On the very long TBR the to be read list is ridiculous. It all gets added one day.That's amazing. Claire, thank you so much. Where can listeners find you if they want to know more? Because you've got your glow up dating bio, freebie. You've got free meditation as well, right? 

Claire Grigson  42:43

I do, yes. Where do listeners find you? Absolutely, Instagram. So at confessions of the dating coach, I've also got quite a big following on Tiktok. So that is Claire underscore Gregson, underscore coaching. I couldn't get confessions of the Dating Coach. There's too many characters. I think if you could click on confessions of a dating coach I still come up, though, and I'm on Facebook as well. Claire Gregson, life coach, and you can drop me an email as well. Claire@clairegrigson.com if anyone has anything, 

Sarah Elizabeth  43:13

I will leave all of the details in the show notes as well. So please do go and check out. Claire for all the inspo. Claire, you've been absolutely brilliant. I've really loved it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for coming on the podcast, and thank you to listeners as well for listening in to Claire and the divorce chapter. Now, if any of Claire's listeners want to get involved in our little we don't know if it's competition, if it's a draw, we don't know what it is. If you'd like to leave a glowing review of the episode, please go to wherever you listen to your podcast and hopefully write something lovely. And the important bit is screenshot that and that review and email it to me, Sarah with an H at the divorce book club.com, again, I'll leave all the deets in the show notes and all the entries emailed to me, we'll go into a draw competition thing at the end of March to win a 25 quid Amazon voucher. So you know, can't be bad for a few seconds of writing so nice, can it? So now that is it. That's definitely all from me and from Claire. Thank you so much again. Claire, thank you, and I will be back in your beautiful earbuds again next week. Until then, I am sending you so much love. Bye,

Claire Grigson  44:29

bye, guys, bye.


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