EP78 Are You Sabotaging Your Own Happiness After Divorce? Here’s How to Stop

💡 What if the reason you keep ending up in the same patterns….relationships, finances, confidence….has nothing to do with bad luck and everything to do with your internal thermostat?

In this episode, I’m looking at one of the biggest mindset shifts you can make after divorce…. raising your internal thermostat.

Think about it….your brain, much like your home heating system, has a set point for what it believes is normal. If it’s set to struggle in relationships, in money, in self-worth… guess what? No matter how much you want to change, your subconscious will pull you right back to that same old temperature.

🚨 Ever wondered why…

🔥 You keep dating the same emotionally unavailable people?
🔥 You get a financial windfall… only to suddenly have an unexpected expense wipe it out?
🔥 No matter how much self-work you do, you still don’t feel “worthy” of more?

That’s your thermostat, love. And it’s time to turn it the hell up.

🎙️ In this episode, we’re covering:

✔️ How your subconscious thermostat controls your life (without you even realising)
✔️ How to identify your set point in love, money, and self-esteem
✔️ The sneaky ways we sabotage ourselves when things start feeling too good
✔️ How to reprogram your thermostat…. so your new normal is actually what you deserve

💭 Are you a thermostat, setting the temperature for your life? Or just a thermometer, reacting to whatever happens?

If you’re ready to start raising the bar on your life after divorce….one degree at a time…. This episode is for you.

Let’s go and crank it up 🔥

Loads of Love 

Sarah x

🌸

P.S. And if you also want a chance at winning a £25 Amazon Gift Voucher, simply:

1. Write a review of the episode wherever you listen to your podcasts.
2. Screenshot your review
3. Send the screenshot of the review AND tell me if you want either the free journal prompts to get your ex out your head or else the free guide to the top books to take you from heartbreak to healing after divorce (or both) and email all of this to sarah@thedivorcebookclub.com

P.P.S. We’re going deep this month in The Divorce Book Club with Know Your Worth by Anna Mathur….helping you break out of low self-worth cycles for good. It is SO good! Join us here ⬇️

THE DIVORCE BOOK CLUB
 
https://patreon.com/thedivorcebookclub

FREE Guide to the 10 MUST read divorce books after divorce

https://thedivorcebookclub.com/free-resources/

INSTAGRAM

https://www.instagram.com/thedivorcechapter

Chapters

• 0:00 Is it Menopause? Is it Rebellion? Who knows but I HATE coats!
• 3:03 Are we actually all just walking, talking thermostats?
• 8:08 When our internal thermostat is turned down, in relationships, money.... and every where bloody else
• 10:33 Where is your thermostat currently set?
• 12:02 Raising the Bar.... Cos this ain't Limbo
• 16:42 Show your brain that you're f*cking worth it.... because you are
• 20:06 You control your thermostat.... stop waiting for someone else to turn up the heat
• 21:51 Know Your Worth

Transcript

Sarah Elizabeth  00:00

Hello and welcome back to the divorce chapter with me. Your host, Sarah Elizabeth. This is a podcast where we raise the bar on our new lives post divorce, and literally this week, because this week, we're raising the bar by well and truly upping the temperature, yes, we are. Now in the UK, at least right now it's a bit rain and misery. The leaves have long fallen, and with them, so did the freaking temperature, which means your heating bill is rising faster than your serotonin levels in the summer. Now, I, for one, do not like being cold in my house, though, for some bizarre reason, which I'm not even sure is menopause related, before anyone starts, everywhere else outside of my house, I'm usually pretty warm. I almost never wear a coat, very rarely, which seems to really annoy everyone else. I'm not entirely sure why, but people really don't like me not wearing a coat. For some reason, I get very odd looks on the train at seven o'clock in the morning, when I'm just in the vest top, but I just get warm. Okay, let me live my life, or at least I think I do. Personally, I think it might also be a bit of a throwback to my 10 year old rebellious self, who used to get so pissed off by being forced to wear hats and coats and shit by the parents but anyway. That's just me. I get hot but in my house, I get cold, really bloody cold, and I hate it, so I ramp up the old heating and have a daily dance with the thermostat, which brings me to today's episode. 

Sarah Elizabeth  01:54

Now, a few weeks ago, I talked about how your identity is a bit like being on a thermostat. Think about it, if your thermostat is set to a certain temperature, like, say, 20 degrees centigrade, right? You open a window on a freezing cold day, the heat is going to kick in to bring it back up to 20 degrees. If it's over 20 degrees, though, that heat ain't kicking in for love, nor money. So what if it's not just the heating? What if we're all actually walking, talking thermostats? Because Have you ever noticed that no matter how much you want to change, whether it's your identity, relationships money, you somehow end up back where you started? And that is because your brain is like a goddamn thermostat. Let me explain your brain thermostat is set to a certain level. If it's set to, I'm just a wife, you won't know who to be on your own after divorce. If it's set to, I'll never have enough money. You'll always seem to end up at the same bloody minus number in the bank. If it's set to it's too late for me to start over. You'll feel like you spent your best bloody years married, and now it's too late. And when you have these kinds of thoughts, guess what happens? Anytime you start growing beyond that, your subconscious kicks in to pull you back to your old, familiar setting, just like a thermostat cooling a room down when it gets to hot. If you want a different life after divorce, you have to raise the temperature if you still see yourself as the same person from your marriage, and not raise the status quo on the old thermostat, your brain will pull you back into old habits, old doubts, old Fears. So today, we're gonna dig into the metaphorical thermostat of life. We're going deep, like under the floorboards of your soul, kind of deep, so that hopefully by the end, you'll know exactly how to adjust your inner thermostat so that you can start living the life you truly deserve. Ready? Let's crank it up. 

Sarah Elizabeth  04:41

Okay, let's start with the basics. A thermostat. It's a simple little gadget, right? Like I said, you sell it to 20 degrees, it does what it needs to keep you there. If it gets too cold, the heating kicks in. If it gets too warm, you're throwing open windows or start fanning yourself like a Victorian lady who's just been told she can't marry Mr. Darcy. But here's the thing, right? We all have an internal thermostat as well. It's not just for physical warmth, menopause or not love. It controls how comfortable we feel in life. It governs our relationships, our finances, even our self esteem, and just like that trusty little dial on the wall, our internal thermostat is programmed to a set point. So let's say your relationship thermostat is set to barely tolerable. Maybe that's because of the relationships you saw growing up. You might have seen your parents bickering, your friends, parents divorcing or it may be that your first love ghosted you after you Lent them your favorite hoodie. Or maybe it has been the shitshows of adult toxic wankers, whatever it was, your brain has learned this is normal. This is what I deserve. And here's the kicker, when we find ourselves in a relationship that's healthier or more loving than that, we panic. It feels too warm. It's too hot in here, we subconsciously crack open a window. Maybe we start picking fights or doubting the person's intentions or sabotaging the whole damn thing just to get back to our normal, our set point. And this thermostat metaphor isn't just for relationships. Oh, good God no, love. It's creeping into your bank account and all let's say you're used to having two grand in your bank account at any given time. It's your financial comfort zone. If it dips below that, maybe you've splurged on a weekend away or replaced the washing machine. You hustle to top it back up. You might sell some stuff on eBay or pick up an extra shift at work. But here's the weird part, if you suddenly find yourself with three grand in the bank instead of two, your brain freaks out. What is this abundance? This feels unsafe, and suddenly you're hit with a unexpected car repair, a tire blowout, or a wild urge to buy something completely unnecessary, like an air fire or an inflatable hot tub, anything to get you back to your comfort zone. That brains are funny little fuckers aren't they? They'll do whatever it takes to maintain that set point, whether it's in money, love, happiness. So what the fuckity fuck do we do when your thermostat is set to freaking low. 

Sarah Elizabeth  07:43

Well in relationships, this might mean that you're tolerating behavior that's well sub zero. Maybe you're with someone who's dismissive, unkind or downright fucking toxic, but because that's your normal. You stick around. You tell yourself, this is how relationships are. In your finances, it might mean you're stuck in a cycle of just scraping by, even when opportunities for more come along, you self sabotage because deep down, you don't believe you're worthy of that abundance. It's why lottery winners often seem to blow it. They win the lottery. It's like, oh, the goddamn dream will win the lottery. They're fucking skin again. A year later, they're skin again because they haven't raised their set point. And in your self esteem, a low thermostat might mean you're settling for a life that's much smaller than what you're capable of, you dim your own light, you play it safe. Avoid taking risks, because anything else feels too much. So how do we fix this? How do we adjust our internal thermostat to a higher, healthier setting now that we know what our internal thermostat is and why it controls so much of our experience, the big question becomes, how do we reprogramme the damn thing? If your thermostat is currently set to just surviving in love, money, confidence, whatever it is, it's time to shift that dial upwards. But we're not talking about suddenly blasting the heat to tropical levels. Real lasting change is like simmering soup, slow, intentional and bloody delicious when it's ready. 

Sarah Elizabeth  09:34

Well, first up to change this, to up the dial as always, like for all this shit, awareness is key, you have to notice your patterns. Do you always end up in relationships where you're doing all the emotional hard work? Are you constantly broke no matter how much you earn? Pay attention to where your thermostat seems to be set. You can't change what you're not aware of. So first things first, do an honest inventory. Where is your thermostat currently set in all the different areas of your life? Do an actual temperature check on a scale of one to 10, rate the areas based on your current comfort zone. 10 relationships. Do you feel worthy of being loved without conditions. Is that a 10, or is it a one money? What's your normal financial state? Just enough constant stress or abundance as fuck, darling. Self esteem. Are you confident? Or do you shrink yourself to fit others expectations? If you do a temperature check and start to notice patterns of low temperatures, shall we say, like always being broke or tolerating these shit relationships, congratulations, you found where your thermostat is stuck, love and awareness is the first step to freedom. So now we reprogramme. 

Sarah Elizabeth  11:00

We raise the bar because this ain't limbo. We're not aiming for the bar to be as low as Bloody possible. We want that shit high. We want to redefine normal and up that set point. It does take time, like I said, slow and simmering. Think of it like upgrading old software. You can't just delete years of conditioning overnight. It's about gradually teaching your brain that it's safe to operate at a higher set point. As I said, our brains are funny little fuckers. They cling on to what they know even when it's uncomfortable, because familiarity feels safe. Familiar pain is better than unfamiliar pleasure. Seriously, our brains are fucked up. So let's say right your current relationship set point is always living in doubt, never sure where you stand. You might think that love always comes with a side of drama, but that's not the truth. It's just the story your thermostat is telling you, or like with money. Imagine you've always thought earning two grand a month was air quotes. Good enough. When you suddenly make five grand a month, your brain freaks out. This is too much. Spend it, lose it. There was a study done of women going into business right after a corporate career, and most of them never, ever earned more than their last salary as an employee. If they left the corporate world earning 50 grand a year, their business took in 50 grand a year. If they left their job at 80 grand a year, their business took in 80 grand a year, not because they couldn't earn more, but because their set point was fixed. To raise your set point, you need to train your brain to see five grand a month, 10 grand a month, whatever it is you want, you need to learn to see it not as a windfall, but as the new normal. So wherever you're trying to raise the bar, learn to visualise it every day. Spend a few minutes visualising what your life looks like at that higher set point. Imagine yourself in a loving, respectful relationship. What does that feel like? Remember, the brain can't tell the difference between real and imagined, so let it feel good. Feel safe with whatever it is that you want. Picture your bank account with more than enough money feel how normal that abundance is. This isn't just woo, woo shit. It rewires your brain to accept a higher set point. It might mean starting small and nudging it up one degree at a time. So if you're used to chasing people who give you crumbs of attention, start setting some boundaries the next time someone doesn't treat you well, instead of explaining yourself or begging for their time and attention, say this ain't working for me and walk away, even if it feels a bit uncomfortable. Walk away if you're used to spending everything you earn, challenge yourself to save just 1% of your income, then 5% then 10% we might mean leaving that extra grand in your bank account and resisting the urge to spend it. It isn't about making one huge leap. It's about consistently choosing actions that stretch you just a little bit beyond your comfort zone. Every day, ask yourself, What's one small thing I can do today that pushes me slightly out of my comfort zone? Say no to something that doesn't serve you. Invest in something that builds your future. Speak up in a meeting, or post that real on Instagram, update that dating bio, whatever it looks like, every tiny action turns up the thermostat a degree, and also every time you raise your thermostat, even if it's only by one degree, celebrate. This ain't about going from 10 to 30 degrees overnight. It's about gradual, sustainable change. Inch to raise and sustain that set point. We often wait until we've air quotes made it to celebrate, but raising your set point is about every little step along the way. So it could be that you start a new ritual to celebrate your progress, if you got through a week without sabotaging your new healthy relationship. Celebrate with a treat or a date. Night Out If you've saved 500 quid without touching it, do a happy dance like an abundance as fuck bitch. Celebration cements progress, and also your brain needs that proof that a higher set point is safe. So give it evidence. Give it the evidence it wants. If your thermostat is set to I'm not good enough, start collecting evidence that you fucking are. 

Sarah Elizabeth  15:53

This month in the divorce book club, we're reading Know your worth by Anna Martha and I cannot praise it enough. One of the biggest takeaways from it, though, is something we all know, but let's say about this book that really hammers it home. It's that our worth, our value, does not change according to what other people think, and we have to start to take that on board. So keep a journal of compliments. Wins times you showed up as your best God Himself. Show your brain that you fucking are worth it. Or something I do with the grandkids, if I'm there at bedtime, I ask them what was the best thing from the day? Teach them gratitude and shit young, you know, but you could turn that into one or two things you did well that day, and write that shit down doesn't have to be huge. Maybe you spoke kindly to yourself or made a healthy decision over time, this list almost becomes undeniable proof that you're capable and you're worthy. And while you're looking at how well you're doing, also take a look at the people around you and whether they're lowering your set point. And all you've probably heard that you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Well, guess what? That includes their fucking thermostats. If your mates are stuck in low set point, thinking, complaining about bad relationships, scarcity, self doubt, it's going to be really goddamn hard to raise your own thermostat. So ask yourself, are the people around me lifting me up or keeping me stuck? If they're dragging you down, you might want to start looking out for people, mentors, friends who operate at higher set point. Ain't much for support squad if they're keeping you at Sub Zero love. And you know, when you do raise your set point, it's gonna feel weird as fuck. You'll be so tempted to sabotage yourself just to get back to what feels normal. Let's take you to finally find someone kind and respectful. Maybe you listened to Confessions of a dating coach last week, and Claire sorted you right out. So let's say you've met a diamond diamond geezer, your old thermostat might scream. Suddenly you're nitpicking everything they do or pushing them away. So when you do notice yourself wanting to revert to those old patterns, pause, breathe, remind yourself this discomfort is growth. I'm raising my set point over time what once felt uncomfortable will become your new normal. And if it does get a bit tough, keep reminding yourself while you're doing this, what does your life look like when your thermostat is set higher? Think about your ideal day as if you're already living at your new set point. How'd you feel? What you do? Who are you with? 

Sarah Elizabeth  19:02

Keep checking in with it to keep yourself motivated. Remember you are the thermostat of your own life. You don't have to wait for someone else to turn up the heat. You've got the power to do it yourself. So go out there and start adjusting that dial little by little, degree by degree, until your life is warm, abundant as fuck, and exactly what you deserve. And just before we do wrap up on this, I just quickly want to touch on one last thing, the difference between a thermostat and a thermometer. A thermometer just reacts to the environment. If it's cold, it shows cold. If it's hot, it shows hot. It's passive, but a thermostat, a thermostat controls the environment. It decides what the temperature should be, and works to maintain it. So which one are you being in your life? Are you a thermometer reacting to whatever life throws at you? I. While you're a thermostat, setting the temperature high and taking charge. Here's your challenge for the coming week. Take a good odd look at your internal thermostat. Where's it set? Where does it need to be? Where do you want it to be? Remember, it's not about going from freezing to scorching in one go, it's about slowly, steadily turning up the dial until your life feels as warm and cozy and inviting as a perfectly heated home on a cold winter night. So stay warm, stay wonderful, and remember that you control the temperature of your life. You're controlling this. How fast is that? You may have spent years fighting over who gets the remote control, but this thermostat love it's all yours for the taking. So go raise the goddamn bar, 

Sarah Elizabeth  20:53

and whilst you're raising the bar with your self worth and all, don't forget to check out now your worth in the divorce book club. Honestly, it is so so good. I've got a freebie for the 10 best books to read after heartbreak. I'm actually going to put this one on there. I don't know if it's make it 11 or cut one out. I don't know, but I'm going to put it on there. It is so fucking good. And every chapter ends with a load of journal prompts, which I've been going through mine truly, on the book club episodes, it's been deep. I can neither confirm nor deny that they may have been a few tears. It may or may not have been a bit emotional. 52 years of fucking hating myself. It's all coming out. I'm telling you amazing my own bye. Bye for him at all. So if you do want all the tea, as they say, it's never too late, as all the back episodes are there for all current members, believe me, this month is worth it alone. All the dates are in the show notes, and don't forget too, to be in with a chance of a cheeky 25 quid Amazon voucher. If you can write a quick and preferably lovely review of this week's episode, take a screenshot of it and send it to Sarah at the divorce book club.com you're going to a draw at the end of March to win a voucher, and that is it, I think, for me this week, thank you. Thank you. Thank you for listening as always, it genuinely, genuinely means the world to me. So thank you, and I will be back in your beautiful earbuds again next time. Sending you so much love. Until then, bye, bye.