The Divorce Chapter

EP80 The Secret Life You Never Knew Existed: How Infidelity Warps Your Reality

• Sarah Elizabeth • Episode 80

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🚨 TRIGGER WARNING: This episode discusses betrayal trauma, gaslighting, and infidelity as a system of psychological abuse.

Welcome to The Divorce Chapter. 

In this eye-opening episode, we’re pulling back the curtain on Dr. Omar Minwalla’s concept of "The Secret Sexual Basement." If you’ve ever felt blindsided by betrayal, gaslit into doubting your own reality, or struggled to piece together what was actually real in your relationship….this episode is a MUST listen.


In This Episode, We Cover:

🔹 What The Secret Sexual Basement really is (hint: infidelity is not just about sex… it’s an entire system of deception).
🔹 The ten steps to understanding infidelity as a system of abuse.
🔹 How betrayal rewires your brain, body, and sense of reality.
🔹 The psychological fallout of discovery…. why it's more than just heartbreak.
🔹 How to rebuild trust in yourself after being deceived.
🔹 The societal collusion that enables and excuses deceptive sexuality.
🔹 Practical steps to reclaim your narrative, re-establish your reality, and reset your standards.

🔗 Learn more about Dr. Omar Minwalla’s work: https://minwallamodel.com/

🎧 Listen now and remember: You are so much stronger than the secret basement. 💪

Loads of Love 

Sarah x

🌸

🎁 P.S. Want to win a £25 Amazon voucher? Leave a review for the episode, email a screenshot to sarah@thedivorcebookclub.com and you’ll be entered into our March prize draw! Don’t forget to tell me which freebies you’d like too 💖


Want More? Join The Divorce Book Club!

📚 This March, we’re reading Runaway Husbands by Vikki Stark… This book unpacks the patterns and stages of what’s termed "Wife Abandonment Syndrome."

Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife's Guide to Recovery and Renewal: Amazon.co.uk

Whether you've personally encountered a runaway husband or not (personally I feel like infidelity has very similar patterns), reading this with the Divorce Book Club will share experiences, give some expert insights through the private podcasts, and just generally give you so much strength that comes from a community going through similar sh*t. 

Check it out below ⬇️

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Sarah Elizabeth  00:00

Hello, and welcome back to the divorce chapter podcast, or if you're new here, hello, hello. I'm Sarah Elizabeth, and this podcast is all about turning the divorce plot twist into happy ever after and finding your best goddamn self after divorce. Now today's episode is one of those pull back the curtain, light bulb moments, if you will. That will change how you understand betrayal, deception and why infidelity isn't just about sex, not air quotes only infidelity. It's about a whole system of secrecy and manipulation. It's the web of deception, the gas lighting, the absolute erosion of trust. We're going deep. And I mean, all in on Dr Omar Minwalla's concept of the secret sexual basement, which sounds a bit like what? But trust me, this episode is a must listen if you've ever felt blindsided by betrayal and thought, how the hell did I not see this? If you've been made to feel freaking nuts for suspecting something was off, but they make you believe you were cray, cray. And if you're struggling to piece together what was actually real in your relationship, you need this, but we do come with a bit of a trigger warning, because some of what I'm going to be talking about today may well feel very shitty and downright uncomfortable, but but will also be incredibly validating, because if you've been through this shit show, you already know damn well just how deeply it fucks with your sense of reality, right? So in this episode, we're going to be looking at what the secret sexual basement actually is why cheating is never just about the act. It's about a pattern of deception and a distorted reality. We're going to cover the psychological fallout of betrayal trauma, as well as how to start trusting yourself again after being deceived and lied to, and also had to break fucking free and making sure you never get trapped in a dynamic like this shit again. 


Sarah Elizabeth  02:51

So let's get going and talk about this bloody basement that you never even knew existed. I certainly didn't. Let's start with this, the secret sexual basement is not actually just about sex. A lot of us hear infidelity and think about the moment of cheating, the affair, the sex, the messages, the one night stands. But what Dr Minwalla explains is that infidelity is actually an entire goddamn system, a system of deception. Now he says this infidelity is not just about the sexual or emotional behaviour itself. It represents a far deeper, more insidious form of reality manipulation, what begins as a violation of sexual boundaries and a breach of trust, expands into something much larger, a concealed reality, a secret basement built beneath The foundation of the relationship. This hidden space and covert operation warp the reality of everyone involved, particularly the intimate partner, who remains unaware of the growing secrets beneath them. And he goes on to say that infidelity often narrowly defined as a sexual or emotional violation of relationship boundaries, is only the surface symptom, only the first step of a far more complex psychological process. Our cultural focus and preoccupation on the sexual act itself obscure and distract us from seeing clearly the deeper layers of dishonesty, manipulation and gas lighting that constitute the abuse we think step one is the entire problem, overlooking the other nine steps of truth and the 10 steps illuminate the mechanics of infidelity, a clear and logical progression showing how deceptive sexuality develops from a single act of sexual transgression into a full scale covert psychological operation, a sustained pattern of psychological abuse, each step builds on the previous, constructing a secret basement of deception beneath the surface of relational life, covertly and progressively shaping and controlling the emotional, psychological and relational reality above which all sounds a lot to take in, right? 


Sarah Elizabeth  05:47

Okay, so let's break it down a bit. When we're talking this basement, imagine your relationship is a house, right? The main floor of the House is what you see in your relationship, the everyday relationship, the shared routines, the social media worthy moments. It's the bits you see, the part everyone else sees. It, the public facing relationship. It's the day to day connection, the Sunday morning coffee, the good night, love you, the text, the habits, whatever, right? It's the relationship as you and everyone else sees it. That's the main floor. Then we've got the attic, which is symbolising the future, the life you thought you were building together. But then, then there's the basement, hidden, locked, filled with secrets. This basement is a whole separate life that you don't even know exists. This isn't just about one in discretion. This is an entire world that's been compartmentalised, sealed off from you, yet affecting your life in ways you never fucking knew. Most partners don't air quotes. Just have an affair. Oh no, no, no, no, no no. They build an entire fucking basement, a parallel reality where they lie, manipulate gaslight, carefully curate what you do and what you don't know. It's like they've got a different personality down there, a shadow life that's all running completely below the bit that you see of your relationship, and you don't even know. And Dr minwalla explains that it's not just the sexual behaviours that are damaging, it's the entire deceptive system that's built around them. It's the compartmentalisation. They separate their actions from their identity. I'm a good husband. I'm a really good husband. I just have this one flaw, on the side. It's a minor indiscretion. It's the gas lighting making you feel crazy when you sense something's wrong. Why are you so insecure? You're always assume the worst, you're crazy. I'd never do that. It's the rewriting of history. No, we were never that happy. Anyway, I stopped loving you ages ago, the minimising and the justifying, it was just a mistake. It was just flirting. I never actually slept with her, bullshit all topped off with the blame shifting, I wouldn't have done this if you weren't so distant, if you weren't so busy, you stopped being affectionate. So I had to look elsewhere, didn't I? Man's got needs and all that. And here's the real fucking kicker, the secret basement. It doesn't just hurt you. It fucking hurts you, but not just that. It actually rewires your goddamn brain. The longer you live in a reality where this deception is at play, the more your sense of reality gets distorted. This is not air quotes just cheating. This is a form of psychological fucking warfare.


Sarah Elizabeth  09:53

So Dr Manuela describes these 10 steps to this whole deceptive system that's going on the 10 steps to understanding infidelity as abuse, because it fucking is abuse. So let's go through these 10 steps. So step one, he describes as the shovel hits the ground. It's the decision to engage in the sexual behaviour. So this journey into deception begins with the single choice to cross relational boundaries. It's the point where the shovel hits the ground and it's going to start digging. It's not the act itself, but it's that single choice. It's that single decision to hide it that starts the construction. The building of the basement of lies. So that's the first step, that single choice, step two, framework of lies, the decisions compartmentalise. So now he's made the choice. Now he's choosing to lie, and this lie, these lies start to frame the walls of the basement, frame the walls of this double life, creating this alternate reality where the truth is hidden from you, and every single lie just reinforces the separation between that secret basement below and the life shared upstairs. Then we've got step three, which is the hidden blueprint commanding a covert operation. So at this point, the deception shifts from isolated lies to a coordinated operation of control, manipulating your perception of reality to sustain the basement secrecy. Got to keep that quiet. So he's made the choice building it. We've found all the lies, and now it's moving into you're not going to fucking know about this. And then step four, the entitlement engine, the psychology of sexual entitlement and this belief system, starts to rationalise the covert operation. It allows them to justify the ongoing deceit, the lies as a right. It's their right to fulfillment. It's their right to be happy, regardless of the harm to others. It's where they believe they're entitled to do this shit. And then step five, can you see how this is building? We've then got integrity erosion, using integrity abuse behaviors as tactics. And these are tactics like lying, blaming, manipulation, what it's doing is steadily eroding the foundation of trust, eating away at your sense of safety, stability, your self worth. Can you see how this fucked up system is developing? We've then got step six, smoke and mirrors, the system of gas lighting, and the gas lighting sustains that covert operation by making you doubt the reality, doubt your instincts. It constructs this illusion that keeps them reliant on the bullshit narrative and making you think you're fucking nuts. And in step seven, the illusion chamber living in an intentionally manipulated reality, intentionally manipulated you're now trapped in this distorted world crafted by lies and manipulation which creates this state and condition where your autonomy, your health, your mental health, your physical health, all of it, your sexual health, is compromised or from that single choice. And now in this system of deception, we start to move to how society then colludes with this. With Step eight, which is the infidelity blind spot, which is society's unseen normalisation of abuse, because society downplays the harm of infidelity. If you say to most people, the infidelity is abuse, they fucking laugh at you. They see only the sex act itself, not the hidden abuse the system of deception behind it, which enables that deception to stay unaddressed, stay hidden and stay fucking wide. But in society, and then step nine social support structures, which is male socialisation and collusion. And this reinforces deceptive sexuality because it teaches men to normalise their secret sexual lives. It's what boys doing it it conceals them with the support of this cultural acceptance, expectation, encouragement, even, Oh, go on, look. Go on. Let go on. And then finally, Step 10, the underground rock, societal, sexual compartmentalization. Which is where society's repression and stigmatization of healthy sexuality forces people into compartmentalizing their sexual desires, which creates a culture of shame, immaturity and fear that actually just serves to sustain the deceptive behaviour. So when we look at all 10 steps together, we see that this isn't just cheating. This is an entire system of deception, a reality warping operation that distorts the truth. It controls the narrative and leaves you questioning your own fucking sanity, and the worst part, you didn't even know you were living in it. 


Sarah Elizabeth  16:36

Certainly for me, looking back at the first seven steps, particularly and knowing what I know now about the exes cheating, I can see how that insidious web of deception, with this whole other life he created, this whole other identity person he created, eroded me. Erode is just such the perfect word that feels as it is, the gradual wearing away of me, the slow destruction of me, he fucking eroded that from the moment he made that initial choice at step one, everything else was then constructed around it with the intent on protecting him, and in doing so, destroying me, intentionally destroying me, to protect himself and this whole world that was beneath our relationship that I never knew about. I didn't have a fucking clue. And also, those last three steps for me, really emphasise just how much society does not only fucking permit infidelity, but collude with it. Because if we stopped at Step seven, we'd think this whole system of deception exists only in the relationship itself. But the truth is, it's not just personal, it is cultural, and that's where the final three steps come in. Society treats infidelity like it's just a private relationship issue, not an actual form of psychological abuse. We focus on the cheating act itself. Did they sleep with them? Was it just emotional? Was it just an emotional affair? We completely ignore the months, the years, even fucking decades, of gaslighting, manipulation, lying that came before it. That's why people say stupid shit like, well, at least isn't sleep with her or affair just happen, get over it. It's a complete blind spot. We don't recognise the full scale of damage that deception causes. And that male socialisation too. It actively reinforces and enables this deceptive sexuality. We see it in how men are conditioned to get away with it even encouraged to have their fun. Think about how infidelity is framed in like movies, in TV shows, in the boys banter. It's often seen as a joke a phase. Oh, it's midlife crisis. Even a badge of freaking honour, it's bro code. And you know the whole Don't be a snitch thing, my friend's husband was freaking vilified by the other men in that group for telling my friend. Who told me about the ex and his infidelity, they didn't have a go at the ex for the abuse and the infidelity and what it was doing to me, his mate who was honest, who was best man at our wedding, him, he was the one who was honest with his wife, and he was the one that was fucking blamed. And that's not just men enabling other men, either. It's also the women who say, Oh, all men cheat. Oh, just be grateful he provides or some other bullshit, as if the deception is something we should just tolerate. Fuck that. Because the end result is that the cheater, the deceiver, the liar, is excused, and the betrayed partner, the victim of this. You Me, we're dismissed for being dramatic or bitter. Women end up being shamed for setting boundaries. Oh, you're too demanding. While, men are excused for breaking them under some fucking boys will be boys banner, fucking bullshit at every level, every step of this system. The message is clear, secrecy and deception are normal, and the betrayed partner you you me, we're the problem for making a fuss about it, and that's why healing from this isn't just about getting over it. It's about recognizing that you were not just betrayed. You were gaslit and manipulated inside a much larger system of deception that society itself helps the freaking uphold. Once you see that, you stop blaming yourself, you stop thinking that you were too much or too insecure, and start recognizing that your anger, your grief, your outrage, are all completely fucking valid. 


Sarah Elizabeth  22:19

But here's the thing, just because you finally see this truth doesn't mean your brain and your body immediately catch up. Sadly, the moment of discovery isn't just a revelation. It's a psychological earthquake. Everything as you know it is destroyed when you've spent these years living on top of a secret basement thinking the ground beneath your relationship was solid as fuck. When that basement door finally bursts open, it doesn't just reveal lies, it shatters your entire sense of reality, because at some point in this whole shit show, the basement door does freaking burst open, and that is where the real devastation kicks in. Because when you've been unknowingly living inside this system of deception, where the gaslighting manipulation the control of a play, your brain doesn't just move on. When the truth finally comes out, it scrambles to make sense of the damage. It replays every conversation, every moment, desperately trying to fit the truth into the lie that you were told, and that's where the betrayal trauma really takes hold. You discover what's been hidden, and suddenly nothing, nothing makes sense anymore, everything you thought was real, your relationship, your memories, your sense of safety collapses. It's gone, and that's where the true damage of betrayal begins, because it isn't just about sex, it's about how deeply this deception rewires your brain and your body. So let's talk in a bit more depth then about exactly what does happen when you do find out about this hidden basement? Because when your whole reality as you know it collapses, you do question everything, was any of it real? It's honestly like waking up in a parallel universe where up down and nothing makes sense. You end up hyper fucking vigilant, becoming a detective, checking text, emails, receipts, anything to try and make sense of it, work it all out. But that's not paranoia. It's trauma scanning. You're trying to understand you. Nervous systems on overload, because the brain processes this betrayal like physical pain, which is exactly why you feel physically sick, anxious, can't sleep, can't eat, and then ends up falling into shame, self blame. How did I not see this? What's wrong with me that he needed someone else. Maybe I was too much. Maybe I wasn't enough. Maybe I drove him to this and we fall into this crap, and then we go into the compulsive comparison. Is she better than me? Prettier, funnier? In my experience, they always go down, down in quality love. That's what I say anyway. But please believe me when I say this, it was never about you. It's taken me a long time to realize that it wasn't about me. Either, it was never about me and it's not about you. It's about their brokenness, not your worth. This shit is psychological trauma, and they've intentionally caused it. They intentionally set out to hurt you in order to protect them and their entitlement to do what the fuck they wanted. And Dr Minwalla says the same. He argues that betrayal isn't just a breach of trust, it is a form of relational abuse. Why? Because the deception isn't passive, it's active. Someone is deliberately, deliberately controlling information, manipulating your perception of reality, and then gaslighting you into believing that you're the fucking problem, and that's what happens when you're repeatedly lied to. It fucks your confidence in what's real and what's not. But those of us who've experienced this, I think we know this, huh? So we've talked about the scale of deception, the entire system of it. We've talked about how it rewires your brain, how it distorts your sense of reality, how it leaves your question in fucking everything. And if you're in that place right now, where the wreckage still surrounds you, where you don't even know where to begin, it's okay. It's okay. Just take a breath. Take a breath. You're gonna be okay. I know you just want to know what the fuckity fuck we do to rebuild after this kind of complete betrayal and psychological trauma. I know it. I know that. I know that, and this is exactly where we do shift from what the fuck happened to what the hell do I do now? Because the next step isn't about moving on, it's about rebuilding everything has collapsed, and Dr Minwalla is also absolutely clear, healing does not come from just trying to get over it. You don't just slap some forgiveness on top of this shit and call it a day. You don't rush into a new relationship and hope it raises the damage. Healing comes from rebuilding your entire reality from the ground up, and that starts with three fundamental steps, reclaiming your narrative, establishing your own reality and resetting your standards.


Sarah Elizabeth  28:58

Let's do list, let's rebuild so step one and reclaiming your narrative. One of the most devastating effects of betrayal is that it warps your sense of self. When you've been manipulated, gas lit, lied to you start to rewrite your own story in ways that make you the problem. Maybe you've caught yourself thinking or should have seen it coming. I was too trusting. Maybe I wasn't enough any other form of self blame. I know. I know I did it all, but let's be crystal clear, you were not naive, you were not stupid. You trusted someone who was supposed to protect that trust, and they chose to break it. Reclaiming your narrative means taking back the freaking pen. It means reminding yourself that your story is not. Defined by someone else's deception. So here's where we start, some practical steps to reclaim the narrative. Number one, write it out. Start journaling the truth, your truth, what actually happened, what you saw, what you felt. This isn't for them, it's for you, so that you can see the manipulation for what it actually was, and then challenge those false narratives. Anytime you hear yourself saying I was too much reframe it. No, no, I was asking for the bare minimum of honesty. That's all. That's all I was asking for. Say it out loud, talk about it. The shame of betrayal thrives in silence. Speak your truth to someone who sees you and believes you, whether that's a friend, a support group, a therapist, whoever, and say the affirmation to yourself repeatedly, I will not let someone else's lies define me. My Truth is mine to own and reclaim. I will not let someone else's lies define me. My Truth is mine to own and reclaim and then after reclaiming our narrative, step two is to establish your own reality again when you've been gaslit, the hardest part of healing isn't just dealing with the pain, it's relearning how to trust yourself. Betrayal doesn't just break your heart, it fragments your whole sense of reality. You start questioning your own perceptions, your own memories, your gut instincts. Always trust your gut. That's one thing I learned very, very hard way, but that is why so many of us betrayed partners, go into detective mode, rereading old messages, trying to piece together timelines, searching for the moment, that moment, that single moment where we decide things went wrong. But the truth is, you don't need to reconstruct the past. You just need to rebuild your ability to trust in what you see and feel in the present right now. Your gut was not wrong. It was not wrong. So again, some practical steps for doing this. And again, write it down. Start tracking your own reality, because when you feel something's off, write it down. If someone's words don't match their actions, write it down. The more you validate your own observations, the more you start to rebuild trust in yourself and surround yourself with people who tell the freaking truth, not the people who say, Oh, just move on or forgive and forget. Fuck off. Find people who affirm your reality and say that what you went through was real and it was not okay. It's about rebuilding your internal safety, because if your body still reacts like it's in danger with that racing heart, the hyper vigilance, the panic, it's so important to practice some grounding techniques and regulate your nervous system as best you can, whether that's breathing exercises, even walking barefoot on the ground, just ground, you use some touchstones and anchors to reconnect you to this moment here now, and use this affirmation over and over. I trust myself, my intuition is strong, my reality is valid. I trust myself. My intuition is strong, my reality is valid. And then step three, reset your standards. It's not about just avoiding cheaters in the future. It's about reprogramming what you accept in all areas of your life. Because when you've been betrayed, you don't just lose trust in others. You start lowering your standards for what you think you deserve. Maybe you've caught yourself thinking or at least they stayed, at least they didn't hit me, least they were good to the kids stop at least is the language of fucking settling. You deserve more than the bare minimum of human decency. You deserve more than at least. And let's be real while we're on this. This doesn't just apply to relationships. It applies to friendships, work environments, even the way you talk to yourself. Healing means learning to spot deception, manipulation and subtle red flags. In all areas of your life, it's building that trust. It's reclaiming your narrative. It's establishing your own reality again, and it's resetting your standards. So some more practical steps for this third step, create a new non negotiables list what behaviors are you never going to tolerate again? Lying, emotional unavailability, write it down. Write them down and hold yourself to them. Try and recognize the red flags early. It's hard. I get it, it's hard. But does someone change when the story is called out? Do they make you feel guilty for questioning things? Do they dismiss your feelings as dramatic or sensitive or you're so emotional they're signs of emotional manipulation, and learn to set boundaries like a fucking boss. The new version of you doesn't hope that people will respect your boundaries. You enforce them, fuckers, and if someone won't respect them, you walk the fuck away. You don't need closure from them or anybody. You need truth from yourself. And a final affirmation for this one, I do not settle. I am worthy of honesty, respect and love, and that includes to myself. I am never settling again. You know, through all of this, you've been through fucking war, even if no one else can see the scars, but you really don't have to live in survival mode forever. Healing means taking your power back, breath by breath, step by step, day by day, and that power, it starts with trusting yourself again. They deliberately took that power away from you. It's now your choice, your intention, to take it the fuck back. So where'd you go from here? Well, if you've been through this, this whole shit, you already know you're strong. You might not feel it quite yet. I know that bit takes time, but believe me, you're a fucking warrior for getting through this. 


Sarah Elizabeth  37:28

And if nothing else, if nothing else, what I want you to take away from today is that you are not broken. You were manipulated into feeling broken by the systemic deception. Someone worked really hard to make you feel that way. You are not too much. You were asking for basic respect. You were never asking for too much. You were just asking the wrong person. You are allowed to rewrite your future without carrying the weight of someone else's bullshit. And most importantly, mate, you are so much fucking stronger than that secret basement. I really do hope as hard to hear as it is when we have been through this, believe me, I know, but I do hope that all of this today has just been another way to view this shit, but another way to help you see through the bullshit and, most importantly, rebuild your life with no fucking secret basement. If it has helped you today, I'd love love love it if you could write a review of the episode just really quickly, because it also means that it can help others who really also need to hear this message. It helps them. Find this podcast too. Find this message, find this learning the support. And if you do leave a review, please also screenshot it and send it to me, Sarah at the divorce book club.com because you're going to go into a draw to win 25 quid Amazon voucher, and every little helps rebuilding this beautiful new life of yours. Right? Also in March, in the divorce book club, we are reading runaway husbands, which does add a whole other slant on when and how some people find out about the secret fucking basement and the infidelity when they are suddenly abandoned without warning. And this shits brutal. I know, I know it's fucking brutal, which is exactly why we do need to stick together and heal together and, most importantly, rebuild together. Fucking here for that. So until next time, then when I will be back in your beautiful earbuds. Thank. Thank you so much for listening. Please, please, please, look after you and take the takeaways from today's episode. I am sending you so so much love. You've got this Bye.

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Sarah Elizabeth

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