Sarah Elizabeth 0:01
Hello. Hello, and welcome to the divorce chapter podcast, where we turn the divorce plot twist into the greatest freaking comeback story of your goddamn life. And one of the ways we do that is by going balls deep into growing, learning, becoming self aware, basically, so we don't end up repeating patterns that we might have had before in shit relationships. Now, in the divorce book club, we do just that by going all in on just one book a month. Sounds okay, right? But trust me, even if we take just one game changing nugget from each book, just one the compound effect is mind blowing. I mean, we are talking change your life, drop the right levels of impact here, and every so often, we hit the ultimate jackpot. And by that, I mean, we cover a book that is so freaking packed with takeaways, it's basically the Deliveroo, the Uber Eats of personal development, but instead of wagamamas and pizza, it's serving up a shit ton of wisdom, breakthroughs, the ultimate post divorce glow up. And that is exactly why this week, I wanted to share with you an overview of the book we did in the divorce book club in February, because it is truly life changing. And I don't say that lightly, the book is know your worth by Anna Mathur. Honestly, if you've ever struggled with self worth, people pleasing, or just feeling like you're constantly running on empty while giving every other fucker all of you, this episode, this book is for you. We're gonna look at the key themes in the book, the biggest takeaways so that you can start to use them in showing up as the most confident, unshakable version of you. So by the end of the episode, do you have a bit of a fresh perspective on self worth, bit of a starter to valuing yourself and the permission to step into a life where you matter just as much as everyone else.
Okay, so what is know your worth all about, let me tell you, Anna Mathur is a psychotherapist, so she knows her shit, but who herself has been through burnout, anxiety and the struggles of constantly putting others before herself, the book is such a powerful mix of personal experience with professional knowledge and practical strategies to really help you break free from low self worth and start embracing your true value, which is something I have struggled with for my entire freaking life. So I am a true fan girl of Anna Mathur, I'm telling you. So the book is built around the idea that so many of us, especially women, have been conditioned to believe that our worth is based on how much we do, how much we give what we are, and how little we ask for in return. Sound familiar. Anna challenges this idea that we must earn our worth through effort, sacrifice. Yes, you heard me instead. She teaches us that we are already inherently worthy, and it's our job to start treating ourselves freaking accordingly. So let's break down some of the biggest lessons from Know your worth and how they apply to your life then.
So first up, this idea that self worth is not earned, it's inherent. We often tie our self worth to external achievements, don't we like our careers, our relationships, how much we do for others? We try desperately to be accepted. We always try to be more because we think we're not good enough, not slim enough, not clever enough, funny enough, always some variation of the I'm not, whatever it is enough. Well, Anna goes all in on this. In the goddamn intro. We don't even get started on the actual book before this nugget, I will read it to you. And then I realised that I never felt enough because I wasn't. You heard me. It was incredibly liberating to realise that I am not enough, nor are you. None of us will ever be enough. We will never be acceptable to the whole world. You will never have enough energy to fulfil every role you take on to the standard you want? You will never be enough to please the whole world, because you are an individual with limited resources, but you can certainly go to your grave exhausted through trying. The truth is, your worth doesn't change, but your understanding of it sure can we basically need to unlearn what we've been taught about our worth. Mic fucking drop in the bloody intro. We are never gonna be enough for everyone and everything. It's fucking impossible, but that doesn't change our inherent worth. Mind Blown, and that's where we need to begin, how we see our worth, because that beauts ain't a changing. And as Anna goes on to say, we can relentlessly throw water at the flames of a fire, but only when we address the source of the fire itself will the flames be extinguished. And what Anna's explaining is that our worth doesn't change, but our self esteem, as how we understand our worth is what changes. And then she uses this great metaphor. I think that's actually why I'm such a fan girl, because she uses metaphors and analogies and all of it throughout, which really helps to understand this shit and help it go in in just a totally different way.
So she says self esteem is like the car windscreen. It's the window through which you view both your self worth and the world around you. As you drive along, it gets covered in rain, dust, mud, splatters and dead bugs. Working on self esteem is like turning on the windscreen wipers to keep cleaning the screen so that you can view your worth more clearly. When you switch them off, the windscreen becomes spattered and Misty, distorting how you see yourself and the world around you. How bloody good is that? Why does it matter, though? What is the cost to low self esteem? You people please or people plead as Anna says, you have zero confidence. You procrastinate on shit. You might be a perfectionist. Guilty as charged, you have a severe case of comparisonitis, you tell yourself you shouldn't be feeling perfectly valid emotions when things are tough. Should feel that you find it hard to accept kindness and hate, asking for support, hyper independence over here. You've got no boundaries. You feel burnt out. You feel like an imposter. You go on self destruct with how you behave. You feel depressed, anxious, or, very likely, most, if not all, of that, right? And that is the cost of low self esteem. So why do we struggle so much to believe in our inherent worth and struggle so much to clear that windscreen so that we can see it clearly?
Well? The book goes on to talk about that. Yeah, how we experience life in our younger years sets the tone for how we perceive our self worth in adulthood. Those childhood messages kind of conditioned us, so some of the messages you might have got as a kid, even though it was probably super well intentional, because there's always a flip side to these. You are, what you do, how you behave and act, says, what you are, who you are, you are, what you look like. That was a massive one for me, even know it was a self inflicted narrative, and not for my parents. That was my story, that I created. You're defined by how efficient you are, you are, how clever you are. And that was another one, but this one for me was because my parents, or my dad at least, you are how kind you are. You are as straightforward as you are. You are the job you do. You are what other people think about you. You are as strong as you are. You are the stuff you possess. You are, how people describe you. You are, how well you are loved. I bet every single one of you will resonate with at least one of them, right the messages that we learned that we were conditioned into believing throughout our childhoods and that we've carried into adulthood. And another thing that is bloody great about this book is that at the end of each chapter, there are a series of journal prompts that really, really worked through all of the shit that underpins, all of these narratives, these stories, these ideas about ourselves that we've taken on, even though they're not ours, that we've believed for So freaking long. The journal prompts honestly go so deep on the core themes from every chapter that really draw out how it impacts you, how it affects you. And light shines a light on it, which almost takes away its power in itself. In the divorce book club, I basically read the pertinent bits of each chapter and then talk through my own reflections, experiences, takeaways, ideas, tools, all that jazz. And for this book, I talked through each journal point on the private podcast episodes that you get per chapter with the book club. Oh, my life, those poor book club members, I lost count of how many chapters. Saw me bawling my freaking eyes out when it came to going in deep on the journal prompts, let me tell you, it's brought up 10 ton of shit I thought I'd forgotten about, but clearly not the brain and the body hold on to that shit I'm telling you as well. Every chapter has the journal prompts at the end, but every chapter also starts with a mantra. I mean, they did make me cry, like the journal prompts did, but I did find them super useful. So yeah, ultimately, the key theme is that your worth is not measured by what you do, how much you give, how others perceive you, or any other bullshit you tell yourself, it simply is. It just, is? We just need to clear our windscreens from the shit.
So the book goes on to talk through ways in which we can boost self esteem. And Anna talks about that there are really two sources of these self esteem boosters. They're short and sharp, or slow and steady, as she describes short and sharp self esteem boosters as like a bag of sweets, a quick, easy way to meet a need, but often ends up being a temporary fix. Slow and steady ones, though they're the nutrient rich, the great few ones that just might take a bit more effort. Do we do something we know will be good for us but requires more energy and input, or do we find a way to quickly meet and silence the need temporarily? I. It is that instant gratification life we lead, isn't it? You know, Amazon Prime, instant messages deliver. They're the short and sharp type versus the boutique buys the Bougie buys the in person, chat with the best he put in the world to writes beautifully cooked meal. The good shit in life takes time, effort, probably a bit of planning, but the payoff is fucking golden. ANNA calls it in the book, buy now, pay later, which I bloody love, as she goes on to talk about the impact of our phone use on our sense of worth and the very filtered lives that we see and experience day in day out. And I have to say, I think pretty much every book we've done so far in the divorce Book Club has in varying depth, said about phone use and social media, and in Know your worth. ANNA uses the metaphor of the frog in boiling water, as in, put a frog in the pan of boiling water and it will leak straight back out, but put a frog in a pan of cold water and bring it slowly to the boil, and the frog will boil alive. And Anna says that symbolises a lot of us with our goddamn phones. I mean, I apply the same frog metaphor as to why so many of us stay in toxic relationships for so long. But anyway, but also, this phone use parallels our use of social media, where it is just such a filtered reality that fucks with the way we see our worth even more. She says the filtered representations imply that you should be extrovert, but not too loud, funny, but not a soul brush. Very kind, putting everyone else first, but never burning out, keeping all the balls in the air, but always getting eight hours of sleep at night, working and socialising in perfect balance, and never becoming overwhelmed with either warm, friendly, approachable, with never cross or irritated words. Sounds like the soliloquy from Barbie, didn't it? And according she says to this fantasy version, never a pang of PMT or a disgruntled grunge. Admire your funny disposition. Oh, Anna you wait till the menopause, love. But seriously, how true is that? And this shit is what we measure ourselves against, and then decide that we don't measure up and so what we're worthless now against an unachievable goal, which is bullshit, because remember, our actual worth doesn't change just the way we see it, and if the way we see it is measured against some kind of impossible vision, then what the fuck are you getting it yet?
Honestly, this book's lessons are life changing, and Anna talks about the importance of vulnerability for life, connection, authenticity, growth. It's presence and it's risky, and it's that authenticity bit that got me. If people only see this filtered version of you and never see the real you, then how are you ever going to be accepted for being you? Ever accept yourself for being you? And the book says by slowly letting specific people see your authentic self and discovering that not everyone runs away with flailing arms, you can begin to believe that perhaps you are more acceptable and worthy than you initially believed, and actually, the more you are known, the more potential you have to be loved. Let that one sink in, the more you are seen, the more you are known, the more potential you have to be loved.
And let this one sink in as well. While we're at it, when we talk about some of the enemies of self esteem, we can often find ourselves air quotes, guilty of some self imposed crime that we then let lower the way we see our worth. And the book says, Actually, guilt is there to prompt us not to shame us. It serves as a flag that there's a feeling that needs to be addressed by taking action. And the book gives us this. Great ACT act model as a way to work through guilt. I can neither confirm nor deny that this may have been one of the chapters where I bawled me eyes out. I can't possibly say who do the book club members know and what goes on in the divorce book club stays in the divorce book club and all that. But honestly, it so works through all of these monsters that we've built up in our heads. That is just bollocks. And the book talks through waging war on the low self worth, starting with the thoughts and the inner dialogue, aka inner critic.
My own inner critic is called Margot. Yes, I named her to show the bitch who's boss in my own brain, which was all shits and giggles, actually, until we make names one of her very cute twins, Margot. But anyway, aside from that, our inner critic is usually a goddamn liar. She's made up a load of bullshit stories. And Anna explains that we all have that voice in our head that tells us we're not good enough, we're terrible at something, we're anxious, we're rubbish at something else, bloody blah. And explains that this inner voice is not the truth. It's just old programming that we need to rewrite. It's a mix of old fears, societal expectations, past wounds, but none of which are the absolute truth. Take your thoughts to court if it was before the judge, is it the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Of course, it's fucking not. And as we've said before here on the pod, we're not our thoughts. And Anna describes it as that we are the ones observing the thoughts. We can hear the thoughts, observe the thoughts, which is a great reminder that we are not our thoughts, and that the power therefore lies with us and not in the bullshit thoughts we get. The reminder as well about the way we speak to ourselves, because we never in a million, zillion years, speak to our mates, our loved ones in the way that we talk to ourselves. Would we and I love how Anna brings this one to life to help us understand it. She says, what would it be like if you were to be followed around by a bully who repeatedly taunted you, pointing out your weaknesses and hurling a catalogue of your past failings at you every time you wanted to try something new. What would it be like if your childhood bully was still there beside you like a shadow everywhere you went? What would it be like if the person who dismissed your feelings had walked beside you, dismissing every feeling and need you had before you even got a chance to verbalise it. What if you had someone shining a light on your shame, guilt or feelings of unworthiness every time you dared to engage in something that made you feel happy and excited? What would that do to your self esteem? What impact would it have on your own confidence, your decision making, your willingness to accept kindness and love or engage in things that made you happy? This is what our internal dialogue can do. This is how powerful it can be. So basically, use the best mate test. If you wouldn't say it to a mate, don't say it to yourself. Or Anna goes one better and says, find a photo of yourself as a child, or imagine yourself as a child and what little you look like, and then imagine speaking to that child you the way you speak to yourself now, right? And in this chapter, particularly, although we still have the powerful journal prompts a mantra. This one also has an amazing pick and mix of ways to change this inner dialogue. It's seriously useful shit in earloth and the book goes on to talk in depth even more about people pleasing. And the mantra for that chapter sums it up, it is a fact and not a failing that I cannot please everyone. I'll say that again, louder for those at the back, it is a fact and not a failing that I cannot please everyone. And the book details how.
People pleasing, or people pleading, is actually a form of self abandonment, because people pleasing is where you get your self esteem from how others see you, right? But if we say yes, when we mean No, out of fear of rejection or guilt or wanting to be seen as good, then what? Then the cost of continually denying yourself in order to please others is way too high, because the cost is you. You are the cost when we constantly say yes to others at the expense of ourselves. We're telling ourselves that our needs don't matter how fucked up is that? So Anna talks boundaries around people pleasing as well, because, you know, this lack of boundaries just leads to burnout, resentment, fucking exhaustion. And setting boundaries isn't about pushing people away. It's about allowing the right people in while protecting your energy, because boundary is always going to piss off the people who it affects right the right people will understand and adapt to your boundaries. And it's also about treating yourself with respect, self preservation, self care, self love, self respect, and not waiting until this magical moment that you think you're going to feel worthy of it. Honestly, I could go on and on and on and on and on about the golden bits of this book, but seriously, be all day. So I'll just repeat again how freaking life changing this book really is. Honestly, it has been a game changer. It's taken 52 years of shit in my head and turned it all upside down, gone, oh, oh, fuck, ain't true. Is it bullshit? That's it so so valuable in itself, and the book ends actually with three emergency pep talks so you can dip in and out as and when you need it still moving forward. So there's a pep talk for when you're feeling guilty, a pep talk for when you're feeling burnt out, and a pep talk for when you're feeling rejected.
Oh god, there's a whole load in the book two about rejection, which is worth its weight in gold on its own. Nuggets like rejection is not a statement of your worth, but a statement about the other person's incompatibility with a part of you, or the incompatibility of their opinion of you. Not everyone is gonna understand or like you, but many people will, so therefore neither likes nor dislikes are actually definitive statements about your ability to be understood or liked, and actually, someone liking you doesn't increase your worth any more than someone disliking you decreases it. Your worth doesn't change. Remember, and you know what? So what if someone doesn't like you, and I'd have never said that before, but coming back to the start, where Anna said, we are never going to be enough for every single one of the however many billion people on this planet, we're just not. And Anna uses green tea as an example to hammer this home. I love this one. She said,
I expressed a dislike for green tea on social media once, and I was hit with a barrage of green tea lovers suggesting ways I might enjoy it. Try it with lemon. Try Christ add honey, leave the tea bag in for longer. The thing is no offence to the leafy bethridge, but it's just not my cup of tea. But other than the bun, now, because I don't like green tea, does it mean that green tea is inherently bad? Should it be removed from all the shells? Because Anna, Mathur in Surrey, England, isn't a fan. I mean, I need to intervene here, Anna, because I do actually like green tea. Love but she says, of course, not just because she isn't a fan. Doesn't make it a statement about whether it deserves to be on the shelf. So why then, if we know we are not someone's cup of tea, do we take it as a statement of truth about us? Have you got it yet? I ought. So honestly, I cannot thank girl enough over Anna Mathur in this book.
And if listening to this today has given you a bit of a taster and you want more, do head over to the divorce book club. As Know your worth is there, as well as all the past books and episodes all the time you remember, so you can dip in and out as much as you need, as well as the comment book and say in the poll for choosing the next month's book and all. Yeah, you could just listen to the book on Audible or whatever, but for roughly the same price, you could get me reading the key parts of the book that you need to know, plus all the takeaways, the reflections, the views, as well as all the tea on my own stories and experiences relevant to the book. And if that isn't enough, you also get a community of like minded women on the same journey to turning the divorce clock twist into the best goddamn next chapter ever for facts sake. Could I make it any easier for you? So yeah, you can go and spend 799 on Audible and just get the book, or spend a tenner and get the book and then some. It's like therapy, personal coaching and book club all fold into one without the awkward small talk or commitment to finishing the book on time. Just saying, if you are interested, all the dates are as always in the show notes, the summary thingy below the episode. But I do urge you, if this book has ignited the spark, join for this book alone, it is so fucking worth it, as are you, if you haven't worked that out by now, you are already worthy. Your job is simply to believe it, or as the name of the book goes, know your worth so on that note, I'm going to say a huge thank you as always, for listening. I will be back in your beautiful earbuds again next week. So until then, I am sending you so much love. Bye.
