EP84 Let That Sh*t Go: Why Trying to Control Your Ex is Keeping You Stuck

In this episode, we’re going all in on a topic so many of us struggle with…. control. 

After divorce, it’s SO tempting to try and manage everything….. the ex, the narrative, the emotions, even the future. But the truth is control is actually an illusion.

So we’re unpacking….

 ✔️ What controlling behaviour looks like after divorce (Hint: You might not even realise you're doing it!)
 ✔️ Why we try to control…. is it love, ego, or just fear of the unknown?
 ✔️ How control actually hurts you…. mentally, emotionally, and physically.
 ✔️ How to let go and reclaim your peace…. because you deserve to focus on YOU, not him.
 ✔️ The transformation that happens when you stop trying to control the uncontrollable.

From social media stalking (we’ve all been there!) to emotional bargaining, I break it down just how control sneaks into your post-divorce life and why loosening your grip might just be the most freeing thing you do.

We go in on:

✨ Why controlling your ex or the situation is actually draining your energy.
✨ The difference between ego-driven control vs. genuine desire to reconnect.
✨ The truth about why fear of the unknown keeps you stuck.
✨ A mindset shift that will help you release control and find peace.

So, grab your coffee (or wine…. no judgment here), and let’s talk about why letting go is your superpower.

Hope you enjoy (and if you do, PLEASE rate and review ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐)

Loads of Love,

Sarah x

🌸

P.S. In April in the Divorce Book Club, we’re reading The Midpoint Plan by Gabby Logan

The blurb says: Packed to the brim with advice and life lessons from experts in their field (Dr Louise Newson, Prof Greg Whyte amongst others) and successful people navigating this time of life (Claudia Winkleman, Jo Whiley, Lee Mack, Michael Johnson, Caitlin Moran, Phil Neville and so many more) the book draws on their wise words to help you to navigate the biggest challenges that midlife can throw at you.

It will help you to:

- keep yourself fit and healthy into older age

- keep your brain firing on all cylinders

- improve your sleep

- deal with anxiety

- thrive in your career

- navigate changing relationships (whether that's empty nests or aging parents)

- cope with illness and loss

- be a healthier, more productive, creative and happy older person

With a Midpoint Action Plan (MAP) at the end of each chapter, it contains all the tips and tricks, habits and practices you need for a positive mindset, a healthy body and a happy life. It's a must-have manual for all mid-life men and women.

So if you want to join us, check it all out HERE ⬇️

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Chapters

• 0:00 Trying to Control the Uncontrollable
• 4:25 What Does Controlling Behaviour Look Like After Divorce?
• 12:00 It's Just an Illusion
• 15:13 Ego V Desire
• 20:54 Holding the Mirror Up
• 25:18 Loosen the Grip
• 28:46 Focus on What You CAN Control
• 32:41 Drop the Rope

Transcript

Sarah Elizabeth  00:00

Hello, hello, and welcome back to the divorce chapter podcast. If you're new here, Hola, I'm Sarah Elizabeth, your post divorce cheerleader and occasional reality checker, but overall here to help you navigate the sometimes shitty, sometimes beautiful process of moving forward after divorce. And today's episode is one I think we really need to talk about, because I keep seeing over and over and over how we try to air quotes. Control the divorce. Control the ex, control it all. Goddamn it. And look, I get it. Because, let's face it, who hasn't tried to control the shitshow at least a little bit during the post divorce chaos, and if you haven't, I'm gonna go ahead and say you're unicorn, so please send us some of your zen energy. But I think by and large, and definitely from the conversations I have, I think we probably all have a part of ourselves that thinks something along the lines of, if I just say the right thing, maybe he'll come back. If I can just make him see my side of the story. This will work out. If I could just manage every moving piece, I'd feel okay again. Sound familiar? Yeah, I know you're not alone. Divorce leaves us feeling like we've lost control over fucking everything, the relationship, the future, maybe even ourselves, you know, and so we cling to control. It becomes almost like our security blanket, an illusion of stability, when everything else feels like it's crumbling, falling apart. But the truth is, trying to control what is essentially uncontrollable, whether that's the ex's feelings, whether that's your future, where it might be, how others see the divorce, whatever it looks like, trying to control the uncontrollable just ends up draining you, and it may well give you a false sense of stability for a fleeting moment, but at what cost? Right? So in this episode, we're going to take a look at what controlling behaviour after this evolves looks like. And spoiler alert, you might not even realise you're doing it. We're going to cover why we tried to control and how much of it is ego versus genuine desire, as well as the toll this control takes on you emotionally, mentally, physically, and also how to loosen your goddamn grip, let go and reclaim your peace. Let's think about the transformation waiting for you when you stop trying to control the uncontrollable. So grab your coffee, tea or whatever is keeping you sane right now, maybe wine, whatever it is, grab it. Let's talk about why letting go might just be the most freeing thing you can do right now. 

Sarah Elizabeth  03:25

So let's start with a big question. What does controlling behaviour actually look like after divorce because you might be sitting there thinking, Oh, that's not me. That's not me, Sare, I'm not controlling, but hold up a sec. Controlling doesn't always look like a dramatic outburst or demanding behaviour, aka me circa 2013. More often than not, it's actually pretty sneaky, and it could show up in really subtle, well intentioned way. So it is important to have a bit of a think about whether you might be clinging to control without even bloody realising it. So, what might that control look like? Well, some common ways it might show up could be trying to manage their narrative. You know that feeling when your ex is out there telling his version of the story and you're just not having it? No, it's absolutely no fucking way, mate. So you feel this urge to constantly Explain yourself to mutual friends, family members, even fucking strangers. You might find yourself rehashing the details of your relationship over and over and over, trying to make sure your side is the one everyone believes, yes, I see you. So you might, for example, tell your friends, well, you know, I had to leave because he was so emotionally unavailable. Because we want our friends to almost see us as the victim, it kind of validates us, right? But the thing is, controlling their narrative isn't going to change how anyone perceives you. What matters more, actually is how you perceive you and how you choose to move forward with that self awareness. And another way control might sneak up is checking up on them. Maybe you don't even realise how often you're checking their social media picture. You're scrolling through Instagram and there's a post of the ex with a new partner. Oh, your stomach sinks. You feel the urge to search for more clues about their relationship obvs but this is basically your mind trying to regain control of a situation that's already out of your freaking hands, or you might text them just air quote, just to check in, even when you know you're doing it, to see if they're moving on faster than you are. Maybe you ask your kids too many questions about their time with the ex, trying to piece together how they want coping over there in that house. In house number two, it's all about control, trying to see what's happening behind the scenes, but maybe that you're going down a whole emotional bargaining route for control. This was 100% I mean, I did no shade, but you might be hoping that if you just show your ex how hurt you are, how painful it feels for you, they might just come to their senses and realise they made a mistake. You think shit like, if they just see how sad I am, they'll feel guilty and come back. So you send them a message. It's almost like a fucking plea, like I can't believe you've left. I don't know how I'm supposed to move on without you. And look, look, of course, it's hard because you still love him, but the truth is, trying to control their feelings will only leave you emotionally exhausted. Or another one I did trying to fix everything. It's all on you. The Fixer mentality is powerful shit. It makes you feel like if you do everything right, if you do everything perfectly, whether it's being the perfect co parent or the ideal ex, whatever the fucking with them look like, but somehow you can win him back, or at least get some peace. But again, it's fucking exhausting, and the idea that you can fix things is basically rooted in the desire for control over your ex's actions or reactions. You might find yourself trying to coordinate every little detail of the co parenting schedule, even when they should be taking responsibility, you might over communicate, double check their plans. Do more than your share, all in the hope that it will somehow make your life easier, or they'll see how much you're sacrificing, what a great person you are, or maybe you make excuses for their behaviour, like often, when things don't go the way we want them to, we try to somehow rationalise their actions to make us feel less hurt. So you might catch yourself thinking, if I just like, understand why they did it, maybe I can fix it. Maybe it's not as bad as I think. Or they were just under a lot of pressure at work. It's why they did what they did, or whatever. But what you're really trying to do is trying to control your understanding of the situation, to minimise your pain. The truth is, you can't fix their behaviour by making excuses for it. There may well have been a hashtag reason, but it doesn't justify it. And I use this example in a Friday chapter email. Actually, if you want in on them, by the way, just head to the divorce book club.com and enter your email for one of the freebies. But anyway, I digress. I said in that email like a reason is not an excuse. Even if you do get to understand why, if they had a bad childhood or something happened, whatever, it does not mean you have to accept it. If someone drove to a red light and smashed into your car, you might then learn that they were late for work or distracted or on the way to hospital or something called whatever. That's the rationale. That's the reason. But that doesn't mean you shrug and go, Oh, well, okay, everything's fine. Now I understand why it happens. Of course. Fucking not. You can't still fucks, the damage is done. Yeah, and I was using that example in that email, because, like, even if there was some so called rationale, like a midlife freaking crisis, it doesn't excuse shitty behaviour. But in the context of this episode, what we're talking about here, we do it. We try to provide a rationale. We try to excuse them, because we're desperately trying to control something that's way out of our control. And, you know, I get it look while we're on it. Let's be real. Some of us go into full on detective mode. I know I did. We think we're the freaking FBI. We've all done it screenshotting their Instagram stories because you need to know what they're up to going into their new partners, LinkedIn, profile, checking out their career trajectory, trying to gauge if they're better than you or something, or tracking the exit Spotify playlist, because if they're listening to your song, that means something, right? Just me, but seriously, it's okay, love. We've all been there.

Sarah Elizabeth  11:00

But the hard reality is control. It's just an illusion. Made me want to break out in song then it's just an illusion. I can't sing anyway. You think if you can just track the breadcrumbs of their life, it's going to give you the full life, like it'll give you some insight into their feelings or your future or something else, but all you're really doing is stopping yourself from moving forward. Right? So why do we try so hard to control situations, people, outcomes after a divorce show well, first up, it's fear of the unknown. As we all know, divorce shakes the very foundation of your life. It's why I call it an earthquake, taking this whole world you've built up and shaking it to smitherones until there's nothing left but rubble, and it's fucking terrifying standing in this pile of dust, wondering how the hell you're supposed to start rebuilding, just standing in the middle of a massive fucking life shift, life quake, unsure of where you're going next. And that unknown is fucking terrifying. It feels like a giant fucking void. And when everything around you seems to be spiralling, you start to just crave something, anything that you can hold on to, that you can control, because it feels like it's the only thing you can manage. It's like gripping the steering wheel of a car that's already skidding on ice. You know your natural instincts to tighten your grip and think you can force the car back onto the road, but the reality is, the more you tighten your grip, the worse the skid becomes. The car needs you to relax, to steer with, I don't know, intentions, almost going into it rather than fighting against it, you know. And in the same way, you might think that controlling the ex, the kids, or even the narrative of the divorce will help you somehow, maybe you think it'll make you feel more grounded, but instead, it kind of makes things worse. It just creates more tension and, ironically, less control in the long run, what you're looking for is stability, but the actual, real stability comes from letting go of the need to grasp everything around you, so like, say you're obsessively checking the ex's social media, thinking, if I just know what they're doing, I'll feel better. It's the same as holding on to that steering wheel, believing that if you can control their actions, you'll somehow feel more in control of your own future. But the reality is, every time you check in on their profile, you're just increasing your own anxiety, right? But it stems from this complete fear of what you don't know. 

Sarah Elizabeth  14:13

Or it might be instead, actually, that you're trying to control shit out of ego rather than desire. And I know that's a bit of a tough pill to swallow, but ask yourself this how much of your controlling behaviour is about love and how much of it is about ego? I know you're honest with yourself about which is which ego says, I can't stand the thought of him being happy without me. If it's fine without me, it means I'm worthless. Whereas desire love says I still love him and I want to rebuild what we had, because that love hasn't gone, it hasn't faded. And look those two parts very often get very tangled up very confused. On the one hand, you might feel a genuine desire to fix things with the ex, but on the other hand, there's an equally strong part of you that can't bear the thought of him moving on with someone else, so you might send him a text, leave a message, trying to rekindle shit, even though deep down, you know it's not healthy or even possible, but it's not just about love. It's also about feeling like you're losing something, your sense of self worth, your image, your place in the world, your ego is saying almost like, I can't be the one who loses here. You know, fuck me. This shit is hard to face. I totally get it, but honestly, it's so important to sit with this uncomfortable bit and think about it. Sometimes our urge to control the situation isn't rooted in love, but in fear of what their happiness without us says about us. What does it say about your value if they can find happiness without you? It's such an internal conflict, but so needed to work through. Ask yourself, are you actually trying to regain the relationship, or are you trying to protect your ego from the shame of being air quotes replaced, and it's a toughy, it's a real toughy, or maybe the need for control arises from some kind of desire to avoid pain, which is also a toughy. We all know, the fear of heartbreak, the sharp, crushing feeling of losing someone you loved, maybe still love, and the thought of facing that pain is just fucking unbearable. We think if we can just control the situation, we can avoid the heartbreak. But the problem with it is control doesn't save us from the pain. It usually freaking intensifies it. Instead, it's like trying to hold onto water in your hands. You know that feeling, if you try to grasp water or sand, and the harder you squeeze, it kind of spurts out through your fingers. It slips through you know? And that's kind of what control does. The tighter you grip the situation, the quicker it slips away from you. We believe that somehow, by holding on tightly to an outcome or an ex, we can somehow prevent that inevitable, painful bit of the process, but in trying to stop it, you're only actually prolonging the suffering. So you might be constantly texting your ex, hoping that one more message you'll finally get through to if I can just explain myself again, maybe they'll understand and we can sort it out. But in doing so, you're not fighting for clarity. You're avoiding the reality is over, and the harder you try and control that, the more painful it becomes the more emotionally drained you feel. Control is like your mind's way of protecting you from that raw vulnerability, but ironically, it's what keeps you stuck in the pain for fucking longer, and the need to control often comes from that lack of emotional regulation when we're overwhelmed, when we're scared, our brain craves safety, predictability, certainty, control feels like an antidote to uncertainty, but in The context of a divorce shitshow where everything seems unpredictable is actually this unpredictability that actually ultimately leads to the growth and healing. So you know, have a think about it, look at the moments when you're trying to control something or someone and ask yourself, why is it really about what's best for you or your future, or is it about trying to avoid discomfort and uncertainty? Think about a time when you've had to watch your ex move on with someone else, and ask yourself if the pain you're feeling is because you genuinely miss the connection, or is it because it feels like a rejection of who you are, because many of us may completely included, confuse the two, and it's often that ego that we need to heal before we can move on from the relationship.

Sarah Elizabeth  19:55

So let's talk now a bit more about how this impacts you, and turn the mirror on ourselves a bit. Because I know it's uncomfortable, but let's be freaking honest, controlling behaviours aren't just exhausting. They're damaging as fuck. It is emotionally exhausting. It's fucking exhausting for a start, being constantly wrapped up in managing someone else's behaviour takes a huge toll on your emotional well being. It's like you're carrying an emotional backpack filled with someone else's stress, someone else's shit, and that weight gets fucking heavier all the time. When we're consumed with how to control the situation, we lose sight of our own emotional needs. We end up giving so much of ourselves that we forget how to even receive love or care for ourselves, and over time, that leads to a massive freaking burnout. It's like running a marathon with no damn finish line. And this emotional exhaustion isn't just about feeling tired, it's about being emotionally drained without even knowing why you wake up in the morning. It's like your energy is already running on low in the day and even started, and let's not even go there, on the mental overload this causes that endless mental chatter when you're caught up in trying to control things. Let's be honest, your mind doesn't stop, does it? It's the what ifs, the could haves, the should haves, they swirl around in your head none freaking stop. It's like you have 100 browser tabs opening your brain, all demanding attention, but none of them are actually productive, and that constant mental overload is not only exhausting, but also overwhelming. The mental energy that you need to constantly figure things out prevents you from focusing on anything that truly matters to you or helps you. And that kind of mental stress doesn't just go away. It seeps into your daily life. It affects your productivity, your creativity, even your ability to enjoy life. You're so distracted by what's out your control that you can't even enjoy the present moment and think about yourself. Your mind is stuck in like perpetual problem solving mode, and it's fucking tiring. And what about the time it cost you as well? You know that feeling when you check the time and realise hours of past without you even noticing. That's often because your focus has been on controlling someone or something else. Time Spent obsessing over how to handle someone's behaviour or trying to fix their mood, it's like time you're taking away from yourself, and you could be investing that time and energy in your own growth, healing something that brings you joy, but instead just start holding on to something, someone outside your control. So instead of endlessly checking their Instagram or overthinking how to make things hashtag right, imagine how much more fulfilling it would be to redirect that energy into something fun, something for you, whether it's having a dance off with yourself in your living room, laughing with your mates, bingeing on Netflix, whatever it is, the hours spent worrying honestly, could be turned into hours spent reconnecting with you, if you really start, you can always focus on a good personal development book over in the divorce book club, just saying, but honestly, letting go of controlling behaviours isn't just about stopping a pattern. It's about shifting your mindset. It's about consciously redirecting your energy and thoughts in a way that serves you, not the other person.

Sarah Elizabeth  23:42

So how do you start to loosen your grip and reclaim your peace? Well, as always, the first step is self awareness, recognise what or who it is you're actually trying to control. And be really honest with yourself. It's easy to think you're just trying to help, trying to make it better. But the reality might be that you're trying to control their emotions, actions, the outcome of a situation, and that's where we get stuck. So try writing it all down. Make a list of all the things you're attempting to manage, whether it's their responses, their behaviour, how they view you, how the relationship plays out, all of it, is it their feelings about you? Is it their actions, their moods? Getting that kind of clarity will help you let go of that illusion that you can influence these things by acknowledging it, you open up the space to let it go, release that shit. And then it's about making the shift from fixing to feeling if you're a problem solver by nature, it's so good I'm tempting to dive into fixing everything. I know I did it, but. What if you shifted from fixing to focusing on your own feelings? Ask yourself, what do I need to feel better right now? Instead of rushing to solve someone else's issues, let's get to the heart of what you actually need, emotionally, self care, not just self repair. This shift is a game changer. Instead of being caught in the cycle of what's wrong with them or what they're doing or not doing and trying to fix it, you're focusing on what's right for you, whether that's taking a walk, journaling, talking to a mate, just fucking breathing properly, small acts of self compassion are much more within your control and will ultimately lead you to a more peaceful state of mind. It's about you, not him, and that was actually the recurring theme in the last chapter of runaway husbands in last month's divorce book club. It's not about him, it's about you, and trust in yourself too, that it's going to be okay. We try and control so much, don't we, but think about it this way, right? Imagine you go to a restaurant, right? You sit down, you look at the menu, you decide what you want, and you all do a meal, right? Do you then sit there fretting about if they've got the ingredients. Where did they get the ingredients? What if the what if the chef doesn't cook it right? Mm, God. What if they run out of plates? What if the waiter trips over bringing it to you? Or what if you need another drink? Oh, do you know? Can you imagine how fucking exhausting that would be? Of course, you don't, you order what you want, and you trust that that shits come in. Similarly in this you set your intention for how your new life is gonna look, and trust it'll all come to you just as it should. Yes, you can control what actions you take towards it, just like you take control in order in the freaking meal in the first place, but the rest of that shit is out your control. Fuck that. 

27:07

Focus on what you can control. Start taking back your power while you can't control their behaviour, their actions. There are three major things that are completely in your control. Number one, your reactions. You can't always control what happens to you, but you can sure as hell control how you respond. That's power. Number two, your healing process. No one can heal you, but you take the steps you need to heal at your pace for you and three, your future, the direction you take moving forward is yours to choose and control. The beauty of that is that you get to decide what comes next, your reactions, your healing, your future that is in your control. Think of your energy as a battery. Every time you focus on things outside your control, you drain that battery. But imagine what happens if you use that energy to focus on you. You begin to fuel your glow up, your personal evolution, your rise up from the flames, your self care, whatever you want to look at it, and suddenly your energy and wasted mate, it's invested. And look, you know, this shit takes practice. Letting Go isn't a one and done thing, right? It's a recurring choice. It's about making that choice over and over and over, as often as it takes, as much as you need. When you catch yourself trying to control a situation or a person or an outcome, just pause. Just pause, take a breath and say to yourself, This isn't mine to control. And then actively redirect your energy, just a few moments of self awareness like this can totally break the pattern of overthinking that leads to control. And look, letting go isn't about losing control. It's about gaining freedom. It's about releasing that emotional weight you've been carrying.  Put that shit down, babe. The truth is, the more you let go, the more space you create for peace. And let me tell you, I never knew in the midst of all the fucking drama, just how much I bloody love peace. Honestly, you're not losing anything important, you're gaining so much emotional freedom. It's the ultimate gift you can give yourself a chance to live without the constant pressure to fix it, to manage it, to control it. If you can do this, mate, it's. Such a powerful transformation, you feel lighter that emotional burden you're carrying ain't yours. When you let go, you free yourself from the weight of someone else's choice, of their behaviour, their actions. You free yourself the relief is profound. It's like standing up after sitting there for hours, you know, a feeling when you've sat there for ages and you suddenly stand up and feels like you've just regained your ability to move, you know,and you reclaim your time and energy too. Every minute spent obsessing over something outside of your control is a minute lost that you're never going to get back, but the minute you stop trying to control, you get your time back and you get to use that energy for things that matter to you, your passions, your goals, your healing, you because it's not about him, it's about you,

30:57

and you totally find your power letting go of the need to control shows that your peace isn't reliant on others. You are the one who holds the key to your peace, to your emotional well being, to your healing, and when you realise that you 100% find your strength and independence, it's like dropping the rope. Imagine a tug of war you're desperately trying to pull a dead weight over the line to use so that you somehow air quotes a win. But by dropping the rope, stepping away, detaching emotionally, you completely take the power of someone or something outside of you, controlling you, because you think you have control means you are actually letting the situation or person control. You just drop the fucking rope. Imagine carrying a backpack full of rocks uphill. It's exhausting. The minute you take it off, you feel the freedom, the weightlessness. That's what letting go feels like. You'll honestly be amazed at how much light you feel when you stop trying to carry so much fucking emotional burden that isn't yours to carry.

32:10

So now it's your time. Let go the fucking reins, stop trying to control their story and start writing your own. Turn this next chapter, the divorce chapter into a new, happy ever after on your terms. Yes, you're with me, here for that. I'm here for it.

Sarah Elizabeth  32:32

So I hope that has helped you in some small way. If you too have felt a bit like a control freak, I see you like I say I was you, which is why I now know the freaking pace you get from letting that shit go, believe me,

32:48

if it has helped, I'd love, love, love. If you could rate and review the episode. Oh, and on that. Hang on. The winner of the was it a draw? Was it a competition? Whichever the winner of the Amazon voucher was Eliza from Swansea. Oh Welsh, sending over to you with an extra cwtch. Welsh for hug, one of my besties is Welsh. So there we go, draw competition over. But please, please, please, do carry on writing and reviewing, because it genuinely, genuinely helps the people that need this podcast to find it in April in the divorce book club, we're reading the midpoint plan by Gabby Logan, which is taking charge of your health habits and happiness to thrive in midlife and beyond. Here for that and all. So all the shizzle you need to know is down in the show notes below wherever you're listening to the episode. So thank you. Thank you, as always, for listening, and I will be back in your beautiful earbuds next time. So until then, sending you so much love and cwtches Bye.