The Divorce Chapter

EP90 The Divorce Drama You Don’t Know You’re Clinging To

• Sarah Elizabeth • Episode 90

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Ever catch yourself thinking, “Why the f*ck am I STILL not over this damn divorce?” 

Yeah. I was the same. 

In this episode, I’m pulling back the curtain on secondary gains ... .those sneaky little perks your brain weirdly gets from staying stuck in the pain. 

Attention, avoidance, drama, validation... It's like emotional junk food, and unfortunately, your brain LOVES it.

In this episode I walk you through:

🧠 Why your brain secretly prefers heartbreak over healing

🎡 The thought loops keeping you on the pain hamster wheel

⚒️ Practical tools to interrupt those patterns and build new ones

🕵🏻‍♀️ How to spot when you’re self-sabotaging and what to do instead

You’re NOT lazy. You’re NOT broken. But your nervous system might be loyal to your hurt…. and it’s time we changed that.

This one’s part pep talk, part emotional intervention, and totally for you if you’re ready to stop replaying the old story and finally move the hell on.

Let’s go 💥

Loads of Love,

Sarah x

🌸


P.S. In May in the Divorce Book Club, we’re not only celebrating our first birthday 🎉 but we’re reading How to Heal After Narcissistic Abuse by Caroline Strawson…..And It’s a Must-Read for Anyone Healing from a Toxic Relationship.

If your ex made you feel like you were the problem…
If you’re still replaying conversations wondering, “Was it really that bad?”
If you're done with gaslighting, breadcrumbing, and walking on eggshells...

💡 Then May’s Divorce Book Club pick is for YOU.

Blending neuroscience, trauma recovery, and real-life insight, this book is packed with practical tools to help you go from surviving to thriving after narcissistic abuse. Perfect for anyone who wants science-backed healing with a side of empowerment.

✨ Whether you're still untangling from a toxic ex or rebuilding yourself from the inside out, this month’s read will support your healing, one chapter at a time.

➡️ Make sure you’re joined up to get access to the pick, discussion prompts, and healing conversations that will remind you:

You’re not crazy. You’re just finally free.

So if you want to join us, check it all out HERE ⬇️

(And use code BIRTHDAY for 50% off your first month (until May 31 2025) 🎁)

THE DIVORCE BOOK CLUB
 
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SUMMARY KEYWORDS

divorce, emotional rehab, heartbreak, secondary gains, comfort, brain habits, healing, pain, validation, risk avoidance, identity, pattern reinforcement, drama addiction, support, new story

SPEAKERS

Sarah Elizabeth


Sarah Elizabeth  00:00

Hola and welcome to the divorce chapter, the podcast that's part pep talk, part emotional rehab and all about turning your heartbreak into your hottest fucking chapter yet. We're talking hot girl peace and calling out every last drop of self sabotaging bullshit your brain thinks is helpful. I'm your host, Sarah Elizabeth divorcee, realist and your favourite foul mouthed cheerleader with a heart of gold. Well, I hope I am, you know, like love and light, but I'll still bite. So whether you're hiding in the loo from your own feelings hate listening to your ex's playlist, or rage texting your mate about his new girlfriend called Sapphire. I mean, seriously, anyway, wherever you're at you're in the right place. But let's get one thing clear at the off. If you have ever screamed, why the fuck am I still not over the divorce? You are not dramatic. You are not broken. And no, you don't need another load of crystals or a moon bath, unless that's your vibe, then crack on. Knock yourself out. Love. What you might need to hear, though, is that actually your own brain is low key cock blocking your healing. I know awks. So today's episode is about secondary gains, the sneaky little perks we get from staying stuck in our pain. Sounds fucked up, right? Why the hell would anyone choose to stay heartbroken? Because your brain is a sneaky little bastard. It loves comfort even even if that comfort is freaking emotional garbage. So let's get the comfort blanket off. Gently slap those mental habits around a bit and get into why your nervous system might be more loyal to your heartbreak than your goddamn healing, and more importantly, what the hell to do about it? So let's go. 


Sarah Elizabeth  02:31

What the hell even our secondary gains Sare, I hear you ask. Okay, so let's say the primary problem is that you're in pain after your divorce, right? You're heartbroken, lonely, grieving, disorientated, you know, the classics, that's the obvious primary shit. A secondary gain is some sort of weird bonus you get from actually staying in that painful place. It might be attention. It might be feeling a little bit special because of all the drama, almost like you're finally being validated for him being a dickhead. It might be the permission to not move forward yet, because that's some hairy, scary shit. It might be the excuse to avoid dating, avoid taking risks, avoid changing anything in your bloody life. It's not that you consciously want to stay stuck, not at all, not at all. It's just that a part of you is like, Oh, this is so fucking horrible. But also, people have been really nice to me. I don't have to make any decisions yet. I don't have to take any risks. Maybe kind of hang out here a little bit longer. You know, it's like eating cold pizza in your dressing gown on a Sunday morning? Do you feel great long term? No. Do you want to stop also? No, because right now it's numbing, it's familiar, and it's far better than getting dressed and facing the gym or your feelings. Secondary gains are like emotional comfort food and your brain, it fucking loves comfort, even if it's crap. So let's talk a bit about why the brain is a bit of a dick like this sometimes, because we need to understand how this shit works if we're gonna kind of outsmart it. The brain is not on a mission to make you happy. It's on a mission to keep you alive, and one of its favourite tricks is sticking to what's familiar, even if what's familiar is total shit, because it's safe. So if you were stuck in a marriage where you were chronically stressed. Like walking on eggshells all the fucking time over, functioning, emotionally abandoned. Guess what becomes familiar to your brain, stress, drama, sadness, chaos, those become the norm, and your brain forms like these literal neural grooves, like little paths in the woods. Walk those paths often enough he left me I was never good enough. Why did he cheat? And it becomes easier and faster to walk those same paths again and again and again and again, rather than trying to forge a brand new route. That's how you end up stuck on the pain roundabout, saying, I just can't seem to move on, because your brain is taking the path of least resistance, and that path is soaked in old pain that's become weirdly comforting. It's what you know. It's like your brain is still using Windows 95 and absolutely refusing to update to Mac OS or whatever it is, because we've always done it this way. Here, no Margot, no Brenda, whatever your name your inner critic, we're upgrading now. Yes, we are. 


Sarah Elizabeth  06:17

So let's get specific, because different people get different ones of these bonuses from being stuck, right? So let's break them down so it might be attention and validation when your life implodes, people show up, they message. They ask you where you are. They tell you you're fucking amazing. You feel seen for the first time. In may be years, and that that shit can be addictive, because if you heal too fast, or you move on, that attention, it drops off. People stop checking and a part of you might go shit. Maybe I should have just felt sad a little bit longer, like one of my besties, she and I can't remember for the fucking life of me, how she came up with it, maybe she saw it in a card or something, I don't know. But anyway, she started calling me totes amaze, or totes, for short, like your totes amaze darling, although, actually, she still calls me it. Now, even though I'm well over the ex, but it was nice, you know, being told you're basically amazing for how you're dealing with the shit, though, as I said, she still calls me that. Now, anyway, heart break or not. So that probably isn't the best example of dragging me feet. Because I secretly like the one who got the validation for the change, but you get the vibe, right? It gives you a bit of attention you may have been lacking for fucking long time, and that can feel nice, and you want more of that shit, you know. 


Sarah Elizabeth  07:53

Or it may be that you're avoiding risk, because, let's be honest, moving on is fucking terrifying. Dating again. No thank you, sir, opening your heart after betrayal, fuck that. Changing careers, finances, parenting, dynamics, moving house, absolute fucking chaos. So the brain says, Let's just hang out in this known misery instead of risking unknown pain. That's a secondary gain. You don't have to take risks if you stay in your hurt era, do you? Or it might be that your story, you know, the I'm the one who got cheated on story or he destroyed our family, sort of story, that those kinds of narratives become a core part of your identity, and letting that story go feels like a death, because who are you? Who even, are you without the suffering without that story? It's like holding on to a toxic ex's hoodie smells like shit, but it's yours, and you're not ready to let it go, because it reminds you of something, even if that something's pain. I know someone who got divorced after infidelity, and that story basically defined her entire fucking life until she died. And let me tell you, it was not a happy story, but it's almost like that gives you the control over it, rather than the alternative sympathy currency, if you like pain, gives you permission, permission to rest, permission to say no, permission to have boundaries. A part of you might be a little bit scared that healing means giving all that up. 


Sarah Elizabeth  09:42

So how does this all work, actually, in real life? How do these little bastards keep you stuck on the hamster wheel of heartbreak? Well, with our brains, like I said, it's pattern reinforcement. The more you repeat thoughts, like I'm broken, I'm never going to trust again. Or everyone leaves me, the deeper that groove gets, you're not choosing the pain. Your brain is following the pattern because it feels like it's been efficient for you. It's saving you from the energy of having to adapt to a new thought, new behaviour. And you know, let's just also talk for a moment about being addicted to drama. Let's not pretend this isn't a thing. The adrenaline, the tears, the voice notes to your mates at two o'clock in the morning, the rereading of old texts, the checking of social media, the drama reenactments in your heads. That shit weirdly lights your brain up like a fucking Christmas tree. It's not healthy, but it feels alive. You get almost like emotionally high off your own misery. And sometimes it might be a kind of false empowerment, like sometimes staying stuck lets you go see I was right not to trust him. I told you. This is why I never try. It becomes like a shield, an armour. You get to be right? Instead of getting to be free. It's like choosing to wear stilettos on a hike. They're painful. They don't make sense, but you're convinced they're part of your look now, so you keep limping along, pretending this is what empowerment looks like. 


Sarah Elizabeth  11:18

Okay, so maybe now we need to call out the bullshit, but with a bit of love and get a bit brutally honest, not the kind of honesty that leaves you crying on the kitchen floor, eating tomatoes, although no judgement been there. I mean the kind of honesty that rips the wool off your eyes and goes, fuck, I'm keeping myself here, not because you're lazy, not because you're broken, but because your brain has attached benefits to your current pain. So let's start spotting it. I've chucked in here a few journal prompts for you to have a think about for after the episode's finished, just for you to answer like no one's watching, no one's reading, because they aren't. You can burn it afterwards, if you like. So I want you to think about, what do you get out of staying stuck right now? Be real. Is it sympathy, control, avoidance? What is it? What scary thing would you have to face if you actually moved on, might be a new identity. Might be being alone. It might be dating again. What is it? And a bit of a gut puncher, one. Who are you without this story? And lastly, what are you afraid of will happen if you actually heal? Because healing scare is fucking it. It means responsibility, accountability to yourself. It means choice. It means getting out of bed, metaphorically and literally, and that's a big ask when you feel emotionally fucking flattened. But, but this is where you gently, compassionately tell yourself, right? I see it now. I've been holding on to pain like it's a fucking trophy. It's time to put that shit down. It's time to rip off the comfort blanket.


Sarah Elizabeth  13:18

So how do we stop dancing with the seductive little demons? Okay, first, let's get a bit nerdy. Don't worry, I'll try and keep it sexy. Your brain is a creature of habit, right? Like I've said, the brain is basically a puppy. It learns from repetition and reward. So every time you ruminate about your ex, your brain thinks, boom, we're doing this again. Cool. I'll make this easier for you next time. That's how these thought loops get stronger and stronger and stronger. To rewire it, reprogramme it, set a new path. You need three things, right, awareness, interruptions and new pathways. So let's break that down a little bit more. So awareness is the first step. You've got to catch the thought as it comes in. This is so so hard, but honestly, try and give it a go. So when you spot it, say something to yourself, like, oh, that old chestnut again. He's ruined my life, and I'll never trust again. Thank you. Fuck off. Now I'm not inviting you in anymore. You can even name the pattern out loud, like, oh, look, there's my abandonment wound showing up like an uninvited party guest again, you know. Or track it seriously, grab your notes app, scrappy bit of paper, whatever. Just note down every time that same thought or story shows up. You don't even need to change it yet. Just see it. It's not about judgement. It's about shining a bloody great spotlight on these sneaky thoughts that are running the show behind the scenes. I. So when you've worked out where that is and had that awareness of what those thought loops are and what those patterns are, we need to interrupt it. We need to break the loop. Don't let the thought get comfy, and that's where we start to do something different the minute you catch the thought. So it's like put on a song that makes you feel like main character energy. Shake your body yet literally shake like you're trying to dry yourself off after getting caught in the rain. It clears emotional static and sorts out your nervous system. Walk the dog, go outside, splash cold water on your face. Say, cancel, cancel. Like a woo, woo wizard, what you can flick your fingers dramatically, Expelliamus. And use humour. Use humour, humour, you know, I love a bit of humour. Shout something ridiculous every time a thought comes up, go fucking bananas or not today Satan, because laughing interrupts the circuit and shifts your state right? And use your senses, grab a mint, run your hands under cold water, because biologically, you can't stay in that state and use your senses at the same time, right? So bring yourself back to the now by bringing awareness to your senses. And like I say, move your body. Do something physical, clap your hands, do 10 jumping jacks, shake your ass, to Lizzo, anything to snap your nervous system out of the loop, right? The goal is to interrupt the well worn path and go nope, not walking down that road again. Thank you. And finally, now that you've spotted the thought and you slapped it with a glittery not today, thank you. It's time to lay down a new pathway, a new track. Think of it like reprogramming your emotional sat nav. You're not pretending the old road don't exist anymore. You're just choosing to drive somewhere better, a nicer way. 


Sarah Elizabeth  17:12

But start small, though, none of the toxic positivity bullshit like everything's amazing. I'm thriving when you feel like you've been hit by a truck, just real shit, like I'm learning to choose peace over chaos. I'm building a life that isn't centred around betrayal. I'm becoming someone I actually bloody like, say it in the shower. Say it while brushing your teeth. Say it while you're crying into a marks and spencers, meal deal. Stick on post it notes like you're emotionally redecorating your old house. Just remember repetition is your new religion. Here, your brain doesn't care if it's true, yet it just cares if it's familiar. So make the new shit familiar. Make healing the habit. This is not deleting the old identity. You're just updating it. It's like your emotional software upgrade love. Think less glitchy trauma loops and more great energy. But here's the part, most people then skip the What the fuck do I do instead? Bit, it's not just enough to call out the old pattern. You have to replace the secondary gain, the reward with a better one. 


Sarah Elizabeth  18:24

So let's talk replacement. So for healthy validation, swap sympathy for support that actually builds you find your shovel sisters you know the ride or dies, who turn up with wine and snacks and possibly a shovel with no questions asked, not the ones who let you spiral in a three hour all men are trash rant. We love them one but we're evolving now. Get validation for your growth, not for your suffering. Talk to a coach. Book a therapy sesh. Voice Note that one unhinged but wise mate who gives pep talks like they're your personal manager. You're still allowed to need support. You're just choosing the kind of support that moves the needle forward. Get validation for your healing, not for your pain. If it's a risk thing, choose risk anyway. Feel the fear and do it anyway and all that. Just start small. Text the new guy. Sign up for that class book. The damn trip. Let life stretch you. Risk is what makes your brain go, oh, shit, we're changing. Okay, okay, let's go along. Let's get on board. And yeah, you might fall on your ass, but guess what? You've already survived a divorce that makes you practically indestructible, for fuck sake. And if it's about the story, their identity, build a new story. Start talking about yourself in the now, not just the backstory. You're not the woman whose husband cheated and left. You're the bad ass who built a whole fucking new life from the ashes of the shit show, and you're still becoming her. Tell that. Story until that's your truth again and again and again and again. Think of it like taking off your trauma crown and trading it for sparkly tiara that says, I built this shit myself. So I'm gonna start to wrap up pep talk now, but here's what I want you to remember, you're not fucked up, you're not lazy, you're not doomed to a life of emotional constipation and stalking your ex on social media at one o'clock in the morning. You've just been getting a secondary hit from staying stuck, and now you know better. Now you know that your brain will take any little reward it can find, even if it keeps you miserable. Now you know that your story needs to evolve. Now you know you've been hiding from the bigness of what comes next. But guess what? You can do hard shit because you've already done hard shit, and you didn't come this far just trying around in your emotional dressing gown, waiting for someone to rescue you. This next chapter, your next era. This is about you, no ex, no drama, no second hand sorrow. It's built on truth. It's built on risk, and it's built on telling the secondary gains in your life to fuck all the way off, right? So you ready to get out your home way? Let's fucking go. Love it, love it, love it, love it. And if you love this episode, needed the pep talk. Do your girl with solid and screenshot it. Share it on Instagram. Tag me at the divorce chapter, tell me what secondary gain you're letting go of today. So I'd love to know, let's make space for the life we actually want, not the one our brain's been clinging to like a toxic ex in their DMS. So on that note, pep talk over. I'm gonna love you and leave you and I do bloody love you. I will be back in your beautiful earbuds again next week. So until then, sending you so much love. Bye,


Sarah Elizabeth  21:49

bye.

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