The Energy Bank: Practical Tips for Protecting your Post-Divorce Energy

With all that is going on in the world, plus Christmas looming and all the emotions it can stir, especially for those of us navigating the first one post-divorce, I thought let's chat about protecting our energy.  When I say energy, I mean our vibe, whether it's high or low. 

Think of it as an energy bank – every interaction is a transaction. You can invest in positive interactions that replenish your energy or spend too much on situations that drain you, leaving you scrambling for an overdraft. Budgeting to protect our energy is crucial.

In this episode, I look into different ways to manage and protect your energy...  From shifting your body to shift your state, about the energetic power of music and about designing your environment for a successful energy boost.

I also cover boundaries with people, with social media and the news, and touch on the grey rock technique. 

Remember, every interaction is a transaction. Are you going to be rich in energy or bankrupt? 

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Chapters

• 0:00 What is energy?
• 3:32 Energy Bank Account
• 4:23 Shifting your body to shift your state
• 7:55 The power of Music
• 9:41 Designing your environment for success
• 12:20 Managing Mood Hoovers and Energy Vampires
• 15:04 The Grey Rock technique
• 15:54 The doom scrolling energy drain
• 16:43 The impact of the news
• 18:45 Vicarious Trauma

Transcript

00:00

Hello, and welcome back to the divorce chapter podcast. Thank you so very much for the lovely messages after last week's podcast, I am feeling in a lot better place than I was, I've been taking my own advice and doing the things I know know makes me feel happier. I've got back into my morning routine as that is definitely something I know sets me up for far more positive day. So back into journaling, meditation, gratitude and exercise as my core basics every morning. And at the other end of the day, I read a chapter of a self development book with a lovely magnesium salts bath before trying to get in seven or eight hour sleep. That's for me, like bookending my day with some positivity and some goodness, and it does me wonders. Still bloody knackered mind. But I guess it demonstrates again, the compound effect of atomic habits eh? And for those who don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, take a trip back to episode three. But after last week's episode, and with all the things going on in the world right now, with it being just over a month until Christmas. And the people and the things that that could bring and for some of us actually it being the first Christmas, since the divorce. I thought that this week, I'd talk a bit about protecting our energy, because it kind of extends on from talking about our mental health as well. I'm thinking emotionally and physically protecting ourselves. 

01:44

So when I talk about energy, I'm talking about the sense of being our vibe, and whether that is high vibe or low vibe. Now there are really four types of energy, you've got physical energy, which you could see as the quantity of that energy, then you've got emotional energy, which is more about the quality of the energy. mental energy is the power of our focus. And spiritual energy, which is said to be the force of our energy, our soul, our being if you like. So when I talk about protecting our energy, I'm really talking not only about the quantity as in physical energy, but the quality. 

02:31

So I like to think of it a bit like an energy bank, like a bank account, every interaction is a transaction. I'll say that, again, I'll say it a bit louder for those at the back. Every interaction is a transaction. Now you can invest in positive interactions that replenish your energy, and make you feel fucking amazing. Or you can spend way too much on situations that drain the fuck out of you and leave you scrambling for an overdraft. Thinking about it like this helps us to think about how we might sort of even budget to protect our energy, right? Find ways to manage the interactions.

03:22

So how do we do this? So some of the more physical ways I've talked about last week and before that in other episodes, too, but I think in this context of our energy, it's definitely worth reiterating. So we'll start with moving your body now, I'm not exactly talking about exercise in the context of our mental health, like I was focused on in the last episode, more so the power in that shifting your body results in a shift of state. Like when you find yourself in a low energy state, I can bet you're physically hunched, your posture is in a total slump, you're probably a bit fidgety and restless or you're staring into space. You know what I mean, right. Now, last week, I mentioned the whole giving your body a vigorous shake thing, and I hope you tried it because it goddamn works, but for the purposes of shifting your energetic state, there are all sorts of things you can try, and again, the reason for this is that you are also shifting your nervous system. So if you want to try and relax when you're tense, one good little routine and please don't do this if you're driving, you know, don't want to be responsible and all that, is to, right step one, consciously unclench your jaw.

04:51

Then consciously relax your shoulders and move your neck to release the tightness.

05:01

Then keeping your head still move your eyes from right to left and back again a couple of times.

05:10

Then wiggle your fingers.

05:13

And then take four deep box breaths. A box breath are great anyway, even just on their own for calming the nervous system, you basically breathe in for four seconds and imagine drawing an imaginary line up the side of a square box. You then hold for four and imagine drawing along the top of the square box. Then exhale for four imagining drawing the line back down the other side and finally hold the out breath for four and imagine completing the square. So you're in for four hold for four out for four hold for four So you do your jaw, your shoulders, your eyes, your fingers you breath. And it just helps to calm the state and also gives you something else to focus on you focus your mind on because you're doing that you're taking your mind's attention away from whatever is dragging your site down.

06:11

Or if you want to energise yourself and fill up the bank a bit, this is probably going to sound as cray cray as the shaking thing. But bear with.  Stand up tall. Put your shoulders back and pound your chest. You know, like an ape. It sounds mad, but it completely changes your state. Or if you're in public, you don't want to be with just rubbing your hands together and then smiling. Even if you have to really fucking force it. It's virtually impossible to smile, and feel shit. Just saying. And I think I've said this before, too. But music is also so powerful for shifting our state and changing our energy. Now after a divorce, I know I know, because I did it. It is so tempting to play break up songs or songs that remind you of your ex. Pink's just give me a reason was everywhere when I first separated from my ex husband. So now whenever I hear it, I get this sort of weird feeling of being transported back in time. But without any of the emotion I felt at the time if that randomness  makes any sense. But at the time, I played it on repeat. And it usually made me cry, wherever I was public or otherwise I didn't give a shit. And why did we do that to ourselves? We feel sad. So we play songs that make us fucking cry. And once he then decided he wanted me back, my ex husband then sent me a song called Clarity, which was then another good song ruined. And that's without the wedding songs. I mean, mine was I've had the time of my life. Little did I know it would end up as the worst fucking time in my life. But hey we move. And I joke about this now, but at the time it felt so real and raw. And I remember playing this shit on repeat and bawling.

08:17

So if you can try instead and create a playlist of high vibe high energy songs that make you want to sing that make you want to dance, you know the ones, you'll know the ones that do it for you that when you hear it, you just have to move, you just feel good. Dance like no one's watching and all that, you know.

08:41

Now another way to protect your energy, something I definitely talked about in the habits episode, which is designing your environment for success. Now, in the context of protecting energy. Remember, every interaction is a transaction. Let's talk about the physical environment and the impact on your energy.

09:03

So first off, creating a sanctuary you can not underestimate the power for your energy bank of creating a sanctuary within your home. Having the physical space around you to protect you is like the best interest rates you've ever frickin seen for your energy bank. Believe me. I called my previous home Princess cottage, my sanctuary for the very reason it felt safe. After the breakdown of my marriage, it was mine, well it wasn't mine as it turns out That's where I'm at now but anyway, but you know, it was my space. I had all my own things and it was cosy and comfortable and I bloody loved it. For me. I wouldn't feel that relaxed in like a minimalist style for example, but you do whatever works for you make your home or your physical space inviting in a way that makes you feel calm and safe. And that will do wonders for your energy. And also decluttering and cleaning, nobody is going to feel full of positive energy when that energy is sucked up in a shithole. If there's crap everywhere, and it's a mess. Unless you really function in a mess, that external environment is gonna join your energy account whether you think it will or not. Plus, it's a win win as you'd be moving your body to clean and first place.

10:31

Anyway, moving on. While we're thinking about decluttering, and designing an environment for success in terms of energy, photos,

10:43

Have you still got photos up everywhere with your ex? Or worse? Have you still got your wedding photo up?

10:50

All I'm gonna ask you to think about is this?

10:54

What the fuck do you think happens to your nervous system, every single time you walk past that shit and glance at it,

11:07

you're gonna be needing more of an energy overdraft at that rate mate, believe me. Unfortunately 0% interest rate, energy credit cards are not a thing. So do yourself a favour and shift that shit.

11:20

So next up onto a biggie for the energy bank boundaries. And I'm talking about a lot of different levels.

11:28

People.

11:30

Some people have the most unbelievable way of draining our energy, mood, Hoover's energy vampires, call them what you will, but geez, you know, when you've been caught by one it's like trying to enjoy a picnic with a swarm of mosquitoes, you just want to eat your sarni. But the bastards are determined to suck the joy out of it all those people.

11:56

It's so important to manage boundaries with these people, at the best of times, but especially after a divorce, it said that you become like the average of the five people you spend the most time with, right. And we really do not want people to think that you are the energy vampire now do we? Because we end up copying and reflecting the behaviours of those around us. And so it's vital, we try to protect our energy and set those boundaries. A good way to do this with those sorts of people, if you can't get out of it, is to timebox them. Like if it's a friend who you don't feel quite ready to cut out your life yet, instead of giving them free access to you set limits. Say you're only free from seven till nine for instance, it sets limits around the time that you may have to be stuck with them.

12:53

And if you are stuck with a mood hoover well, you can try to shut it down and say something like, I know you're trying to help. But I'm not feeling in a great place right now I could really do with being more positive,

13:07

or flick the switch on the actual conversation. Some people are constantly so negative and draining I swear they don't even realise the effect they have on other people's energy. They're just so used to being on a downer all the time. And because nobody really knows how to deal with them, you end up taking it on. And if you're a bit of an empath, it's worse because you really do absorb that energy. So using questions or responses that naturally switch the tone from negative to positive can be really helpful. So like an example if,

13:49

if someone I dunno is complaining about their shit day at work, right,

13:54

turn it around and ask them what the best bit about their day was, it shifts the focus of the energy in the conversation.

14:04

And another great technique with these energy draining people and remembering that our ex can also often fall into this category and be a complete tosspot

14:16

is to use the grey rock technique. Now this is usually used with abusive people of which of course your ex may well be one as well as negative. But it's also good as a method of protecting your energy and the key is to basically act unresponsive and completely indifferent. As if you were just a lump of grey rock.

14:43

By not engaging you then have the best chance to retain your energy and not let any fucker drain you. And another energy drain which does require some serious boundaries is social media. We all do it the doom scrolling, you know, it's bad when you go on Tik Tok for five minutes and two hours later, you've watched an entire fucking film, if you know, you know,

15:09

But seriously, social media is a killer for energy, it can drain your energy bank quicker than a coffee addict downs an espresso. You know, it's bad, you don't even need me to tell you this, for the love of God, set a daily limit and stick to it. And also for the love of God, block your ex and any of his people that might show him in any way. Because that, losing that. The block over the bloke who will feel your energy bank or right back up. You don't need to see that. Finally on the energy boundaries, the news. Now this is a balance as it is also important to know what's going on in the world. But but it's a fine bloody line

15:56

at the start of COVID, right? And the first lockdown it was for me as it was for a lot of people a fucking shit time right. Working from home alone, living at home alone, not being able to see anyone nothing's fucking open you haven't even got any loo roll, which for Crohn's is not good. You know, I'd spent years distracting myself with the office with my friends with my social life. Being busy, busy, busy, busy, busy. And all of a sudden, I was forced to learn to be alone, which is a whole other story in itself. But in the early days, I found myself constantly refreshing BBC News on my phone, watching the Boris, bollocks show every goddamn night I was already so low. and watching it, keeping myself in it, sucking what was left straight out of me. So I stopped, stopped, I stopped watching the news, I stopped checking the app, I turned the updates off, and I just got on with it, I did end up having to actually switch back on the BBC notifications for the headline bits, as I've very nearly missed a lockdown. But by and large, I try to avoid the news. Now at the moment, there's so much on the news about Palestine. And it really is a fine line between knowing enough and knowing too little because I do also think we have a responsibility to know what is going on. But and this is the big but, when we are in a massive energy low, which we often particularly are after a divorce. How's it going to help you to see all the shit in the world on the regular?

17:44

You know, as a social worker, one of the things we are supposedly  prone to is vicarious trauma, which is basically the emotional impact of constant exposure to child abuse its essentially a secondary trauma. And usually vicarious trauma is talked about in terms of the impact of someone's work, but honestly, what do you really think's gonna happen to you? If you watch war, murders, rape, et cetera, et cetera on a regular basis? It's just not going to be great is it? Right now, going through a breakup, you need to put yourself first because you're going to be zero help to anybody, let alone yourself if you keep draining yourself with this stuff. And hence the reason for today's episode. And hence my focus in supporting you or trying to to protect your energy, my love, because remember, every interaction is a transaction. Are you going to be rich? Or are you going to be poor?

18:50

I've talked today about shifting your body to shift your state about the energetic power of music, and about designing your environment for a successful energy boost. I've covered boundaries with people with social media with the news and I've touched on the grey rock technique all of these things. I promise you will determine whether your energy bank is full or completely depleted I actually feel like an energy bank manager.

19:21

Seriously, I do really hope some of these tips have been helpful for thinking about protecting your energy I'd love you to share with me ways you have managed to shift your state and fill your energy bank.

19:34

If you did enjoy this episode, I ask again if you could do your girl a solid and rate and review the divorce chapter podcast. It helps me so much in trying to get traction and helping more women going through divorce and all the shit that comes with it. If you could share the podcast on social media too, I will love you forever. Actually I  just love you anyway just for listening but I'd put more in your energy bank.

20:00

You know? Seriously, thank you so much for keep coming back. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I will see you in your beautiful earbuds again for the next episode. In the meantime, have a great week with loads of love from me