The Divorce Chapter

17. Ex-mas Calm after the Divorce Storm

• Sarah Elizabeth • Episode 17

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Last week, I went through the logistics of holiday planning post-divorce. However, dealing with a tricky ex and managing the emotional rollercoaster during the festive season is far from a dreamy cocktail.... definitely no Cosmo (or even a Snowball - who remembers them?!)

So this week, I'm exploring a bit about the mechanics of our nervous system and going through some practical techniques to stay calm, collected, and at peace when we might be triggered by our ex over Christmas. 

I go through the basics of the sympathetic nervous system (and fight, flight, freeze) and then the parasympathetic nervous system, introducing the ventral vagal nerve.

Then I talk through some ways to get ourselves back to a safe place in our bodies when we are faced with a trigger and a trauma response, particularly from a challenging ex-partner.

So, techniques such as mindful breathing, humming, and VOO breathing.... as well as grounding techniques, and creating an anchor point. 


The goal is to practice these strategies, preparing the body to respond to triggers in a way that promotes calmness and safety.

My aim is for you to have a peaceful, calm and even enjoyable Christmas after divorce. 

Wishing you so much love for the festive season, wherever you are at, and thank you so very much, as always, for listening into the Divorce Chapter podcast 

🌸



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00:00

Hello, and welcome back to the divorce chapter podcast. How are we? Are we all ready for Christmas? Hopefully, after last week's episode, you know, at least when you're celebrating who with and how. But then I figured, despite all of that, in terms of the planning and the practicalities, doing it all in practice, when we have a dodgy ex in the background, potentially still having some contact about the kids, maybe still trying to control you. Mixed in with all the feels and emotions. It's not exactly as dreamy a cocktail as a good old Cosmo now is it? So how can we sweeten the load a bit, and most importantly, keep you feeling calm, collected, and at peace over Christmas? I don't know about you, but I find sometimes it helps to understand the mechanics of how we work. Rather than me just tell you what to do. I think it helps to understand why. So skip forward if you're really not interested in this bit, but I think it really does help to understand. 

01:18

So let's start off with a little bit about the nervous system. Do you remember back in the thinking episode, we talked about the subconscious brain and how our thoughts work? Well, this is kind of like the feelings bit. Now. Some people say that thoughts come first, some say feelings come first. Personally, I'm not a fucking scientist or a doctor and don't give a shit. As for me, they're both pretty closely linked, your thoughts trigger your feelings or your feelings trigger your thoughts. Who knows? Who cares? They both matter. But hey, what do I know? So the autonomic nervous system now, this is like our internal surveillance system if you like.  It senses danger, and then reacts accordingly. And this then breaks down into our sympathetic nervous system and our parasympathetic nervous system.Our sympathetic nervous system is the part that gets triggered as fuck. And we have what's known as a trauma response or stress response. It's a fear of danger. Now, whatever the trigger is, it's a threat to us whether it's perceived or otherwise. So the three main trauma responses, the stress responses, which you might already know, are fight, flight, and freeze. So imagine in the wild, right, you've got a big hungry lion. And the lion spots what looks like could be a really yummy zebra. Now, the zebra doesn't have the part of the brain that might overthink the big lion coming at him. And so sensing danger emergency, the zebra starts to fucking run as in flight. But the lion is fast, super bloody fast and catches up with the zebra. So the zebra gets flooded with cortisol and starts to fight back fight. But then realises he ain't gonna win. And so makes the decision to play dead, aka freeze, which tricks the lion somewhat, the lion gets a bit bored of this. And when he sees a much juicier looking antelope, off he goes, and there's the zebra gets to run off again, and be free. Now what this zebra then does or indeed any other animal in a similar situation of getting out the danger, poor old antelope. Once they get to safety, they shake themselves off, just shake it off. Picture it, you've seen it? The animal just shakes and goes....... It hasn't got the part of the brain that worries if the lion might come and find them. Or what if the lion didn't like them? Or what if their stripes don't fucking look right? Who knows? You get the gist. Once the danger is over, the animal just shakes it off, gets all of that pent up stress energy out of their body just moves on goes to see what's, what's out there today. Whereas us humans, mmmmm not so much. You know if I think back to when I left my ex husband, I left him right,  taking flight, to my eldest son's house escaping flight. Then I got angry and tried to fight back. And all of that was interspersed with being in freeze like a fucking zombie, but I never actually released from my body, all of that fear, all of that stress that trauma. And then we wonder why I ended up with Crohn's disease eh? You see, our bodies react to a threat of danger in this way. So we've got fight, which might show up as physical or verbal aggression, we're alarmed, we're scared and our heart rate is up, up, up. Or flight, which is where we just want to run and hide, again in a state of hyper arousal and probably struggling to catch your breath.... and freeze which is disconnected and isolated, feeling numb and in shutdown. And if we don't tell our body when we are safe again, if we don't release that stress energy, we store it in our body. So the next trigger reignites that same trauma response and seeing our ex over Christmas, or his family or any of the other points which might signal in some way to you a flash, a flashback even, of danger, your body is gonna react automatically almost from memory, your sympathetic nervous system is going into red alert. Hormones flood through the pituitary at the base of the brain, which tells the adrenal gland to release cortisol, which then travels through the blood and through the body, telling it to react to the stress. We're literally being flooded with stress hormones, our bodies are trying to protect us they sense the danger. Because even though there may not be an actual physical danger, there's not a lion coming at us in Waitrose, while we're picking up our turkeys, our bodies are triggered in a trauma response. But because we don't shake it off, we store that stress energy, and it stays in our body and gets triggered by those similar situations of threat. 

07:30

Now, with the parasympathetic part of our nervous system, we have the ventral vagal nerve or the ventral vagus, and it's this part it's this, that needs to be activated, in order to feel safe, and calm and grounded. It's this part that signals safety. It's here, where instead of a trauma response, we can teach our body to get back to safety, we get back to safety in our bodies. But this shit does need to be trained. It's the ability to self soothe, if you like. And this will basically override the stress hormones and get that stress energy out. So I know that was a very basic explanation, told you I'm not a scientist. But now we know a little bit more about how this shit happens. And we know we're not fucking nuts when we're triggered as fuck by the ex. It's our body's natural response to stored trauma and fear and danger, whether perceived or otherwise. And we need to know what we can do about it to get back to feeling safe to get our bodies back to safety. And that's what I wanted to help you with today. Because if you are going to be triggered at any point after divorce, it's a pretty likely bet that Christmas will be one of those flashpoints. So what can we do when we're in fight or flight or just genuinely feeling fucking anxious? How can we get the vagus nerve going and get from the sympathetic nervous system into the parasympathetic nervous system? You might have heard of this is vagus nerve toning, think of it a bit like going to the gym and getting a six pack to regulate our nervous system and increase the cues of safety to outmanoeuvre the cues of danger, right. 

09:44

Now, the first thing is to notice, bring awareness. Notice the feeling scan your body. What do you notice? When you say you feel anxious, where in the body are you feeling that? What does that feel like? It might be your tummy feels fluttering, it might be your throat feels tight, your shoulders are tense. There's a difference between sort of naming what the feeling is and how it actually feels, so think about how it actually feels. Notice this, be aware of it. Because that, noticing it, that awareness of it, is giving you a cue to bring you back, reel you back in to trigger you back to safety rather than danger. So I feel like this, which means I need to remind my vagus nerve that I am safe, that's your cue. 

10:51

So, breathing techniques. Now, this can sound a bit cray when we talk about breath work. And I can almost hear you saying well, I know how to fucking breathe Sare. Yes, I know. But how we breathe has a massive impact on our nervous system. If you think about it, when we're in fight or flight, our breathing is shallow, it's quick, it's rapid. Our heart rate is racing. We can't breathe deeply. And it's that, that keeps us in a trauma response, that shallow breathing, which is why we need to control it. And when we notice that we need a cue for safety, bringing our attention to our breathing, and taking slow rhythmic breaths deep from the diaphragm. Now, I've talked before about box breathing. But another trick for breathing techniques specifically, in order to calm the nervous system and stimulate the vagus nerve is to breathe out for longer than you breathe in. So you take a deep breath in through the nose. And then right down into the gut, imagining the air going down deep, deep down past your chest into your tummy for say, five seconds, maybe hold for a couple and then breathe it out really slowly and rhythmically for about eight or nine seconds. Now it sounds weird, but it's almost impossible to breathe deeply and slowly and take longer out breaths when you are in fear. Because in fight or flight, you're almost holding your breath. So slow, deep breaths with longer on the out breath. Almost tricks your body into believing it's safe, so it's in....deep.... hold and out for longer. Now whether that's in for five out for seven for nine, whatever you can manage it might be to start off with that, you can only breathe in for three or four. And then breathe out for five or six, whatever you can manage. But the longer the out breath, that's the secret to tricking the vagus nerve into believing you are safe because you can't breathe like that when you are in danger. 

13:34

Now another breathing technique that helps is called the physiological sigh. And this is also breathing deeper, but this is two inhales straight after the other and then a slow out breath. So you're going .................. sorry that's not very nice for people that don't like breathing in your ear hole, but do you see that, that breathing in and in some more deep, that forces your body to feel safe. 

14:08

Now next up humming. Well, you must have known by now I suggest these weird things no? Like don't look at the podcast like What's she talking about? Like, it's me. I suggest these weird things because they goddamn work. Now, because the vagus nerve is connected to the vocal cords, humming, essentially, almost like mechanically stimulates it. So humming a song on repeat or just humming ommmmm for example, it's really calming. Try it. Think of a song, do a fucking Christmas song if you like, and just hum just hum the song. Your body will believe it's safe and then start to calm. 

14:58

One more that you might think is even weirder, but again, it frigging works. A trauma focused psychologist called Peter Levine developed this one and it's called voo breathing. So this entails taking a deep, slow inhale through the nose again. Again, taking it deep into your belly. Then as you exhale, you make the sound Voo. Like a foghorn for as long as you can exhale. So you breathe in...... VOOOOOO. Oh I went a bit wobbly there didn't I? But honestly, this shit works!

15:45

I don't know if I've said this before, but I have this massive phobia of snow. I know. I know. Don't ask you should by now I'm a weirdo? Now a while back last year, I was watching Paddington with my grandson. And there was a snow scene, I don't know if it was Paddington 1 or Paddington 2, but anyway, there was this snow scene right. And I went ooh I don't like snow, and he looked at me and asked me why not? Because kids all like snow don't they? I said I just really don't like it. And so he thought quietly for about a minute was looking at me and then he just went Why don't you just try it Nan Nan? You know, like you'd say to a kid trying a new food or something. Then a few weeks later, whilst driving back after seeing my eldest granddaughter in a Christmas show, I got caught in the most awful snow. People were like, stranded across the motorway and just stopped and to say I was shitting myself was not an understatement. Somehow though, through saying to myself, just try it Nan Nan, followed by a VOO breath. I got myself home four hours later, pretty fucking calmly considering how I usually react in the snow, just by doing this VOO breath and just try it Nan Nan. This shit works, I'm telling you. 

17:17

So onto grounding techniques. These work by focusing ourselves onto a specific point in order to trigger a cue of safety. Now one famous one is the 54321 technique. Now, this is based on stimulating your senses and calming your body into a safe place. Now so you say to yourself, whether that's aloud or in your head if you're in public or whatever. Five things that you can see, now it might be the colour of the walls, it might be a pattern on the carpet, it might be a bit of Christmas tinsel. Whatever five things that you can see in your immediate surroundings. Then four things that you can feel, you know, like, if it's icy and cold and it's on your face, and your nose feels cold, or you can feel the fabric of your clothes, or if you're wearing a nice sparkly top, you can feel all the little sequins. Then three things that you can hear and maybe it's a car engine, maybe it's a ticking clock or a low hum or someone else doing VOO or a  Christmas song, you know, you get the point three things that you can hear. And then two things that you can smell, bringing it back to the Christmas thing, maybe a nice Christmas candle, some cinnamon or some Christmas pud. And then finally, one thing you can taste now, that might mean carrying something with you like some mints or something. But one thing that you can taste. Now that 54321 see, feel, hear, smell, taste. It's great for calming ourselves because it draws attention, one by one to each of our senses. And so that eliminates the feelings of threat and activates safety. 

19:13

Another great grounding technique to signal safety is to develop what is essentially called an anchor. Now, this probably involves a bit of prep to set the anchor but I do this a lot. Once you've set it, it's easy to just pick up anywhere. So when you are in a calm state, close your eyes and visualise somewhere that feels super amazing and super peaceful and calm to you. It might be imagining yourself on a warm sandy beach with the water lapping on your feet and the sun beating down on you. Or it might be in a spa getting a lovely massage or facial with the smells of expensive oils, something that you know, makes you feel so good and calm and at peace. And then whilst you're closing your eyes, visualising this, press one of your fingers with your thumb. Now I tend to do my ring finger and thumb on my right hand, I imagine my calm, peaceful scene, and then press the finger and thumb firmly together. It's like it locks it in. And then when you find yourself in a stressful situation that triggers your body into that trauma response, you, you literally press the same finger and thumb together to trigger the body into feeling that same sense of calm and pace. Remember, your brain can't tell the difference between real and imagined. Yeah, and that's why it takes you there because you've locked that visual into your body as your safe place. And the pressing your fingers together is your anchor to anchor you back there. So imagine like a ship in stormy waters, you're throwing the anchor down to stabilise it. This is like your very own weightless anchor that you could always have with you to throw down and calm the storm. 

21:35

Now obviously meditation is also in itself a grounding technique, though a little harder to do on the run. And in the midst of a triggering stress response in the middle of bloody Christmas. It's a lot but even taking two minutes in the loo to focus on the breathing techniques I've covered is in itself meditation, it's bringing you back to the present and finding those cues of safety to calm the nervous system. 

22:06

Also good for Vagus Nerve Stimulation actually is cold water, freezing cold water now, that might be drinking a glass of ice cold water or splashing your face with cold water. It all helps. No, I'm still not gonna go for the ice bath. It's a step too far for me. But if you want to you do you boo haha. I talked before I think in the Depression Episode too about moving your body dancing exercise. This is also massive for toning the vagus nerve. As is and back to our lovely zebra shaking, you know, I'm always going to try to make you do the shake thing. 

22:45

Seriously, you know, I do know it's really really hard when you're feeling so anxious and so triggered in the festive season. And whilst you might just want to say I don't give a festive fuck. Any, or all of these techniques I've talked about today will truly help in restoring calm and peace and getting your body out of fight flight or freeze and back to safety, I promise you its that vagus nerve toning, let's practice it. Let's get it ready so that when we're triggered, we know exactly what we'd need to do to calm ourselves back. So I really do hope some of this can work for you when it all feels too much. And I also hope as I said last week that you've got all your plans in order. And I guess between last week and this week, my hope for you is to get you through the Christmas period in whichever way you can and, you know, maybe even enjoy it. So that's it for me this week. Thank you as always for listening and for coming back. And it would be the most amazing present for me at Christmas or otherwise, if you could take a minute to share like or review the podcast it honestly means the world to me. And definitely if you're listening on Apple because Apple have done some fucking weird shit to the algorithms mate. I'm nowhere, I can't even be seen. So anything you can do to help that would mean the world to me. So thank you. Thank you again for listening. And most importantly, however, you are choosing to create your new Christmas. I wish you so much peace and calm and I'm sending you so much love from me.

24:52

I hope it's a good one.


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Sarah Elizabeth

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