The Divorce Chapter

EP56 The Mind Game of Divorce: Overcoming the Blocks that Keep us Stuck

• Sarah Elizabeth • Episode 56

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Have you ever felt like you’re stuck in a loop after your divorce? Replaying the past over and over again? Wondering why it’s so hard to let go and move forward?

In this episode, I get real about the emotional and psychological blocks we face post-divorce—fear of loneliness, guilt, shame, and that never-ending “what if” thinking.

I’ve been there, too. I know how hard it can be to stop reliving the past and start embracing the future. That’s why I’m diving deep into why these blocks happen and, more importantly, how to kick them to the curb so you can truly move on.

Here’s what you can expect from this episode:

- The fear of being alone and why it keeps us clinging to the past

- How guilt and shame show up and block our growth

- The “what if” trap and why it makes moving on feel impossible

- Practical tools like cord cutting and mindset shifts to help you reclaim your life

I’d love to hear your thoughts after you listen! Do let me know which block resonates with you the most, and what you’re doing to overcome it. We’re all in this together, and I’m here to support you every step of the way.

I hope you take something away from the episode, and please, if you do enjoy it, please please please help a gal out and rate and review the episode! Thank you 🥰

And if you’re wanting to go even more into clearing what holds us back, why not check out October’s book in the Divorce Book Club: How to Feel Better: 4 Steps to Self-Coach your way to a Happier, more Authentic Life, by Ruth Kudzi.

You can check out the book here: 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1801292582/ref=nosim?tag=thedivorceb00-21

Ruth is an amazing Coach who I’ve met and she just has SO Much knowledge ❤️

The book blurb states:

When we feel broken we look to be fixed, we consume books, have therapy, diet, whatever it takes! BUT true self development is not about being 'fixed' it's about accepting the parts of yourself and then enhancing who we already are.

Focusing on evidence-based approaches, Ruth will teach you how to not just read about, but truly integrate personal development work. She'll take you through 4 key questions that encourage both self-reflection and include action-oriented tasks that will help you create sustainable results.

1. What do you want?

2. Where are you now?

3. How do you get to where you want to be?

4. How do you stay there?

I’d love to see you over there 📚

We start on 1 October.

Link to join below ⬇️

Do let me know if you want any more details about the book club - or indeed about anything divorce/break-up related.

Until next week then you absolute QUEEN 👑 sending you loads of love,

Sarah x

🌸

THE DIVORCE BOOK CLUB
 
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FREE Guide to the 10 MUST read divorce books after divorce

https://thedivorcebookclub.com/free-resources/

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Hello and welcome to this week's episode of the divorce chapter podcast, the show where we turn the ultimate plot twist, aka divorce, into the best character development arc of your goddamn life. Grab some popcorn, because this isn't your typical rom-com. It's the glow up of the friggin century. I'm your host, Sarah Elizabeth, and I'm here to make sure that the show indeed does go on. Now. Have you ever felt like you're stuck in a loop after your divorce, replaying the past over and over again, wondering why it's so hard to let go and move forward? Because we had the story mapped out right. We thought we knew what the ending was going to be, all sorted. And then instead, we got the rest of the pages ripped out, leaving us with a whole new fucking story to work out, and because that can feel super hard and massively overwhelming, what we can end up doing is rereading the past chapters over and over and over and over again. Now whether you're the one who initiated the divorce, or it was unexpected, or you may have been like me and your ex did something, so unexpected, there was no choice but to divorce him. There are just so many emotional, psychological blocks that hold us back. It's like fucking writers block over here. So today we are going to take a bit of a closer look at these blocks, what they are, why they keep us stuck, and most importantly, what we can do to start moving forward. So let's get started. First up, let's take a bit of a deeper dive into the whole concept of emotional and psychological blocks. They're like barriers we put up, very often completely unconsciously, that stop us from fully moving on after divorce. We don't mean to do it, we don't want to do it, but we find ourselves almost self sabotaging our own future.  Now, often a big block might be the fear of loneliness and the fear of being on our own. So many people stay almost tethered to the ex because we're terrified of being alone, and that fear can keep us really clinging on, even when we know we absolutely know that this is not good for us. And maybe you're like I was. I'd met my ex at 17 and split up at 40. I'd gone straight from living with my parents to living with him and having kids. I had no idea how to be on my own. I genuinely didn't know where to start. So I get it, I really do, but also know that this is what is blocking you moving forward, this holding on to the past because, well, we're scared, right? Fear of loneliness is so common and a hugely powerful emotion, especially after divorce, because it generally stems from the idea that being alone means being unlovable or incomplete, which is, by the way complete and utter bullshit. You are whole and complete, just as you are. And I bet you can name me at least one person in your life who loves you, a child, a parent, a friend, there is someone who goddamn loves you, guaranteed, and it's important to always remember too, that alone does not mean being lonely. It takes time, yes, and connection is a basic human need also, yes, but it's about reframing what that actually looks like for you to get over this block or another block might be guilt and shame.  Divorce can really stir up this shit, especially when there are kids involved, or if the breakup was particularly traumatic and messy, which for us, means we can end up not being able to move on, because we somehow feel that we failed, that we should have somehow done something differently. Let's remove the word should from our vocabulary, by the way. Maybe you were brought up to see divorce as the ultimate No, no. Maybe you're the first divorcee in your family, and this shit brings up all sorts for us or another block that keeps us from writing our next chapter is because, in a very weird way, the pain has somehow become comfortable familiar. It sounds a bit cray, cray, but it's almost like a coping mechanism, because the brain finds comfort in what's predictable, even if that predictability is actually really bloody painful, letting go of that pain can feel like, letting go of control. And all of these blocks, in some way centre around fear, fear of being alone, fear of what others might think, fear of the unknown, and it may be because of the whole What if syndrome.  What if I'd done that differently? What if I done more of that? What if I'd been more for him? What if I'd been less for him? What if I'd been sexier? What if I'd been less sexy. What if I talked to him more? What if I talked to him less? What if I tried harder? What if I hadn't tried so hard? What if we'd gone to therapy? What if I hadn't said that one thing during that fight, and the common denominator in all of this is looking backwards, asking, What if, and this what if kind of thinking creates endless possibilities in your mind about how the relationship could have turned out, which keeps us stuck in the past, stuck in the relationship, and also leads to regret and self doubt. So why do we do it to ourselves? I mean, the what if mindset gives us an illusion of control over what is essentially a completely uncontrollable past experience in reality, no amount of hypothetical what ifs can change what happened. But our brains cling to them, because it feels like a way to get some sort of power over a really fucked up situation. And we can also engage in the what if thinking because we can fear, is that fear again, we can fear regretting our choices or feel like we've made the wrong decisions. It's a way of, kind of grappling with uncertainty, but it doesn't actually give us any proper answers, it just gives us more doubts. And also, divorce is an ending, right for many of us, it's super hard to accept that the relationship is actually truly over. So engaging in what if scenarios is like a form of denial. It allows us to hold on to the idea that reconciliation is somehow possible, or holding on to the idea that the story didn't have to end the way it did, and this what if complex really links in with rumination as well. And both of these are significant psychological challenges we face after a divorce, and they often go hand in hand, because rumination is like the mental replay loop. It's the habit of continually thinking about the past with playing events, conversations, mistakes, over and over and over in your mind and after a divorce, this can be especially intense as we replay key moments of our relationship, trying to understand what went wrong, we're searching for answers, and the mind is trying to find closure by picking apart the past In an effort to make sense of what's happened, and rumination can also stem from like an unconscious desire to fix the past, even though it's impossible, the mind gets stuck in this loop of trying to rewrite history, which ultimately keeps us stuck in the same emotional state, but if we can fix the past, then we won't have to fear the future, right? It's all about the fear again, though, also, a lot of us who ruminate tend to be perfectionists. We somehow believe that if only we've made the right choices or behave differently, if we'd done things properly, the outcome would have changed, which ends up with us blaming ourselves as well, which is just bloody exhausting. So whether it's this mind rumination or asking ourselves, what if all the time, or whether it's scrolling through old pictures or rereading text messages, driving by places that were meaningful during the marriage, we just keep relieving the past, and it's like emotional time travel that keeps the past alive, but in doing so, we're not allowing space for new beginnings, and that energy spent imagining different realities that can't possibly change could instead be used for self growth moving forward, but it's trapped in fantasies about a past that no longer exists, and honestly, all of these blocks are super common. All of the fear is what we all go through. You are not alone in this, I promise you. But what I'd really love to do is help you kick these mind blocks out of the fucking way kick em to the curb, because when we focus so much on the past, we're not able to live in the present. It's almost like an emotional paralysis which stops us moving forward. How the hell are we going to start a new chapter of this story if we just keep rereading the last one?  The first step to moving on is to accept the reality of what's happened. And I know it sounds super fucking harsh, and you may well be shouting fuck off at me right now. It doesn't mean you have to like it. It doesn't but hard as it is, as gut wrenching as it is, you do my love. Need to come to terms with the fact that the marriage is over. Acknowledge what is here, right here, right now, that chapter's written. There's no erasing it, but it has ended, and we have to stop rereading it for our own goddamn sanity. So what can we do to start unblocking these blocks? Well, we do need to at least try to make some peace with the unknown and try instead of fearing the future, try to shift our perspective the unknown is not inherently bad. It's actually full of potential and possibility if you open the door to it, reframing our thoughts about uncertainty can really help to lessen that fear, focusing on opportunities that lie ahead, thinking of solitude as actually a chance for good things to come, as opposed to some kind of punishment. There's this saying that nature abhors a vacuum. It's apparently related to physics, and that space must be filled with energy or something. But we're seeing it as a bad void, we could instead look to fill it with new, good things, shiny things. Now's the chance to rediscover yourself. You know, take the time to ask yourself questions like, Who am I outside of this relationship? What do I want my life to look like, moving forward, working out an identity that's independent of your past relationship, is what it's about. You have to start small, always step by step, but get some manageable goals that excite you. It might be traveling somewhere new. It might be starting a passion project, building that sense of adventure into our lives can help us look forward and get excited instead of looking back. The more we embrace new opportunities, the less we feel anchored to that old life. And fear of loneliness often stems from insecurity to do practice a bit of self compassion and self worth. Go back and check out episode 45 for that one, it truly does help and remember, you get to choose to thrive independently. You don't have to accept just surviving. You get to choose and you get to thrive. It's all about shifting our mindset from one of fear to one of empowerment.  That what if complex we talked about, right? That can keep us stuck. We can turn those exact same two words into something so powerful and life changing instead. What if I could be happy? What if I can make it on my own? What if I can actually finally be. The person I always knew I could be. What if there's more for me? What if I can have more, be more, do more. What if so much excitement is out there waiting for me if I want it? What if, in that context, sounds a hell of a lot more appealing than the sad, humble wife. Now, it's exactly the same words. It's all about the reframe, same words, completely different outcomes. And while we're at it with the reframe, let's use it as well to let go of any guilt or self blame that's hanging on in there. Yes, it's important to reflect on the relationship to help us learn and understand. Yes, but that's a different kind of reflection altogether, to looking back at what you somehow did or didn't do. Relationships are complex. We only have control over ourselves. What your ex may have done or not done, thought or not thought is that of your control. You've only got control of you. So what's the purpose of holding on to that shit that he maybe did that's on him, not on you? He's an adult with control over himself. You couldn't have made him do fucking anything. So blaming yourself is just not worth the energy and if there's a fear of what others think of shame, let's reframe that and all while we're at it, your life is your own. Are they living it? No, they only know what they think they know, which is usually only half a story, and more often than not, any judgment from others is more likely their fear because your breakup is holding a mirror up to them and their relationships. Let them judge you, let them gossip, let them misunderstand, let them get it wrong. Let them lose you. If need to be, let them just let them instead of stigmatizing divorce, we can choose again our choice. We can choose to see it as a personal decision that was made to give us a healthier, more fulfilling future. Instead of seeing divorce as a failure, we can view it as a bloody courageous choice to put ourselves and our happiness as our priority. Even if it wasn't your choice of divorce, it can be your choice now to prioritize you and your well being, which is something to be super fucking proud of we can't control other people's judgments. Unfortunately, wish we could, but we can't. So focus instead on your own values and self worth, not the opinions of people who haven't got a fucking clue about your marriage and your experiences. We don't owe anyone an explanation for our choices. We don't. Get yourself a sassy support squad who have your back and who can uplift you and reinforce your confidence. Get it back and again. Practicing self compassion is so key, reminding ourselves that everyone faces challenges, and we deserve the same empathy and the same love and the same care we would give to our friend in exactly the same situation, because ultimately, overcoming that fear of judgment means building a sense of inner peace, trusting yourself, trusting your decisions, and accepting that our happiness is way more important than living up to societal expectations or other people's bullshit, or another way to let go the past and of other people's shit is something called cord cutting.  Now cord cutting is basically a symbolic and energetic practice that can help us release emotional ties. So when relationships end, we kind of stay energetically connected to that person, whether that's through emotional attachments, or whether it's through memories of your both together, or whether it's through unresolved feelings, those lingering connections or these cords, although not visible as such, they energetically keep us tied, even if we really don't want to be, and the process of cord cutting involves acknowledging these attachments and intentionally freeing them, releasing them, let them go. It doesn't mean forgetting the person or denying the impact they had on your life, it's about freeing yourself from any negative or limiting energy that still ties you to the past. The goal is to release that emotional entanglement in the mind and a typical like cord cutting ritual, it might be meditation or visualisation or something like that, where you imagine in your mind's eye a physical chord connecting you to the person. You just imagine that physical cord, and then you mentally or symbolically cut that cord. You might see it cutting the cord, using scissors or a knife, to cut the cord love not to stab him with, or you might simply see the cord dissolve, vanish, gone. Cord cutting is not about holding grudges or avoiding closure its about reclaiming ourselves, reclaiming our emotional independence, then it helps us to create some space as well, energetically to move forward. Or another way to do this is some kind of symbolic gesture to signify a closure. That word closure, it's a bit like the word journey. What does it actually mean? You  know, closure in the sense of freeing those emotional ties that keep us stuck. So it could be something like writing down the memories or the feelings about the relationship, or the ex getting it all out and then burning the paper to symbolise release. It's gone. It's free, gone. Or it can be done in the same way as a letter to your ex. Do not send it, but expressing all the shizzle and then again, burning it or shredding it, whatever feels right to you. What rituals like these do is help the brain release the thoughts, because ultimately, this is all about our thoughts, but remembering we are not our thoughts. The fact that we can observe our thoughts just goes to show that they are not actually us.  Our brain's job is to keep us safe, right? Our brains haven't evolved much from cave days where we lived in tribes, any kind of threat like being chucked out of the tribe or being chased by a lion caused the brain to send a danger, danger, danger signal through the nervous system, which triggered a shit ton of cortisol an adrenaline and a fight or flight response, which was entirely fucking necessary if one is at actual risk of death, right? Only because our brains haven't evolved much. Our emotional brain still perceives anything unusual, anything different to what we know, anything a little bit uncomfortable as an actual perceived danger, and that same physical physiological process to trigger the sympathetic nervous system and the adrenaline and the cortisol happens exactly the same, exact the same shit goes down only this is only a perceived threat to us, not a Real Life Lion chasing us. But the emotional part of our brain can't tell the difference because of our physiological reaction and when this system is triggered in our bodies, the conscious brain temporarily shuts down. All the emotional brain wants to do needs to do, for its job is to get rid of the threat and get us out of the danger, danger, danger. So although, when we're not in this state, we might logically know, oh, this shits bad is not good for me. I'm done. When that emotional brain kicks in, we're screwed. We're not screwed. We just need to take some control of our emotional brain and our thoughts, right? Because the end of the relationship does mean huge change. Even if the relationship was toxic or abusive, it was what we knew. It was air quotes, normal and that, in some weird way, feels psychologically safer than all the fear we find ourselves in Suddenly Single that is safer. The known, even if shit the known is safer to our brain than the unknown, and that's why we end up holding back. But this stuff is all a physiological reaction to our primitive brains. It's what is supposed to happen, right? So it's really no surprise when we do find ourselves with all these blocks, all these fears, unable to let go. But what our job is now is to retrain our brain to a new normal, let our brain know it's safe, that we're okay, we're okay.  And look all of this, retraining our brain, reframing our thoughts, clearing these blocks that keep us stuck. It's not easy. I know that moving on from divorce is not a straightforward process, and it's really important to be patient and take it step by step. There'll be setbacks and moments where we feel so stuck, each step we try and take, no matter how small, each step towards letting go, is a mini victory, and by recognizing and addressing these blocks that hold us back, whether it's fear, guilt, some kind of nostalgia, whatever it is, it's about clearing the way to a brighter, more fulfilling future. Time to stop looking back at what could have been and start focusing on what's ahead. Your future is yours to shape, and the possibilities are endless. Yes, it's messy, yes, it's non linear, and there'll be days when it feels like you're not making any progress at all, that's okay. What's most important is that you keep showing up for yourself, acknowledging the blocks and taking those small steps to working through them. It's not about moving on quickly. It's about moving on healthily and in your own time properly for you. So I hope that has helped a little bit if you found yourself stuck in the past and struggling to move on in that fucking thought loop that what if complex. I hope that's helped a bit just to help you start to reframe your thoughts and thinking a little bit differently. Now, if you have found this episode helpful, don't forget, please, please, please subscribe and also share it with anyone you think might benefit from hearing it. So that is all for me for this week. Oh, apart from the usual reminder that we have a new book starting in the divorce book club on the first now. That is an amazing way to clear the old blocks a ton of expert knowledge every single month with a group of us all going through the same stuff to help each other heal, learn, grow into our beautiful next level selves. What are you waiting for? And if you want all the update stuff as well, don't forget to follow me on the old gram as well at the divorce chapter. So that's it for me. I will be back in your beautiful earbuds again next week. So until then, take good care of you. Sending you so much love from me. 




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Sarah Elizabeth

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