The Divorce Chapter

EP59 Divorce & Your Career: How to Survive the Workplace After Heartbreak

• Sarah Elizabeth • Episode 59

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In honour of World Mental Health Day on 10 October 2024 and the theme of:

 “It is time to prioritise mental health in the workplace”

In this week’s episode, we’re looking at a topic that doesn’t get nearly enough attention: how divorce can impact your work and career.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re expected to just "keep going" at work while dealing with the emotional shitshow of a breakup, you’re not alone.

In this episode, I talk about:

👩‍💼Why divorce grief should NOT be so absent from compassionate leave policies

👩‍💼How to manage your mental health during and after divorce while still holding down a job

👩‍💼The long-term effects divorce can have on your career—and how to overcome them

👩‍💼How divorce can actually be a catalyst for career reinvention too

We all know that divorce is tough enough on its own without the added pressure of having to show up and perform at work as if everything is fine. 

I share my personal experience and some practical tips on how to cope with the emotional fallout of divorce, especially when you’re expected to “push through” at work. 

If you’ve ever wondered how to set boundaries, ask for support, or use this life-changing event as an opportunity for professional growth, this episode is for you!

I’d love to hear what you think….. If you find the episode helpful, it would mean the world to me if you left a review or shared it with someone who might need it. 💖

Take care of yourself, and remember—your mental health comes first.

And whilst we’re all about becoming even more badass…. We’ve started October’s book over in the Divorce Book Club.

How to Feel Better: 4 Steps to Self-Coach your way to a Happier, more Authentic Life, by Ruth Kudzi.

You can check out the book here: 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1801292582/ref=nosim?tag=thedivorceb00-21

Ruth is an amazing Coach who I’ve met and she just has SO Much knowledge ❤️

I’d love to have you join us 📚

We started on 1 October but it’s NEVER too late to join as the whole back catalogue is available for all members 📚

Link to join below ⬇️

Do let me know if you want any more details about the book club - or indeed about anything divorce/break-up related.

Until next week then you absolute QUEEN 👑  sending you loads of love,

Sarah x

🌸

THE DIVORCE BOOK CLUB
 
https://patreon.com/thedivorcebookclub

FREE Guide to the 10 MUST read divorce books after divorce

https://thedivorcebookclub.com/free-resources/

INSTAGRAM

https://www.instagram.com/thedivorcechapter

Sarah Elizabeth  00:00

Hello and welcome to the divorce chapter podcast, where we talk all things turning the divorce shit show into something amazing. However, the journey to amazing can at times, be a little bit of a fucking challenge, and one of those challenges can be, how the hell we get through a divorce whilst holding down a freaking job and career? And the reason I wanted to focus on this for this week's episode is that yesterday, at least it will have been yesterday, on the day the episode drops. On Thursday, 10th of October 2024 it was World Mental Health Day, and the theme for this year's World Mental Health Day has been it is time to prioritise mental health in the workplace. I'll say it a bit louder for those at the back, it is time to prioritise mental health in the workplace, so I thought it'd be a good opportunity to talk about how divorce can deeply affect our mental health, particularly in the fucking workplace, because divorce is not just a personal issue, stay at home. It goes with you to work, whether you're aware of it or not, and it's got real professional consequences for many of us. I feel like these are generally, don't want to say for everybody, but generally overlooked by employers, by policies, and even ourselves, to be honest. So I want to talk about this kind of emotional weight of divorce that we take with us into work, and the lack of compassion or compassionate leave, particularly from employers, but also how divorce can impact our career paths for the bad, though, also sometimes for good as it can even lead to a complete change of career, even venturing into entrepreneurship, so that, that end of it is really shit show to CEO or She-E-O, shitshow to She-E-O try and say that quickly. Anyhow, career goals that one. 


Sarah Elizabeth  02:26

But let's start with the immediate emotional toll that divorce can have on someone's mental health, the immediate aftermath, if you like, because for many of us, the grief from a divorce doesn't fit neatly into the kinds of life events that workplaces typically acknowledge, like death or illness, despite being similarly devastating and life changing, divorce is not only the end of a marriage, it's The end of a shared vision of the future. Suddenly, everything from your daily routines to your long term goals, everything's in question. You might have to move house, you might be thrown into debt. You don't know whether you're coming or going, let alone the kids. You might have experienced trauma with it as well, like infidelity or abuse. And yet, when it comes to the workplace, most employers just don't recognise the enormity of this shit. Unlike bereavement, where there's this societal understanding that you've lost a loved one, divorce entails mourning someone who's still goddamn alive but is no longer a part of your life and a part of your future in the same way, and that kind of grief can be really confusing and isolating, especially when workplaces just don't provide the same space for recovery as they do for Other forms of loss. Employees are typically not granted compassionate leave for divorce, not in the way they are for other life altering events like bereavement. Look, I get it. There's businesses to run, money to make in most cases, but at the expense of people? Really? We're just expected to turn up, concentrate, focus, be productive, perform whilst our entire goddamn world has just fallen apart. I can't have been the only one to have to pretend to be okay. It's okay. I'm fine, whilst simultaneously wondering how the fucking hell I'm supposed to breathe. You know, I mean, my experience was a bit weird, as my ex and I separated at twixtmas, the bit between Christmas and the New Year, so I was off anyway. Then in the new year, when I was due to go back, I called in sick. I was still at the zombie point where my son had to literally carry me to the doctors to get Prozac. After a bit, my boss called me and. I was in a very lucky position in this because I was friends with her as well. So, yeah, she remains one of my besties to this day. And she talked through how, you know, how can she help me get back? And we landed on that she'd send me to court to support another social worker. Now, at this point, I was a senior social worker, and the person that she sent me to support was exactly the same level, so entirely unnecessary, but she kind of reasoned that it would be a way to break me back into going back to work without having to go into the office and everyone asking if it had a nice, bloody Christmas. And you know what it did help. It did because it gave me a bit of something else to focus on. Though, there were some days I really should not have been there. Some days I just sat in the office doing absolutely fuck all, apart from staring into space. Other days I bawled my eyes out. Between visits, between meetings, like there were 100% days where I shouldn't have been there, but I had so much support, it helped, plus I was a little way in at this point. It wasn't that immediate separation point, but it was still so fucking hard to have to put the mask on constantly, and we find ourselves feeling anxious, sad, overwhelmed, yet still forced to push on at work. And the emotional burdens often, like I say, masked behind this forced professionalism, which can make the healing process even freaking harder. And like I said, during the early stages of divorce, you're managing not only your emotions, but logistical nightmares, legal paperwork, custody arrangements, financial shit, all of this happens whilst you're expected to perform your job, sometimes in really demanding environments, and the Mental load of that is overwhelming, and that leads to burnout, decreased productivity, and mistakes that can damage your professional reputation. But unlike bereavement or even the birth of the child, divorce is not generally viewed as a valid reason for extended leave in most workplaces, most of us have to return to work almost immediately after separating, even though we're nowhere near in the mental space to do so, and workplace policies around compassionate leave are generally so fucking rigid and fail to recognise the emotional complexity of a divorce. You know, imagine a scenario where someone returns to work straight after a separation, then struggles with their performance. They're probably going to face a shit ton of criticism, scrutiny, probably a goddamn performance plan, if there's hardly any empathy from the employer either, it'd just make it horrendous like that would make mental health so much worse and just become a trap, right? So if we really want to prioritise mental health in the workplace, as is the tagline for the World Mental Health Day this year, in my view, on my soapbox again, we need to push for workplaces to recognise divorce as a legitimate reason for compassionate leave, get them to understand that mental health recovery from divorce is just as important as any other form of Grief Recovery. 


Sarah Elizabeth  08:34

But that's just the immediate shitshow. Divorce doesn't just impact us in the short term. No no, no, no, no, no. Its effects can ripple through our careers the years, pressures of single parenting, financial instability, even just the emotional drain of having to rebuild a life, can shift your career in ways that are completely unexpected and not planned for. And after divorce, a lot of us divorcees, especially single parents, find ourselves unable to dedicate the same amount of time and energy and focus to our careers as we once might have done. It might be due to new childcare responsibilities, or it might be financial stress of just plain old, freaking burnout. Divorce has long lasting effects on our mental clarity, which makes it hard to focus, hard to take risks, hard to push forward with career goals, and also, research shows that women in particular, often face greater career setbacks post divorce, this is likely partly, at least, due to societal expectations around motherhood and primary caregiving and all that. But in contrast, men are more likely to experience career benefits from divorce, probably because they can focus more on work because they. Got more time and space without the daily family commitments they once did have. Plus, in the long term, we've got financial pressures as well. Like for me, I'd gone from a fairly affluent lifestyle, albeit that that was based on a web of lies and deceit by my ex, I didn't know that we actually had fuck all, but all of a sudden, I now to find rent money be 100% responsible for all the bills life everything you go from sharing the load to being all on our heads, and if you've been financially fucked over like I was, it just feels like yet another freaking dark storm cloud hanging over our heads. And it's generally the case that divorce does lead to pretty significant financial changes, like splitting assets, potential legal fees, and in most cases, a lot of cases are lower standards of living. And these financial pressures can lead us into taking on jobs we ordinarily wouldn't choose even second jobs, third jobs, or else staying in jobs we hate out of necessity. And if you've ever been in a job you hate, you will know the fucking damage that does to your mental health. But we have to out of necessity. Another long term impact on our careers after divorce can come from a work life balance with parenting, or maybe co parenting. Juggling work and single parenting can be incredibly difficult. Co parenting also requires flexibility, a lot of flexibility, which many workplaces are just not structured to accommodate, trying to balance work meetings with handing over the kids or being unable to work overtime because the parenting duties can also end up in resentment from colleagues as well as bosses. You know, think about a single mama who has to leave work early to pick up her kids from school or to handle an emergency with her ex in unsupportive workplaces, those type of actions can be seen as some kind of lack of commitment, despite the fact she's juggling with real, urgent life stuff. It's a constant fucking juggle. So it's just really to say that this shit is not only in the immediate aftermath. Not to scare you, the effects of divorce on your career can linger for years. But I feel like employers being able to acknowledge the challenges of single parenting, a financial strain, work life balance after divorce, that part is the essential part if we are going to be genuinely able to meaningfully foster a more supportive work environment that prioritises mental health in the workplace. I mean, a lot of the impacts probably could be helped with supportive managers. But equally, there's a lot of managers out there that seem to be jumped up egos, that are more concerned about their own careers over the people they manage, just saying their priorities ain't where they should be, so they're not going to prioritise our mental health in the workplace. But look, look, all of that does sound bloody shit. I know, I know, but, but equally, divorce can actually be a bit of a catalyst for reinvention as well. 


Sarah Elizabeth  12:16

There's a lot of people who use the ending of a marriage as an opportunity to reassess their priorities and pursue new career opportunities, which I'm here for. I'm here for. To be honest, I probably wouldn't have escalated in my career had I not been in my divorce. I'd have just stayed at the same level. I was quite happy there. So you know, it does give you other opportunities, and that might be because divorce can act as a sort of wake up call, like, you know, it gets a lot of us to reflect on the things in our lives that are actually no longer serving us. And for some, that may include the job, a lot of people find the courage to leave a stagnant or unfulfilling career and pursue something that they're really passionate about after divorce, finding what matters and all that it can inspire us to take risks in our professional lives that we would have considered in many years before the breakup. And that's because after going through something as life changing, as a divorce, we get a whole new perspective on what actually truly matters, and that shift in values can kind of guide us in career changes that align much more closely with personal fulfillment, rather than societal expectations of success that we might previously have aspired towards. So if you're considering a career change post divorce, take the time think about what you want your life to look like moving forward, divorce really can give you the chance to redefine yourself, both personally and professionally. You. Which is wild, but so good, it can be a good outcome too. Research your options. Think about what your interests are. Definitely do not be afraid to step into a completely new field, if that's what feels right. Can even completely bloody retrain if you want. 


Sarah Elizabeth  15:19

But you know, one of the most profound shifts that happens after divorce for our careers and working lives is in how we define success. Because divorce really does give us an opportunity to step back and, I guess, re examine the metrics by which we measure our lives, personally and professionally, because I think so many of us have been conditioned to view success in really narrow terms, often by traditional milestones, like Marriage, a stable career, financial security, then we retire, go on a cruise and die. Joyful. But divorce forces you to question these definitions, especially if your marriage was central to how you saw your future, right? We can find that after divorce we can become way less concerned with societal expectations and way more focused on actually what brings us genuine happiness and fulfillment. And that might mean pursuing a career that's less about prestige and more about passion. Or it could involve finding a different work life balance that allows for more personal time you do you boo, but after divorce, you've got the opportunity to redefine what success looks like on your terms, and that might mean setting different goals, like achieving financial independence, or it might be focusing on personal growth and finding joy in small daily victories, you know, and. Success is no longer just about external achievements. It becomes about creating a life that feels meaningful to you, which I bloody love that idea. It's a chance to let go of those outdated ideas and build a life that truly reflects you, your values, your passions, your love, your life. 


Sarah Elizabeth  15:19

And if you do fancy a career change and also no longer fancy being limited by someone else's rules, then there's also the option of using divorce to become the fuel the fire that you need to venture into entrepreneurship. In fact, many successful businesses were born out of the ashes of personal hardship, you know, channeling pain into purpose and all that. I mean, if you'd asked me at 35 after only just training as a social worker, that by 52 I'd be starting a divorce business as a side hustle and hosting a divorce podcast, I'd have been, Oh, shut up, fuck off, that's that would have been my response. And age isn't a factor either. I think my official retirement age is 67 at the minute, so I've got another 15 bloody years. It's actually potentially a fair chunk of my working life. And that's even if I stop at 67 I've said before that Ray whatever his name was, that bought McDonald's, he was 52 and the Colonel Sanders, or whatever he's bloody called he started KFC at 62 age is not a barrier my love. So if you want to mix it up and use divorce as a catalyst to become a badass Boss, do it honestly, the emotions that come out of a divorce, anger, sadness, frustration, actually can often serve as quite a powerful motivator. Gives you the fire to get done. You may find that starting a business allows you to pour that energy into building something new. Now that's empowering, right? Think of someone like Vera Wang. She was divorced and later become one of the most successful fashion designers in the whole goddamn world. Now her personal experiences with relationships may even have inspired her career in wedding design, turning, you know that painful chapter of her life into a thriving business. Who knows? I don't, don't know her, but you know, like divorce, can often lead to this rethinking of life, choices and priorities. And entrepreneurship may well offer some flexibility and control after the constraints of marriage in our way, plus, starting a business can also allow far greater autonomy in work life balance, which is particularly important for single parents. So if you are considering taking the jump into entrepreneurship after divorce, ever think about what skills you've already got and how you might be able to apply them to a new venture? Doesn't have to be something huge. It's not small. Can give you the confidence actually, to take the steps to grow your business over time. Reach out to mentors, take advantage of local business resources. Make a plan to manage your time effectively as you build your new career. I can recommend a few people to follow in this area as well, if you do want this and want to message me, Oh, I love it badass boss vibes. 


Sarah Elizabeth  20:21

But let's bring it back to the here and now and this tagline of prioritising mental health in the workplace, because I really do want to try and leave you with at least a couple of practical tips on how to manage your mental health in the workplace right now, during a divorce, in the aftermath, in the show bit. So first up, set some boundaries around what you can and can't do. Now, it really should be okay to let your employer know you need some time off, or at least some reasonable adjustments to your workload. Setting healthy boundaries like that can prevent burnout. So if you need flexible working hours or additional leave for a bit HR, can sometimes help with accommodating this shit. It's always worth having a conversation. What's the worst that can happen? They say, No, you know, and please tell don't try and go through this alone. If you need to look at therapy or counseling, they really can provide the strategies that you need to get through, the essential coping strategies help you through the grief and a lot of companies that offer like employee assistance programs, EAPs, that connect you to counseling or other support services. So don't hesitate to use these resources, if they're available, use them. That's what they're there for. And look for workplace programmes too that may offer additional mental health resources. Like my day job, for example, gives us access to the headspace app, which is bloody brilliant. There's a real focus in my workplace and mental health, I have to say, and it makes such a difference. But I know not everyone gets that. I know, I know I get it, but also whatever the state of your HR department, even if it is just giving yourself permission to not be at your best during this period, give yourself the compassion, allow yourself time to heal and understand that it's okay to not have everything figured out right away, because caring for your own mental health during and after divorce is pivotal to both your personal and professional recovery. So don't be afraid to seek help and set boundaries that allow you to heal if employers aren't prioritising their mental health in the workplace, we got and can so I hope that's helped a bit highlight some of the options, as well as a bit of insight, I guess, on what you might be able to get or do differently. It can be a tough journey, no doubt about it, but it can also be one that leads to new beginnings, whether that's in your career, your personal life, or your definition of success. But if I can leave you with one takeaway on this World Mental Health Day, let's try and do what we can, all of us, to create at least a bit more understanding and support in the workplace for those going through tough transitions like divorce, especially when it comes to mental health in the workplace, and in my view, most workplaces need to acknowledge the emotional toll of divorce as a legitimate reason for compassionate leave if we're going to meaningfully make It priority, maybe sometimes we gotta lead it eh? 


Sarah Elizabeth  23:40

End of rant. Soapbox going away again. Promise. Sorry, if you do get some kind of pleasure, even if it's a perverse pleasure. at me on me soapbox about shit, do please help me girl out and give the episode a review. There's new celeb podcasts popping up all the bloody time, which shoves us mere mortals, way down the list for people to find. And you know, it literally takes a few seconds, and it may well really help someone else who really needs it, to get some support and to know they're not alone. And I appreciate not everyone wants to share a divorce podcast on their socials, but if you do share it on the old Insta, then please do tag me at the divorce chapter. And that's all for me for this week aside to say that I am loving this month's book in the divorce book club how to feel better by Ruth Kudzi. We are self coaching our way through all the freaking divorce demons. And I promise you, it's never too late to catch up all the episodes and back catalogue of podcasts for each book remain available as long as you remember. It really is like exercising our empowerment muscles to smash divorce. So do come join us. And that is definitely all for me now. So take good care of you. Do prioritise your mental health, whether it's in the workplace or the home or anywhere else i. Will be back in your beautiful earbuds again next week with so much love from me. 

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Sarah Elizabeth

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