The Divorce Chapter

EP60 Tied to Toxic: How to Break the Chains of a Trauma Bond

• Sarah Elizabeth • Episode 60

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In this episode, I’m unpacking what a trauma bond is, how they form, and—most importantly—how you can break free from one. 

If you’ve ever felt trapped in a toxic relationship where you know it’s bad for you but you just can’t seem to let go, this episode is for you. Trauma bonds are emotional ties that form in abusive relationships, keeping you hooked even when you know it’s hurting you.

We’re going to talk about:

- What a trauma bond actually is (think emotional addiction).

- How they develop through a cycle of abuse and reconciliation.

- Why breaking free is SO hard, but also absolutely necessary.

I’ll walk you through seven steps to start untangling yourself from a trauma bond, from creating physical and emotional distance, to rebuilding your self-worth, and even rewiring your brain to break the addictive cycle. We’ll also touch on how to grieve the loss of the relationship, and why sometimes we need professional help to get through it.

If you’ve been struggling to let go of a toxic ex, this is your episode. I promise, you’re not alone, and with the right tools and mindset, you can move on and reclaim your life.

I’d love to hear what you think….. If you find the episode helpful, it would mean the world to me if you left a review or shared it with someone who might need it. 💖

Until next week please take care of you, and sending you loads of love,

Sarah x

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Sarah Elizabeth  00:00

Hello and welcome back to the divorce chapter podcast. And I want to start with a super quick apology. For some random reason in last week's episode, I said the World Mental Health Day was 10th of May 2024 instead of 10th of october 2024 why? I do not know. Is it the menopause? Is it just that I need a fucking holiday? Who knows? Who knows? But anyway, well done to the bat ears or the sharp ears amongst you who pointed it out. Thank you. So apologies. And back to this week, and I'll start again. Welcome to the divorce chapter, the podcast where we aim to put a full stop to the last chapter and actually turn the next part of the story into the best plot twist ever. Only sometimes we really bloody struggle to put that full stop in to end that last chapter, don't we, and so this week, we're going to look at just one of the reasons that might be, which is that we're caught in a trauma bond. Now a trauma bond can be something that so many people have experienced only they don't have the words for it. They don't even really know. So maybe you've been thinking, Why can't I seem to let go of this bloke who's been so fucking toxic for me. Or why do I keep getting pulled back again and again, even when I know I know the relationship isn't healthy? And these questions my loves are at the very heart of understanding trauma bonds. If you've ever struggled to emotionally leave a toxic relationship, especially after divorce, this one's for you. So we're going to cover what a trauma bond is, how they happen, and, most importantly, what the hell you can do to break one. So let's get into it. 


Sarah Elizabeth  02:03

What exactly is a trauma bond? So at its core, a trauma bond is an emotional attachment that forms in an abusive relationship. It's a connection that goes way beyond logic. It's deeply emotional, it's often irrational, and it ties you to someone who causes you fucking harm. Have you ever heard of Stockholm Syndrome? You know, like when someone's been kidnapped and they end up feeling a whole new level of affection for their captor, a trauma bond can feel a bit like that, except in this case, in relationships, we've already got the affection part nailed, but instead of being held hostage by a bank robber, you're held hostage by your own damn emotions? So think of it like this. In a trauma bond, you're not just connected to the person through the positive moments, the happier times you may be had, particularly early on in the relationship, but you're also bonded through the trauma, through the pain and through the intensity of the highs and lows. It's a bit like a drug addiction. Think about someone addicted to, I don't know, coke, a fun fact, aside from alcohol and tobacco, I've never done a drug in my life. Well, you know, illegal drugs and shit. But anyway, side note there, so I assume someone who takes Coke is looking for a high vibe. They take it, snort a bit, whatever, you know, get high, joyful. They're joyful, only then they get the low, the come down that follows, and that feels a bit shitty. So they'll take some more, and this time the high feels maybe not quite as high, but then the low goes lower. And so they take some more and more and more and more, desperately looking for that initial high, high that they had, and before you know it, they're in this cycle of addiction, chasing the highs to escape the lows, only not quite realising that it was the goddamn drug that caused the fucking lows in the first Place. The only reason the low is so low is because of the drug. And this is exactly the same in a trauma bonded relationship, the chasing the highest to escape the lows, even though both, both have been caused, created by him. So trauma bonds formed through this repeating cycle of abuse, often called the cycle of violence or the cycle of abuse, and that cycle's got phases so that, like the tension builds, something happens which could be emotional, physical or verbal abuse, that's followed by reconciliation, where the abuser may apologise, they might show remorse or act all lovey dovey, and then the calm phase before the tension starts to build again. And we've talked before about this cycle of abuse with narcs like it starts with the love bombing to hook you the high, then begins the devaluation and discard the lows and back to hoovering to suck you back into believing in the high and in a trauma bond. It's this, it's this back and forth, this roller coaster of emotions that creates an incredibly strong emotional attachment, the moments of reconciliation, however fleeting, however small, or what keeps you hooked like an addict. So in a relationship, for example, you might be constantly criticised by your partner. Maybe they've been emotionally neglectful or abusive, but every now and then, every so often they say or do something really kind, or they'll tell you how much they love you. It's that brief moment of affection that makes you stay, makes you hope things will get better. Get back to the high and after a divorce, it is that high we want back that can fuck us up. 


Sarah Elizabeth  06:23

So how do we start these trauma bonds? Well, they often develop in relationships where one partner holds a bit more power and control than the other, and that might be emotional control, financial even physical control. But what's important to understand is that these bonds typically form when the person who is being hurt experiences these occasional rewards, and that's called intermittent reinforcement. The abuser gives just enough love, affection, attention to keep us coming back for more. It's almost like a slot machine. You never quite know when you're going to get the payout, but you keep playing, because sometimes, just sometimes, you might get a little win. So in the context of a relationship, that win could be a compliment, a promise to change, even just a good day when there's no fighting that keeps you hoping and waiting. And trauma bonds also are really likely to form when you're at your most vulnerable. And clearly, obviously, divorce is one such moment of extreme vulnerability. You might be emotionally raw, grieving the end of your marriage and feeling really fucking terrified about the future, and then in that state a toxic or abusive ex may give you a slight glimmer of hope that things could go back to the way they were, and that vulnerability is like fertile ground for trauma bonding. It's like crack to a drug addict. It can also start earlier as well, especially in childhood, if you like, experienced inconsistent love or neglect or abuse. Growing up, your brain may well be wired to associate love with unpredictability, I guess so. When you encounter an adult relationship with similar dynamics, your mind, in a sense, feels at home, even though it's unhealthy, your brain feels bizarrely safe and trauma bonds are really, really hard to spot when you're in them, but there are a few signs to watch out for, like you might find yourself constantly making excuses for the other person's behaviour, even when it's hurtful or wrong. You make excuses for them, you feel like you're walking on eggshells always trying to avoid upsetting them. Might be obsessed with the idea that things will change if you just try harder, if you just do this, just do that. Just stop this. Just stop that. Experiencing those extreme emotional highs and lows what you feel like you just can't live without them, even though you know they're hurting you and craving their approval, despite knowing deep down that their validation comes at a really high and expensive cost. And a key psychological concept in this is cognitive dissonance, which we we've talked about before, it's when you hold two conflicting beliefs at the same time. So in a trauma bond, you might simultaneously believe that this person loves me and this person is hurting me. The two realities don't match up, and the stress of that conflict keeps you trapped in the relationship because accepting the truth that they're harmful might well feel way too painful or scary, so feeling the good bits is less scary, and this bond can even manifest physically, like you might notice. Feelings of anxiety or panic or even depression when they're not around, your body starts reacting as if it's addicted to them, because, in a way, it is. You're addicted to the cycle, the dopamine rush when they show you affection after a period of tension or abuse. That's the high that we're chasing. So in terms of the science bit the brain chemistry, your brain is constantly being flooded with stress hormones like cortisol during the abusive or neglectful bits, and then when they offer some sort of reconciliation and apology or affection, or, again, just the absence of conflict, you get a dopamine mush and that feel good chemical, and that creates this biochemical addiction to the relationship your brain starts to associate the toxic person with both stress and relief. It's no different than any other addiction to a substance, the higher the fleeting but you keep chasing them and trauma bonds are also really closely tied to attachment theory, like I said, if you grew up in an environment where love was inconsistent or conditional, you might develop an insecure attachment style, and those are the styles that means you might seek out relationships that replicate that emotional inconsistency, because it feels familiar, even if it's painful. And so in divorce, the loss of that attachment, no matter how toxic can feel absolutely devastating. You're not just losing a partner, you're losing the emotional highs that came with the lows, and that can be incredibly hard to let go off, but let go we must. And understanding this and a foundation as to why it happens is so important. You're not just attached to your ex, you are bonded to the emotional roller coaster, and breaking this bond means breaking free from the entire cycle. 


Sarah Elizabeth  12:02

Once you recognize this part, you can start to take the steps to untangle yourself from this toxic connection. Now the first step to breaking any trauma bond is awareness and a radical acceptance of the situation. And why does that matter, because trauma bonds are often sustained by the denial or the minimisation of the abuse or toxicity. The denial strong, and you may well feel compelled to justify your ex's behavior and minimise the pain they've caused. Because when we're trapped in these bonds, we will tell ourselves, Oh, it wasn't that bad. They didn't mean it. But unfortunately, justifications like these are also ways to avoid confronting the painful truth of the situation. So to break the bond, it's really important to acknowledge that, number one, the relationship was unhealthy. Number two, you were being manipulated or harmed. Number three, the emotional highs that you felt were not signs of love, but part of a harmful cycle. And then how to practice this radical acceptance and start taking it in and embedding it and keep reinforcing it, writing it down, journaling it out, journaling the most painful or harmful moments in the relationship. Sounds crazy. You feel like you're taking yourself back there, but actually it helps to make the reality of the situation more tangible and hit home, if you like. And you can use almost like validation statements to confront the truth, like for example, you can say to yourself, I was manipulated. I deserve Healthy Love, not one based on pain. It's almost like reaffirming to yourself the reason why the bond needs to be broken, telling your brain why and reinforcing it. And also, you know, grieve the fantasy, accept that the idea of who you wanted your acts to be may never match who they truly are, and that is really, really goddamn hard and a huge grieving process, but accepting that last is honestly a key step to moving forwards. So you've reaffirmed yourself over and over of how bad it is. You've reminded yourself you know why you must let go, even if it feels like it hurts, to do so. 


Sarah Elizabeth  14:33

And step two, then, is to create a physical and emotional distance. And that's one of the most critical aspects of breaking a trauma bond is creating that distance between you and your ex, and that involves both physical distance, as in no longer seeing them or communicating with them, but also emotional distance, as in letting go of the psychological hold they have on you. So to. Help with that kind of keeping the distance you've got the No Contact role, which is essential if you can, to give yourself the space to heal, because in most cases, continued contact with the abusive ex just serves to reinforce the bonds, which prolongs the attachment and makes it so much harder to break free. It's like expecting a drug addict to sit with a pile of coke on the coffee table in front of them, you know. So block them, mute their social media as well. That prevents the temptations to check in on them or wait for messages from them, or just stalk them in a unhealthy pain shopping kind of way, and avoid places where you might run into them as well, and if possible, stay away from the shared social environments or the shared friends, especially if they think that they're helping you out by giving you updates about your ex. And ideally, delete the ex's number as well. Remove the temptation to text or call during the moments of weakness, when you're desperate for the high because there will be some there will however, if you share children, or you work together, then no contact just may not work. It might not be feasible at all. And if that's your situation, then low contact is the goal, and that means keeping communication strictly business, so only discussing absolutely essential shit like co parenting or work matters or whatever, limit the emotional conversations and stick to neutral topics or logistics or crap That just doesn't open you up to vulnerability and try, try, try to set clear and firm boundaries. Tell them that you're focused on moving on and will not entertain conversations about the past relationship, even if you don't quite feel it yet. This is 100% one of those times to fake it until you make it right. 


Sarah Elizabeth  16:59

And step three, indulge in self care and rebuild self worth. As you'll know if you listen to the episode on breaking free from codependency, there's a big difference between self care and self worth, but they are linked, and both are much needed for boosting your willpower and getting out of the trauma bonds as well. Trauma bonds erode self esteem. So a big part of breaking the bond involves rebuilding your sense of self and reclaiming your personal power, reminding yourself that you are Goddamn badass, intentional and meaningful self care will help shift your focus from the ex to you as well, and help to nurture the parts of you that have probably been neglected during the relationship so that might be physical self care, like going for a walk or doing some yoga or treating yourself to a spa day, even just a lush bubble bath with a lovely smelling candle, because physical care helps To reinforce that you do deserve to be treated with kindness, or it might be emotional self care, like again, journaling all shit out, or meditating to regulate the nervous system from the fight, flight freeze state you will be in after a trauma bonded relationship, there's no doubt about it, you will be in. So it's about finding ways to regulate the nervous system and bringing you back into the parasympathetic calm state. Some trauma bonds leave you so focused on the relationship that you end up losing sight of you and your care your interest. So just spend time looking after you and doing things that make you feel happy and empowered, and for building the self worth part again, create some positive affirmations to repeat yourself like a mantra. Say things that reaffirm your values, such as unworthy of a relationship that nourishes me, not one that drains me. And also, don't forget to celebrate small victories, whether it's a week of no contact or a night where you've just not checked their social media, just celebrate the small steps forward, because that builds confidence, and that is self trust, and I promise you that those small steps end up With huge results. 


Sarah Elizabeth  19:19

Step four, seek professional support now, whether that's therapy, counseling, support groups, because trauma bonds can have serious consequences for our mental health and well being right. They can lead to low self esteem, to depression, anxiety, even PTSD, post traumatic stress disorder. So if you think that you might be in a trauma bond, it's really important to seek the help and support like you probably think that a drug addict going cold turkey is probably a damn sight harder than rehab, right? And it's the same concept. Breaking a trauma bond is not easy, but it's entirely possible a therapy may well be needed if the bond. And is rooted in like a deep emotional or psychological trauma, and a trauma informed therapist can really help you unpack that and all the layers of manipulation and abuse that created the bond in the first place, and work with you to understand the root causes of why you became attached to someone who harmed you and how to break those patterns. And there are a few different types of therapy you might want to think about. There's CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy, which focuses on changing negative thought patterns and behaviors that keep you tired to the trauma bond. Or there's EMDR, which is eye movement desensitization reprocessing, which is particularly reported to be effective for processing trauma and kind of reducing the emotional grip on you. And somatic therapy helps you to reconnect with your body and release the physical manifestations of trauma like tension and anxiety and shit. You know, I'm the first to want to help everyone I can, giving info and advice on the pods and signposts you and stuff. But truly, when this shit is super deep rooted in psychological trauma, therapy is needed as well. Like I said, Think of it like rehab, and there's obviously support groups as well, even in the divorce book club, as a former support group if you need it. Because I think support groups are great, because sometimes sharing your experiences with others going through similar situations can be incredibly validating, and it gives a bit of a sense of belonging, because you do think you're the only one, you think you're going through this on your own, and you're really not. I also think that hearing other people's stories can also remind you that there's a way out, because you see their progress, and it kind of inspires you, as well as validating what you're going through, and friends and family as well, obviously, they can be amazing support squads, but with the proviso that they actually understand the significance of what you're going through with breaking a trauma bond. Because I think family and friends can often fall into two camps, one who thought the ex was amazing, which right now you do not need, maybe they only saw the good bits, but you do not need him on a fucking pedestal, or they'll fall into the other camp, where they say he's a low life dickhead, which is exactly, probably true. But when you're trying to break that addiction and want the high, it's not quite simple as that, right? If it were that easy, we wouldn't need the bloody episode, right? If our logical brain knows he's a dickhead who abuses you and harms you, but addiction, well and truly overrides logic, which kind of brings us on to 


Sarah Elizabeth  22:58

Step five, which is rewiring your brain to break the chemical addiction, because breaking a trauma bond does also involve breaking the brain's addiction to the emotional highs and lows of the relationship. Your brain has become conditioned to crave the dopamine rush that came with the moments of reconciliation or affection from your ex, even if those moments were followed by abuse or neglect, it's why they feel so much like addiction. And I keep saying that, in case it's not sinking in. So how can we rewire our brains? Well, it's getting to understand the root causes and literally changing the way that you've programmed in the thoughts and feelings like shining a light on the ship, bits and reframing, it's creating new pathways in the connectors in our brains, which are known as neural pathways. So imagine a world trodden path in a field. That's the trauma bond, right? It's the known option. It's well used, it's familiar. It's kind of what you know. So although it's anything but safe, your brain knows it so well, it will automatically revert to that world trodden path. So you need to start treading a new path, which, at the start feels so tough, because you need to tread it all out and then go over and over and over and over and over the same path repeatedly to make that one the world trodden one, and allow the old path to go over. And this is what is known as neuroplasticity, which is creating these new world trodden paths in our brains and letting the old ones grow over. So some ways you can help do this. As I've said a few times, affirmations to set a new reframe in your brain, and repeating these over and over like a mantra, and that cognitive reframing in this way allows you to challenge thoughts that keep you attached to your ex. So for example, instead of thinking I miss them because they make me feel good, sometimes, reframe it as I miss the idea of love. But real love doesn't hurt, and I know it might be super hard when you're in a stress state, but also some form of gratitude practice really does shift your brain's focus from what you've lost to what you have. So you can start and end each day with, I don't know, finding three or four things that you're thankful for that are things that have sweet fuck all to do with your ex and also practicing mindfulness can really help with this, and it helps you become more aware of your emotional triggers and cravings for the toxic relationship. You know, like you can be walking down that well trodden path in a field because it's so normal, and then halfway down, you kind of go, oh shit, like I've just notice where I am, and you start and go back down the other path. And so like meditation, for example, brings that awareness. Because you're you're looking, you're looking around and going, oh shit, I'm in the middle of this path. That's not the way I'm going. It brings your awareness to it. And in doing that, it regulates the nervous system, which calms the brain's response to the stress that you're feeling, 


Sarah Elizabeth  26:22

and then step six, which is to grieve and to process the loss. Because even though a trauma bond is unhealthy and it's really fucking bad for us, breaking it still involves a grieving process. You're not only grieving the loss of the person, but also the loss of the idea of who they could have been. So it's okay to mourn the potential you saw in the relationship, even if it never materialized. Allow yourself to feel the pain. Don't try and suppress your emotions. Let them out. Grieving is such a healthy part of this process and needed. If you don't process the grief, that shit stays in your body and will make you ill, it's so important to go through it as hard as it is, I did a whole episode of grief A while back, but one way to help with this is writing a letter to your ex that you will not ever send, by the way, but doing this gets you to say all the things you never got to say, say all the things that you never could say, which is ridiculously cathartic and freeing of Some of the more shitty emotions and understanding, too, that closure doesn't come from them. It comes from you. I'll say that again for those at the back, closure comes from you, not him. You can't wait for him to give you answers or apologies, especially as any dribs and jabs you do get are likely to be bullshit anyway, part of an attempt to Hoover you back up and suck you back in, you have to create your own closure by accepting that you deserve better because you do. You really do. 


Sarah Elizabeth  28:16

And finally, Step seven, and the final stage of breaking a trauma bond is committing to this personal growth and the new healthier patterns of relating after you've distanced yourself from the toxic relationship process, the emotional Fallout, it's really important then to focus on how you'll move forward in life and future relationships as well, if that's what you Want to reflect on the experience with a mindset of taking from it, rather than a wistful wanting it back. What did the relationship teach you about yourself and your boundaries? What signs will you watch out for in the future to avoid falling into similar patterns and setting new boundaries for future relationships as well, work out what you will and what you absolutely won't tolerate in your next relationship. Be clear on your non negotiables, plus embrace the freedom and independence for bit, spending time rediscovering who you are outside of the relationship that shit is so valuable, the more grounded you become in your self worth, the less likely you'll be to form unhealthy relationships in the future. And most of all, most of all, be kind to yourself throughout all this shit. Trauma bonds are really fucking hard to break, and you might find yourself slipping back into old buttons, having the odd bag, that's okay. What matters is it you keep moving forward. Healing isn't linear. Just take your time. So just to remind you of the steps then number one, awareness and radical acceptance. Distance. Number two, create a physical and emotional distance. Number three, self care and self worth. Number four, get support, both professional support and family and friends. Number five, rewire your brain. Number six, grieve and process the loss and number seven, take the steps to grow trauma. Bonds are intense, they're confusing, they're really fucking painful, but understanding them and knowing how to break free is so important. You've got to remember just because you feel drawn to someone doesn't mean they're good for you. Your brain may well be craving the emotional roller coaster. But if I can leave you with one takeaway, if you take nothing else from this episode, please, please, please take this real love doesn't hurt. Real Love does not hurt. So as always, I do hope that's helped you a bit this week, if you have experienced a trauma bond, if you're going through one. Now, if you know someone who is or has or whatever, please do share the episode, and I'd love love love it. If you could review this episode as well so that collectively, we can raise awareness, so that people who really, really need it can find it. So yeah, thank you. Thank you. As always, that is all for me for this week, I will be back in your beautiful earbuds again next week. So until then, I am sending you so much love from Me. 

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