EP62 Limerence 101: How to Stop Obsessing and Start Healing After Divorce

Hello Queen 👑

Have you ever found yourself obsessing over someone? 

You’re not alone. 

This week on The Divorce Chapter podcast, I’m diving into a topic that many of us have experienced but may not fully understand: limerence.

Limerence is that intense, almost obsessive desire for someone, often built on fantasy rather than reality, and it can seriously mess with your emotional healing after a divorce.

In this episode, I break down:

- What limerence is and how it differs from love. Spoiler alert: it’s not love; it’s obsession

- How limerence shows up after divorce.

- Why we get stuck in these patterns.

- 9 steps to break free from limerence.

If you’re struggling to move on from an ex or find yourself idealising someone new, this episode will help you understand why—and give you the tools to start healing. 

These are the links to my references in the episode

Love and Limerence by OG Dorothy Tennov:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0812862864/ref=nosim?tag=thedivorceb00-21

Dr L/ Dr Tom Bellamy’s website and book Living with Limerence:

https://livingwithlimerence.com/what-is-limerence/

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B085RN5XGS/ref=nosim?tag=thedivorceb00-21

And whilst we’re talking empowerment through the shitshow, we’ve chosen November’s book over in the Divorce Book Club.

How to Heal a Broken Heart: From Rock Bottom to Reinvention *via ugly crying on the bathroom floor, by Rosie Green 💚

You can check out the book here: 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08GG7BC79/ref=nosim?tag=thedivorceb00-21

This is the story of Rosie's own divorce shitshow interspersed with advice, book recommendations and sprinkled throughout with humour. 

❤️

I CAN”T WAIT!

I’d love to have you join us for this one 📚

We start on 1 November 📚

Link to join below ⬇️

Do let me know if you want any more details about the book club - or indeed about anything divorce/break-up related.

Until next week then you absolute QUEEN 👑 sending you loads of love,

Sarah x

🌸

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https://thedivorcebookclub.com/free-resources/

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Chapters

• 0:00 What is Limerence?
• 3:01 The Defining Features of Limerence
• 8:31 Fuel on the Fire or Reframing the Ashes?
• 12:05 Playing the Game of Dopamine
• 16:54 The 9 Steps to Break Free from Limerence
• 24:36 Extra Resources

Transcript

Sarah Elizabeth  00:01

Hello and welcome to the divorce chapter, the podcast to help you navigate your new and amazing life after divorce. Because it can be amazing, you know, and it doesn't always feel like it, but you're here, right, which shows me that, you know, even if it's a bit deep down and very buried buried somewhere, but somewhere, somehow, you realize that there's another way we can do this show, right? So with that spark in mind, this week, I'm going to talk about limerence. I know, right. You might be wondering why on earth we're talking about limerence on a divorce podcast. Maybe you don't even know what limerence actually is. What even is it? Well, according to the dictionary, limerence is a state of intense romantic desire, often characterised by obsessive thoughts and feelings of uncertainty about whether the other person reciprocates these feelings. The key words in there being intense and obsessive. This ain't just no little crush. No, no, no,this is deep shit. So with this in mind, you might be thinking that limerence doesn't exactly sound like something that relates to life after a long term marriage or divorce, maybe more like the early days infatuation instead, but, but here's the thing, limerence can also play a huge role in how we navigate relationships after a breakup or divorce. It can be the reason we struggle to move on from an ex, as well as why we might feel obsessively drawn to someone new, or even why we repeat certain relationship patterns. Limerence basically fucks our judgment, especially when we're feeling vulnerable and emotionally raw Post divorce. 

Sarah Elizabeth  02:00

So today we're going to go into what limerence is, how it affects us after divorce, and what steps we can take to take back control of our hearts and our minds. So whether you've recently come out of a long term relationship and are obsessing over the ex, or maybe you're starting to date again and planning your next wedding to the bloke you matched with on Tinder last night, or even if you just want to understand your emotional responses to this shit in a far better way, this episode is for you. So let's start by really defining limerence. Limerence was a concept coined by a psychologist called Dorothy Tennov in the 70s. Now it's often confused with love, but it's totally not the same thing, because love is built on connection care and mutual respect. Key word being mutual limerance is more about obsession and emotional dependence on someone, generally, without any feelings being reciprocated. And even if they are reciprocated, it's rarely at the same level unless, of course, you're both fucking limerent but when you're in a limerent state, your emotions are heightened. It's like living in a constant state of crush, but multiplied by 100, 1000, million. You know you might feel euphoric one minute and completely crushed the next, and it's all entirely dependent on how that person is interacting with you, or whether they're even interacting with you at all. Your mood is completely reliant on them noticing you. But it's really important to understand that limerence isn't about the person themselves. It's more about the idea of that person. You're not necessarily in love with who they are, but more with what they represent to you, especially during or after a divorce. In fact, in many cases, you might not even know the person all that well, but your mind fills in the blanks with fantasies and ideals, you've decided that everything you need perfect without even knowing the basics about them. Your list of non negotiables you want from a relationship that fucker is out the window, mate, he is your perfect man in your mind, at least. Think of limerence a bit like being caught in a storm at sea, the waves which are your emotions are crashing all around you. It's a wild ride out there. It's choppy as fuck, and the person you're focused on becomes like a lighthouse. You're drawn to them because they seem like they're going to guide you to safety. That's all you've got to do, is get to the fucking lighthouse. But that lighthouse isn't real. It's like a mirage. It doesn't even exist. And the more you focus on it, the more you lose sight of a proper way, a real way, to get to safe ground. There's a neuroscientist called Dr L. I think L is for limerence who used to publish under this pseudonym of Dr L, but now has come out, if you like, as Dr Tom Bellamy, and he's got a website called livingwithlimerence.com I'll put all the link in the show notes and that there's loads of limerence specific resources on the site. But what may be helpful here is a paraphrased version of the specific traits of limerence as identified by OG Dorothy Tennov. So the defining features are listed as frequent intrusive thoughts about the limerent object who is a potential sexual partner. So he calls the person you're limerent for a limerent object, it's an acute need for reciprocation of equally strong feeling. It's exaggerated dependency of mood on limerent objects actions, so elation when sensing reciprocation and devastation when sensing disinterest, an inability to react limerently to more than one person at a time, they're the one and only fleeting relief from unrequited feeling through vivid fantasy about reciprocation by the limerent object, insecurity or shyness when in the presence of the limerent object, which often manifests in overt physical discomfort, like sweating, stammering, racing heart, intensification of feelings by adversity, an aching sensation in the heart when uncertainty is strong, a general intensity of feeling that leaves other concerns in the background. We're basically ignoring the red flags here, and finally, a remarkable ability to emphasize the positive features of the limerent object and minimize or empathize with the negative. So that's the list. This is super intense shit. It's not just a passing crush. You get me. 

Sarah Elizabeth  07:29

So why are we talking about this in the context of divorce? Well, after a divorce, especially if the relationship was long term, we're often in a state of emotional vulnerability. We've just gone through a massive life change. And I mean fucking huge, huge life as we knew it no longer exists. The world we built up as crushed and burned, and so the stability that we had, however flawed and fucked up, it might well have been at the end, that steady, familiar existence has been shaken. You might well have heard me talk about that. For me, divorce felt like an earthquake, with everything around me rocked so badly, there was nothing left but to pile of fucking dust. A friend of mine calls her divorce the tsunami which wiped her everything out. You'll have your own version, I'm sure. But this, this is where limerence can creep in, because we are desperate to fill the emotional void that's left by our ex or the life that we used to have. We've got this massive fucking black hole where life used to live, and we just can't see what our new world is going to look like yet. So we try to rebuild too much too soon, fill the hole, you know? And so after divorce, people are searching for connection, for validation, and sometimes a distraction from the pain as well, right? So if we're not careful, we can then find ourselves latching on to a new romantic interest, mistaking that intense rush of emotion for something way more meaningful than it actually is. But here's the kicker, right, limerence thrives on uncertainty. If there's a tiny flicker of a flame, limerence is the fucking fuel. The less we know about the person or the less accessible they are, the more intense the feelings can become. It's wild, but it's like the chase. It's the what if that fuels the obsession. And, you know, probably in there somewhere, there's probably also a bit of a fuck you mindset with the ex, as in, fuck you, you bastard. You might not want me anymore, but I'll show you. You know? Though, in some cases, limerence can even keep us tied to the ex themselves, even after a divorce. You might find yourself obsessing over the ex, analysing their every single move on social media, borderline stalking, wondering if they're thinking about you or if there's a chance of reconciliation. And this is classic limerence at play. It's not the reality of the relationship that's keeping you hooked, but the fantasy of what it could be. And sometimes it's even harder, if it is the ex that you're limerent for, as there may well have been the dream at one point, way back when, and so, you know, it could be what you're imagining, because it's been it, you've just forgotten the shit bits, and that actually that fires well and truly out. The only thing we need to be reignited from that fire is your ashes, babe, not the shit show you've somehow reframed as romantic fantasy of the decade, you know. And if it's someone in the dating world, you've created this whole persona based on what ideals are in your head, but it's pure fiction. 

Sarah Elizabeth  11:06

So why the fuckity, fuckity, fuck does this happen? Why do we get so fixated on someone to the point where it feels like that all we can think about, and it all comes down to the brain chemistry involved in limerence. When you're in a limerent state, your brain releases high levels of dopamine, the neurotransmitter that makes us feel so good. And dopamine is associated with reward and pleasure. So every single interaction with this person gives you a little hit of that feel good chemical, and our brains are wired to seek out pleasure, and so any dopamine here is very welcome. Thank you very much, sir. But here's where it gets a bit tricky with limerence. Dopamine doesn't just get released when we're with the person. It also spikes when we're anticipating them, anticipating their attention, or thinking about them, and this creates this like destructive fantasy feedback loop. You think about them, you feel so good, and then crave more of that feeling so you think about them even more, and it's like being addicted to a drug, but in this case, the drug is the other person you know. Imagine you're at a casino, sitting in front of a slot machine. Every time you pull that lever or press that button, you're hoping for a win, and sometimes you get a small payout, maybe a message or a like on social media or some shit, and other times, nothing happens. Fuck all happens, and you feel crushed absofuckinglutely devo, but you keep pulling that lever because the potential for win is always there. That's exactly how limerence works. The uncertainty keeps you well and truly hooked. And if you think about it, this is why limerence is so common. After divorce, we're emotionally vulnerable, our self worth might well be screwed, and we're looking for something or someone to fill the gap. The excitement and rush of a new infatuation, especially after years of marriage, can feel like the perfect distraction, but in reality, it fucks with our healing because we're focusing on something external to soothe internal wounds. It's like expecting someone else to put a plaster on themselves to help you when you've cut yourself. It ain't never gonna work, but you might be sort of going well, isn't this just love? How can I tell the difference? And that's bloody good question, because limerence is often mistaken for love, especially after divorce, when we're craving some emotional connection. But limerence is primarily focused on obsession and idealisation, whereas real love is built on understanding, on respect, on emotional intimacy. In limerence, your feelings for the person often come from a place of scarcity. I need them to make me feel whole again. Whereas in love, the connection comes from a place of abundance. I feel good with this person. I don't need them to make me feel complete. They just make me feel extra good. Another key difference is that limerence thrives on fantasy. You may not even know this person deeply or even a bit, but your mind fills in the gaps with what you want them to be, whereas in love, you accept the person for who they are, who they really are, warts and all. Think of limerence a bit like a house of cards. It's fragile. It's built on really shaky ground, and it can collapse at any given moment. And but real love is like a brick house. It takes time to build, but when it's there, it's solid, it's stable, and it withstands storms of life. 

Sarah Elizabeth  15:11

So how do we break free from limerence, especially after divorce? Well, the key thing to recognize that the off is that limerence is not about the other person. It's about something within you that needs healing. Yep, so it's time to solve their own shit, and once you understand that part, you can start working on shifting your focus from them right back to you. So as always, I want to try and give you something used to actually help. So here's some steps that you can take that will hopefully help you to start to shift out of that limerent state. Number one, acknowledge it. Yep, I know. But honestly, the first step is always, always awareness, if you can recognize that what you're feeling is actually limerance and not love, you're already ahead of the game, because this self awareness can help you detach from the fantasy of focus on reality. So being aware of it is your first step challenge. It question how much is really true about what you're telling yourself about them? Would it hold up in court as evidence? Shine a light on this shit. Become aware of it as step one and step two, limit contact, which I know this will feel like super hard, but if you're stuck in a limerent cycle with someone, whether it's an ex or a new person, it's so important to try to create some distance limit the interactions that feed into the obsession, whether it's checking their social media, hovering around places they might be, or finding any reason whatsoever to text them. Yes, I see you just do what you can to limit that shit number three, shift the focus inwards after this really goddamn key anyway, but definitely, if you're limerent, start focusing on you. What do you need to feel whole? What parts of your life. Need Healing. It might be about picking up some new hobbies or reconnecting with old passions, whatever it looks like you are the author of this story. Stop giving someone else the goddamn fucking pen. There's only ever one person, one person who is with you, no matter what, for your entire life, only one person for the whole of your life, and that's you. You're the main character in this so number four, ground yourself in reality. This is an important one, and I sort of touched on it in step one two, when you find yourself slipping into fantasy land or idealising the person or limerent object. Actually, it's quite good to say object and objectify the situation a bit. But anyway, when you find yourself fantasising consciously pull yourself back to reality. Ask yourself, what do I actually know about this person? What the facts, not the feelings, the facts? And look, I get that can be hard, especially if it's the ex we're talking about, but think about what you know about them at the end, if it's the ex, when they showed you who they really are, limerence feeds off the fantasy of what could be. So the next time you catch yourself dreaming about the person, whoever it is, ex or otherwise, stop and really, really challenge the fantasy. Is this really based on reality? What are you projecting onto them? That might not be true, Breaking the fantasy loop with some fucking hard reality checks, helps to loosen the grip that limerence has on you. Number five, practice mindfulness. Now, I know this can sound like the usual self help shit, and you're probably like, oh, fuck off with the mindfulness when the brain some fucking mess, but truly, mindfulness really can be super helpful in breaking the cycle of obsessive thinking. And it doesn't have to be meditating, cross legged chanting ommm. It can be a walk, focusing on what you see what you hear, or yoga, that's quite meditative in itself. The point is that by staying present and focusing on your own life in the moment, you can start to detach from the constant thoughts about the other person and their life. It's just another tool in the kit for breaking the obsessive thought though number six seek support. Healing from limerence is a. Hell of a process anyway, but especially after divorce. So it's really important to surround yourself with a bloody good support squad who can help you stay grounded and bring you back to bloody reality. A therapy can be a good thing as well, if you can, it helps you uncover the root causes of limerence and rewire the programming guide you through it, like I said earlier, and also in the episode about trauma bonds as well, this kind of shit is like an addiction that started its roots somewhere that may just need a little bit of extra support right now, and that's okay. Number seven, develop some emotional boundaries after divorce. It's common to feel like your emotional boundaries are really fucking blurred, especially if you're still in contact with ex, you know, like when you go to the opticians and they put on those dodgy plastic glasses, and then they start putting bits in and out to test what you can see. And, you know, does left look clear or right look clear? And they all look the bloody same, you know, they will start off a bit blurry, don't they, and then suddenly there's the right one, and you're like, I can see. Praise the Lord. Getting some good, strong boundaries in place is like finding the right lens. It's just about being mindful of how much mental and emotional space. You give to other people, get that energy right back, reclaim it back, invest it in you. Which brings me on to number eight, working on self worth. Limerence generally thrives when we're looking for external validation. You know how a virus multiplies when your defenses are down, limbance is like a virus. So just like you'd build up your immune system, you need to start building up your own self worth to protect from this. That might mean setting some small personal goals that might just even be reminding yourself of the qualities that make you valuable without needing someone else to affirm it. And I know that can be super hard after divorce, especially if the wanker destroyed your self worth in the process. I get it, but your worth does not change by some idiot's inability to value you. It really doesn't. And Number nine, focus on your own life. Last but not least, shift the focus from the person you're fixating on back to your own life. What can you do to build a life you're excited about? Post divorce, creating a new next chapter that excites you by pouring your energy into your own life is honestly one of the most powerful ways to break the hold of limerence, when you can create a life that you don't want to escape from, with someone or something that that is the magic. 

Sarah Elizabeth  22:57

And I get it limerence can feel really goddamn overwhelming, especially when you're already navigating the show of a divorce, but if you take nothing else but this, remember that limerence is never, ever, ever about the other person. It's always about something deeper within you, and by recognising the patterns, setting the boundaries, focusing on you, you really can start to move away from limerence and build an amazing life that's grounded in real connection and self worth. So I do hope that's helped. If limerence is something that has hit after divorce, I really do. There are a couple of books that are specifically all about limerence. There's not a massive amount out there, but there's the OG by Dorothy tennov In her book, Love and limerence. I'll leave the links in the show notes. Then Dr L or Dr Tom Bellamy, who I referenced earlier, who wrote living with limerence. I've got this book, and it's quite sciency, but super helpful. Plus, on his website, living with limerence, there's a shit ton of blogs and stuff on there. So again, I'll leave the link. But if you are even feeling slightly seen shown up, oh my God, I feel seen after listening today, then please, please, please, do look into it some more. Save yourself, because you really can create the most amazing life after divorce without needing to look at someone else to fix you. I promise you, it's all possible. For extra help with this, we've started November's book today, on the day the episode drops over in the divorce book club, we've gone for more autobiographical style. Is that I say autobiographical style this month, which is also got a load of FAB advice, plus some more great book tips to add to the TBR list. Yes, and if that hasn't already sold it to you, a shit ton of humour to how to heal a broken heart by Rosie green is described as from rock bottom to reinvention by ugly crying on the bathroom floor. We've all been there. It's never too late to start in the book club. All the links are in the show notes. Everything's there for you. Email me, contact me, comment on the episode, rate, review on the rating. As always, if you have enjoyed the episode, I would be forever, super grateful if you could just take a couple of seconds to rate the podcast. Each episode has a rating, and obviously I'd love five stars, but you know, whatever you feel, I promise you, it's super quick to do, but it really bloody helps the divorce chapter get found by people searching for help after the show. So giving a review is like doing a public bloody service. So thank you and thank you for listening again today. I will be back in your beautiful earbuds again next week, so I'm sending you so much love until then or not. Limerent love, though, just normal love. Oh, my God, Jeez you know,  love you. Bye.