EP63 When Your Ex Turns the World Against You (Part 1): Manipulation of Friends and Family

Welcome back to The Divorce Chapter where we rewrite the divorce plot twist ✍️ 

In this episode, we’re tackling something that can make divorce feel like a never-ending battle….when your ex tries to turn family, friends, and mutual acquaintances against you. 

Divorce is hard enough, but dealing with an ex who manipulates those around you takes it to a whole new level. This episode is all about understanding these toxic tactics and finding ways to protect yourself.

We’ll cover:

- Flying Monkeys: Just like in The Wizard of Oz, these are people your ex recruits to spread misinformation, manipulate, or guilt-trip you, often without knowing the full picture.

- Triangulation: How your ex might play people off each other, creating sides to keep you isolated and confused.

- How to Spot the Tactics: Recognising when family or friends suddenly become distant, share personal details they shouldn’t know, or start relaying your ex’s narrative.

- Steps to Protect Yourself: From setting boundaries and documenting everything to emotionally detaching from the drama, I share practical strategies to regain your peace and strength.

If you’re facing an ex who’s manipulating the people around you, this episode will help you recognise these tactics, protect your mental health, and take back your power.

And next week, we’re diving into Part 2 on managing things when your ex turns the kids against you. Don’t miss it!

I hope the episode is useful for you.

And whilst we’re talking empowerment we’re a couple of chapters in to November’s book over in the Divorce Book Club.

How to Heal a Broken Heart: From Rock Bottom to Reinvention *via ugly crying on the bathroom floor, by Rosie Green 💚

You can check out the book here: 

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B08GG7BC79/ref=nosim?tag=thedivorceb00-21

This is the story of Rosie's own divorce shitshow interspersed with advice, book recommendations and sprinkled throughout with humour. 

❤️

I bloody love it so far!

I’d love to have you join us for this one. It’s never too late to join as all the back catalogue of episodes are available to all members 📚

Link to join below ⬇️

Do let me know if you want any more details about the book club - or indeed about anything divorce/break-up related.

Until next week then you absolute QUEEN 👑 sending you loads of love,

Sarah x

🌸

P.S. If you found this episode helpful, please take a moment to rate and review. Your support means so much and helps others find the podcast ❤️

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Chapters

• 0:00 When the Ex Creates an Army
• 5:01 Flying Monkeys
• 10:00 Triangulation
• 13:57 How do you spot the manipulation?
• 16:53 5 Steps to Protect Yourself
• 25:52 Don't forget to protect your emotional health too
• 28:38 You're the Queen of the Castle now 👑

Transcript

00:00

Hello and welcome to the divorce chapter, the podcast here to help you fight back after divorce shit show completely floors you and this week, fighting back probably seems quite appropriate for what we're going to be talking about, because sometimes your ex seems to want to create their own fucking army and go to war. And let's face it, divorce is tough enough when it's just between two people, but what happens when your ex starts pulling other people into the mix, your family, your friends, even mutual acquaintances. It feels like suddenly you're fighting on multiple fronts, and the battle goes way, way, way beyond just you and them. So that's what we're going to be looking at today, the dangerous web of manipulation by the ex about flying monkeys and also what triangulation looks like, more importantly, how you can break free from all of this shit and this toxic cycle. And the idea for this episode was suggested by an amazing listener. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You know who you are, suggestions and ideas always welcome over here. So I'm gonna actually break this topic down into two parts, because I feel like there is two bits to it really. This week I'm gonna focus on when it's wider family and friends that the expert recruits to their army. And next week, we're going to have a part two, which is going to be when the manipulation from them centres around your kids and parental alienation and all of that, whether the children are adults or littlies because I think that deserves its own episode. And so this week, we're just going to focus on wider family and friends. And you know this is all so important, because I genuinely think that people completely underestimate the manipulation that can come out of a divorce, and which is especially true in high conflict divorces where the ex often a narcissist, doesn't let go easily and now use others to maintain control. And we try, we try our goddamn hardest, to be amicable to resolve shit. But if we're dealing with someone who has to be in control, you can bet your bottom dollar it won't be an easy ride. Maybe they were manipulative in the marriage as well, or maybe they weren't, and this side of them is completely alien to that person that you loved. Maybe you can't even reconcile this nasty, cold, heartless person with the man you knew. I get it. I get it completely. It's why I say the man you're divorcing is not the man you're married. It's like they undergo this personality transplant or something and turn into this complete stranger, Only often we're still so in love with them, and we've been not only blindsided by the end of the marriage, but also by this what feels like an imposter. It completely takes us out and and it's often in this blindsided state when we're in gut wrenching shock, when our brains are in utter chaos and our hearts are shattered, that someone with the propensity, shall we say, to be manipulative, they'll seize the upper hand and recruit people to their side. 

04:01

They'll get the flying monkeys on board the flight to make your life a fucking misery. So what are flying monkeys? Well, flying monkeys is actually a term from the story The Wizard of Oz. Oh. Side note, is anyone else wildly excited for the wicked movie coming out on the 22nd of this month. I love, love wicked, the musical. I've seen it several times. Are people born wicked, or do they have wickedness thrust upon them? Okay, that's just me. That's maybe this excited. Anyway, back to topic, and flying monkeys, from The Wizard of Oz, and the term Flying Monkeys describes how the Wicked Witch used her minions to do her dirty work, like grabbing Dorothy and Toto you know, so in the context of divorce, flying monkeys are people, often family, friends, mutual acquaintances the people who your ex uses to manipulate and control the narrative. These are the ones, the people who relay messages. They'll spread misinformation, they'll talk shit, often total bollocks, without any clarification of any actual facts, or they'll try and guilt trip you into bending to what the ex says or thinks or wants or whatever their will, if you like. And it's usually narcissists who use flying monkeys. And they do it for several reasons, but firstly, because it allows them to maintain their image. Narcissists are highly concerned with how they're perceived. They've got an image to protect it, you know, and so by using others to spread their narrative, their bullshit, they can position themselves as the victim, and at the same time vilifying their ex you. It's a double win for them and their egos. They paint a completely fucking distorted picture of events, convincing the flying monkeys entirely that they are totally justified in their actions, and these enablers as they are, may then even harass, spy on you, spread rumours about you, which then helps the ex continue their abuse of you without directly getting their hands dirty. And secondly, flying monkeys give the narcissist a sense of power and validation. Seeing others support their self created cause reinforces their grandiosity and belief that they are always, always right, they feed off the loyalty of these enablers, often guilt tripping them into siding with the narcissist by exploiting their emotions as well, whether that be out of loyalty or out of fear and in divorce, this dynamic can be incredibly destructive, because Flying Monkeys might then interfere with co parenting arrangements on the ex's behalf. They could turn other people, turn other mutual friends, even turn family members against you, and the narcissist goal in this is generally to isolate you, because it fucks with your support system. It screws it completely and makes it really hard for you to heal and move on, flying monkeys, often completely unaware of the full picture, become basically pawns in the narcissist ongoing campaign of control and manipulation of you. So imagine like you're trying to climb out of a pit of quicksand, and just as you think you're free, you've got hands grabbing at your ankles, dragging you back in, sucking you back down, and that's what flying monkeys feel like. They keep pulling you back into the conflict when all you want to do is move on. And because they're people in your life that are doing this often, the quick sand doesn't even look dangerous, which makes it even more terrifying. So the ex might recruit flying monkeys to do their dirty work for them, and they just sit there pretending to be the poor little innocent one, playing their fucked up manipulating games. 

08:59

But equally, they may also use another tactic of psychological manipulation called triangulation, where they're totally party to the manipulation show. So triangulation is basically when one person creates conflict, creates manipulation by deliberately involving a third party. So this is not so much about using other people to do their dirty work, but rather actively creating sides, if you like. So like with flying monkeys, he's actively creating an army against you. But with triangulation, he's created two sides with him in the middle, pulling the fucking strings. So in the context of a high conflict divorce, this could often look like something like your ex telling your children, your parents, mutual friends, anyone who fucking listen a complete. Completely fucked up, entirely one sided version of events designed to turn them against you and or keep you off balance, or something else they might do. They might tell your family something completely different from what they tell their own family. So they're keeping both sides at odds, making it really difficult for anyone to actually see the full and actual picture, right? So in this case, the narcissist is in the centre of the action. They're controlling the communication. They're controlling the emotions and every other goddamn thing. By pitting people against each other, they've got the sense of control and power over the situation. It creates confusion. It can fuck with your own support system and lead to massive divisions among family and friends. And the narcissist might also use triangulation to manipulate children, causing them to take sides or alienate the other parent, but as I said, we'll go deeper on that next week the impact of triangulation can be huge because it creates this like toxic atmosphere of distrust, where you end up feeling completely isolated, totally paranoid, misunderstood, permanently on edge, on the edge as well as on edge. You know, emotionally, you're you're likely to experience anxiety, self doubt, lack of self trust, constant feeling of being undermined, which makes the already challenging process of divorce, even more painful and frankly fucking exhausting, where already nothing quite makes any sense with this shit on top it can leave you questioning if you even know your own name for certain. Imagine like playing a game of chess, but instead of two players, there are three you, your ex, and the third party. They've dragged in, but unlike a fair game, you're constantly blindsided, because the ex has a third party making moves beyond your back, shifting the board in their favor. You're like, I'm sure I was there, but then look back as you're somewhere else on the board entirely. Constantly shifting narratives makes you doubt your own mind.

12:57

So how can you spot flying monkeys or any triangulation going on well in a high conflict divorce, particularly when dealing with a narcissistic ex, flying monkeys and triangulation are common tactics to control and manipulate, right? But these strategies, these tactics, can be subtle, which makes it really damn difficult to identify what's going on, but there are some telltale signs to look out for, so it can help you recognize when you're being targeted. So some common signs might be people suddenly acting really cold or distant towards you without any reason. One of the first signs of flying monkeys is when people who were once friendly suddenly start acting ice cold or remote towards you with no clear explanation, which can often show that they've been influenced by your ex's narrative. Another red flag is when family members or mutual friends seem to know very personal details about your life that they shouldn't really find detailed shit they couldn't possibly know unless your ex has told em, you might start receiving unsolicited advice or guilt trips from people close to you, and those types of comments are often Like rooted in the ex's distorted reality. And are designed to make you feel at fault or question your decisions. So if you start to see any of this kind of shit, it's important to step back and really pay attention to where these messages are coming from. Could it be actually coming from the person who's talking to you, or are they merely parroting what your ex has told them? Ask yourself, if the person giving you this advice or criticism, or whatever it is, if they're speaking from their own perspective, or if they might just be repeating what your ex has told them.Narcissists love flyinging monkeys to parrot their views because they're just puppets to them, but it further isolates you and makes it so much harder to move forward. But by recognizing these tactics, you can start to set boundaries with the people involved and protect yourself. Knowing the signs of flying monkeys, triangulation, it empowers you to distance yourself a bit.

15:53

So how do you protect yourself? Well, as I say, recognising these tactics is the first step towards them. But once you identify that, what can you actually do to safeguard your mental and emotional health? Because it's it's really hard. So what I thought we'd do today is we're going to go through five steps to basically take control of the situation and try to protect yourself from further manipulation, right? So step one is to detach emotionally. Now this is one of the hardest but most important steps, actually, is learning to emotionally detach from the situation. You can't control what your ex tells other people, but you can control how you respond. Narcissists thrive on controlling the emotions of other people. They want a reaction from you, but you can take control by choosing how you respond when flying monkeys or your ex provoke you. It's so so damn tempting to defend yourself, right? But reacting emotionally just feeds their need for attention, for drama. Instead, try and think of it like stepping off of a battlefield your ex is trying to engage you in a fight that benefits them, not you. They don't give a shit about you. Or another way to think about it is to drop the rope. Talked about this before. Imagine it's like a tug of war, and you're on one side, your ex is on the other, is recruited, maybe a load of other people's fly monkeys or someone else to pull his side of the rope. It's you against an army right now. You can keep tugging away as hard as you like, trying to defend yourself, trying to trying to say, no, no, this is not fair. This is not fair. You can do that as much as you like. You ain't going to win, because they will keep pulling right they've got more weight behind them. Now. There's no point trying to defend yourself. What is better to coat and go, just get the rope and just drop it. Just drop the rope. They'll probably fall over, which would be quite funny, but you know what I mean? Drop the rope. Imagine it. Drop the rope. Let them do what they're going to do. Don't engage, don't defend. That was what Dr Romani said in the book, it's not you. That was, don't go deep, don't defend, don't explain, don't engage, don't personalise. That was it. Don't go deep. But in this situation, don't defend yourself. Detach, detach emotionally from engaging in a battle that is about them. They they're creating this to go against you. So it's really important by dropping the rope, by stepping off the battlefield by detaching emotionally, you take away their power. Doesn't mean you stop caring about what's happening, not at all. It means you refuse to let them dictate your emotional stay. You can choose not to engage in the conflict which denies them the emotional fuel that they're craving, right? 

19:25

So step two sets and boundaries with the flying monkeys. Once you spot the flying monkeys, the people who are being manipulated by your ex to act on their behalf, it's essential to set some clear boundaries these enablers may come at you with unsolicited advice, with criticism, guilt trips, as I've said, usually based on the distorted bullshit version of events your ex is fed them. So responding calmly and assertively is really helpful. So you. Full boundary statement might be something like, I appreciate your concern, but I'm not discussing the divorce anymore. Thank you. Shuts down the conversation without engaging in a debate. Appreciate your concern, but I'm not discussing the divorce anymore. Think of setting boundaries like building a fence around your emotional home. You decide who gets to come inside. Just because someone is repeating what they've heard from your ex does not mean you owe them your time, your energy, your explanations, boundaries protect your emotional space for more harm. Step three, document everything in a high conflict evolves. Documentation becomes such a vital tool, both for your own clarity and for potential legal situations, if your ex is spreading lies or attempting to manipulate the situation, keep a record of all of those interactions with them, as well as the flying monkeys. Document conversations, save emails, texts, all that shit. Log any harassment or manipulative behaviors, get it all down. This isn't just about keeping your thoughts organized. It can also serve as evidence if the situation does escalate into into courts. You know, if there's legal matters like custody or harassment claims or whatever, a paper trial can give you clarity in that fog of manipulation, because they do try and fog you, and it can be used then to demonstrate those patterns of behavior, if you need to in court. It's another way to regain some control in a situation that may otherwise feel out of control on where you feel powerless, right?

22:04

And step four, try and communicate strategically. So when flying monkeys approach you, it's important not to get drawn into the exes game, right? Narcissists are fucking experts at twisting conversations to fit their narrative, flying monkeys are often just repeating what they've been told. So don't waste your energy defending yourself, trying to change their minds, trying to show them the truth they're probably too entrenched in the narcissist version of events against you. So instead, communicate in a calm and factual way. So a good response might be something like, I understand you've heard their side, but I'm focusing on moving forward that kind of neutral factual response prevents any escalation and protects your emotional boundaries. So like being a bouncer on your invisible emotional fence that we set up, it keeps the conversation focused on the present and on your priorities, rather than getting sucked into rehashing past shit you know And step five, seek legal help if necessary. Sometimes a narcissist manipulation escalates to a point where legal intervention is necessary, and that might include defamation, harassment, even legal threats, right if your ex's actions are affecting your ability to live peacefully or CO parent effectively. It's really important to seek some legal advice, and you might need to involve your lawyer to get some court mandated boundaries, like a restraining order or clear guidelines for communication or parenting or whatever. Having legal protection in place ensures that you're not left to manage your ex's manipulations on your own, and it can provide much needed peace of mind in a turbulent situation. So there's some practical steps. 

24:14

What about protecting your mental health? Because dealing with a narcissistic ex and their flying monkeys can take a significant toll on your mental health. It's crucial to develop a support network and practice self care to give you the pieces to maintain your emotional well being, one of the best defenses against manipulation is surrounding yourself with people who genuinely support you, build a circle of trust, friends, family members, even therapists who understand what you're going through and won't be swayed by your exes. Distortions the inner circle support squad, those who will never take your exes side, no matter what that validation from your people is so important right now, and also take time to look after you, because emotional manipulation is freaking exhausting, making self care priority in whatever way feels right for you, that might mean seeing a therapist to work through your feelings. It might be engaging in physical exercise to release some of the stress. It might be just carving out moments of peace where you can recharge Whatever it looks like for you, the goal is to replenish your emotional reserves so that you're better equipped to deal with the challenges. Think of it like your fortress, your narcissistic ex and their flying monkeys and the people they pulled into triangulation is like an army trying to breach your walls, break the walls down, but with strong defenses, boundaries, self care, support. You remain fucking impenetrable. Love, it's not about being invulnerable. It's about strengthening your foundation so that outside attacks can't easily knock you down. The more you take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who support your journey people you can trust, the stronger and more resilient you'll become, Flying monkeys and triangulation may well be tools that your ex uses to try and destabilize you, but by focusing on your mental health and emotional well being, taking those steps, you reclaim your power and prevent that further manipulation. You didn't sign up for a team sport when you got divorced, I know, but here you are battling not just your ex, but also their recruits.

26:52

Remember their goal is to keep you stuck, but you're stronger than that. With the right tools and support, you can move forward. You don't need to stay tethered to their manipulative games and bullshit. You don't. So I do hope that's helped in some way today, if you're experiencing this crap, I know it's so hard and adds another layer of unnecessary drama to an already potentially chaotic show. You didn't ask for this. I get it. I get it, but you do have the power here to take back some control. You're the queen in this castle now. You ain't letting no intruder in over here, right? So if you have found the episode useful, do please share the episode with someone who might need it. You can always tag me over on Instagram at the divorce chapter as well. I can send any links to whatever you need. Or you can help me out by rating and reviewing the episode. It always helps out. It truly, truly helps the part, my lovelies, it truly does. So thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Next week, as I said, I will do a part two on how to manage this shit when it's the kids that the exes manipulating and turning against you. So I will be back in your beautiful earbuds for that one. I'm sending you so much love. Until then.