The Divorce Chapter

EP65 No More Quick Fixes: How Emotional Sobriety Can Be Your Post-Divorce Superpower

• Sarah Elizabeth • Episode 65

Share episode

Send us a text

Are you ready to ditch the numbing traps and face the emotional rollercoaster of divorce like an absolute boss? 

In this episode of The Divorce Chapter, we’re going into the concept of emotional sobriety….aka your new divorce superpower.  

✨ We start with a sprinkle of inspiration from Wicked in honour of the movie coming out in the UK, because, yes, even Elphaba has lessons to teach us about resilience, truth, and rising above the BS (hello, narcissistic wizards 👀). And who doesn’t need a little “Defying Gravity” energy in their life?  

Then we get real about the traps we fall into post-divorce….wine o’clock, emotional eating, doom scrolling, and retail therapy, anyone? 🙋‍♀️ 

But unfortunately numbing out doesn’t heal the pain….it just presses pause. So, how do we stop?  

I’m breaking down the practical steps for emotional sobriety that will help you feel ALL the feels, process them, and come out stronger on the other side. 

PLUS, I’ve got tips to survive Santa season 🎅 a time when emotions can hit harder than a tin of Quality Street to the face.  

If you’ve ever turned to wine, TikTok, or Maltesers to numb the pain (no shade, we’ve all been there), this episode is for you. 

Emotional sobriety isn’t easy, but it’s the ultimate glow-up tool for moving forward after divorce.  

Let’s rebuild, one healthy step at a time. You’ve got this, my love. 💛

I’d love to hear what you think….. If you find the episode helpful, it would mean the world to me if you left a review or shared it with someone who might need it. 💖

Until next week please take care of you, and sending you loads of love,

Sarah x

🌸

P.S. For December in the book club, we’re doing a self-care book. I know that Christmas might feel super f*cking tough…. Especially if it’s your first one after divorce. 

So this book looks to be a good one…. Especially as its tagline is ‘how to let go of frazzle and make time for you’. Which we all need in Santa Season right?! 

You can check it out here:  

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1409177580/ref=nosim?tag=thedivorceb00-21

If you have any questions about the book club do let me know, and in the meantime I’ll leave the link here ⬇️

THE DIVORCE BOOK CLUB
 
https://patreon.com/thedivorcebookclub

FREE Guide to the 10 MUST read divorce books after divorce

https://thedivorcebookclub.com/free-resources/

INSTAGRAM

https://www.instagram.com/thedivorcechapter

00:00

Hello and welcome to the divorce chapter podcast, where we are learning, step by step, to maybe not totally embrace our new lives quite yet, but where we start, at least to look at ways we can put another brick in the Yellow Book road, you know, and talking of yellow brick road on the day this episode drops, so does the movie of wicked in cinemas in the UK. Can she contain herself? Possibly not. I am beyond excited. I'm gonna go with one of my OG besties and her daughter, who we took to see wicked, the musical in the west end when she was about 15. So it's full circle fun, and I'm really super excited, for those that don't know, wicked is the story of the supposedly wicked witch from The Wizard of Oz. And as the script asks, are people born wicked, or do they have wickedness thrust upon them? And so before we actually get on to the theme of today's podcast, I thought it might be cute, as I'm such a wicked fan. Even saw it on Broadway, don't you know, I thought it'd be cute to think about how there are actually, weirdly, some things in Wicked that can totes apply do the divorce show, especially When dealing with personalities like a narc or uncovering hidden truths in lying, cheating wankers, just saying. So. As a quick start to this week, here are a few meaningful lessons from Wicked number one, the wizard is not what he appears to be like a narcissist, just like the wizard in Wicked, a narcissistic partner ex whatever, often presents with this bullshit, front facing personality that's completely bloody different from their true self. And in the story of wicked. The wizard charms people with his charisma and promises, but his actual intentions and behaviour are manipulative, deceptive, significant lack of true empathy. There ringing any bells and so just like a narcissistic ex may initially present a charming front to all and sundry, over time, their true nature comes to light, and the wizards bullshit is a bit of a reminder that appearances can be deceptive, which is why we need to trust our instincts when someone's words don't match their actions. Number two, elphabas, journey to embracing her true self and self acceptance in Wicked is perhaps a powerful parallel for those going through divorce. Elphaba is the so called wicked witch who was born green, but even she learns to embrace who she truly is, despite being misunderstood, judged, fucking, vilified by every other fucker in Oz, her resilience in the face of criticism is a bit of a beauts reminder to stand strong in your own truth and live authentically and fuck everyone else's opinions. Number three, seeing through false narratives. Now in Wicked The Wizard and his people paint Elphaba as wicked to keep control and influence and power. Now, if anyone listening has gone through a similar smear campaign from the ex, that may well resonate, which is why, actually, the story shows us how fucking important is to stay true to yourself even when others are swayed by the ex's bullshit. Number four might be a bit of a push on this one. It's a bit pushing. It a little bit so far, but the power of letting go, because wicked does kind of show how difficult, yet freeing it can be to release resentment by the end of the story Elphaba and Glinda, who is supposedly the Good Witch, but it's an itsy bitsy Bitchy, if you ask me. But they do learn to let go of their shit, even if they can't change what happens number five, Glinda and elphabas friendship. Now their friendship, which, if you didn't know, didn't start all that well. Mainly. Because of gahlinda, but actually, it did show in the end that support can come from the most unlikely places, and they did actually end up forming a really deep friendship and helped each other through some shit times. So just like in divorce, meaningful support often actually comes from surprising places, which is why it's good to be open to new friendships, extending the support squad, even when they don't look like what we might expect. And finally, number six, I couldn't let this piece end without reference to the amazing song defying gravity, which symbolizes elphabas decision to break free from every other fuckers expectations and limitations, she chooses to rise above, fly free and in her own goddamn power, which I'm here for it I'm here for that in the divorce world and in the words of the song, which I won't sing, because nobody needs to hear that. As someone told me, lately, everyone deserves the chance to fly and if I'm flying solo, at least I'm flying free, beautiful. And so there ends my little rendition of the metaphors in Wicked that reminds us of navigating divorce. And hey, well, we're all entitled to a bit of an Elphaba moment now and again. I mean, if I could have flown off in a green haze of glitter to defy gravity after my divorce show, I'd have been here for it. But I can neither confirm nor deny that I actually spent a few nights numbing out imagining myself as Elphaba singing. I'm not that girl, but hey, you know, divorce stays with us. You know, no shade, 


Sarah Elizabeth  06:46

which gives us possibly the weirdest segue ever into today's actual podcast theme, emotional sobriety. Because, I mean, let's be real. It's super goddamn tempting to look for a quick fix to take the edge off the hurt, right? But unlike in ours, where you can distract yourself with a wand or escape into a song and dance through life, we've got to face our feelings everywhere without the smoke and mirrors. So today, we're gonna get into how to navigate I suppose those intense emotions after divorce without numbing out. I know. I know, right and why choosing emotional sobriety is a real life superpower that can really help you rebuild from the inside out. So let's go. We're talking about emotional sobriety. This is about how to get through, let's face it, really fucking intense emotions and struggles that come after the divorce, but without falling into numbing habits and behaviors that often feel really, really good temporarily, but only harm us in the long run. And you know, it's a bit of a do as I say, not as I do, one this week, because I was not emotionally sober, which is exactly why I see the benefits of this and only wish I bloody had then and all. But I know I'm not alone, because, like for a lot of us, those intense feelings like grief, anger, loss become so damn overwhelming, and when those feelings come up, it's entirely normal, and dare I say it's socially acceptable to reach for something that feels like it's going to take the edge off, whether that's alcohol, food, distractions, even compulsive shopping. So today, we're going to look a bit about what emotional sobriety means, why it matters, and how we can start to try and build some healthier coping strategies that will properly help us heal. And my aim is that by the end of the episode, you'll have some tools to work with as you start your next chapter, tools that don't need any kind of numbing. So what actually is emotional sobriety? Because most people think of sobriety as abstaining from substances like alcohol or drugs, right? But emotional sobriety is actually a much deeper concept, if you like it. It means maintaining a clear, grounded, regulated emotional state without keyword, without depending on external fixes or distractions or habits to avoid our feelings. It's about


Sarah Elizabeth  09:51

facing our feelings, riding through them, coming out on the other side, a hell of a lot stronger, without all the shit that holds us back without the mask. So in the context of divorce, emotional sobriety basically means being fully present with really complex range of grief and emotions that come up rather than numbing or running from them. We all know, right, that divorce gives us next level grief, anger, resentment, loneliness, fear, next level, fucking fear. And if these feelings are left unchecked, they can lead us to try and cope in ways that are destructive and or numbing. And I know because I did this shit, and like so many others, it's so easy to feel like we need to take the edge off of our pain. Just take the edge off. And for some, that might mean reaching for alcohol, needing wine or shit every fucking night. For others, it could be using food to comfort, inhaling chocolate in less than a second, like it's got a freaking choke Hold on you. Or it might be mindless shopping and wasting money on 10 ton of shit you really don't need or probably want. It might be losing hours and hours and hours Doom scrolling online watching mindless shit on Tiktok. Or you may be like me and do variations of all of the above. You know, emotional sobriety, then is basically about finding ways to be okay with feeling the shitty bits, the tough stuff, and choosing to work through it and deal with it instead of numbing it. 


Sarah Elizabeth  11:28

And actually, as we approach the holiday season, Santa season, emotional sobriety becomes even more important, and that's really why I wanted to touch on it today, because we're only a few weeks away from Christmas, and for many of you, this might be your first Christmas on your own. And so over the next few weeks, I'm going to try and bring you some festive related episodes that might actually help a bit. And really why I thought I'd start with emotional sobriety today, because for many people going through a divorce, the holidays, Christmas brings up a fucked up mix of emotions, loneliness, nostalgia, even grief for the life we thought we were going to add, and it adds just so many more layers of stress and emotional vulnerability, which, let's face it, can make the temptation to numb out even freaking stronger. The holidays have a really nasty habit of amplifying emotions. You know, it's kind of the same with money. There's this whole notion that rich people are bad or something, yet everyone wants to be rich. If they're so bad, why do you want to be rich? But anyway, the truth is, if you're a poor, nasty bastard, money will just make you a richer, nastier bastard, whereas if you're a poor, kind person, you're gonna get even kinder with money. Money's just got a way of amplifying who you are and amplifying shit, and I just feel like holidays are the same. So if you're sad, quimbo is probably going to make you sadder. If you're angry, all the Ho Ho Ho is going to make you want to go, fuck, fuck, and if you're lonely, the thought of all the festive shit just makes you feel like you're the only god damn person alive. So whether it's the ache of missing family traditions or having to share your kids or filling out a place at parties and get togethers and shit social events, family dinners, even just seeing fucking Christmas decorations, all this shit triggers emotions are probably gonna feel way too intense to handle in the middle of a divorce shit show, which is weirdly exactly why emotional society is a good idea to think about right now. And I know it might sound a bit counter intuitive, but choosing to face this shit head on, rather than avoiding it can actually really help build some resilience and maybe even allow us to sort of enjoy it, rather than relying on temporary fixes to get through it all. If we can get to emotional sobriety during the holidays, we can do fucking anything my loves because taking care of our emotional health. Now we give ourselves the best goddamn gift ever, because it's a chance to heal and grow and enter the new year with a newfound bloody superpower.


Sarah Elizabeth  14:26

So let's talk about some of the most common numbing traps that people fall into after divulge and it's important to kind of recognize these patterns, because then we can catch ourselves before they become habits, speaking from experience over here. So first up alcohol and substance missed use, because after a tough day, having a glass of wine or a drink might seem harmless. It's normalized, right? TV movies having a glass of wine with dinner. It's ever since civilized, darling, I. What happens when one drink turns into two or three or four every single night? Drinking to take the edge off is one of the most common ways people numb themselves to avoid facing pain. And as much as I don't like to be common darling, yet, this was me, but as much as alcohol can temporarily double the pain, it also disconnects us from our emotions and can lead to dependence. You know, I wasn't dependent, per se, but I liked a fucking drink to block the crap out, and now coming up to two years with no alcohol, which side note is wild, considering how much I loved a Cosmo and apro or two or three, but more that I wasn't even intending to stop drinking. I was only doing bloody dry January after my 50th but that's a whole other story. I did do an episode on this back in January this year, so if you want the full dates on that one, go back and have a listen. But the point being, alcohol's an easy and legal way to numb out. Now, I've never done drugs in my life, so I can't answer for that one, but I assume it's the same shit as alcohol, right? An obvious way to try and numb out the shit show. Or there's emotional, compulsive eating, which is another super common way to numb out when we feel stressed, lonely, hurt or any combination of the fuckers, eating shit gives us a temporary feeling of comfort. And I say eating shit because it's never healthy stuff we crave. Is it? Can you imagine? Bridget Jones binging on cucumber instead of ice cream, it's ice cream, chocolate, nachos. I don't know whatever other guilty pleasure you find it's shit, but emotional eating, especially when it becomes a daily habit, just makes us feel a zillion times worse. Often we're not even aware of just how much we're eating, and over time, that shit affects not only our health and our waistline, but our self esteem as well. Or another one, compulsive shopping and spending. Retail therapy is a goddamn thing, and many of us will turn to shopping to give ourselves a boost. We look to the thing, the piece of clothing, the home decor, the jewelry, whatever it is, we look to the thing to make us feel better, only it never bloody Does, does it? So we look to the next thing and the next and the next. But impulsive buying or overspending like this, well, it can spiral out of control quicker than you can click fucking Apple Pay, especially when we're only using it to cover up emotional wounds. Not only can it strain finances and leave us in an even worse state because now we're worrying about debt on top of everything else, but also it often leaves spinning even more empty than before, or there's using endless distraction of social media or TV. We're all guilty of using our phones, social media or binge watching to escape from stress because it feels harmless, right? But these distractions give us a completely false dopamine hit instead of allowing us to actually process our feelings. It's like when you click on some clip from a crap movie on Tiktok. And before, you know, if you watch the whole fucking film, that might just be me. You know, this shit does provide an escape in the moment, but when we spend hours and hours and hours on end in this distraction, we're just avoiding dealing with our emotions head on and storing up the pain for later. Or it may be that you're sat in front of Netflix with a bottle of wine a bag of Maltesers, scrolling through tick tock and then spending a fortune on the supposed must haves from tik tok shop. 


Sarah Elizabeth  18:51

Yes, I see you no shade, but recognizing these behaviors, honestly, is the first step towards stopping them, these numbing tracks can feel so damn good in the short term. I get it, but what they ultimately do is fuck with our healing and can also become really ingrained bad habits over time. So why is emotional? So it's important, because the reality is that numbing only delays our pain. It doesn't make it go away. When we avoid our emotions, we're essentially just hitting pause, not stop, not delete, just pause. We might not feel the pain as intensely in the moment, but all the shit is still there, waiting to be felt just in the shadows, ready to bounce back out when you're caught off guard. And numbing tracks keep us in a cycle of avoidance, meaning we never actually fully process what we need to heal from, and that shit makes us ill. All emotional sobriety, though, it allows us to take off the masks and confront our pain directly. Yes, I know that sounds utter shit and a bit like self harm, but but it does lead genuine healing. When we're emotionally sober with present we feel regulated calm. We're able to feel without letting those feelings control us. We control them, and that ultimately brings freedom and eventually peace. And it's got a lot of longer term benefits as well, because it leads to greater self awareness, much better mental health and deeper relationships, even if you don't want to hear that right now, when we're willing to face our emotions, we build a resilience that carries us through anything with a strong, clear mind. It's a superpower, I'm telling you. So how can we take some steps building this emotional sobriety after divorce. Well, I'm going to give you a few ideas that, when done over time, can really help you break the numbing cycle and face your emotions in a healthy, productive way. Okay, so number one, and like always, it starts with self awareness. Start by simply observing your habits and triggers. Notice when you feel the urge to reach for drink, a snack, distraction, just stop and ask yourself, what am I really feeling? Because often just identifying the feeling, whether it's loneliness, sadness, anger, stress. It gives you the awareness that you need just to pause and choose a healthier action, something that could be weirdly good for this one is having something like a hairband on your wrist that you can ping bloody Earth's bit, but anyway, you can ping it when the urge is kicking and you want to cut that thought loop. Or if a phone is your vice, you can actually put a hairband over your phone, because removing it is often enough to give us a kick out of our trance. And that's what it's about. It's making the bad habit as fucking difficult as possible to access, right? So it's about taking that pause and asking yourself, what is going on for you? 


Sarah Elizabeth  22:26

Number two, replace bad habits with healthy coping mechanisms instead, rather than falling into the numbing traps, try and find other things actually uplift you now that might be having healthy snacks in the house, going for a walk, journaling, brain dumping the shit at you instead know what things work for you, you'll know what works for you to be able to express your emotions healthily. And the aim is to do more of this and less of the shit stuff. Number three, and bear with me, mindfulness. Yes, I know. I know it can be enough to make you want to scream off and grabbing the Merlot, I know, but I promise you, it really does help. Mindfulness can be so incredible in managing intense emotions, because it gets you to a place where you can almost become more comfortable with the discomfort to just try and take five or 10 minutes a day just to sit quietly, focus on your breathing and just observe your thoughts. That's all when your mind wanders, which it will, by the way, just let them go and bring your attention back to your breathing. All you gotta do is focus on your breathing for as long as you possibly can. And don't beat yourself up if you find it hard. Honestly, this shit needs training, right? It takes a while and your thoughts aren't going away. This is like training your mind just to focus your mind back to focusing on your breath. Number four, get yourself some social media boundaries, because it is so easy to lose hours in Doom scrolling or binge watching, which just numbs us even more. To try, if you can, to set some limits on your screen time, especially during times when you feel a bit more vulnerable and your emotions are all over the place. You know, I use an app called Screen Zen, z, E, N, Zen. Screen Zen, basically you set it up for particular apps. So, like mine, set up for Instagram, Facebook and Tiktok. Then you set up how many times a day and for how long you want to go on them. And then every time you try to access the apps that you've set up, it will say, Is this important? And get you to take some deep breaths first. Oh, mindfulness and boundaries thrown in, it's a winner. And if you're not sure what to do instead of TV and social media, maybe try reading a book. You're always welcome to join us in the divorce book club. Love i. On which, by the way, we've just chosen our book for December, which is the self care project by Jane Hardy, because Santa says there might feel super fucking tough, especially if it's your first one after divulge. So this book's really good one to look after us, and especially as its tagline is how to let go of frazzle and make time for you, which we all need it. Quimbo, right extra tool for emotional sobriety. Just saying, links are in the show notes. And finally, number five, as always, get your support squad in place. You need your people around you for getting emotionally sober. Get people in your inner circle, in your squad, who uplift you, because honestly, knowing you're not alone can make facing tough emotions and shit so much easier. And I know I say several of these coping mechanisms repeatedly, but all different shit, because that's because they bloody work okay? 


Sarah Elizabeth  26:01

And you know, emotional sobriety isn't just about surviving hard emotions, it's about building the resilience. So every time we face our emotions, instead of numbing it out, we actually end up strengthening our ability to cope, and that resilience is what ultimately helps us to truly heal and move forward and be kind to yourself as well. Have some self compassion, because I bet you're bloody lovely to everyone else, but when it comes to you, you're boxy crawl. I know I'd say you, you think you're supposed to be over it by now, everyone else seems to get over it. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Everyone else isn't my love. They're probably just masking it as well. You're human. It's okay to feel hurt, angry, lonely, you don't need to treat yourself like shit for having feelings you are human. Treat yourself with the same kindness you would to a close friend. You know, I know divorce can be the most painful shit show I know I really do, and as I've said, I was the freaking queen of numbing traps. But I've made the mistakes that you don't have to. I've learned now that actually divorce can also be an opportunity to reflect on who we are, what we want, and a lot of us actually find that with time, we can get a whole new perspective on what we really, truly want and need. We get to rebuild our self worth. We get to discover new passions. We get to actually work out what true happiness is for us, and I can bet for most of us that wouldn't have happened. Stay married, emotional society is just another way to keep taking the steps to actually properly heal, which means we're less likely to repeat the patterns moving forward and all. It's not easy. No, it isn't, especially over the Christmas period and setbacks are probably going to be part of the process. There'll be days when the urge to numb out is strong as fuck and wipes us out. And that's also completely freaking normal when that happens, just remember progress over perfection, and when you feel yourself slipping, just come back to your why, why you're doing this. Remind yourself why you started this journey back to you and the benefits of facing your emotions fully and healing every new day is an opportunity to make some progress, no matter how small. It's just another step on the yellow brick roads and all that, which brings us right back to wicked coming out tonight, which I can't help myself for, but anyway. But back to you. I hope that's helped with a few more tools in your kit, but generally and at Christmas. And if it has helped, I'd love it if you could write and review the episode. It helps this girl out like you were blife. And if you just want to share any wicked love, then be sure to come over and follow me on Instagram at the divorce chapter. So that's it for this week, I will be back in your beautiful earbuds again next week with more to arm you for the Santa season. So until then, I am sending you so much love. Bye. 

People on this episode

Head Shot

Sarah Elizabeth

Host