The Divorce Chapter

EP66 Tinsel, Tantrums, and Texts: Talking to Your Ex (Especially during Santa Season)

• Sarah Elizabeth • Episode 66

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In the spirit of “Santa Season,” this episode looks at one of the most frustrating, nerve-shredding parts of divorce: trying to communicate with the ex. Yep, the person you once shared years of conversations and traditions with now feels like a complete stranger….or worse, someone who couldn’t give a sh*t about you.

And then Christmas comes along, with its extra sprinkling of chaos: holiday schedules, kids’ presents, money issues, and endless logistics. It’s a minefield wrapped in tinsel, isn’t it? But don’t worry….I’ve got you covered.

This week, I’m sharing real, practical strategies to help you manage the “new normal” of ex-communication, especially when emotions are running high. We’ll talk about:

  • The car scream
  • Finding healthy outlets for your emotions
  • Written communication tips
  • Handling narcissistic exes
  • Using tone and humour

If you’ve ever wondered how to get through this holiday season without throwing tinsel (or a tin of Quality Street) at their head, this episode is for you. 

I’d love to hear what you think….. If you find the episode helpful, it would mean the world to me if you left a review or shared it with someone who might need it 💖

Until next week please take care of you, and sending you loads of love,

Sarah x

🌸

P.S. Don’t forget to check out December’s Divorce Book Club pick: The Self-Care Project by Jayne Hardy. It’s all about letting go of frazzle and making time for you ... perfect for surviving this season.

AND WE HAVE A BLACK FRIDAY DEAL FOR YOU TO GET THE BOOK CLUB HALF PRICE IN DECEMBER.... YEP ONLY A FIVER TO CHANGE YOUR LIFE!

USE CODE BLACKFRIDAY50

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Hello and welcome to the divorce chapter podcast, where, in the run up to Santa season, I'm trying to help you shift from Fuck, fuck, fuck to Ho, ho, ho. I'm Sarah Elizabeth, and having spent a number of Christmases post divorce on me tod, I can see where some of the pitfalls might be when all of the previous Christmases were more like the quintessential, perfect bloody Christmas, only now this crimbo, it's looking more like a dodgy advent calendar where every door opens some new fucking chaos. And with that in mind, what I'm trying to do this year is to go through some topics over the next few weeks that will actually help you any time of year, quite frankly, but particularly at Christmas. Because as we approach the holiday season, Santa season, festive season, Christmas, whatever you want to bloody call it all, all the emotions come to the fore, everything, every goddamn feeling amplifies. And we talked a bit about this last week in the episode about emotional sobriety. If we're feeling shit, seeing everyone playing Happy Families is just going to make us feel 10 100 zillion times worse, because, you know, it's so goddamn hard, especially if you're smack in the middle of a divorce shitshow, or even worse, at the start of the implosion. And none of it's making any sense. We approach the festivities with the years of tradition as a couple now long behind us, and just like everything else in our lives right now, nothing, absolutely fuck all is what we're used to. We're having to adapt and quick, and one of the ways, I think is super hard to adapt to is how we actually freaking communicate with the ex and with potential contact and negotiations and shit that may need to happen over the festive period. It's now more like talking to a brick wall wrapped in tinsel. Yes, he was the one we have spent years talking to with zero problem or issue, but now you might as well be talking to a fucking stranger, absolute stranger. It's like you don't even recognise them, which is why today I want to talk a little bit about communication.  Now, however long you were married, you spent years in a relationship with this person, right? You had cultivated a relationship. Now, I'm assuming that in that relationship, you had kind of worked out how to speak to each other, you know, like you'd got way past the awkward first date chat, you were freaking married, and so I guess you'd have settled in a way of speaking with each other, right? Like I was with my ex husband for 23 years. We were married for almost 20 we separated just before our 20th wedding anniversary. In that time, we had a lot of conversation. You know, sometimes it was mundane, everyday conversation, what we having for dinner? Who's putting the bins out, who's taking the dog for a walk, you know, that kind of menial shit. But sometimes we did also have some nice, some deep, meaningful conversations. And we were able to have that kind of said conversation in a flow kind of way. And when I say flow, that sounds a bit Woo, but you know, it was just like we knew each other's voice. We knew each other's intonation, inflection, whatever you call it. You know what I mean. I knew if his voice had an edge to it and his mine, no doubt, we knew where the pauses were in conversations. We knew the context to what the other person was saying, because that's important. So you know, like, say, if we were having a conversation about, God, I don't know, motor neurone disease, for example, he knew the context that my mum had died of motor neurone disease, so he would have been more sensitive to that context, right? You know what I mean? We just kind of knew each other so well, so comfortably, that it was sort of easy to communicate, and then suddenly it wasn't in an instant, it all changed. Obviously, it started to change in that last year anyway, as things were unraveling in our marriage. But then we split up, and that's when shit really changed. And it may have been the same for you as well, because what happened then is that we have to learn super goddamn quickly to negotiate an entire new relationship. It's the same person, it's the same old person, but it's a completely new relationship, and the context of that relationship has completely changed. The dynamics have shifted like beyond recognition. So as much as you thought you knew this person inside out, what we end up seeing is a utterly new version of this person, and often that new version is nasty, someone who's cruel and thoughtless, often someone who's dismissive of you, someone who clearly doesn't give a shit about you anymore, someone that's already moved on, even though you didn't know you were supposed to be moving on. They've decided in the marriage that they're moving on, only they just forgot to tell you, you know. So you haven't had the bloody opportunity so often, this has just appeared like a goddamn tsunami, and you're just trying to fucking stop yourself from drowning right now, keep yourself afloat, survive. So the last thing you can think about is whether you speak to the bastard property, right?  But actually, communication is the basis, the foundation, of all relationships, and that's not just for Christmas either, like a dog, not just for Christmas love. And it's not just for intimate relationships. It's for any relationship, with your parents, with your kids, with your work colleagues, with your friends. Communication is the foundation of all of that. If you can't communicate with someone in your life, that relationship usually ends, doesn't it? You know, like friends, if you've got a friend, well, you probably wouldn't have developed a friendship with someone who you can't communicate with, you know what I mean. But if you did and shit changed, the dynamics change, whatever the communication changes, then usually that means the end of the relationship, right? But what happens when it is with the ex? By the way? Side note, I do try, not always, but I try to say the ex rather than my ex, because I I kind of feel like the ex depersonalizes them, that extra little bit, like there's no meaning to the ex. It almost objectifies them, whereas if you say my ex, it sort of sounds more meaningful, you know, like you're still tied to them. I don't know anyway, what happens with the ex is that they moved on. But whether we like it or not, we generally still have to communicate in some way, but now it's in this new relationship, one that we'd rather not be in, but because maybe we've got kids, we've got the divorce to sort out, we've got the house to sort out, we've got the money to sort out, we've got the dog to sort out. We've got potential other commitments. We might even fucking work together fuck that, by the way, having to still work together. Can you imagine that office gossip? Jeez. Anyway, the point is, we often have zero choice in the matter, and have still got to talk to him despite everything, and then we chuck in Christmas on top. So it might be, who's got the kids on 25th of December, negotiating who's having the kids and when, who's buying the kids? What, where the money's coming from to buy the kids? What and when? You know, there's just extra shit in Santa season that we have to communicate and quite often, especially if it's our first crimbo on our own, this shit is new to us. I mean, for me, my first Christmas on my own was almost a year to the day after the split, because I walked out on 28th of December the previous year. And also, the kids were adults, so it was slightly different for me, but it was still a bit like, where were they going? Who's buying? Still do I still buy the mother in law for me, my sons weren't actually with me that first Christmas Day dinner for a couple of reasons, so I did see them in the morning and the evening. But you know, there we go. We moved. The point is, what I wanted to talk about today was how to get through this divorce show with the Christmas icing from hell on top, how we can learn to communicate with the ex. However new that ex status is, how do we just have a civil conversation when really you just want to rip his freaking throat out? How do we do that?  So number three, let's talk about written communication, because when it comes to communicating with the ex written communication can sometimes feel safer because it kind of gives you time to think before you hit send, or, more accurately, time to delete the angry paragraph that starts with your selfish tosser and replace it with something ever so slightly more neutral. Oh, so a few tips. Use email for the important subjects, the important topics, anything that's logistical, like Christmas pickups, who's got the kids or whatever, who's buying what should be in an email, it's clear. It's trackable, and there's less room for emotional reactions in an email. If you're texting, text for the smaller stuff. Go for short and neutral. You know, just pick up at 2pm or please confirm, or whatever your needs, but just very short and sweet. Texts are not the place for long debates. And also, don't forget, you can use chat GPT to help draft responses. Chat GPT is an AI thing, and it's bloody brilliant if you can't think what to say and you just want a framework for difficult written communication. But as much as I love AI for God's sake, don't just copy and paste chatgpt responses verbatim, personalise it, put it in your voice. Words that you use you want it to sound like you not a customer service rep. So like, say you've asked chat GPT how you can ask the ex for cash for the kids present that you agreed and is now ghosting you. So chat GPT says something like, per our prior discussion, you agree to a 5050 split on gifts. But it doesn't sound like something you'd ever say, so just tweak it to make it sound more like you. So it might be just something like just a quick reminder. Can you let me know if you're still happy with a 5050, split for the kids, but chat, GPT and AI is good for helping with the written stuff, if only to give you some prompts when you don't know how to frame it.  How do we do that? And again this week, it's going to be a bit of a do as I say, not as I do, because I did not learn to do this. And when I wanted to say something to the ex, I did, it came out all fucking barrels or whatever the saying is, I frequently let rip and communication was totally what not to do, although you know what I did, what I did, I did what I could with the skill that I had available to me at that time. It wasn't pretty but it was all I knew how to cope with. I. At that time, in a totally dysregulated state, and no idea how to deal with it was kind of all I knew how to lose my shit. Thankfully, I do know a bit different now, and that's kind of why I'm here doing this work, but actually, I've made the mistakes that you don't have to. So let's go through some better ways to communicate than I did with this new version of the same old person in the ex. First things first. Let's talk about the car scream, because this can't just be me. You know that argument you have with yourself whilst sitting in the car, driving the car, rehearsing every possible thing you want to say to the ex that 10 minute rant or 20 if it's me, where you channel full on Oscar worthy rage, complete with eye rolls and imaginary mic drops. Honestly, it's cathartic as fuck, believe me, sometimes you just need to get it all out, all the things you wish you could say to their face, but know you shouldn't, because screaming you absolute asshole. Why can't you remember the kids need stockings as well in the Tesco car park is not ideal, you know? And the beauty of this trick is that you get all of the emotion out in a private, safe way. I mean, the other drivers might give you some funny looks, but we ignore them, so by the time you get to see them, you've downgraded from full on rage monster to at least mildly irritated but still civil, although don't do it if the kids are in the car as well. But you know, if you can get to do this, honestly, it's a great almost like warm up act, get it out in the car, vent it like no one's watching, and then walk into meeting the ex, drop off, holiday, negotiation, whatever, with just enough composure to not throw a tin of quality straight in their face. Number two, trying to find some other healthy outlets for your emotions, because sometimes shouting in the car isn't quite enough, or the kids are there. Because let's face it, Christmas does bring out all the emotions, grief, resentment, even sadness over that bloody, quintessential, perfect, bloody Christmas used to have that's now just a memory. So we need to find healthier ways to process that emotional chaos before we attempt to communicate with the ex. So what are our options? Can exercise go for a brisk walk, punch the hell out of a boxing bag, or run until the rage turns into Can I breathe now? You know, or journaling, you know, we love a bit of journaling over here. Put it all out onto the paper, brain dump it all out. Write them the angriest letter you'll never actually send. Don't send it. I'm talking full blown epic rant. Burn it after if you really want the drama vibes, you know. Or if all else fails, screaming into a pillow and giving it a good punch at all while you're at it, classic, effective and 100% Santa approved. Just saying. The point is, the more you process the emotional shit before the conversation with the ex, the less likely you are to lose your shit when you actually have to face them. Okay?  Next up, what about when it's a narcissist? Christmas with a narc joyful, just festive joy all round. Not. When you're dealing with someone who thrives on control drama keeping you off balance. You need a whole different set of communication tools, right? So first up, as Dr Ramani wrote in her book, its not you don't go deep, deep, defend, engage, explain, personalise. Don't defend, don't engage, don't explain, don't personalise, don't go deep. Keep things surface level and factual. Don't engage emotionally or try and resolve old conflict. The narc will just use it as a hook to reel you back into their show. There's also the grey rock techniques. Be boring, non reactive, neutral, like a big old grey rock at the beach. Think of yourself as a rock in a snowstorm, calm, steady, totally unbothered by their attempts to create a storm. Or there's the yellow rock technique, if grey rock feels a bit too cold, like if you're co parenting and all that, yellow rock allows for a touch of warmth, but not too much. So think polite and firm like, thanks for letting me know. I'll confirm the pickup time shortly. That's it. Done. And we couldn't talk communication with a narc without mentioning no contact or low contact. If communication isn't essential, like no kids, no shared assets go no contact. If you do have to communicate, keep it as minimal and business like as possible. Number five, back to the general comms with the ex social media contact, aka, don't. The temptation to use Instagram as a passive aggressive battleground is ridic, you know, maybe a cheeky Christmas post captioned, peace and quiet at last hashtag divorce as fuck, or subtle swipe at their new family dynamic. Let me save you the trouble. Don't just don't. I know it's super tempting, but social media contact, even indirectly, never ends well. It's like lighting a match and throwing it into pile of wrapping paper, stick to dodgy cat memes and festive dog pics if you have to.  Number six, your tone of voice is your secret weapon. Christmas communication with the ex isn't just about what you say, it's how you say it, and tone of voice can make or break a conversation, especially during the holidays, when emotions are already running high. So keep it calm, even if you're absolutely fucking raging inside. Try and take a minute to just breathe. Slow down and keep your voice steady. Practice empathy, even if they don't deserve it. Sometimes, saying, I know this is tricky for everyone, so let's try and make it work. Can diffuse tension better than blame. As I said, Do as I say, not as I did. And if all else fails, fake it till you make it. If you genuinely can't sound cheerful, just go for polite and neutral. Save your sarcasm for your best mate over a mulled wine later. And finally, number seven, use a bit of christmas humour to your advantage, because I think when all else fails, try and lighten the mood, if only for your own sanity, it's not for them, it's for you. You know, sometimes a bit of humour can break the tension and keep things civil, as long as it's not passive aggressive. So to wrap it up, then Christmas pun intended, at the end of the day, communicating with the ex during Santa season is not fucking easy. It's not, it's a minefield of logistics, emotions, all topped off with years of memories and Christmas jumpers that all combined can leave you feeling like you're navigating the North Pole without a compass, but with a few just practical tips, the sprinkling of humour and the occasional scream in the car, you can get through it, I promise you remember. Communication is a skill you can keep building. But this is sometimes about just surviving the Christmas chaos, because that is a win in itself. And if you need some extra help to focus on you this holiday season and keep you regulated as you go into some of these ex chats, why not check out the divorce book clubs pick for December, the self care project by Jayne Hardy. It's the perfect read to help you get through this time. Or, as the tagline says, How to let go of frazzle and make time for you, which, after too much, managing the battle lines is super needed. And if that's not enough, to help you even more, we've got a Black Friday deal. Yes, she has. She has done that for you. BlackFriday50. If you go to the links in the show notes and look for the divorce book club, enter Code BlackFriday50, and you can get it for Fiver for December, it's a goddamn steal for Christmas, it's the biggest gift you can give yourself. Love all the links for that's in the show notes. So I do hope that's helped in finding some ways to manage the outcomes with the ex. I know it's hard finding a new normal with the old familiar, both at this time of year and as you move forward for the divorce as well. And you know, I might have sounded a bit flippant today, but it is just about finding some small ways to tweak it so you don't lose your shit. It's why I know it works, because I didn't do that, and now if I do have to communicate in any way with the ex, that's what I use. So I hope it's helped. Next week, I'll be back in your beautiful earbuds with another festive, themed one, but one that can also help you in the middle of summer as well if you need it. So until then, I'm sending you so much love, and if I could, I'd send you some mulled wine and all loads of love 

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Sarah Elizabeth

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