EP68 The Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future: A Divorce Twist

Ah, Christmas. A time for joy, tinsel, turkey… and a little extra emotional chaos if you’re navigating the post-divorce version of Santa Season 🎅

Let me guess:

• The Ghost of Christmas Past is haunting you with memories of matching PJs, burnt turkeys, and that one year your ex bought you a hoover (romance is NOT dead, apparently).
• The Ghost of Christmas Present is waving a to-do list in your face that feels longer than Santa’s nice/naughty list.
• And the Ghost of Christmas Future? Well, let’s just say it’s got you wondering if your future Christmases will involve eating microwave dinners while binge-watching Love Actually.

Sound familiar? Don’t worry… you’re not alone.

This week on The Divorce Chapter, I’m channeling the iconic story of A Christmas Carol to help you navigate the ghosts of your own Christmases 👻

We’re covering:
 🎄 How to deal with the bittersweet (or just downright bitter) memories of holidays past (without getting stuck there).
 🎄 Finding joy in the chaos of the present... whether that’s new traditions, bad Christmas jumpers, or eating all the Quality Street yourself.
 🎄 Reclaiming your future Christmases and designing them the way you want.... tinsel optional.

It’s like Scrooge, but with fewer miserly men and more empowering tips for thriving through the divorce sh*tshow.

And because we’re all about self-care over here, don’t forget this month’s Divorce Book Club pick: The Self-Care Project by Jayne Hardy. It’s perfect for anyone who’s tired of being at the bottom of their own priority list—because let’s face it, YOU deserve to be at the top this Christmas. 🎁  Link below ⬇️

Sending you love, strength, and maybe an extra mince pie,

Sarah x

🌸

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Chapters

• 0:00 Channelling Scrooge when it feels like we're IN a Dickens Novel
• 3:35 The Ghost of Christmas Past (with tacky tinsel and dodgy lights)
• 11:38 The Ghost of Christmas Present (it's not Terry's, it's mine)
• 15:09 The Ghost of Christmas Future (on the Isle of Delulu)
• 20:07 F*ck Yes to the Dress, it's Yes to YOU with the best gifts ever

Transcript

Sarah Elizabeth  00:00

Hello and welcome to the divorce chapter, the podcast that helps you navigate the post divorce roller coaster with honesty, hopefully some humour. And right now for December, a little sparkle, maybe even a touch of festive spirit, because it's Christmas. Now, whether you're a fan of tinsel or turkey or just trying to survive the freaking chaos with your existential crisis thrown in, it's a time that really can stir up all the feelings, especially after divorce, right? So the last few weeks, we've covered some areas that might be particularly challenging over Santa season, like facing our shit, having to communicate with the ex, and just generally, all things managing Christmas and a divorce shitshow. So this week I wanted to think about how we see Christmas and how we see ourselves in the supposed winter wonderland. And to do that, I'm going to channel perhaps one of the most iconic Christmas stories of all time, A Christmas Carol. Yep, we're going full on Scrooge this week, love, we're going into the ghost of Christmas past, present and future, but through the lens of divorce, because let's be real, if you're navigating a crimbo post divorce, it can feel like your own personal freaking Dickens novel The ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future? Oh, we've got them all. We got the lots memories of the marriage and the past haunting you remembering what Christmas used to be, the present might feel like a chaotic mess with new traditions and co parenting schedules and all manner of shit to figure out, as well as worrying about what's in store for you. And a future? Well, though you may not be able to see it yet, that's actually the good part. So grab a cuppa or something stronger, and let's look at how we can use the lessons of a Christmas carol to reflect, regroup, if you like, create a positively joyful future, joyful even if that looks totally different than you imagined. 

Sarah Elizabeth  02:32

So let's start with the Ghost of Christmas Past. Because you know, this one shows up a fair bit after divorce, right? You open a box of decorations and find that our first Christmas bauble, or you're scrolling through old photos and see those forced smiles when things were already falling apart, or worse, when your kids remind you remember when daddy used to dress up as Santa, and all you can think is Yeah, and he probably reused that costume for his slapper girlfirend and all. It's like the past is right there ready to remind you of everything you've lost, or at least think you've lost. But anyway, at Christmas, it all feels so huge. Those memories can be so bittersweet, or just downright bitter actually, because they remind us of what we've lost or what could have been. The thing about memories, though, is they're rarely 100% accurate. Our brains love, love, love to romanticise the good bits and blur the bad. But if we are going to move forward, we have to look at those Christmases with some perspective. Maybe you're reminiscing about the time you hosted the perfect Christmas dinner, but were you really happy, or were you stressed out trying to please everyone while the ex sat on the sofa watching elf for the third fucking time? Or maybe you're thinking about the cute family traditions you had, like matching PJs or decorating the tree together. And look, those may well have been beautiful moments, for sure, but they don't erase the pain that eventually led to your divorce, do they? And the past isn't here to punish you or to trap you. It's not here to guilt trip you or make you relive every argument about whether tinsel is tacky or not. I mean, in my view, tinsel is tacky unless it's pink, but I'm equally conscious that pink in itself equals the height of trashy for others. So you know you do you. The point is the past is just another way where it can help you understand. It's here to teach you, if you want it to. Think of it this way, every Christmas past you're replaying. In your mind has got two sides. Right first, there are the warm, happy moments that remind you why you married that person in the first place. And then on the flip side, there are the hard, really fucking hard, painful moments that eventually led to where you are now, and the key is learning to look at the past without getting stuck there, and learning to see it almost through a neutral lens. Because when we dwell too long on the perfect Christmases we used to have, we create a fantasy version of the past that can never, ever, ever, actually live up to reality. So something for you to try. Take one memory from a Christmas that you shared during your marriage, good or bad. One thing, write it down, if you can, and then ask yourself, What does this memory teach me? If it's a happy memory, what does it say about the kind of joy or connection or whatever it is that you're capable of? If it's a painful one, what does it remind you about your strength and resilience? Ask yourself, What does this memory really mean? Did it show you what kind of love you deserve but weren't getting? Did it highlight your strength in holding things together even when it was so goddamn hard? Maybe you remember that one year you hosted Christmas dinner, all lovely, and your ex sat on the sofa while you cooked everything. Did everything at the time. It probably made you pretty fucking furious, but now it might actually remind you of your ability to handle shit situations and keep things going, even when you're not being supported. Or maybe the ex bought you a Hoover for Christmas once I don't know, fucking vacuum cleaner, that's one to learn from, much like nobody puts baby in the corner, nobody is giving me cleaning appliances for Christmas. Thank you very much. Reframing the past just helps us take the power away from those memories and instead use them as fuel to move us, drive us forward. I think about the last Christmas in my marriage, in what actually transpired to be three days before I left. It was fucking awful. He escaped with the dog and his phone twice. Obvs had to phone the skank. He barely spoke to me unless it was to bark some shit or scowl at me. It was hands down the worst Christmas ever, and if ever at Christmas, is after that. I hankered after the previous supposedly perfect Christmases. I remember that one now. That one taught me that you can be surrounded by people and still feel the most painful loneliness. I can tell you now I will never, ever have another Christmas feeling like that, I'd rather be on my own, thank you, sir, or the first Christmas on my own. A year later, the ex was back living in the house and was seeing yet another person, but was at the same time still trying to get me back. And one of his sad and quite pathetic, actually, attempts at this was when I went to get the dog one day he put up Christmas lights on the hedge, on the bush outside, in the shape of an S for Sarah. What a freaking dick. His girlfriend's name did not begin with S, by the way, so any hankering that first Christmas especially, just reminded me what a cheating lying wanker he was, is, anyway. But that does also bring me on to that sometimes some memories are also just plain funny when you look back like my name in lights, maybe your ex insisted on putting up those flashing lights that made your living room look like a disco. Maybe your ex set fire to the Christmas pudding with a little too much brandy. I don't know. I'm sure there's something in there. Those are the ones that we can laugh at. Eventually, maybe talking fire one Christmas with the ex at my old house, there was an old aga oven thing in my mother in law's kitchen, and it caught fire. Now I'd had a fair bit of Prosecco & Sherry, by this point, I loved a bit of sherry. Anywho, I just thought it was only absolutely safe that we call the fire brigade. It wasn't a massive fire, by the way, but, you know, in my world, I was like, Oh, we must call the fire brigade obvs in the vain hope that a hot firefighter might turn up, even though half of them actually are not that hot in real life, are they? Anyway, the ex husband, though he was not having any of it, he would deal with that he had a bloody strop that I dare suggest such a thing. It was actually quite amusing, but it's shit like this that reminds us that even the so called perfect Christmases weren't perfect, and that's okay. 

Sarah Elizabeth  10:37

So what about the Ghost of Christmas Present then? Well, this one's all about the here and now, and let's be honest, Christmas post divorce can feel weird, fucking weird like an absolute shitshow at times I get it. Then maybe it's your first year celebrating on your own. Maybe you're just trying to figure out a new normal. Either way, it's easy to feel like everything is upside down, topsy turvy. But you know what? Maybe the ghost or Christmas present is here to remind us to focus on what we do have. Maybe it's the chance to create new traditions like a Christmas morning walk or a movie marathon. Maybe it's the joy of having total control over the decorations again, no more fighting about whether tinsel is tacky, and let's not forget the little joys eat an entire box of quality street because no one's judging you putting on your comfiest PJs at three o'clock and calling it festive chic, those small moments matter, even if Christmas doesn't look the way it used to. Because as much as it might feel like Christmas is ruined forever after a divorce, it's not. It's just different. And last week, we focused on how to survive and even thrive Christmas after divorce, holly, Jolly, ho ho, ho and so this week for managing the here and now, what else can we do? Well, first up, don't compare. Social media is a highlight reel. It's not reality. No one's posting about their burnt turkey or family rows, are they? So please don't sit there in a doom scroll crying into your tik tok. It's all fake book. Remember? Set boundaries to fit whatever you want your Christmas to look like this. Ain't about pleasing Auntie fucking Mildred. Never has you do you been more fitting for the first Christmas after divorce. Focus on what you can control, whether it's creating those new traditions or just setting boundaries with the ex. Focus on the things that you can influence, not the things you can't. And try find some of the small joys as well a cosy blanket, Christmas film, eating an entire Terry's chocolate orange. It's not terry's, it's mine. Showing me age there, honestly those little moments matter. And also, I know it might sound super cheesy, but practice gratitude, taking a minute to think about or write down a few things that you're grateful for can totes shift your mindset, even if it's just I didn't punch anyone today. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. It's super easy to get caught up in the stress of it all and forget what this season is really about. So the Ghost of Christmas Present is kind of here to remind us to stay grounded find the little moments of joy in the chaos. Christmas doesn't have to look like the Hallmark version to be meaningful. Some of the best moments come from the imperfections, like when you finally get five minutes yourself with a glass of wine eh? So try and enjoy it and last up. 

Sarah Elizabeth  14:07

Then let's talk about the Ghost of Christmas Future, because this one can be both exciting and terrifying. I know this one can be the scariest, and after divorce, it is easy to feel like your best Christmases are behind you. Will you spend the rest of your life alone? Will you ever find joy in crimbo again? It's shit like that going around your head that can be so overwhelming you think that the future is just going to be a series of lonely holidays with microwave dinners, but the Ghost of Christmas Future is here to tell you that's not true. Your future is a blank slate, and you get to decide what it looks like. Yes, there'll be challenges, but there's so much possibility, how fucking exciting is that? You get to design your future? Take a minute to imagine your ideal Christmas in a few years time. What's it look like? Maybe it's a cosy day with the kids in your dream home. Maybe it's a tropical holiday with no Turkey in sight. Maybe it's just a peaceful day where you feel content and free. Who knows? Maybe your future Christmas traditions will involve sipping cocktails on a beach instead of dealing with a crowded kitchen. Maybe you'll be the one starting a new tradition of matching PJs without the fucking bullshit either way. The point is your future is yours to create. Every step you take now is bringing you closer to that future. You can take the steps to a miserable future where you stay stuck, or you can say yes to yourself, fuck Yes to the Dress. It's yes to you, yes to yourself and your future, and it looking freaking amazing. So what are some practical ways to start building that future today? Well, as always, focus on self care. It's not selfish. It's essential. And if you need any help with this, this month's divorce book club pick the self care project is a must read. We're a few chapters in and it is so powerful in reminding us what self care actually is, and it's not just the fucking bubble baths. And we've also talked in the book about how we always put ourselves bottom of the to do list the lowest priority on often that is no truer ever than in a marriage where the ex, the kids, the dog, the neighbour aunt and every fucker was higher up the list than you. So this Christmas, try and move yourself up that list. You're on Santa's good list this year, so use it or start early and setting goals for the new year. What's one thing that you could achieve by next Christmas? It could be that you've had a dream in your soul that's been buried for so long, or maybe it's just about finding a new hobby or strengthening your support squad, or it might well be simply surviving without ending up in prison. As I always say, you won't suit orange love, and always, always, always, celebrate your progress. Every little win matters, whether it's surviving a tough conversation with the ex or creating a new tradition. Give yourself credit. This shit is hard right now, maybe, but you get to rewrite your story now. What you're thinking about now is a stepping stone to create in your future. What does it look like? Who are you in this vision? In the new year, we're going to do some more on steps to creating this vision, but this today is about going into the delulu enjoy the Daydream. I fucking love the Isle of delulu. It's where we get to own up about our desires, what we really, truly want, before we let shitty beliefs and thoughts bring us back to reality. Yeah, it might be delusional to some Fuck it. We love the islands of delulu. So this Christmas, allow yourself to travel in your mind to the Isle of delulu and take note of what you'd love, love, love, love, love your future to look like. So there you have it, the ghosts of Christmas, past, present and future, all with a bit of a divorce twist. The past reminds us what we've learned. The present challenges us to find some joy in the moment, and the future gives us hope for something better, even delulu love. So this crimbo, let's channel our inner Scrooge, not the bitter, miserable one, but the transformed one, the one who learns to embrace life fully, because your best Christmases are not behind you, mate, they're still to come.

Sarah Elizabeth  19:15

And don't forget, if you are feeling overwhelmed, it's never too late to join us for this month's divorce book club, pick the self care project by Jayne Hardy. It's the perfect reminder to put yourself first, especially during the chaos of Christmas, but any time of year, and if people are asking you what you want for Christmas and you're struggling for ideas, well, of course, I'm going to say the divorce book club is the best gift ever. But failing that, why not visit the divorce book club.com and download the 10 best books to help you through divorce, and then get someone gifting those babies to you. Look for the light, my love. Yes, it's been turned down and maybe even out, but now you get to whack that shit right up again, and I'm fucking here for that. So I hope, hope, hope, that's helped you reframe Christmas a bit. We'll have one more episode before the big day, so be sure to listen up for that too, for more on thriving through Santa season. Yes we're not just surviving, we're thriving. So I will be back in your beautiful earbuds for that one loads of love. Bye.