EP70 Divorce isn’t a Group Project: Why it’s Okay to See Things Your Way

Ah, Twixtmas. That magical time of year when no one knows what day it is, we’re all living off leftovers, and PJs become acceptable all-day attire. It’s my absolute favourite week…. but it’s also the time I left the ex-husband.

December 28th. A day etched in my memory. For me, it was a whirlwind of grief, anger, relief, and uncertainty. For him? I imagine it was completely different. 

And here’s the thing: that one day, that same event, was experienced completely differently by everyone involved…..me, the ex, and my kids.

That’s the thing about divorce…. it’s never one story. It’s a million stories told through different lenses. Your version, your ex’s version, your kids’ version, your family’s version... and none of them will ever be the same.

This week on The Divorce Chapter podcast, I’m diving into why we all process divorce differently, how our unique lenses shape our experiences, and why it’s time to stop caring what others think.

In this episode, we’re exploring:

 ✨ Why your version of divorce is different from anyone else’s (and why that’s okay).
 ✨ How our experiences are shaped by the unique lenses we see life through…. our upbringing, beliefs, and relationships.
 ✨ Why you don’t need validation from anyone else for how you feel or the choices you’ve made.
 ✨ How to embrace YOUR story, YOUR way, as you start writing your next chapter.

This isn’t about replaying the past…. it’s about owning your narrative and stepping into your power. As we approach 2025, it’s time to give yourself permission to stop caring what anyone else thinks and create a future that’s true to YOU.

As we head into a new year, give yourself permission to let go of the pressure to explain, justify, or validate your choices. Your story, your journey, your truth. That’s all that matters.

Sending you strength, love, and leftover cheese this Twixtmas,
Sarah x

🌸

P.S. This January in the Divorce Book Club, we’re kicking off the year with Mel Robbins’ The 5 Second Rule. It’s all about taking bold action and creating a life that works for YOU. 

And using the code JANUARYSALE you get it for only £5 for the first month.... yes only a fiver to change your goddamn life!!!

Check it out ⬇️

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Chapters

• 0:00 The Different Way We See Things
• 3:38 The Day my Marriage Imploded
• 9:23 My Kids Versions....Plus WHO Told the Ex?!
• 13:44 No Names..... Because This is MY Story
• 18:05 Whose Lens are YOU Seeing Through? Grab Your Permission Slip Here
• 25:02 Creating a Freaking AMAZING 2025

Transcript

Sarah Elizabeth  00:00

Hello and welcome to the divorce chapter, the podcast that holds your hand through the highs and lows and absolute WHAT THE FUCK moments of life post divorce. I'm Sarah Elizabeth, your host, and the one reminding you that no matter what chaos your life currently looks like, you are writing your own next chapter, one line at a time. I'm here for that. Now, I do hope you had at least a bit of a super Christmas and that you found some small ways to do shit the way you wanted to do it. And I also hope that you didn't have anyone telling you that you were somehow wrong to do shit the way you wanted to do it. But if you did get someone criticising you, and actually, even if you didn't, I hope today's episode is going to help you, because I want to look at just how we all experience divorce and everything around it so differently, ridiculously differently at times. And you know what? That's okay? Because let's be honest, if divorce were a movie, a film, we'd each be watching completely different versions of exactly the same fucking scene. If divorce were book, we'd also create totally different versions in our head. I was chatting recently with someone about how films can often actually ruin a good book, like The Girl on the Train it was supposed to be in freaking London, but generally, you know, you read a book, and every single one of us will form a picture in our heads from the description, but it's almost never the same as the next person, even with the same bloody description. And you don't see that until they make it into a bloody film, like 50 shades is a great example. Everyone had a different interpretation of that one, despite the god awful writing. The point is, you're seeing it all one way, and someone else will see the self same thing entirely differently. And it's exactly the same with divorce, the ex is likely seeing it in another way to you completely, and your kids will each have their own perspectives at all same events, same characters, but often wildly different stories playing out depending on the lens we're looking through. And what's more, that's perfectly okay, because this is your story. You don't need everyone to see it or understand it the way that you do. You don't need that from anyone. 

Sarah Elizabeth  02:37

Let me tell you a bit about the day that my marriage imploded as an example of how just that one relatively small part of the subsequent divorce played out for me, compared to the ex, compared to the kids. It happened at Twixtmas, which is kind of what prompted me to do this episode this week. Twixtmas is one of my absolute favorite times of the year. You know that freaking beautiful limbo between Christmas and New Year? Nobody knows what day it is. There's cheese and chocolate on pretty much every surface of the house, and PJs have become the official dress code. It's basically acceptable to lose all concepts of time, space and dietary discipline, you know what I mean, right? And as much as I bloody love, love, love, Twixtmas, it also happens to be the time of the year that I left the ex husband. My own little festive break turned into full on fucking earthquake mode activated. It was December 28, 12 years ago. The weather was cold and grey, as if the universe knew what was about to happen. So let me set the scene. Things had been utter shit between us for most of that year. Ironically, after the previous year had been one of our best. A few weeks before that Christmas, though, he'd hit me, and that was probably the turning point for me, like as a social worker, dealing with domestic abuse on the daily, there was just no going back from that, even though I'd been experiencing emotional abuse and financial abuse as well that I hadn't even been able to bloody acknowledge was happening a physical thoughts different might as much as I tried, I couldn't ultimately ignore that he'd gone from someone who'd never hit Me in 23 years to now someone who could could hit me again. Then our youngest son had a car accident just before that Christmas, in the early December, wrote his car off, ended up in hospital with a suspected ruptured spleen. Christmas itself was fucking horrific. He'd clearly checked out the marriage yet was still physically there. Shit was unraveling fast. Then on the morning of the 28th of December, the ex had gone to the office, allegedly. My oldest son was coming to the end of a contract living and working in Bristol, so had gone back after Christmas for a few more days, my youngest son had asked me, given that he was now car-less, to take him to bluewater, a huge shopping centre near our house. So I dropped him there, and then I called the ex husband, as I often did. You know if he was at work and I hadn't seen him that morning, it was the most painful phone call, worse than first date convo, absolutely fucking painful, like pulling teeth, as the saying goes. Now, I always ended any call with saying, I love you. When I did that on this day, he said nothing, which sent me into complete overdrive. I got home, and I'd organised for a new hairdresser to come and consult on hair extensions, as you do in the midst of a full on menty b. Gemma arrived, did the consultation and booked to come back and do my hair on New Year's Day. I'd never met her before, but the timing of that first meeting and everything that followed actually ended up in her becoming one of my closest friends. And I'm godmother to her daughter anyhow, so she left, and I'm now left in a state. I've got my hair booked, but fuck all else was going right. And I don't know where my head was at, but it was just suddenly, really suddenly, in an instant, all too much being in the marital home with his mum in the granny annex, fighting a losing battle to save my marriage. Him not even being able to say, I love you. All of a sudden, I hadn't planned it, but I just needed space, so I went and packed in a suitcase my makeup and my PJs, chucked in a bottle of Malbec, and got in the car and drove again, as you do, as you do. I didn't have a clue where I was going. Maybe a hotel in my head, I don't know. I just drove. I had no music playing, just complete silence. I could not tell you, even now what the fuck I was actually thinking about. I wasn't thinking. I don't think. I don't know. Then my son called me and asked me to pick him up from blue water. When I just dropped him a couple of hours back I said, I can't I've left your dad, as you do. He was like, What the fuck, where are you? And I was like, I don't know. I don't know. I'm on a motorway. I'm on a motorway. That's all I know. And then I saw a sign for reading services. So I was on the m4 and he told me to pull over. So I did, and I parked up, and I sat there. I do remember thinking, do I go in and get a packet of facts start smoking again? But seemingly had enough rational thought not to. And then my eldest son called me and told me to go to his in Bristol, which I did. And I'll stop there, as the rest is pretty much history. But spoiler alert, he was a cheating lying wanker. 

Sarah Elizabeth  08:23

The point is that was all my experience, my narrative, my story of the day I left. Now for my eldest son, for example, he'd been at the gym when he'd had 15 missed calls from his brother. And that was a thing in itself, actually, because my youngest son was absolutely renowned for this, like I'd come out of a meeting at work to 20 missed calls and call him back going, Oh my God, what's the matter, what's  the matter. And he'd go, what's for dinner. So we were used to this. So on this day, when my eldest son came out at the gym to so many missed calls. He thought it was just the standard, usual, non emergency shit. So called My youngest son back for him to say mum's left Dad. The one time. It was actually a bit of a drama. But like I said, my eldest son called me and told me to go to his now I don't know what he did, what he thought, who he spoke to in that time in between. But when he opened the door and hugged me, it was obvious he'd been upset by it all. He will totally have his own version of that day, that day story for him as well, what he did, what he said, though he does actually say now that he's blacked that time out, but my youngest son as well. One minute his mum's dropped him at blue water, all completely normal as you do. The next she's left his dad. He then lost his shit finding out that day that his dad had hit me and ended up going to stay with actually his ex girlfriend's aunt and uncle whilst. I was in Bristol because he couldn't face going home. His world changed in another way too that day. And as for the ex, I've got zero idea of what his story was from that day. I don't know. I imagine it was a totally different story. It's just only actually come to me now recording this episode that I don't think I've actually told him that I left. I don't even know who told him how wild, wild anyway, but he will have lived that day, that exact same day, in an entirely different way to me. What was he thinking and feeling in that phone call, going back to the house and finding me gone, his youngest son refusing to go home. I honestly, honestly don't know. Maybe he was a bit blindsided, because he probably never actually expected me to do it. Maybe he was furious, though I doubt it. Maybe he just carried on with his days. If nothing had happened, or maybe just embarrassed he'd been found out, most likely, called his skank and had a party. Who fucking knows my version of his experience that day is only that he completely ignored my subsequent calls and texts from Bristol and refused to speak to me. I don't know what his experience of that day was. I just know it was wildly different to mine. For me, that day was monumental. It was the day everything changed, the day an earthquake destroyed my world as I knew it. For me, it was like this whirlwind of emotions, relief, grief, anger, shock, like someone had thrown every single feeling into a blender and hit high fucking speed. But here's the thing, and that was all a very long and convoluted way of saying that that day wasn't the same for the ex as it was for me and for each of my sons, their version of events was entirely different. Again, even though the kids could see the cracks in a marriage, it still shook their world. 

Sarah Elizabeth  12:05

Divorce doesn't just happen to two people, it ripples out. It's messy, it's complicated, and it's felt differently by everyone involved, same day, same event, same story, four totally different experiences. Why? Because we all bring our own perspective, our own lens, to every single goddamn thing that happens to us, and that's why I wanted to talk about this today, to reflect on what we see as the fact of what happened might only be our take on it, what we've made it mean. It doesn't mean to say that it's the only truth. And actually, I just want to pause here for a minute to take what might seem a bit of a side note, but actually it's probably still relevant to today's topic, because I've been asked a couple of times now about why, why I don't name my family on here, on the podcast, on social media, why I don't name the ex, why I don't name my sons, why I don't name the grandchildren. And there are a few reasons. Firstly, for the kids, the ex is still their dad, so when I do talk about him, the divorce, any of it, they had their own experiences, as I've just shown by just the day I left. That was only a very small part of it, but overall, they were adults and had their own personalities, their own memories of their respective childhoods, and ultimately, they're still children of the marriage, you know. So like when I first started this podcast, my eldest son and I had a conversation about it, and he said, Look, I support you 100% I think this is a great idea. I totally believe what you're doing. I think it's amazing, but I'm not going to listen to it. And that is absolutely as it should be. It's about me and his dad and the downfall of our relationship. who wants to listen to that about their parents, plus he himself also has a kind of social profile, not social media, but it's like he's got a profile. And my youngest has his own career in public service, and, you know, I don't want for them to have maybe one of their colleagues hearing this, seeing what happened, and being like, oh, that's your mom. Oh, fucking hell. What did your dad do putting their lens on my story? I'm not doing that to them. He's still their dad, and this is my story, and I also don't show the grandchildren for the same reason, plus their parents don't want them publicly on social media, which I totally respect. I'm a social worker. I see the absolute wrong un's in society and what they do online. But anyway, the point is, none of this is about them and their experience. It's mine and even the ex. Yes, a lot of what I say on here is about him and our marriage and subsequent divorce, but, but it is only my. My side of the story, this work in the divorce world, this experience, this podcast, the book club, all of it is about my experience. It's not about his experience. It's about mine. It's not about getting revenge. It's not about finding every opportunity to call him a cheating lying wanker, though I do do that, but if you notice nowadays, when I do that, I'm actually almost flippant about it. It doesn't hold the same power over me that it did. But overall, this whole thing is not about him. It's about me, my experience, and how I can use this experience to help others going through a similar experience. It's not about him. So what he thinks is kind of irrelevant. It's just not relevant to my life, to this, to any of it, because this is my story, not his. I'm sure his is worldly different, and, you know, he's more than welcome to a podcast too, if he wants just saying. And if he did, I'm sure I wouldn't agree with some of what he thinks or says. But again, that's because that's his experience, not mine. I can't control how he sees shit. I can only control how I see shit. So that was a bit of a side note there, but the same concept for today. This is my story, my experience and his will be different. My sons will be different again, and all of those are totally valid yet entirely different versions of the same event. 

Sarah Elizabeth  16:25

So why do we all see the same event differently? Why can't we just agree on one version of the truth and leave it at that? Well, because we don't experience life as it is. We experience life as we are. I'll say that again, we don't experience life as it is. We experience life as we are. Every single one of us sees the world for a really unique lens shaped by our past experiences, our upbringing, our relationships, our beliefs. It's like wearing tinted glasses. You're looking at the same thing as everyone else, but the colour of your lens changes everything, even just divorce as a concept. If you grew up in a family where feelings weren't talked about, divorce might feel like a shameful failure, something to hide, to bury, never discuss. If you grew up surrounded by emotional openness and love, you might process divorce as a necessary ending and a fresh start. If you've been betrayed before, you might see divorce as just another reason not to trust anyone. Our past shapes how we interpret the present, and the crazy thing is, most of us don't even realize we're wearing these lenses. We think we're seeing the air quotes truth, when really we're just seeing our truth. We become invested in our interpretation of events. It's our reality, rather than the reality, and we get so wrapped up into trying to get everyone else to see our point of view, but it is just that our point of view. So it's really good to have a think about this, what lens that you're looking through, what stories or beliefs might be shaping how you see your divorce. Are you wearing the failure lens or the victim lens or maybe the New Beginnings lens? And it's worth taking a minute to just notice what filters you've put on and whether they're helping you or whether they're holding you back, because here's the bit that can be really hard to accept. Other people are gonna say your divorce completely differently than you do your ex, your kids, your friends, even the neighbours who might have heard shit about it all. They'll all have their own version of events shaped by their own lens. Maybe your ex thinks you left out of nowhere. Maybe your family doesn't understand why you didn't leave sooner. Maybe your kids think you should have tried harder to fix it. And that can feel so freaking frustrating, right? You just want to grab hold of him and go, don't you get it? Don't you see what I've been through. But here's the thing, they can't they can't see it the way you do. They weren't in your shoes. They weren't in your head, feeling what you felt and living what you lived is not their reality, and that's okay, because this is your story, your truth, your experience, your reality. You don't need anyone else to validate it, agree with it or even fucking understand it. You really don't. It's like when someone watches Love Actually, and says, Oh, it's so romantic, and you're sitting there going, Alan Rickman ruined fucking Christmas. Same film, totally different takeaways. It's all. About perspective. It doesn't make them wrong and you right. Doesn't make them right and you wrong. It just is as it is for each of you. So as we're in Twixtmas, and maybe you're using this time to start to think about your 2025 chapter and what it might look like, perhaps also give yourself permission to own your story, even if the ex doesn't agree, even if nobody agrees, to see your divorce through a lens that empowers you, not one that keeps you stuck. You are not a failure because your marriage ended. You're brave because you walked away from something that wasn't serving you. You are not selfish for prioritising your happiness. You're showing yourself and others that you deserve happiness. You are not responsible for how others process your divorce. You're only responsible for how you move forward. So notice your stories. What are you telling yourself about your divorce? Are those stories helpful or harmful? Stop worrying about what other people think. Ask yourself what feels right for me, and create your own narrative. If this were a book, what would the next chapter look like? Write it your goddamn way. So what does this mean for creating your next chapter? Because as we step into 2025, this is your permission slip to say, Fuck what anyone else thinks your future doesn't have to look like anyone else's just like your past doesn't. Your happiness doesn't have to fit anyone else's expectations. Let's say you're thinking about trying something new and exciting and maybe even a bit bold this next year, starting a business, moving house, dating again, whatever you feel like, there will always be people whispering in the background. You sure that's a good idea? Oh, is it too soon? What would people think? Oh, fuck them. Here's the truth, those people aren't living your life. They aren't paying your bills, they're not walking in your shoes, and they're most definitely not carrying your dreams. They're projecting their lens, their fears, their limitations onto you, and you don't have to take that on. You know, when I started this podcast and social media and all of that, the amount of people that had a fucking opinion. Oh, but what will the ex think? Oh, do you think it's a good idea? Airing your dirty laundry, it's only dirty cos of him. But anyway, you know, I spent so long sacrificing part of myself not liking who I am, fuck that. This is my story. I'm the one with the pen writing this shit. So concentrate on your own mate, you know? So when you're thinking about you, what main character energy you want to bring to the next year. Who are you letting influence your choices? Be really fucking intentional about whose opinions you actually value? Like for me, starting this podcast, having such positive support from my son despite him not listening to it meant the world to me. And yes, had he not been so positive, I would still have done it. Because, as I keep saying, This is my story, my experience. Nobody else's. I know what I want my next chapter to look like. Do you? 

Sarah Elizabeth  23:34

What does a happy, fulfilling, freaking amazing 2025, look like to you? Write it down, own it. You don't need to have it all together to be making progress. Every step you take, no matter how small, is worth celebrating. So as you sit in your Twixtmas bubble, eating cheese and chocolate and ignoring emails and pretending not to see the Christmas tree that still needs to come down, remember this your experience of divorce is yours. It's absolutely okay if others don't see it the same way. It's absolutely okay if they don't understand this is your story, your life, your next chapter, and you get to write it in a way that feels true to you, your divorce, your healing, your future, yours, they won't make sense to everyone, and they don't need to. You get to decide how life looks. Who gets a seat at your table, what truly matters to you. So let's make 2025 the year you write your story your way. And that is a positive twist from a story, right? I hope you are indeed eating all the cheese and chocolate, watching all the shit on TV and living your best god damn life right now, whatever that looks like for you. But do try and ever think about what you'd like your next chapter to look like? No fucks given zero fucks given, and also to get you off your ass for the new year and creating this brilliant next chapter. Don't forget to come over and join us in the divorce book club. We are doing the five second rule by Mel Robbins, which is said to be a way to discover it takes just five seconds to become confident, break the habit of procrastination and self doubt, beat fear and uncertainty, stop worrying and feel happier. Share your ideas with courage. The Five second rule is a simple, one size fits all solution for the one problem we all face, we hold ourselves back. The secret isn't knowing what to do, it's knowing how to make yourself do it. How fucking cool is that to write our next chapter, huh, huh? And to make it even better, I'm offering a 50% off your first month with a discount code. Januarysale, five pound for the first month to change your goddamn life. I'm sorry that has got to be a no brainer, right? All the shizzle you need to know is in the show notes down below, but it's the code Januarysale. We start the first of January. You know what to do? Run, don't walk, and then I will be back in your beautiful earbuds next time for our first episode of the divorce chapter in 2025 Have a good one, and I am sending you so much love. Bye.